Friend been going after my man - what to do?

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I met a guy a few months ago. We had a couple of kisses on nights out. From the get go I felt like a friend of mine (we're only friends a year or so), had been trying to obstruct me and this guy. There were a few occasions where she'd interrupt conversations, or hang around when she was no longer needed (acting a bit hyper or drunk to mask it I think). She actually did something similar with another friend on a night out, i.e get in the way of her and her potential man.

We live in a small town so my friend and (my) guy would know each other for years, albeit not all that well. There would be a couple of links of friends between them, but nothing direct. I always kept any information regarding me and him to myself as I didn't trust her to say/do something if the bumped into him on a night out when I wasn't there.
Anyway, over time I started to get a gut feeling that she's go after him if she got half a chance.. and more recently I had been waiting on the news that they had kissed or whatever. (Ok, some might say to me, "Hey, it's a free country, all is fair in love and war etc..." Also, there is the fact that myself and him never took off during these past few months, and I know some people would say let them at it, if it's what they both want. I can see two sides to an argument. But anyone I say this to, tell me it’s against codes in a friendship.

Anyway, at the weekend, we all ended up at a party. Again myself and him got chatting. We came to the conclusion that we both had been sending out mixed signals/poor communication before, hence why things never progressed. Towards the end of this party, I started to notice my friend skulking around after him. completely transparent. Although I don't think she realised it was so transparent. how she doesn't realise her behaviour isn't transparent is beyond me. From watching them chat (briefly), I suddenly had that thought that something might have happened between them. So, I asked him if anything was going on, and told him if so, just say, and I'd leave them to it. He said no, and was adamant, but did say "X doesn't know what she wants.." - whatever that meant! We chatted on for a good while, I mentioned how X gets in the way sometimes. He agreed.
ANyway, I was sobering up and decided I was going home. all of our friends had gone, just myself and her left. I told her I was phoning a taxi. She said she'd stay. (to me she was obviously glad I was going so she's have another crack at him. uninterrupted!). I then told him I was going. His first question was "what's X doing?". He immediately jumped up and grabbed his coat when I told him she was staying on. He came back to mine for a little while. We weren't back 5 mins when he told me she was after texting him asking why he left her there with randomers!!!!!! He seemed annoyed at this. Told me that she's crazy, and sort of ran her down as well as another friend of hers he knows a long time.

This week when I saw her she was her usual sweetness. Acting like my friend. She seems to have no clue that I'm onto her, or is completely shameless regarding her behaviour at party.
His behaviour or possible dishonesty aside, what do you think of her ??? Acceptable or not?
On reflection, I think her behaviour is sad to say the least. She seemingly finds it hard to be left out of any action. but at this stage I just cannot have any pity for her, I just feel awul anger! I feel cheated. I am starting to distance myself from her, she's not a great/life long friend and I am inclined to ditch her once I leave this town (planning on heading on in a couple of months).
How reasonable/unreasonable am I being?

thanks for reading.

username123

Chile1212 wrote: »

How reasonable/unreasonable am I being?

I think you are being unreasonable. Unless you have some kind of exclusivity with a guy she is entitled to do what she likes. Maybe she thinks youre getting in her way?

Also, not very nice of you to be b1tching about her with the guy after you leave with him - you clearly dont see her as a friend at all, so why do you expect her to see you as one and stay away from your 'potential' men?
If you are giving mixed signals to the guy then those mixed signals also extend to others, if you are seen with him then not with him people will assume he is a free agent.

Codes of friendship are more for the movies I think, or for good friendships where you respect the other person and dont hold the views you do about this person.

LegacyUser

yeah, I agree. you don't have any claim to this guy so shouldn't get too annoyed about what's happened. however, it does seem like this friend of yours is a bit of an attention wh*re and can't stand it when her friends get attention and she doesn't. and she does sound a bit sneaky!
just distance yourself a bit. you're not friends all that long, and your opinion of her is well and truly tarnished now anyway. you haven't lost all that much in my opinion.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Hey, just to clarify. My Title should read "potential man". I do not have any claim on him, and haven't had one over the months. He is free to do as he likes.

Usename: just to clarify, I didn't b1tch about her, he did that. I listened and took his view on board. I was already at the point where I was losing respect for her and fast, so I didn't feel the need to defend her to the last. he was probably right in what he said based on her carry on in general over the months.
I'm just of the opinion that you do not go with a friend's potential man, or a friend's ex. end of. and you do not obstruct your friend if they are starting to see someone. Remember she did something identical to another of our friends.
But yes, it is interesting to gain perspective on other people's opinion/attitude to the stuff I've written about, so thanks for the responses.

