Angry reaction to boyfriend

LegacyUser

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've had our arguments here and there but nothing out of the ordinary. The problems began when recently I noticed he was talking on the phone to a girl we both know. I checked through his phone when he wasn't looking and I noticed that they had exchanged quite a few text messages. There was nothing in the texts other than friendly stuff, but still. I said nothing at the time but as things went on, and I continued to look through his messages, I saw that they had organised to meet for coffee in Starbucks.

When the day came around for their "date" I went into town too without telling him I'd be in there. I texted him at the time when I knew he'd be in having coffee with her and asked him where he was and I said I wanted to meet him. He said he was busy and that he would see me later. I went into Starbucks and I saw the two of them sitting there. Well I got really angry and I just walked over and hit him. I ended up smashing his new iPhone I knocked over his coffee all over his jeans. I just told him it's over, hit him in the face again and then I stormed out of there and he didn't follow me.

I know I shouldn't have acted angrily like this, but I was in a difficult situation. The problem is that now I feel as if he is going to use my bad reaction against me to cancel out the fact that he was going out with another girl. I don't want the relationship to end, but I am so angry that he went behind my back and that I know he's going to use my angry reaction against me.

What should I do?

MissFlitworth

Ehhhh..... you hit him, smashed his iphone, spilled coffee on him & then belted him again? Because he had coffee with a girl you both know? You should probably apologise to him (assuming he wants to talk to you) and let him decide where he wants to take things from there. If you were a guy and you did that to a girl you'd be sitting in a garda station now.

It does sound sketchy that he was meeting a girl and didn't mention it to you when you asked where he was but considering your frightening over reaction maybe he was afraid to. Even if he was meeting her romantically what you did was completely ott & he's entitled to hold it against you

hondasam

Checking his phone, hitting him, spilling coffee on him, braking his phone, following him. These are all signs of irrational, controlling and bullying behaviour.
You obviously don't trust him, you should have asked him about this girl instead of following him.

_dublinlad_

Jesus, you smashed his new iphone, scoulded him with his own coffee, smacked him twice, and all of this in front of a mutual friend and the onlookers in starbucks?

As dodgey as the situation seemed, you had zero evidence of any real goings on. The texts where clean and he was meeting her in starbucks - not a hotel!

Anyway - whats done is done. Most guys would dump you when they saw you next, and maybe call the guards and report an assault.

I dont think there is anything you can do here. The ball is completly in his court now. Apologising will not get you anywhere. Plus if it does turn out he is having an affair its over anyway..

fatmammycat

You invaded his privacy, stalked him, attacked him, destroyed his property and assaulted him a second time. Pfft, you weren't the one in a difficult position and if I was your boyfriend I would press charges against you. Leave this man alone and work on your anger issues.

ABajaninCork

I agree. After what you did, I can't see any way back now...

Replace the guy's phone, pay the dry cleaning bill. and call it quits. Move on. Do you really want to spend your life checking up on a guy you clearly don't trust?

Thank your lucky stars he didn't call the Gards.

gud4u

At least you know it was an over reaction and I second the above, if you were a guy, it'd be assault. It's still assualt though and damage to his property.

Anyway, that aside. Even if he forgives you, can you trust him again, he lied to you, met someone and told you he was busy while you knew he was with her.

Have you reacted like this before and that's why he kept his meeting/date secret, but tbh, he really shouldn't be out having coffee with another girl without you knowing, if it's a mutual friend, you've probably lost her respect too. Why couldn't you both meet her, maybe he was planning a surprise for you and wanted her input!!!

However, you must have trust issues if you were going through his phone anyway, so what's the story, has he done this in the past too.

It's talk time for both of you,not that I think there is anything to resolve, he's probably mortified. There are trust issues on both your sides, if you can't work it out, then maybe it's time to go your separate ways.

I think you need to address flying off the handle like that too, you can't just go around smashing stuff and even though the coffee was an accident you could have seriuosly hurt him.

Such behaviour will only serve to drive your boyfriend away quicker, I hope you can work it out, but you have both messed up here and hurt each other.

fatmammycat

gud4u wrote: »

At least you know it was an over reaction and I second the above, if you were a guy, it'd be assault.

Anyway, that aside. Even if he forgives you, can you trust him again, he lied to you, met someone and told you he was busy while you knew he was with her.

Have you reacted like this before and that's why he kept his meeting/date secret, but tbh, he really shouldn't be out having coffee with another girl without you knowing.

