My nerves are shot

LegacyUser

Hi I'm going unreg for this.

I really am close to a nervous breakdown at this point.

I'm getting married in 3 months and there has been a big heave up between myself and my inlaws.

Basically, we have paid for every single thing in our wedding and it has cost us €30000 so far. We saved our asses off for it payed for bridesmaids rooms bestmans rooms, the works.

We came upon a cropper re budget and I got a dress for the bridesmaids. I informed them. One was delighted, and the other one sent me a snotty text back saying that she should have been informed I was getting them that she should have the right to choose what she wears. If she had of known I got them, she wouldn't have bothered to be my bridesmaid.

Needless to say, I was very upset. She then went on to say a lot of things to me that we're very untrue. So we haven't spoken since.

I waited and waited for an apology, to which I did not receive. So as a last resort I decided to let her know that I no longer wanted her as bridesmaid.

I was doing a lot of thinking and it came to mind that never once did she ask me what my dress was like, what way she was wearing her hair, did I need help with anything or my hen night. Never hear a thing from her.

The problem is, she's my future sister in law who is in her very early 20's and is at times a little madam.

Now her family have said to me that there will be strong repercussions of this, that they might not go to our wedding and they will disown us.

I find this threatening and obviously it's causing rows between myself and himself. He totally was on my side and agreed that she was well out of order with me. However now that we are being told all this, he said he doesn't know if he can marry me as its his family.

I'm physically sick, exhausted and stressed. His family are the most controlling people I have met. Constantly calling and if the phone is not answered, there is a knock on our door. Different things like that. I even noticed that our mortgage account statement wasn't coming to our house, it turns out that it was somehow addressed to my finances parents house from when we were both living at home. His mother was opening them and going through them. It's changed now but that is an example of the control.

I don't know what to do now. I know for an easier life, I should just say forget about it, but I'm sick of getting walked over by them and I think I should finally stand my ground?

hondasam

There is no easy way to sort this tbh, I understand your BF is caught in the middle and he should of course defend and stand by you.
It's easy for me to say talk to her, make up with her but life is not that simple.
Speaking from experience I would say make it right before the wedding and after the wedding if they pull this crap again I would make it perfectly clear where they stand.

dellas1979

I say put the foot down now. Say the dress is there if she still wants to be bridesmaid. And that is that. No "well get another dress". You've made the compromise, and will be the bigger person, yet still in control.

If you enter to your married life feeling that you've lost control already, that is not a good start.

AhInFairness

Upsetandstressed wrote: »

He totally was on my side and agreed that she was well out of order with me. However now that we are being told all this, he said he doesn't know if he can marry me as its his family.

I am appalled at your partner's total lack of backbone here. Did he actually say those words to you?? That is disgraceful! You are supposed to be entering into married life together as partners and equals. He is most certainly not supposed to be bowing down to his insanely overbearing family because of that little brat of a sister.

I would go with the suggestion of saying "the dress is there if she wants to be bridesmaid" but go no further. But hun, I would think long and hard about how much support this man is going to give you in your future together. Is he going to let his family rule your lives as a married couple? What happens when you have children?

LegacyUser

Hi op here,

Thanks for the replies. Well I have just had a long chat with him there. I told him if that's what he wants to get out of my life and let me get back to normal as Im going to be his wife and I should be his first and foremost now. (not meaning to sound high maintenance ;-) )

He apologised and said that he really didn't mean it, and it flew out of his mouth. He said he was so worked up because his parents told him they will not be going to the wedding, either will his other two sisters and two brothers and that also his parents said they are going to call around to extended family to tell them not to go. Also, any of his extended family members I had asked to do readings etc, would not be doing them as they were going to call and tell them under no circumstances where they even attempt to help me out in anyway.

How insane is that? He just said to me that he wishes we lived in a foreign country away from his family as he is only beginning to see what nut jobs they really are and the whole controlling issues.

He was told to get out of his parents house when he was sticking up for me and said anything he said to his parents about me, they wouldn't listen and just shot him down.

Reesy

Ah, that's rotten.