Rocket19

I don't agree with the previous poster. It doesn't matter whether they're exclusive or not, she's not some randomer; she's supposed to be her friend. The fact that they are anyway involved (and they have a "thing" that's been going on months) means that, as her friend, it is her duty to back right off! Even if he is technically "fair game", trying to 'steal' a guy your friend likes and is already somewhat involved with is kinda low, don't you think?

To the OP, I don't think your being totally unreasonable, but the thing I don't understand is WHY haven't you confronted her? And I say this as someone who is quite non-confrontational - I would only pick a fight with a friend if I really thought it was warranted. Would it really be such a big deal to say "What is your problem? Why are you flirting with X?" "Why were texting X when I was with him? Do like him or something?". I would do this, either in the moment, or after, it doesn't matter. But you have to let your feeling known. Are you sure she even knows that you really like him? Is it obvious to her/other people that you two are a "thing"? If she actually is unaware of what she's doing (albeit unlikely), this'll inform her, and if she IS aware, it lets her know that it's not OK, and to cop on.

Also...don't b1tch about your friend to the guy, no matter what she does, or no-matter how wrong she is. I mean, what sort of friend does that make you? At least try to sort it out with HER first, you don't even know what's going on in her head.

username123

Chile1212 wrote: »

Usename: just to clarify, I didn't b1tch about her, he did that. I listened and took his view on board. I was already at the point where I was losing respect for her and fast, so I didn't feel the need to defend her to the last. he was probably right in what he said based on her carry on in general over the months.
I'm just of the opinion that you do not go with a friend's potential man, or a friend's ex. end of. and you do not obstruct your friend if they are starting to see someone. Remember she did something identical to another of our friends.

I think the key thing here is 'potential' - alls fair in love and war and all that.
I dont think its an issue to go for someones potential man, if he likes you he will stick with you so whats the problem? How would she know he was potential if nothing had developed anyway? Its clearly not much of an obstruction of you are still able to leave with the guy?

The way you refer to her here would indicate you dont see her as a friend, you have little respect for her and you dont care about her, you say you are planning to ditch her when you leave town - people dont talk about people they care about that way. So its not clear to me why she is expected to follow some kind of friendship code when you do not.

ash23

Why are you even bothering with the guy?

Months in and he's still arsing around, you don't know where you stand with him, he's having some sort of "thing" with your friend and then dissing her, you don't trust him (you aren't sure if something happened with him and your friend) etc etc.....
He seems like a headwrecker and might very well be playing the two of you off each other.

Big Bag of Chips

I think when you live in a small town, people tend to "do the rounds". I know me and my friends would often end up having kissed the same fella (obviously with a significant time between!) One time I kissed a fella - and about a month later he rang me and asked me to set him up wth my friend! My husband's friend started going out with a girl a while after my husband kissed her (when they were teens.. not when he was my husband!)... they are now married!

In a small town if people have to stay away from people that their friends have kissed, then it tends to take alot of people out of the picture!

To be honest, reading your post I was confused as to whether you were with this guy or not. And it seems you're not.. you sort of were, briefly, and neither you nor he knew whether you were or not... so how is this girl supposed to know if you are interested or not.

Chile1212 wrote: »

I always kept any information regarding me and him to myself as I didn't trust her to say/do something if the bumped into him on a night out when I wasn't there

From that I'm guessing you never told her you were intersted...??

As for her being "transparent".. maybe she's just letting him know she's interested! You didn't let him know, he didn't let you know and this is why you're at the stage you're at now!!

She does seem like a bit of an attention seeker alright - but I can't see that she has really done anything terrible here. The fact that you don't like her anyway is making everything she does even more annoying for you.

If you want to be with the fella - make your move, decide whether you are "together" or not, and then let her know that you are going out with him. Then if she still pursues him you have a right to be annoyed.

Although - now if you make a move and end up with him, she may well be pssed off with you because "you didn't really want him, you found out she was interested, and then you went after her man"!! (see how different sides can see different perspectives!)

JasmineLousie

Ditch her and him. she is no friend of yours and will do the same thing again and again. Whatever happened to sisterhood? some women!! I didnt like his response that X doesnt know what she wants, it sounds like he might of tried it on and she refused and then changed her mind. Eitherways, Im sure she wouldnt be texting him if she wasnt getting any signals from him. If he was truely into you, he would have tried harder and earlier to make his feelings for you apparant and ensure ye were exclusive. Also, calling the other girl crazy, slagging her and other people off, and essientally fleeing the place cause she was staying doesnt make him sound very gentlemenly. I think you deserve a lot better.

NoobSaibot5

Tricky!

Personally, if it was me, I'd be outstraight to the two of them seperately and ask outright what's going on. If the guy actually wants to stop mucking about with mixed communications and go for it, by all means, progress. If he doesn't know what he wants, leave him be, because by the sounds of it he'll only cause more trouble than it's worth. But you would need to ask him directly "whats the story with us two? Is it happening or not?" because frankly your in a very confused place right now and it's his obligation to let you know where he stands in all of this so you can have some clarity.