However, you must have trust issues if you were going through his phone anyway, so what's the story, has he done this in the past too.

It's talk time for both of you, there are trust issues on both your sides, if you can't work it out, then maybe it's time to go your separate ways.

I think you need to address flying off the handle like that too, you can't just go around smashing stuff and even though the coffee was an accident you could have seriuosly hurt him.

Such behaviour will only serve to drive your boyfriend away quicker, I hope you can work it out, but you have both messed up here and hurt each other.

No, not if she were a guy it would be assault, it WAS assault. He was having coffee with a friend. She viciously attacked him in public.

gud4u

fatmammycat wrote: »

No, not if she were a guy it would be assault, it WAS assault. He was having coffee with a friend. She viciously attacked him in public.

I agree....I meant if it was her, she'd probably be straight to the guards and supported to do so. Men don't always get the same support in such cases.

_dublinlad_

Come to think of it .. I would strongly consider going to see a councellor before you think about entering into another relationship.

gud4u

Op,

Everything aside, your question is..what should I do?

I don't think you can do anything and your BF is going to hold this against you, until, if he can, forgive and trust you. But flying off the handle verbally is one thing, hitting a person is over the line imo.

He shouldn't have went behind your back, but unfortunately, what you did was far worse and kind of does cancel out him having coffee with someone, in a public place at midday.

Have you tried to apologise yet, if not, do and just give him his space.

Trust and anger management on your part would help, for now and future relationships.

AhInFairness

If your ex-boyfriend has any sense he will report you for assault.
If he doesn't you should consider yourself extremely lucky and make steps to address your anger issues.

Your behaviour was outrageous and the fact that you are female does not mean you should just get away with it.

Leave him alone and sort yourself out.

rainbowtrout

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've had our arguments here and there but nothing out of the ordinary. The problems began when recently I noticed he was talking on the phone to a girl we both know. I checked through his phone when he wasn't looking and I noticed that they had exchanged quite a few text messages. There was nothing in the texts other than friendly stuff, but still. I said nothing at the time but as things went on, and I continued to look through his messages, I saw that they had organised to meet for coffee in Starbucks.

When the day came around for their "date" I went into town too without telling him I'd be in there. I texted him at the time when I knew he'd be in having coffee with her and asked him where he was and I said I wanted to meet him. He said he was busy and that he would see me later. I went into Starbucks and I saw the two of them sitting there. Well I got really angry and I just walked over and hit him. I ended up smashing his new iPhone I knocked over his coffee all over his jeans. I just told him it's over, hit him in the face again and then I stormed out of there and he didn't follow me.

I know I shouldn't have acted angrily like this, but I was in a difficult situation. The problem is that now I feel as if he is going to use my bad reaction against me to cancel out the fact that he was going out with another girl. I don't want the relationship to end, but I am so angry that he went behind my back and that I know he's going to use my angry reaction against me.

What should I do?

My god, it's all about you, and nothing about what you did to your boyfriend. You hit him twice, broke his phone and knocked coffee all over him in public and you wonder why he didn't follow you? You're lucky he hasn't pressed charges. If I was him I'd be running for the hills.

You have no evidence that he was cheating on you, you read his texts yourself and saw nothing untoward in them. You heard him speak on the phone to this girl so he must not have had anything to hide. You had the opportunity to ask him why he was in contact with this girl, but chose to orchestrate finding them in Starbucks. Maybe it was a date, maybe it wasn't, but your behaviour is disgraceful.

What should you do? You should start by making an apology to this guy and replacing his phone. Don't be too surprised if he doesn't want to see you again.

IrishEyes19

OP, he has every right to react angrilly, what you did was appalling. Have you no male friends who you would meet for coffee. You havent given much detail but to assault him, and it is assault when you throw something over him. Your reaction was uncalled for. You need to apolgise but I wouldnt blame him for not wanting to speak to you. I wish you luck.

The Lovely Muffin

Wow, just wow. I thought I was reading a script from soap opera when I was reading the opening post. :eek:

Your behaviour in the Starbucks was outrageous. You should be absolutely ashamed of yourself. You had no right whatsoever to treat your boyfriend the way you did. There is no to justify your behaviour.

You read your boyfriends texts and saw and said yourself there was nothing untoward about them, they were friendly texts.