In my humble opinion it's your BF's job to mediate between you & his family. I think you should explain to him that it's his job to do that. Gently but firmly ask him to speak to his rellies & don't take no for an answer. Keep it calm, don't shout. Maybe write him a letter.

And if he won't... well, I tend to agree with the poster who questioned his commitment to you & the wisdom of you marrying him.

Good luck.

Idle Passerby

Being invited to be someones bridesmaid is meant to be an honour and part of the job description to help the bride to organise things such as the hen night. This is your wedding so the bridesmaid dresses are yours to choose. Normally bridesmaids are given some choice but ultimately its the brides decision which ones she likes. Your sister in law is behaving like a spoilt child, Im surprised your in laws dont see it the same way. Its ridiculous for them to say they'll disown their own son and daughter in law to be just because their daughter has thrown a strop.

Like someone has said already, you'll just have to explain the dress is bought, its the one you like and you have no intention of returning it to get one of the girls choosing so if she still wants to be a bridemaid she is welcome to but she will be wearing the dress that was bought for her. If you cave into their overbearing demands you will be opening the floodgates to a life of them thinking they can bulldoze you over at every turn.

Pebbles68

Upsetandstressed wrote: »

Now her family have said to me that there will be strong repercussions of this, that they might not go to our wedding and they will disown us.

?

Over a dress? Seriously? You have a big choice to make. Are you going to let your future inlaws dictacte YOUR wedding day. If they don't want to go to your wedding because their precious little b**ch isn't the centre of attention you are better off without them.

But you better accept that this is their way. Bullying is obviously acceptable behaviour. If your fiance is not prepared to break ties with his family this is what you have ahead of you for your whole life.

hondasam

Pebbles68 wrote: »

If your fiance is not prepared to break ties with his family this is what you have ahead of you for your whole life.

This is not fair, this is his family and you cannot expect he will just ditch them over an argument his sister caused over a dress.

FouxDaFaFa

You poor thing. What a horrible situation.

I find it so hard to imagine such uproar over a dress, has there been any other tension between you and your partner's family?

I understand how awkward it must be to stand up to these people who you want to like you but they are completely over-reacting. Your partner should be sticking up for you more, his comment about maybe not being able to marry you is ridiculous. Even if you do work things out with his family, I would look more into why he would choose them over you for something so trivial.

Pebbles68

hondasam wrote: »

This is not fair, this is his family and you cannot expect he will just ditch them over an argument his sister caused over a dress.

It's not over a dress. It is over the grooms parents suggesting that they boycot the wedding unless their daughter gets her way. Remember the op already told us the early 20's sister is a little madam. Now the parents are saying there would be strong repercussions if she doesn't get her way. Honestly, it's much much more than a dress. How would you feel if your future parents in law gave you such an ultimatum just before your wedding?

AhInFairness

hondasam wrote: »

This is not fair, this is his family and you cannot expect he will just ditch them over an argument his sister caused over a dress.

Totally agree, but equally, it is completely unfair for him to tell his wife-to-be that he doesn't know if he can marry her over an argument his sister caused over a dress.

His family are behaving in an abhorrent manner and his reaction is to talk of calling off the wedding? I'm sorry Upsetandstressed but that is madness. He should be supporting you and trying to get his family to see sense. How a mother could set out to ruin her own son's wedding day is beyond me.

Has he made any attempt to speak to his family?

hondasam

They have paid €30000 so far I think the bridesmaids dresses should be a priority and the bridesmaids should get to have a say in what they are expected to wear.
The parents are over reacting of course but they are defending their daughter. It really is best not to come between parent and brother and sisters.
I get from the op's post she does not like the little sister in law and wants the BF to make a choice, this is a bad idea and unfair on him.

thefeatheredcat

Do your future inlaws know the whole story, or do they only know from your future sister in law that you dropped her "out of the blue" as a bridesmaid? Do they know the whole story about their daughter's initial reaction and tantrum about the dress including the nasty remarks and conversation that happened between you?