For you friend? Again, ask her outstraight why she does this. Tell her you feel that she's aware of your interest in this guy and have noticed her behaviour around him, and explain to her that it's upsetting you and you don't like it. There are certain unspoken codes in friendship and personally I'd agree with the statement that you don't chase who your friend is into, but generally I think that rule only really applies if the friend is very close to you. If she genuinely is interested in him you both need to talk about it, perhaps she's hooked up with him before and he's ditched her? Maybe she's doing all of this because as far as she's concerned, she actually stood a chance with him?

The trick is to not be confrontational, but to be direct with both of them. If either had a head of sense they'd know from how you articulate yourself that this is something that's making you uneasy and you just want some clarification. There could be a lot more that went on that your not aware of, and sometimes when you hear people's own perspective's on these kinda situations it helps you to understand the bigger picture that bit more. I've collared friends about this kinda stuff before and if you can control your emotions during that conversation (which is hard if you feel like your trust is being broken by a mate) you can gain some valuable insight on things you were unaware of. You won't get anywhere by pussyfooting around either of them in the long run, so the best bet is to just pull the two of them aside and on their own, then talk to them over coffee or something. You've nothing to lose by pulling them both about it.

newport2

OP, if your friend doesn't know you kissed this guy, isn't it possible she's thinking the exact same thing about you now that you are about her? ie I liked this guy and my friend butted in and went home with him from the party.
From reading your story, neither of you are aware of anything happening between this guy and each other. Does this not put you both in exactly the same position from her perspective? Is it possible she thinks you both turned up at the party, you both were interested in this guy and neither of you had any history with him?

LegacyUser

Hello again,

Good points made there. thanks.

She knew I kissed him, and knew there was history. So, I dont' think it's a case that she fancied him and believed the path was clear for her.
I dont' think she actually is interested in him, I think it's the attention that she's after. She would never date him, she has more or less run down his type once or twice saying how he wasn't relationship material. I think its a case that she is so used to being centre of attention with men, that when a couple of her friends start to get a little attention, insecurities bubble to the surface and she has to 'get in on the action' or try to hinder the action. that is my feeling. Afterall our friend had indentical experience one night. Is she genuinely interested in all these guys?? I think not.

It's just a reallly strong gut feeling I had that she wanted a bit of the action, and that she'd try it on with him given the right moment and the right amount of drink. Deep down I dont' believe she likes him, it may be about getting a confidence boost. (I hope that doesn't sound arrogant, but it's the inlkling I get). I think maybe she can't help herself, and is on auto pilot at times. She needs to be popular and the focus of attention.

I agree though that it's possible he has shown some bit of interest in her, and she's acted keen one min (wanting some attention), then perhaps off with him the next (knowing that deep down she doesn't actually want him). I'm not going to bother with him anymore. He's not worth it.

As regards the bad mouthing, When he gave out about her. I didn't agree with him, nor contradict him. I sat and listened, but all the time forming my own opinion and thoughts based my own experiences/feelings. I had actually already formed my opinions, negative ones. She is a new found friend, and to be honest not a friendship that I value all that much now. So given all that has happened (butting in on this guy, and breaking confidence on another issue), I do not feel all that loyal to this girl.
I cannot trust her, with men or anything else to be honest, and drifting a bit from her seems like the best option.

dellas1979

But you havent given any clear indication to her that you like him. Have you explicity said "I like X". If you havent drawn any lines (just in your own head), people dont know.

If you explicity said to her that you are interested in him, at least there is a line drawn and she may still or may not cross it, she might have something to say herself. But all this is going on in your head at the moment.

And to add, as other posters have said, it seems he isnt making the situation any better by just stringing you or both along. Women always blame each other when really its this guy at the center is getting away with it all.

Susie_Q

I had a somewhat similiar situation when I first got together with my OH. He's very handsome and women like him, and one of my friends in particular was being ridiculously flirty with him - at my birthday party of all places! It got to the stage where I was actually getting upset at her behaviour, so instead of ruining my entire night I just pulled her aside and asked her what the hell she was doing. She claimed she had no idea she was being so flirty, and admitted that other women had actually had to warn her about this behaviour before. In fairness to her she was mortified and stopped immediately.

It's worth being totally direct with this woman and asking her to stop being so inappropriate. I know you have no 'claim' over him per se, but personally I would never go after someone that I knew my friend was keen on. Best of luck.

CathyMoran

A former friend of mine expressed interest in a guy that I liked. I dated him briefly but he dated her shortly afterwards - he is now my husband.

In my opinion your so called friend is acting unfairly but it is the man's decision who he likes though I am sure that he is loving having two women fighting over him.