Your boyfriend shouldn't have met the girl behind your back, maybe they were on a date, maybe they weren't, either way, date or not, you shouldn't have treated your boyfriend like that. And in public too.

You should replace his phone, replace his coffee stained clothes (or at least pay for the dry cleaning bill) and apologise, but it wouldn't be surprising if he told you where to go and wants nothing more to do with you.

You assaulted him, whether you accept it or not, it was assault, and that is never acceptable. And just because you are female does not mean you should get away with it.

Give him the space he needs and if he wants to contact you he will.

Were you living together OP? If you were, you'll need to meet up to move your stuff from the house/apartment.

Good luck OP, you'll need it.

krudler

aside from the cost of a new iphone (which you should be offering to pay for btw) looks like a lucky escape for him. now you'll always be that ex who hit him in public. if there was nothing but friendly chat in the texts and he didnt lie to you abou being busy, which he was, then its your own overreaction thats the problem not him having a coffee with a mutual friend

IrishEyes19

I dont get it. Why couldnt he have met her behind her back. Its a mutual friend according to the OP, they met for coffee. If anything I bet he anticipated the reaction, that cant just be a once off and worried about what she would think.

Loads of people have friends of the opposite sex who they are close friends with. I dont believe in this concept that my OH has to know of my whereabouts every time I meet a friend be they male or female for coffee or a catch up. Trust is paramount in a relationship. I wouldnt cheat on my OH and I expect the same. But I wouldnt be demanding who and where they were meeting up with friends either. Talk about control. Riddiculous behaviour imo.

OP, you need to apologise if you get the chance.

LegacyUser

The reason I acted the way I did is because I care about him. I wasn't lashing out at him exactly, I was lashing out at her, but I think I hit him because he should know better, or he should have known that I care about him and that I would be upset if I thought he was going to be unfaithful.

This is going to sound hypocritical but yes, I do have male friends that I like to hang out with alone, but there is a big difference in my opinion. First of all I tell him when I'm doing it and if he contacts me while I'm with them I always tell him that I'm with a male friend. Secondly, I don't mean to be sexist here, I think women are more able to control themselves sexually than men, and can be trusted a bit more in a relationship. I'm not saying all men cheat, I'm saying they are probably more likely to, so they should have an eye kept on them by their gf if she's smart.

My reaction was not right, I know, but already I can see from your responses that I am going to look like the villain, even though I was the one being honest all along. I am scared to even call him at the moment because I know he's not going to treat me well after this. I'm scared to make contact.

Oh, and those of you saying it's assault and the police should be involved, stop. It's a relationship matter, you don't involve the police in something as personal as this. I know he never would.

Should I contact him or should I let him get back to me? Which is the stronger position?

hondasam

gud4u wrote: »

Anyway, that aside. Even if he forgives you, can you trust him again, he lied to you, met someone and told you he was busy while you knew he was with her.

Can she trust him? Can he trust her not to assault him again?

he really shouldn't be out having coffee with another girl without you knowing,

Why not? It's ok to have other friends.

However, you must have trust issues if you were going through his phone anyway, so what's the story, has he done this in the past too.

I'd say she has bigger issues than trust issues going on.

FouxDaFaFa

I think you should feel extremely lucky that he hasn't gone to the guards. I would have.

Consider looking into some kind of counselling. You obviously have issues handling your anger and it could get you into trouble in the future. You can't behave like that in society.

Pay for a new phone and the dry-cleaning of his clothes. Other than that, leave him alone.

calex71

:eek: the boyfriend meeting a mutual female friend aside and whether there was anything going on or not aside, if that was me I'd have 999 called if my iphone wasn't smashed to bits.

Very hard to see you as the victim here OP sorry, oyu over reacted to the extreme. Laying hands one someone male or female is never excusable :mad:

I'm sorry, OP, but in no way do you come off as the injured party here.

You went through his phone, thus invading his privacy - on multiple occasions, you then stalked him before you punched him and broke his phone. If it were me, I would seriously consider pressing charges against you for assault and damage of personal property.

Hell, you went through his messages and saw there was nothing suspicious, that they were just friends. Is a boyfriend not allowed female friends? Is a girlfriend not allowed male friends? Do you not meet male friends for coffee without saying anything to your boyfriend?

Honestly, he should call it quits with you after that. Not only for the above reasons, but you embarrassed him greatly not only in front of his friend (your friend too), but also in public.