I think you are going to have to take the route of taking the high road and being the bigger man... Given that the whole situation has already gone too far, far too far beyond any one person's swallowing of pride and backing down on threats and causing hassle, I think you and your finance need to have a serious discussion about fixing this situation.

Even if he feels caught in the middle, this is something you have to face as a couple together and not have you mop up the mess that has been created by a most likely very jealous young woman who doesn't have attention on her for 5 minutes and resorts to throwing tantrums to get her way. And I suspect hasn't been completely honest about it either (defending your daughter about being dropped as bridesmaid is one thing, but knowing that they were nasty and threw a tantrum to get their way and not apologizing that led you to drop her, that caused the entire rift between two families and almost splitting a couple up is something else and while forgivable, it's hardly something to be proud of in a child as they should know better in being raised well).

So sit your partner down, and talk about a compromise. Then approach his parents and sister all of you together to sit down together and work out a solution by offering a compromise.

If he can drag himself to deal with this maturely and you jointly stand up to his controlling parents and put your foot down as and when needed, but knowing where you have to give in, then you should be fine.

Beruthiel

Upsetandconfussed wrote: »

He apologised and said that he really didn't mean it, and it flew out of his mouth. He said he was so worked up because his parents told him they will not be going to the wedding, either will his other two sisters and two brothers and that also his parents said they are going to call around to extended family to tell them not to go. Also, any of his extended family members I had asked to do readings etc, would not be doing them as they were going to call and tell them under no circumstances where they even attempt to help me out in anyway.

I would see red if my future in laws behaved like that towards me.
They care so little for their son that they would cause him such stress.
Instead of telling their stroppy little daughter to cop the hell on, they are causing major drama over such a small thing.
That they would threaten to disown their son over this has me gobsmacked.

You don't need this OP. If they behave in this manner over something so incidental, what would they do over something a lot more serious?

Were they to treat me like that, I would do the following:

Drop his sister a text and tell her the dress is there and she is to inform you by X date if she is still interested, otherwise you'll take it that she isn't and you'll find someone to replace her.

Get people you trust to do the readings so that you don't have to worry about anyone refusing on the day.

Carry on with your wedding plans and just leaving them to it.

People who cause drama like this just hate to be ignored and you'll have taken the wind out of their sails if you do the above.

Course, if you can get your deposits back, plan B would be to head off and elope.
Nothing like a small, stress free, relaxed wedding.
You don't need your special day to be ruined.

Susie_Q

I say call their bluff. Next time they throw a strop and say "We're not coming to the wedding" then say "Oh that's a shame, but thanks for letting me know". Tenner says they'll come to the wedding anyway.

Don't pander to their bull****, it's not worth the stress. Imagine how stress-free and relaxed your wedding day would be if they actually didn't show up?

paperclip2

My mother in law threatened not to go to our wedding over something small, I can't even remember what it was now. She had form as she and her extended family had already boycotted her other sons wedding because she didn't like the bride.

I didn't get into it with her and neither did my husband. We simply said that it was a shame and she'd be missed. We didn't mention the wedding again, didn't beg her to change her mind, didn't discuss it at all with her despite her trying to bring it up repeatedly. We basically didn't play the game or give her any attention about it. In the end she came and had a great time. :rolleyes:

If I was in your shoes OP I wouldn't get into it with his family anymore. Let it be known that you accept their decision and that you're moving on. If they want to behave like children let them. Yes it will be tough on your fiance but if he doesn't draw a line in the sand with them you are both in for a tough married life.

Best of luck with it.

curlzy

Sorry to say it but O. . .M .. . f*cking . . .G :eek: Is this thread for real? I'm gonna kiss my future MIL and FIL when I see them, this thread really brings home how wonderful they are.

Seriously OP, I wouldn't marry into that family. I would seriously be calling off the wedding. I couldn't marry a man, as much as I might love him, if it meant being tied to sc*mbags like that. So they're gonna ring around the entire family and WARN them to have nothing to do with your wedding? Seriously OP, I really couldn't marry into that, life will be miserable. Do they even know that opening someone else's mail is illegal? Will they stab you if they don't like your children's names, will they frame you for robbery if you don't get them christened, will they set you on fire if you don't get them a christmas pressie they like? I just couldn't marry into that.

