stuck? in a relationship?

amanda7x

Hi ladies,

I've been in my current relationship for the last 4 years. It's pretty much been going nowhere, no communication, intimacy, trust, nothing. I'm at the stage where I just feel the relationship is holding me back from life and living. Now the reason I'm still with this guy is because I got pregnant when we were just 3 months together so we now have a 3 yr old.
I know in my heart that if my son wasn't in the picture I would not be with this guy. I would like to hear opinions/similar experiences from you lovely ladies! Am I settling? Am I suffering in the hope that my son can have a 'normal' family upbringing? I suppose I'm just afraid of what will happen my little man if I do leave my partner.

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

curlzy

Hey OP,

That is just an awful situation. Can you work on the relationship? Is it at all salvagable? Could you have an open relationship perhaps? I do think having both parents at home is what children need as long as the parents relationship is low conflict, is your relationship low conflict?

Sorry for all the questions but it's really hard to say without know more.

daisybelle2008

People always say that kids pick up on these things. How do you plan on keeping your dysfunctional relationship hidden from him (no trust, communication and intimacy are big things to hide!!). How do you plan to 'play happy' families? It is going to take a good bit of dishonesty and acting to mask your unhappiness. Is that what you want to teach your son? Are you going to hide your real feelings and true self from him. You are seriously not going to be doing him any favours.

I think you are selling all 3 of you short by engaging in some charade. It seems a very unfair burden to place on the little fellow.

Would you want your son (when he is all grown up) to be in a relationship going nowhere, no communication, intimacy, trust, nothing???? Why would you set an example to him that that is good enough? How would that be better for your son?


God I would not want one of my parents to stay in a loveless shell of a marriage 'for my sake'. I would not want the burden of their self imposed misery.

Why not be true to yourself and be the best single parents you can be to your son? At least you will be honest and free.

amanda7x

thank you guys for replying.

curlzy- you are exactly where my head is at as regards having both parents at home. That is why I have been so afraid/stupid to leave.

But, daisybelle2008, I agree with you also. I feel I'm at the stage of thinking if I'm not happy how will my son ever be? I've put up for four years of trying my best to work on the relationship and get shot down every time. In my heart I feel I deserve so much more out of life and so does my son.

curlzy

Hey OP,

How does your partner feel about this? Do you have any kind of mutual respect? Could you go to couples counselling?

Like I said, I really believe as long as the relationship is low conflict it's best to stay together when children are involved. The research on the subject supports that view. If you wanna look it up yourself just google it and there'll be loads to read through, it's good to be informed before you make any decisions.

It sounds that your relationship isn't much of one. Can you tell me any positives at all? Is he a good dad? I really would be looking for any possible way to stay together and also have a little happiness if I were a mother in your position. Is he willing to try to save the family unit?

Again sorry for the questions but this isn't really a one size fits all kinda issue. Like there was a man here a while ago that had great respect for his wife, thought she was a great mum and loved her but his attraction to her was gone. I would rate their chances of fixing it, if they worked on it, as very good. However, if there is abuse in the relationship i.e. emotional, financial, physical, mental abuse then no I don't think it would be best for the child. We really need to know more to advise you properly I think.

Piliger

amanda7x wrote: »

Hi ladies,

I've been in my current relationship for the last 4 years. It's pretty much been going nowhere, no communication, intimacy, trust, nothing. I'm at the stage where I just feel the relationship is holding me back from life and living. Now the reason I'm still with this guy is because I got pregnant when we were just 3 months together so we now have a 3 yr old.
I know in my heart that if my son wasn't in the picture I would not be with this guy. I would like to hear opinions/similar experiences from you lovely ladies! Am I settling? Am I suffering in the hope that my son can have a 'normal' family upbringing? I suppose I'm just afraid of what will happen my little man if I do leave my partner.

Hi OP. Firstly there is no right answer and wrong answer. What matters is what is right for you and for your child. And that depends on a lot of things that only you can know and only you can judge.
Things like - day to day communication in the house and around your child, daily conflict, your general mood day to day, consistency of treatment of your child between the two of you. At 3yo your child is pretty innocent to this, but as s/he gets older is will get progressively more difficult.
Then there are issues like your financial situation, employment prospects for you, likely living conditions if you had to live elsewhere. Access to childcare, parents, friends.
I can't go through all of the alternatives but if you can elaborate on some of them I would be happy to offer feedback.
I have been married for 25 years until recently, part of which was spent waiting for my son to get to 19. However there were other circumstances that influenced my choice.

ibarelycare

OP of course your son is important and it would be ideal for him to grow up in a happy house with two parents. But the truth is he's growing up in an unhappy house with two parents. Surely that will have a worse affect on him than both parents living separately but happily? It is sad when families have to break up but if you're very unhappy in the relationship and don't see any resolve then there's only one thing to do. You have the rest of your life to live, you have the potential to meet someone else who you WILL have a happy relationship with (as does your partner). The most important thing is that you're both good parents to your son, even if you have to do it in two separate households.

PlainP

Hey OP,

My advice would be to talk to your partner, tell him how you feel, tell him you are worried that your son will be affected from the relationship you currently have with him. He might feel the same and if you can amicably separate it would be the best thing for all involved.

I have two children and I'm not with their father any more they were young when we split up (6 & 5), I like you got pregnant very quick into the relationship.

We get on amicably, they stay with their father every second weekend and he is in touch constantly. They do miss him and have told me that they wish we were together but I have explained that people sometimes can't be together. They understand and accept this.

I have been told from teachers who know my circumstances that they are brilliant children and don't seem to be affected in a bad way from the separation.

I am now with the most wonderful man whom I love with all my heart he also loves my children and they love him.

This is just my story I hope you can come to a good arrangement for yourself your partner and of course your son who is the most important person in all of this.

You deserve to be happy and if your not the person who will suffer in the long run is your son as children are more aware of things than you think.

Good luck.

ElleEm

I agree with Ibarelycare.
You deserve to be as happy as you can be, as does your boyfriend. You are not fulfilling this by staying in your relationship as it is currently.
Your son's first experience of romantic love is seeing you and your boyfriend interact together, and if there is no intimacy/ love or trust then your son is not witnessing this.
You and your boyfriend need to discuss this. Your son is an important factor in all this, but two happy parents living apart is WAY better than two unhappy parents living together.

SunnyDub1

Hi Op,

I was in a similar situation myself - 4 year relationship that went really dry, no communication, sex affection etc.

There was no child involved however.

I think you need to finish the relationship, it might not seem like a good idea now but you will be so much More happier when you get out of it and you will look a life in a different and more positive way.
It's not like you plan to run away with the child, your partner will still get to see him.

Which would you rather ... Staying with the partner feeling miserable just cause you think it will bring a better life for your son ?
Or splitting with your partner and enjoying the rest of your young life and meeting someone who is right for you.