As someone suggested already, you should really go to counselling to see where this almost-paranoia and angry/aggressive streak comes from.

Wompa1

He met with a friend, you asked to meet him. He told you he was busy, which he was. Then you attacked him....if he was meeting a male friend would you have reacted the same way? You have serious trust issues and should see somebody before you get youself into serious trouble, if you haven't already!

blatantrereg

You should not be in a relationship with anyone unless and until you learn not to be violent and intrusive.

You are 100% in the wrong here. Your biggest concern being that your actions could be used against you to cancel out something that could have been innocent - that is messed up.

I have always been honest and forthright with partners. Except with one girl who would overreact violently to innocuous things. Nobody is going to be honest with you if they are scared of violent overreaction.

Like lots of people have said: Pay for his stuff, say sorry, accept that it's over: Even if he doesn't want it to be over. You need to sort yourself out yourself. If he wants to stay with you after that then he needs to work on himself too tbh.

NoobSaibot5

I'm just going to be frank with this one and as blunt and honest as I can be...

Without meaning to sound sexist, this is exactly the kind of "victim card" a lot of women out there play for over-reacting about the slightest of occurrences. Trying to turn the situation around to paint the guy out to be in the wrong simply to justify their own explosive, over-reactive and abusive behaviour. Unfortunately I know of girls who have assaulted their boyfriends for having any sort of contact with female friends without their "permission" and it's disgusting how women like you can try rationalize this sort of behaviour. The double standards is appauling.

You should be disgusted with yourself for that carry on. Had a man done that in public rest assured security would have tackled him to the ground, kicked the crap out of him, and he'd be rotting away in a jail cell for public assault. He'd be bastardised as a woman beater and all of his friends and family would know of it. Hell, it'd probably even end up in the paper if it was done in public. What makes you think as a woman you have the right to attack a man in public for meeting a friend for coffee?? Had the shoe been on the other foot do you think he'd amass even the slightest amount of sympathy for that sort of carry on??

Frankly he's better off without you if that's the mentality you have. I know for a fact I'd demand full compensation for the phone, dry cleaning, and I'd also press charges for the assault. If I was in that man's shoes I'd tell everyone who knew of you exactly what you done, likewise if I was the friend who you mortified in public as well. I'd be furious, and I'd have every right to be too if I was him. And if I were you, I'd be too mortified to even attempt to muster up an apology to both himself and your mutual friend.

Sorry, but you get no sympathy from me with that kind of carry on. If I were you, I'd bury my head in the sand, steer clear of all mutual friends and I'd book myself a session with a psychiatrist. You're forever going to be known as the psycho who checked through his phone without permission, followed him, and assaulted him in a cafe from now on to those who know you both, and god knows how long that's going to stick with you. Sort your head out before even attempting to go near another man.

LegacyUser

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

I have been going out with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've had our arguments here and there but nothing out of the ordinary.

How do these arguments generally turn out? A screaming match? Throwing things at each other?

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

The problems began when recently I noticed he was talking on the phone to a girl we both know. I checked through his phone when he wasn't looking and I noticed that they had exchanged quite a few text messages. There was nothing in the texts other than friendly stuff, but still. I said nothing at the time but as things went on, and I continued to look through his messages, I saw that they had organised to meet for coffee in Starbucks.

What gives anyone the God given right to go through someone's personal items? You've admitted the texts were only friendly in nature and what do you mean but still? He is not allowed to text or chat with people of the opposite sex? The texts were friendly, you admitted so, end of discussion. What also gets me is not only you snooped once and realised the texts were innocent, you did it again. Why did you have to continue? Sounds to me you have trust and control issues. Not only you have trust issues with your BF (not a very good foundation for a relationship) you have problems respecting privacy, possessions and others (this friend).

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

When the day came around for their "date" I went into town too without telling him I'd be in there. I texted him at the time when I knew he'd be in having coffee with her and asked him where he was and I said I wanted to meet him. He said he was busy and that he would see me later. I went into Starbucks and I saw the two of them sitting there. Well I got really angry and I just walked over and hit him. I ended up smashing his new iPhone I knocked over his coffee all over his jeans. I just told him it's over, hit him in the face again and then I stormed out of there and he didn't follow me.

How are you so certain it was a date? First your appalling nosey behaviour looking through his phone twice then you decided on something equally dreadful known as stalking. They are friends and you know her too so what was your issue? When you telephoned asking what he was doing he admitted he was busy. Wasn't he because I would think having a coffee and chat meant someone is occupied? They were at Starbucks for goodness sakes not some hotel.

