Desperately Lonely

LegacyUser

Hi all

I've posted several threads in this forum going back a few years. I'm female, 21.

It seems like my life consists of losing friends, every year a new friend seems to be lost. I've gotten to the point now where I have no friends, all I have is my family. I spend my weekends with my parents, which I love, but I have no friends who I can text and ask if they'd like to go into town or meet for a coffee.

I can't describe just how lonely I am. My parents are going away in the morning and I can't help but think that they don't really care about my situation. I keep thinking that they'd stay so I wouldn't be alone if they really cared, but they're going away.

I don't want to be selfish and prevent them from going away but surely people can understand the reasons as to why I feel this way? I have no one

I have decided to start college in September (I took a 3 year break after the leaving), I am really praying every night that I make some friends who will like me for me.

I just don't think there are many people out there like me and that's what I find hard. I got bullied so badly in school that I moved school three times. As a result, I'm extremely empathetic for people. I'll give an example.. I work in retail, if a handicapped person comes into the shop I will be down for a long time afterwards thinking of how hard life must be for that person. This happens daily. If someone is upset, I will be upset. It annoys me greatly how most people aren't like this. For example my parents. If I was in their shoes and was going away on holidays I wouldn't go because I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself because my daughter was at home all alone.

I don't know what else to say. I can't stop crying as I write this. I just wish I had friends and I wish my mum could understand how I am feeling but how could anyone who hasn't been through what I've been through understand?

karaokeman

Would you consider doing volunteering for the summer or any such activity that forces you out of your comfort zone to meet new people?

LegacyUser

Thank you so much sunflower for that lovely detailed post. It's amazing how some total stranger on an internet forum would actually take the time to post a response to my OP. Thank you.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Going to college is a great way to make new friends, as is volunteering (as has been been said). I volunteer and have made some great friends that are like-minded.

Where would you suggest I volunteer? I have contemplated volunteering before, perhaps with animals as I love animals, although I don't know what kind of volunteering with animals I may be able to do.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Have you ever considered counselling? Learning to love who you are is really important. You know, even the most confident people in the world have insecurities. They just don't let on.

I have been to several councilors in the past, homeopaths, I even went to a psychic to see if she could predict happiness for my future, all of this and I am only 21. I have been through so much. I know I have depression. I've read through several of the posts in the "Lets all talk about depression" forum in After Hours and I know it's what I suffer from. There are times where I am content and relaxed, but when I get down... I get extremely down. I can't quite describe it, but it's an extreme. It is like I am swallowed into a really deep hole and I can't reach for the way out.

That's what I find most difficult. I know my family cannot grasp this as they don't have depression. I have tried so many times to explain it to them but I don't think they can understand. They think "everyone has their ups and downs", depression isn't like that. All I want is for someone to understand, that's all. Sounds so easy but it's really difficult and I fear no one ever will

Nothingbetter2d

depending on where you live if you look about for social clubs or take up a sport you could make some new friends doing something like that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Just wanted to say that you're not alone. I'm a male of the same age as you, and I get lonely over the fact that I don't really have any close friends. I do know people, but everybody seems to be caught up in their own enclosed social groups and lives. It does make me sad from time to time that I don't have a supportive network of friends. To be fair, I do suffer with a little bit of social phobia due to a very low sense of self esteem. I just always feel I'm not really worth anybody else's time. As a result, I do have a bit of social phobia and find it difficult to make close friendships. I haven't even been in a serious relationship, which gets to me also. At the same time, I do feel I need to learn to love myself before being able to love someone else.

Anyway, without hijacking your thread, I just wanted to say that it seems to me that you have low self esteem (drawing on my own experience). I've tried counselling but I didn't find it constructive. At the moment, I'm trying out CBT exercises in 'Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Workbook for Dummies '. So far, I'm finding it helpful in the sense that it gives you strategies for challenging toxic thinking methods. It's worth a shot, especially before you start College. I'm in College myself at the moment, but I feel my low self esteem has really stopped me from making a strong group of friends.