Unless . . . you both emigrate, far enough away that they can't reach you.

To be honest OP, I wouldn't ask him to choose between you or his family, I'd just walk away. Can you imagine how your life will be if you're legally related to them, you do realise that your kids will have them as family right?

Honestly OP, I'd get outta that and save your half of the 30k and relocate. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that. Not trying to be flippant with your future but there's just no way in hell I could marry into a family like that, I'd take the broken heart and move on, hopefully to saner pastures.

The very best of luck.

tinkerbell

First of all, I'd be re-evaluating your relationship here. Your fiance clearly has no respect for you by saying he doesn't think he can go through with the wedding just because his family are acting like crazy people. I would be worried about future issues this behaviour would bring, ie children (if they don't agree with your parenting methods), etc. His number one priority should be YOU now, not them. It's you he's pledging of his own free will to spend the rest of his life with you.

I would tell your in-laws to take a running jump tbh with their carry on. They are trying to totally sabotage your wedding. That rotten scumbag behaviour of saying they are gonna ring around and tell people not to read at the wedding etc is dispicable. If I were you, I'd actually be telling them they are uninvited because of this.

Good luck OP but I think this issue has raised far serious issues. It's not his family I'd be worried about, it's your fiance and his lack of back-bone.

ManOfMystery

I really can't believe the brass neck on these people.

Choosing not to attend your wedding is entirely their choice, but to tell other family not to go as well? I wouldn't just be uninviting them totally, I'd be having a few choice words with them to tell them exactly what I think of their twisted and scummy behaviour.

dellas1979

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I wouldn't just be uninviting them totally, I'd be having a few choice words with them to tell them exactly what I think of their twisted and scummy behaviour.

I dunno, but I really dont think a war of words would do anything at this stage, only make the situation worse!

It is without doubt very extreme reaction from the parents, especially the parents. Families around the times of weddings can go completely bonkers-like a power struggle. Who is important, who isnt important, who should be there, who shouldnt be there. Who wont turn up because such and such fell out years ago. It is actually a mine field on such a special day. Like office politics, but wedding politics!

Is there anyway your partner can go nice and calmly and talk to them, at all? Is it just the dress thing, which was an honest fall out - can be fixed, or is it they dont want him marrying you?

Bricriu

If you marry this man you are marrying into a dysfunctional, controlling system; the chances of this family changing to healthy behaviour is very low. They will be interfering in your marriage forever and will cause great distress and unhapinness. They won't leave you be because they will see you as being one of them, as you married into their family/system.

Your husband will be caught in the middle. He appears to be doing his best to stand up to them, but it is nearly impossible when the whole family system locks down against you. The disloyalty and guilt one feels in such a position are huge.

I know it's hard and heartbreaking, but don't do it. Getting married is a huge commitment. I married into a controlling family and it was a nightmare; the ex-mother-in-law was an effin passive-agressive tyrant who ruled the roost; everyone was afraid of offending her in any way, and nobody stood up to her.

I managed to escape, thank God.

John Mason

OP, i would be doing 2 things:-

1. Say, oh that's a shame we were looking to having you there to celebrate our day but i understand and walk away. never mention the wedding anywhere around them;

2. cancel the wedding, run off and get married on a beach.

Sala

This is crazy behaviour! To the OP, picking a dress without the bridemaid might be a minor issue, and if she is very unhappy with said dress I see them need for a compromise, but everything that has come after is crazy! I know it's easy looking in from the outside, but I cannot imagine anyone I know refusing to go to their childs wedding over a spat about a dress. Unless the dress makes her look awful she should deal with it, or you can compromise, but it is an issue between you two that should have only merited a conversation and a trip to get it altered. The inlaws should never have got involved at all, to theaten not to come - I would love to tell them to F off, but obviously you have your OH to worry about. I would be most concerned that he is siding with them and can't marry you because of it???? He needs to tell them its not aboutthem. Tobe honest, if you cave to their demands now you are setting a pattern for life so I wouldn't engage in their nonsense