You then decided to confront him aggressively, damaged his personal property, assaulted him and then stormed out. You actually expected he would follow you? He was probably recovering from shock and the burns from that spilt coffee on his jeans; not run after you begging for forgiveness. Talk about delusional.

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

I know I shouldn't have acted angrily like this, but I was in a difficult situation. The problem is that now I feel as if he is going to use my bad reaction against me to cancel out the fact that he was going out with another girl. I don't want the relationship to end, but I am so angry that he went behind my back and that I know he's going to use my angry reaction against me.

I was ready to applaud you when you admitted you shouldn't have done that until I read after the comma. Are you serious? Difficult situation? I think you are the difficult situation because there is no excuse for acting in such a reprehensible manner. Even let's just say he was cheating and I am using this term evasively, your actions does not make it anymore justifiable. There is absolutely no validation for your behaviour AT ALL. Anyone with the right frame of mind and healthy self-esteem would leave anyone that behaves in such a despicable manner at once. If the tables were turned and your BF snooped through your phone, stalked you to Starbucks and publicly humiliated and assaulted you, would you find this behaviour acceptable? Would you stay in a relationship like that? Anyone who answers yes, has a distorted view as what represents a healthy relationship based on trust and respect. If you had any self-esteem OP, you wouldn't be snooping around, stalking and assaulting someone because you wouldn't have the insecurity, trust and control issues.

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

What should I do?

For starters, purchase a new iPhone, replace his jeans, I don't think dry cleaning them would do any good. He probably never wants to wear them again as they will be a constant reminder of that event. As far as apologising, I am not sure if he ever wants to see you again and I do not blame him really.

You have some deep rooted issues that need to be addressed ASAP. Have you always acted this impulsively and irrationally like this? It doesn't matter if this is the first time you acted in such a manner, the irreparable damage is done. Cut your losses and realise that your behaviour suggests you are not ready for another relationship until you go to therapy and resolve them. Get help because you are a risk to yourself and others. You need anger management and work on your issues or you will be forever lonely because no one wants to be in a relationship with someone like that. You unquestionably overreacted and you are very lucky he has not pressed any charges (yet).

petethebrick

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

Should I contact him or should I let him get back to me? Which is the stronger position?

You should never contact him again except to compensate him for the damage to his property. And you should go to see a psychiatrist, you obviously have some serious issues

petethebrick

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

Oh, and those of you saying it's assault and the police should be involved, stop. It's a relationship matter, you don't involve the police in something as personal as this. I know he never would.

?

Oh exactly:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: Like all those silly battered wives who report abusive husbands - don't they know that the abuse is a personal relationship matter! :rolleyes:

rainbowtrout

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

The reason I acted the way I did is because I care about him. I wasn't lashing out at him exactly, I was lashing out at her, but I think I hit him because he should know better, or he should have known that I care about him and that I would be upset if I thought he was going to be unfaithful.

Oh really, so if he came home to you and battered you because of something you did would you accept 'you should know better' from him as an excuse? Please, if it was the other way around, you'd be out of that relationship so fast, he wouldn't see you for dust. Assaulting him in public for an offence that is mainly in your head is worrying at best. You have no evidence that he cheated on you. You chose to confront him in Starbucks. You didn't just happen across him in there by accident, you knew he was going to be there, you could have spoken to him about meeting this girl before he went if it concerned you that much.

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

This is going to sound hypocritical but yes, I do have male friends that I like to hang out with alone, but there is a big difference in my opinion. First of all I tell him when I'm doing it and if he contacts me while I'm with them I always tell him that I'm with a male friend. Secondly, I don't mean to be sexist here, I think women are more able to control themselves sexually than men, and can be trusted a bit more in a relationship. I'm not saying all men cheat, I'm saying they are probably more likely to, so they should have an eye kept on them by their gf if she's smart.

There is no difference. Some women cheat and some men cheat. And plenty manage to stay faithful. You have some screwed up view of men if this is your justification for assaulting your boyfriend.

The bit I've highlighted, most people don't need to do this if they trust their other half, regardless of whether they are male or female. You have serious trust issues if you think like this.

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

My reaction was not right, I know, but already I can see from your responses that I am going to look like the villain, even though I was the one being honest all along. I am scared to even call him at the moment because I know he's not going to treat me well after this. I'm scared to make contact.

