Please help me- X-boyfriend dilemma trouble!!!

JasmineLousie

I got in touch with my X boyfriend James recently for the purpose of getting him back. Its been five years and I never got over him. I feel so connected to him, and I was never so happy as I was with him. Truth is I broke his heart by rekindling with an xboyfriend Kevin who I felt 'safer' with. James is very extraverted, whereas I am very intraverted and that made me insecure. As did the fact that he had many xgirlfriends, whereas I only had one Kevin who I dated when I was 15. I was worried he would leave me eventually whereas I knew Kevin wouldnt. I was 19.

Today Im still dating Kevin still but I really love James. James and I stopped speaking when we broke up. He took it really badly. We spoke recently on the phone and he is dating someone else for the past two years. He says he was happiest when he was with me, and I feel the same. Yet he said he is reluctant to meet up as he is scared of old feelings re-surfacing. I dont know what to make of this. He doesnt know I want to get back with him, but Im disappointed the feelings would be 're-surfacing' and not already there. Does this mean he is happy now, and doesnt really feel the same??

gud4u

Are you not doing the exact same thing to Kevin as you did to James....

You will always remember the best parts of a relationship after a break up and that's why some people get back together a couple of times before thay can make a real break. If you have contantly been in a relationship since you were 15 maybe you need some time to figure out what you really want, with no man in your life.

It is only my opinion of course, but I think you are really feckin with James head, can you not leave him be now that he's in another realtionship.

If your feelings for Kevin have you contacting an old flame...there's not much hope for your current relationship anyway.

Four people will get hurt here..including you.

tinkerbell

OP, I don't think you're ready for ANY relationship tbh. You're doing the exact same thing now to your current boyfriend that you did to your ex boyfriend a few years ago. I think you need to end your relationship with your current boyfriend because he deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be with him, not feel like second best.

_dublinlad_

This whole situation sounds toxic.

Did James ever give you any reason to feel like he was going to leave you, or was it all in your head? Whats stopping these feelings reappearing if you get back with him?

TBH I think you should leave him alone, he is with someone now, you cant just swoop in and take him. You guys obviously had something very special together, but you ruined that - that is something your just going to have to learn to live with.

I would also suggest that maybe you shouldnt be in a relationship at all at the minute if your trying to contact James, I mean does Kevin know about this? I think the healtiest option would be to let Kevin go - and find a girl that truely loves him, remain single for a while and sort your head out before you meet another guy. And for everyone concerned - dont contact James again, its the past, its over, he has moved on.

All the best.

LittleBook

At the very least you need to break up with Kevin and try to spend some time single, it will help you get perspective on the situation and your own feelings. It will also help you mature a bit.

Taltos

So OP - from the sound of things you have been in relationships consistently from the age of 15.

Sometimes while the extra support is great being in a relationship from so young an age can hold you back from ever really learning who you are - just you. You have always been You and Kevin or You and James.

I think the post preceding this had it in one - maybe it is time just to be You. Take some time - say 6 months or a year or two and just have fun being on your own meeting people and exploring who it is you really are and what it is you want from a relationship as well as what you can bring to one.

Otherwise - there is a risk that the behaviour you have exhibited up to now may continue to repeat. You wondering always is the grass greener instead of knowing 100% who you are and what it is you really want.

Also - it isn't fair on any of your partners. If not for your own sake - maybe for theirs you need some time alone. Now - it is going to be tough - tough as hell - but if you can stick with it and get past the initial rough patches this might be just what you need to really find who you are. Better now while you are still young that later when you maybe married with children in tow.

JasmineLousie

Hey guys

Thanks so much for the advice. Alot of what you said really reasonated with me. Im 25, and Ive constantly been in a relationship since the age of 15. I've had a very troubled upbringing and the only affection I have known is the one I have got from men. The first person to tell me they loved me was Kevin when I was 15. Your posts have really made me see that I neeed to work out who I am, rather fulfilling my own need for love and support.
I truely love Kevin, and I think perhaps it is the grass is always greener. I still feel so much guilt over hurting James, and I think this is blinding me since I only starting feeling this way when I got in contact with him. I guess thats a part of growing up, letting go of past loves. Its soo hard though, better to cut contact altogether? I think thats what James wants to do given that he is afraid of meeting me least old feelings re-surface. How do I stop wanting what I cant have?