long distance

LegacyUser

Myself and my girlfriend have been going out 5+years, lived together abroad had a great time etc.
I got an amazing job back home in Dublin and it was an opportunity I could not pass up. As the flight between us is only just over an hour we didnt think it would be a big deal but we're 9months into the long distance thing and despite seeing her every couple of weeks and chatting everyday I can feel the relationship starting to fail.
I'm actually finding it difficult to put into words how I'm feeling as I know I love the girl but I now start looking at other women I know/work with and its more than a purely brief physical interest as they walk by. I'm starting to want to get out there again and meet new people, something I haven't felt in a long time. I would love the relationship to work with my girlfriend but I dont feel like I'm in a relationship anymore, at the same time I don't want to end it as I know that there is still a great amount of love for the girl and if I were to end it there would be no going back. When we organise weekends to visit each other I almost feel like she is intruding on my life here. In saying that I have a great time hanging out with her and when we're together its like we never were apart.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should do. Am I trying to keep the relationship alive when its dead already?

LegacyUser

Reading your post I can understand exactly how you feel. I spent a year and a half in a relationship with someone who was living abroad and was only able to see him every 3 / 4 months. About 8/9 months into the long distance I felt like we were growing apart and like you I was starting to look at other guys which I had never done before. I confided in a friend about this and was assured it was pretty normal but still felt guilty. This continued until he returned and now everything is back on track.

I dont know what advice I can give you but just to say that what you are feeling is normal and long distance is a lot of work. I didnt even realise how hard it had been until he came home and I see the difference in our relationship now. BUT it is worth it in the end, just think of what it was like before, the strongest relationships can crumble with distance so if it is worth keeping it is worth making the effort and trying your best to find an end date to the distance if possible

Hope it all works out for you

The Princess Bride

I suppose you could ask yourself,what would your honest reaction be if she told you tomorrow that she too,was moving back to Dublin,and expected you both to continue as before.
Would this be great news or only good news?

All relationships can have their difficult patches-regardless of distance.
There's nothing wrong with you making new friends here,as this is a significant opportunity in your life.
The fact that you feel she is almost intruding on your life when she visits,is a concern don't you think?

Perhaps raise the issue with her the next time you both meet?
Maybe she has similar concerns.
Take care.

prinz

XT043 wrote: »

I can feel the relationship starting to fail.

A relationship isn't external to the people involved. They don't just 'fail' of their own accord. You either both put the effort in to make it work or you don't... and it seems that you don't really want to put the effort in to make it work because deep down you actually want to move on to somebody else and that would eventually have come to the surface even if you weren't long distance IMO.

XT043 wrote: »

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have no idea what I'm doing or what I should do. Am I trying to keep the relationship alive when its dead already?

Tbh it sounds like it, but imo it has nothing to do with it being long distance... and I've been in a LDR for years, I know what it's like. I know it gets tough but at no time have I started looking at potential new relationships or feeling the urge to go down that route. Meet new people, make friends, socialise yes... meet new people with the aim of getting a new partner no.

leeroybrown

prinz wrote: »

A relationship isn't external to the people involved. They don't just 'fail' of their own accord. You either both put the effort in to make it work or you don't... and it seems that you don't really want to put the effort in to make it work because deep down you actually want to move on to somebody else and that would eventually have come to the surface even if you weren't long distance IMO.

I disagree that with this.

The dynamic of people's relationships are different. I genuinely couldn't see a long-term long-distance relationship working for me. I'm not the kind of person who likes spending hours on the phone or video chat to anyone, even people I'd spend hours chatting with over a cup of coffee. If I knew it would definitely be a long-term thing and not just maybe six months it'd probably be relationship over. I've seen plenty of very good relationships have problems or drift apart purely because one or both people didn't like far less distance than the OP has.

The real issue here is, if the long-distance thing is starting to be an issue, are working two jobs with that much spearation worth more than the relationship?

blacklilly

Hey OP,
I was in the same position as you.
I was with my bf 3 years and he had to move to the UK for work.
we had a great relationship and we honestly thought we could cope with long distance.
we saw each other every few weeks but like you I felt that the relationship was falling. we started to become more like good friends, i felt that when we did see each other I had to turn on a switch and be in really good form (not that im not usually) but I didn't want to spend what little time we did have not being in great form. it felt like we couldn't discuss serious things.
when we were apart I felt like a single person, all my friends were spending time with their bfs - gfs and I was alone. if i was upset i didn't want him to know cause i didn't want him worrying about it.
we stayed together for about 9 months after he moved.
I broke it off with him. it was a very tough decision but we no longer had any intimacy, I missed him just being there, holding hands etc and turn i began to question if i was just delaying the inevitable, as in were we meant to be together. I was in a relationship yet i was so lonely.
if you are having doubts, you're having them for a reason. i suppose you really need to ask yourself is, is she the one for you. if the answer is no then you know what you have to do.
long distance is never easy, some people can get through it, some can't.

Green Mile

The above is rather upsetting I have to say.
My GF has a fantastic opportunity in the UK to finish her PhD. She wants to go and i've said she should because I know it's what she wants to do.
So we are going to try the Long Distance thing. It's for 2 years and since it's only in the UK, we feel it would be easy to make it work considering cheap flight, calls and skype etc.

We've been together for 6 years now and we are still really into each other, I would hate to think that our relationship would be under threat because of long distance.

Anyone out there have any positive scenarios or experiences? Doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder??

prinz

Green Mile wrote: »

I would hate to think that our relationship would be under threat because of long distance.

There will be difficulties for sure, but problems, difficulties and drama arise in every relationship be it long distance or not. Look at all the threads of this forum and see issues day in and day out from people who aren't long distance. A lot of people react as if long distance is a guaranteed deal breaker, it isn't. It just presents you with a different set of challenges than a non distance relationship does.

Green Mile wrote: »

Anyone out there have any positive scenarios or experiences?

Yup, I've been long distance on and off for years. Long distance at the moment for the same reasons as yourself, my wife was offered a Phd on the continent and it made sense for her to go for it. If you both put the work in and are determined to make it work then it can/will work.

Green Mile wrote: »

Doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder??

That's a double egded sword. It's by no means easy but tbh my friends would have multiple levels of relationship drama, making up, breaking up, etc etc than I would.

leeroybrown

Green Mile wrote: »

Anyone out there have any positive scenarios or experiences? Doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder??

As I said above I wouldn't do it myself but I know plenty of people who do it. From what I've seen of other people's long-distance relationships you need two things to make them work: both people need to make a real ongoing effort to be together and both people need to be independent (or busy) enough to deal with being apart from their partner a lot. The ones I've seen fail are generally because over time one partner loses enthusiasm for the extra hassle involved in arranging and travelling for those weekends together or one partner tires of the long distance communication.

The one thing I'd advise you is to drop the "easy" from your thinking. It's a bit of work and a lot of extra cost/time but if you do put some effort in I've seen it work well for people.