It's still all about you. There has been no mention yet from you about apologising to your boyfriend or replacing his belongings. He wasn't dishonest from the evidence you have. He was meeting a friend. You've chosen to see it a different way. Why would he treat you well after this? You assaulted him. Why would he want anything to do with you?

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

Oh, and those of you saying it's assault and the police should be involved, stop. It's a relationship matter, you don't involve the police in something as personal as this. I know he never would.

Should I contact him or should I let him get back to me? Which is the stronger position?

I love the way you can just brush off an assault like that. Make no mistake, it was assault. If it was the other way around, you would be on here saying he was violent and physically abusive. It works both ways. You were physically abusive to him. It's not a relationship matter when you assault him in public. You have a seriously twisted view of relationships if you think violence is acceptable because you got angry.

Stop playing the victim, because you're not one. The only victim here is your boyfriend.

Ickle Magoo

Folks, I appreciate this is an emotive topic but this is an advice forum with the OP in mind - could posters stick to offering the OP advice on the issue they have posted about. OP, you might do well to listen to the advice on offer rather than try to justify your actions, which will only result in the thread being locked.

Could I also remind posters to use the report function with any post or poster they have an issue with or think needs brought to moderator attention rather than dragging the thread off-topic by commenting in-thread.

NoobSaibot5, welcome to PI. Can I ask that you please acquaint yourself with the forum charter with regards to making inflammatory generalisations and from here in you stick to constructive and on-topic advice for the OP.

Many thanks


As per site policy, any issue with moderator instruction should be taken up via PM.

hondasam

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

The reason I acted the way I did is because I care about him. I wasn't lashing out at him exactly, I was lashing out at her, but I think I hit him because he should know better, or he should have known that I care about him and that I would be upset if I thought he was going to be unfaithful.

So not it's her fault for meeting him, ''you had to lash out'' this is the problem.

This is going to sound hypocritical but yes, I do have male friends that I like to hang out with alone, but there is a big difference in my opinion. First of all I tell him when I'm doing it and if he contacts me while I'm with them I always tell him that I'm with a male friend. Secondly, I don't mean to be sexist here, I think women are more able to control themselves sexually than men, and can be trusted a bit more in a relationship. I'm not saying all men cheat, I'm saying they are probably more likely to, so they should have an eye kept on them by their gf if she's smart.

I'm sure you believe this but it's not necessarily true.

Oh, and those of you saying it's assault and the police should be involved, stop. It's a relationship matter, you don't involve the police in something as personal as this. I know he never would.

You do know what domestic abuse is right? men do not report it as much as women do for obvious reasons.

Should I contact him or should I let him get back to me? Which is the stronger position?

No I don't think you should except to say sorry and wait for him to contact you. We are all hard on you here but tbh it's hard not to after reading your op. I'm sure you are sorry but you need to take a good look at yourself after this.

ElleEm

Wow, OP. Just wow!

I think you should contact him to apologise for your behaviour. He deserves an apology after being ATTACKED while drinking coffee with a friend. If you smacked the head off him, broke his phone and spilled coffee on him for drinking coffee with a friend, I would hate to see what you would have done to him if you actually caught him doing anything suspicious with a girl.

I think the relationship is over. You need to sort out your trust and anger issues before you enter into another relationship. Your boyfriend would be mad to get back with you after you made a show of him and yourself. I would certainly NEVER stay with my partner if he hit me. If the roles were reversed, and your boyfriend got annoyed with you, and smacked you, would you stay with him?? Your view of this not needing Garda involvement because it was a "personal, relationship issue" is so worrying. You assaulted someone. You should be ashamed of yourself.

You say you are scared to contact him and that you "know" he will not treat you well after this. So why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you could say this about? Has there been violence before?

seamus

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

The reason I acted the way I did is because I care about him. I wasn't lashing out at him exactly, I was lashing out at her, but I think I hit him because he should know better, or he should have known that I care about him and that I would be upset if I thought he was going to be unfaithful.

He wasn't being unfaithful. He's allowed to meet his friends for coffee, male or female. For all you know, maybe they were planning a birthday party for you, maybe he was consulting with her about proposing to you (men will often consult female friends for advice on this). Despite having no evidence that anything untoward was going on, you immediately assumed that he was being unfaithful.