Like yourself, I was bullied and had people badmouthing me behind my back. As a result, I'm extremely paranoid. I don't trust people, and it creates a distance. Like last night, I went out to a birthday party (someone I kinda know from college), I was convinced that they were talking and laughing about me in a negative way. I could have sworn they were saying 'I was gay' in a negative way. (Not that I've a problem with that as I'm bisexual, but it just brought me back to Secondary School and all the badmouthing).

What I just said above just shows all the damage bullying causes, especially if you're not resilient to it. I've come out a very paranoid and distrustful person, as a result. It's not great for making friends. I always thought it would work itself out in College, but it never did. If you can learn anything for me, do something about it! I wish I'd taken the time to do so before college. As a result, I haven't really enjoyed College as I feel I used studies to hide away from my real problems which are weighing me down.

I think volunteering or an imoprtant lifestyle change is important. I would definitely recommend CBT, as it can work for you provided you are willing to implement the thinking processes it teaches you. This summer, I managed to get my first proper job in a Hotel. It'll be tough, but I'm hoping it'll give my some of that life experience I really do need to develop as a person. Anything that is not studying books.

Overall, I think taking some 'selfish time' to discover is what you need. That's my though, now. What I gathered from your comment about the disabled person is that you felt guilty for letting life get you down, whereas other people have a 'valid' reason. I do accept I might have taken that wrong. But. I think it's important to say that nobody is perfect. Just because you are hurting inside doesn't mean you're a bad person for not realising you can walk/see, whereas the blind/ disabled cannot. Everybody does what they have to do. I have a classmate who is blind and is in my course. Despite her difficulties, she probably has a better quality of life than I do. She has loving parents, a loving boyfriend, supportive and kind friends and many fulfilling hobbies/possible career prospects. For me, that would be a better quality of life as I'm incredibly lonely. Life is what you make it.

As regards your parents, It's fair to say that some parents (particularly of our generation) just really don't get mental health. Whereas my mum tries to understand, she doesn't really. She would just say to me that I need to get out more to make friends. While this is true, it's hard to put into practise and to fight demons from my past. She always keeps telling me to smile (even if I'm not happy), which I can't do honestly if I'm not happy. Things like that.

Anyway, you sound like a lovely person. I hope you can take something positive from this.

RachaelVO

Awww OP, sounds like you're getting yourself all tied up in knots and don't know how to untie them!

The volunteering suggestion is a great one. If you like animals as much as you say, you should have no problem volunteering in shelters and stuff like that. It's a great way to get yourself out and about.

Going back to college is also another way to meet people, you will be starting college with a clean slate, you will find a number of your fellow students are away from home, without their friends, and that won't only be in your class, there will be MANY starting out from scratch. In college there will also be clubs, social events, all that kinda thing. You will definitely meet lots of people there.

You're right about one thing, you can't prevent your parents from going away, they are a unit, and they need time with just the two of them, thinking that your mum should be feeling that she shouldn't be going away leaving you on your own is a smidge selfish. You love your parents, and you should want them to look after their relationship.

It'sperfectly fine to be a sympathetic person, but when you see someone who is disabled (and I don't mean to sound like a cow here), but who are you to feel sorry for them? A lot of people with disabilities have fulfilling lives, and don't like being looked down or condescended to. You may need to change your perceptions on how people live their lives.

Have you considered that this could be more deep rooted? It has a sound of depression to me. I might be a good idea to discuss it with your doctor or even a nurse. I know you've said you've been to counsellors, but I would think you need to go for longer. Homeopathy can be effective, but you need to know what exactly is going on inside your head before it can help. Also, if I was you I'd stay away from psychics. The majority are not necessarily effective, and you would be wiser to go with tried and tested methods!