That's your problem, not his. He does not have to pander to your insecurity and if you throw a wobbler every time he dares talk to another woman, then realistically he's right to keep it from you rather than have to justify himself to you.

You lashed out because of your own insecurity. There are no other reasons. Anything else you come up with, "I only care about him", is just you trying to justify it to yourself. You were wrong. 100%. There is no excuse for what you did.

I don't mean to be sexist here, I think women are more able to control themselves sexually than men, and can be trusted a bit more in a relationship. I'm not saying all men cheat, I'm saying they are probably more likely to

For a start, you're just plain wrong. And basically, if you think that you need to "keep an eye" on your partner, then you don't trust them. And without trust, you don't really have a relationship.
If you feel you need to keep your man on a leash, then either lose the man because he can't be trusted, or go get help for your insecurity problem.

I am going to look like the villain, even though I was the one being honest all along

How were you being honest? You looked at his phone without any good reason and then began stalking him. That's not honesty. Honesty would have been, "Oh, I was looking through your phone and I see you're meeting X tomorrow. Why?".

Should I contact him or should I let him get back to me? Which is the stronger position?

Why do you care about "stronger" positions? This isn't a game. You have fncked up royally and he is the one holding all of the cards. He would be well within his rights to never speak to you again.

The only phone call you should be making to him is an apology and an offer to replace the damage you've caused. You are 100% in the wrong here. You have no leverage, no moral high ground, no blame that you can place on him. All you can do is apologise and let him take it from there.

LegacyUser

GirlWorriedAngry wrote: »

The reason I acted the way I did is because I care about him. I wasn't lashing out at him exactly, I was lashing out at her, but I think I hit him because he should know better, or he should have known that I care about him and that I would be upset if I thought he was going to be unfaithful.

This is going to sound hypocritical but yes, I do have male friends that I like to hang out with alone, but there is a big difference in my opinion. First of all I tell him when I'm doing it and if he contacts me while I'm with them I always tell him that I'm with a male friend. Secondly, I don't mean to be sexist here, I think women are more able to control themselves sexually than men, and can be trusted a bit more in a relationship. I'm not saying all men cheat, I'm saying they are probably more likely to, so they should have an eye kept on them by their gf if she's smart.

My reaction was not right, I know, but already I can see from your responses that I am going to look like the villain, even though I was the one being honest all along. I am scared to even call him at the moment because I know he's not going to treat me well after this. I'm scared to make contact.

Oh, and those of you saying it's assault and the police should be involved, stop. It's a relationship matter, you don't involve the police in something as personal as this. I know he never would.

Should I contact him or should I let him get back to me? Which is the stronger position?

I know this post is pointless and you're going to dismiss and ignore everything I say, but anyway. You need to leave this relationship, and you need professional help. The fact that you reacted as you did is bad enough, but this attempt to completely twist the situation to blame your boyfriend for your own anger, paranoia and violence is far worse. What you did was assault and criminal damage. It would be assault and criminal damage regardless of whether the victim was a stranger, your boyfriend, his friend, or anyone else. Domestic violence isn't a "relationship matter", it's just violence. Leave this man alone and go talk to your GP about seeing someone to help deal with your issues. Being in a relationship right now is only going to lead to you doing more harm both to yourself and others.

Big Bag of Chips

There's no point repeating what everyone else has said. I will just say, you were wrong. There were so many other ways you could have handled this and this was the path you took. You even planned it. So it wasn't spur of the moment.

You were wrong. And the consequence of that now is that you don't get to decide the future of your relationship. It's now his decision.

You can't manipulate this situation anymore. Talk of how to attain the "stronger" position is actually a bit eerie. It doesn't give me a nice feeling.

If I were you, I'd accept the relationship is over. That you made an absolute show of yourself, and that ALL your friends are now talking about you.

You're right in that your bf won't go to the guards about the assault. He would probably be too embarrassed. He may not even talk to his friends about it. Are you ok with making your bf feel that humiliated? Do you think that adds to the "control" you spoke of that girls need to have over their bfs "who can't control themselves"?

Why stay in a relationship with someone you don't trust and someone you think you have to watch and babysit all the time? That is just exhausting.

Your post is not about your remorse, or how to fix what you've done... it's about how to get away with it, and come out of this looking good.

That's not going to happen. And that's why nobody has given you that answer.

Sleepy

seamus posted exactly what I was going to: for all you know your mutual friend was helping him pick out an engagement ring. If so, I think he can thank his lucky stars you showed your true colours before he got any further involved.

Your behaviour is utterly, completely inexcusable and tbh, if he takes you back afterwards, he'll never trust you again. Best for all concerned to go your separate ways after you compensate him for the damage to his property and apologise for assaulting him.

You need help OP. This wouldn't even be excusable behaviour even if he was ****ing her there on the table in Starbucks, nevermind just having a coffee with her. Please work through your issues with a qualified psychiatrist before getting involved with anyone else, you're not stable enough to be in any kind of relationship.

Dravokivich

It's one thing to make note of the attitude she held against her boyfriend, but what of that of their mutual friend as well?

These are 2 people you should have been able to trust OP. When he told you he was "busy" it just meant he was already doing something else. You have a tarnished mindset towards both of them for no reason other than "He's a guy and more likely to cheat when approached" and "She's well, a woman, guys do women when they are approached..."

You mentioned you have friends that are male and seem to go out of your way to let you boyfriend know when you are out with them. Would you expect their girlfriend to treat them the same way you treated him when you are out? How do you think you'd feel, being considered as someone who was trying to mislead a guy because they are so easy to approach and snatch away? You've less to worry about him and more to worry about her IMO.

blatantrereg

I think I understand what your problem is here.

He might have not told you because he was scared of a negative reaction - his behavior might have been completely innocent. I'm pretty certain you are genuinely unable to relate to that idea. Therefore in your mind, him not telling you equates to calculated betrayal on his part.

People are wired differently though. You yourself express no guilt, shame or fear of punishment. You only express an interest in how to improve your position, and a concern that your actions might have jeopardised it. I'm guessing you dont usually feel fear, guilt or shame. Possibly you relate to them as intellectual concepts, rather than emotional ones.

I think it would be beneficial to realise that this is not a typical mentality. It would be useful to understand that these sorts of factors are major emotional influences on how most people think and make decisions. You might be able to relate to people better and understand them better if you realise this.

ManOfMystery

For my gf's birthday about 2yrs ago, I arranged a secret party. This meant a few texts to mutual friends, and naturally the texts sometimes turned into longer conversations about anything and everything. I met one for lunch one day to discuss the party in more detail.

There was never any flirtation, or any question of anything untoward. They were friends, nothing more.

I can honestly say OP, if my gf had suddenly bust in to our lunch meeting, physically attacked me, destroyed a £400 phone .................. and I found out she'd worked herself into this frenzy because she'd secretly read my texts with absolutely nothing suggestive in them .............. I'd have labelled her a psycho and told her to get out of my life.

You need to get some professional help.

LegacyUser

Well he contacted me, and it was worse than I thought.

He said that his 1500 euro Nikon was in his bag at the time and that the lens was cracked. I honestly don't think I kicked his bag, so it looks to me like he's trying to twist things around to make them look worse and make my position even worse. I think I would remember kicking his bag, he's just adding to the problem by blaming his broken lens on me.

He also said that he has cuts near his eyes from my nails or bracelet which he said are going to scar. I know he's saying this to try and make me look like some sort of evil witch.

Basically exactly what I thought would happen is going on, he is making things look worse so he can put me in a position of weakness and then have his way from now on.

He said he would be willing to give me a chance to state my side of things and that he valued our relationship too much to let it end like this (if he really valued it would he be going off for coffee with other girls?). He said we should go to Milano's for a meal and that he would listen to what he has to say. To me this sounds like he is playing chess, putting me in exactly the right position so he can take control and do what he likes. In the end I agreed to go to dinner with him, but I am so worried that he's going to try to corner me. I do love him, I just don't want him to have that kind of power.

If you were me, would you go forward with this relationship, knowing that maybe he is really just trying to control me instead of having normal one to one adult honesty?

AhInFairness

Wow. I'm sorry OP but these posts are mind boggling.

I urge you to seek professional help.

Big Bag of Chips

Are you for real?

You're on here claiming he is manipulating a situation to have all the power, and have control instead of one to one adult honesty.....


Is that not what started all this? YOU wanting control and not having one to one adult honesty, secretly looking at his texts and following him? And trying to manipulate the situation now to your advantage....?

I'm out!

Ickle Magoo

OP, you haven't taken on board any of the points/advice already offered so there is little point leaving this thread open.

Could all posters please read the forum rules stickied at the top of the front page prior to posting in this forum.