You're only 21, and I can promise you, this will pass. The world really is at your feet, you just need to get the strength to grab it with both hands, and I think you're going in the right direction, starting college and looking at your options at getting out and about.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and in a while when you're going out for dinner or a few drinks with your new friends, you should come back, tell us all how you're getting on, and maybe write down a few steps for others who may be going through the exact same or similar thing

LegacyUser

i come from a similar background so i know exactly what you're talking about. the bullying did me major damage......a lot more than i thought even though it was years ago. i think it would be a great idea to see a good counsellor. i'd say you just lack confidence in social situations which reduces your ability to communicate and connect with others...hence your lack of friends.

thankfully, confidence and self-esteem are not permanent states...they can go up and down. yours is obviously down at the moment but with the right counsellor you can get it back up.....and start feeling good about yourself and interacting with others freely. friends will then naturally follow after. it took me a long time to figure this out....12 years!!!....i wish i had taken action sooner but hey my life is great now....i got there in the end!

AckwelFoley

Its tough at your age. College will be great, give it time to settle in.

Boards do meets too. Post lots and make friends online too. Some of them are not a bad bunch at all

Fiona

AckwelFoley wrote: »

Post lots and make friends online too. Some of them are not a bad bunch at all

+1, the friends I have made in the last 3 years from my car club are some of my closest friends that I speak to everyday and socialise more than the people I grew up with!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the lovely replies, was nice to log in and find 10 comments, in other words, ten people that cared

I'mlonelyto: You sound exactly like me. Social phobia is a good way of describing it. I have great difficulty talking to people of my own age, but I've no problem talking to older people.

When people (my age) talk to me, I feel my face almost swell up with nerves, I lock my jaw, I lick my lips, I tense my cheeks.. I just assume in my head that they are judging me up and down and they are wondering "why is that girls face swelling?" etc.

I work in retail and customers always tell me to "put a smile on that lovely face" or "cheer up, lifes not so bad" or "smile would you?"... and it really upsets me so much. It's just my face. It doesn't necessarily mean I am down. Sometimes I am happy and I still look sad. I do try to smile, but it's impossible to be conscious of "am I smiling?" 24/7..

I think I mislead people with the disability comment. I don't look down on people who have disabilities. What I meant was, I have experienced girls to be so nasty and malicious growing up that I can almost predict what they might be thinking about others. Some adults too. Some people can be really nasty. It's those people who I think of when I see someone that may have something which can make them vulnerable to slagging. Over weight people, under weight people, people with red hair, people with blonde hair etc. In other words what i am trying to say is I hate how cruel the world is and how few genuinely lovely people are in it. That's how I genuinely feel. I just find life really tough

My mum always jokes about "you go on like a granny" or "you'd swear you had all the problems of the world on your shoulders"... but the way I see it is, how come I have no friends? I'm so nice to people, yet I have no friends? I've never had a boyfriend and I ask myself why. I thought I'd be a lovely girlfriend to have. All these questions make me question people and the world and I always end up down at the end of the day.

This may sound silly, but for any of you that watched One Tree Hill growing up, I think Peyton is my clone. I relate to her in every way possible. That may give people a good insight as to what I am like as a person and my views on life because I'm not great with words and I'm finding it very difficult to say exactly how I feel

ssallyg

hi
you say you had friends but you lost them.. So you made friends in the first place. that's good isn't it... sometimes friends come and go because of things happening in their own lives. Keep trying.. don't expect anything from anyone.. just appreciate your communication with people no matter how small it is. you probably have loads of friens without realizing it. Some friendships take longer to grow...
You are lucky to have family around you.. Some people don't .
Your loniliness is your challenge to overcome...not your family's responsibility...so enjoy your life... Enjoy your challenge...It has been given to you for a reason

bluestar2010

You should check out GROW. Its a mental health group but its really for anyone who has problems in their life. They have groups all over Ireland.
I joined GROW a few months back and made loads of social contacts. I'm in my twenties by the way and there was also other people there of similar age.

There's also a website called meetup.com. The link you need is meet.com/cities/ie. They have social groups in a lot of cities in Ireland.

Hope this helps.