Lazy

LegacyUser

Hi, I've got a problem - I'm lazy. Not in a couch potato way, but in a more important way.

For most of my adult life I've been without friends. There was a period where I did have friends and we went out every other weekend and had fun. We even went away for a few weekends and life was good. I was doing the things that I wanted to, seeing different places and enjoying myself.

The one stumbling block was relationships. I never met any girls. I was too shy to approach anyone. My friends every now and again would hook up/date someone. When we were out I was too scared so my natural reaction in this situation was to get drunk and then when we would all be re-counting the stories I had a ready made defence.

Anyhow, fast forward a number years. My friends are all now off an married with kids and guess what? Yip, I'm all alone with no one to socialise with.

I really struggled to get into this group of people. I've now pretty much quit trying to find a new group of friends. I don't know how to go about this. I'm so embarassed for myself. I feel like such a flop.

I've been to numerous counselling sessions to tease this out. I'm currently going to a night class at my local Further Learning College which goes through how to sort your life. Unfortunately, I find it nonsense, but I still go, hoping for a miracle nugget of wisdom to propel me back into social interactions.

With all my counselling I've seen quite a few techniques and as I received no success with these I can't find the motivation to try this again. The 'homework' was to take stock of your life - I couldn't do this. I realyl struggle to write down what are my natural gifts, skills & talents, like doing, passionate about, strengths, etc. I can't do this. I don't know why. I just can't do this.

I know I need to do something in order to get out there and meet people. However, I have very few interests. I rent a room in a house with unsocial people which doesn't help. I would move out, but I am looking to buy soon so I don't want to take on another contract - even if it is only for 6 months.

I go to the gym regularly, but I don't play team sports. I find at the gym people go to exercise (surprise!) and are not really open to friendships.

I don't know what to do. I know the textbook answer - throw yourself at activities and eventually something will click. However, in the city were I live, there is closed groups. The city people stick together and the country folks do likewise. There is noone really at work for me to socialise with - plus I want to keep my professional and private life separate.

Every evening I have the intention of doing something, but when the time rolls around I do nothing and pass it off until another day. It really frustrates me and at 34 I am sitting here with tears in my eyes are my procastination and fecklessness. I have wasted about a decade of my life due to this confusing inability to sort myself out.

I've been here numerous times before looking for help. The sad thing is that many of you will no doubt feel the need to respond to offer me help, advice and encouragement (and probably some harsh words too!). However, I'll ignore it all. That is just the way I am.

People I meet do not know about my predicament and it is not something that I want to share. Professionals and my doctors could not help, so I don't want to open up to anyone else as it will solve nothing - plus I've no-one who I can confide in that telling will make any differencee

I want to get my life back on track but I think this rut is too big to get out of. It is too late for me to start dating, experiment and eventually settle down. I know it is probably, not too late, but the longer this goes on, the harder it becomes.

What is wrong with me? Numerous councellors & doctors could not help me. NLP, CBT, and all sorts of treatment inbetween haven't helped.

Finally, yes, I know that there are many many people in worse situations than me. I've read this forum quite a bit before posting here, so I know that. However, this is my problem and it is very real to me. It affects my life greatly to the point of it being constantly on my mind and thoughts.

Rhys Essien

Three words....never give up.

One example,I know of a man,very quiet,kept to himself.He never had a girlfriend.Then one day he gets himself a girlfriend in his mid/late forties.He now looks as happy as a pig in sh1t.

Another example,a man people regarded as a lazy b,who never really had a full time job,went and got a good proper job at around 50 years old.He then got his first car and I have not seen the man and his wife stopped smiling since.

Final example,a friend of mine had very bad stutters and was very shy.He is now free of the stutters and is married with a wife and child.

Against the odds,things can change.

All the best.

ihsb

Billie Joe wrote: »

I've been here numerous times before looking for help. The sad thing is that many of you will no doubt feel the need to respond to offer me help, advice and encouragement (and probably some harsh words too!). However, I'll ignore it all. That is just the way I am.

If you are not going to follow some of the advice given here... why post again? If you are going to ignore it, why ask for help?

Sleepy

What city are you in?

Is there a boards.ie forum for the city?

Does that forum have regularly organised beers? They tend to be a great way to meet new people and anyone going along to them is clearly looking for new friends too!

rainbows7

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change"

gud4u

I think you're just stuck in a rut, you know this too.

It isn't easy make new friends, especiially when you're older and everyone is set in their clicks, even joining a group isn't garanteed friendship.

Can you still do anything with your old mates, just beacuse they have wives and kids doesn't mean they are social lepers, it may mean you have to socialise at times that suit them or do activites that fit in around their schedule.

But if you're just posting to moan and not change then you are just going around in circles, however I know how you feel.

Meeting someone and getting married is not the solution to it either, you have to do stuff to better yourself.

I'm married, stuck in a rut, barely see the couple of friends I have, but then again, I sometimes just don't make the effort. All my friends have kids so it's not easy mix with them. But I do keep in touch, even though it's a bigger effort on my part, as I have to travel to them, which is a 60mile round trip.

Sometimes that's just life, maybe it's a phase, but if you really want to get out there, then do.

If you're fit from the gym, change it up and run a few 10ks, just for the sake of changing it up, you never know where it might lead.

Do voluntary work, get a dog, do something, or just post here again in six months, stuck even further in this rut.

LegacyUser

Jesus man Im in the exact same situation as you! Im going crazy to try and figure out what to do with myself! Its a ****ed situation altogether and I know it hurts deep!

gud4u

It seems to me it's a comman problem for a lot of people, it may not help you of course, but at least you know you're not alone.

LegacyUser

If you are not going to follow some of the advice given here... why post again? If you are going to ignore it, why ask for help?

Fair question and one I was expecting. I am asking for help because deep down I hope that someday something on here will click with me or finally inspire me to make the changes necessary to improve my life.

What city are you in?
Is there a boards.ie forum for the city?
Does that forum have regularly organised beers?

Belfast.
Yes.
Not that I've seen - just checked.

Can you still do anything with your old mates, just beacuse they have wives and kids doesn't mean they are social lepers, it may mean you have to socialise at times that suit them or do activites that fit in around their schedule.

Both have babies so I can't ask them out socially yet as they are in the parenting zone presently! Other friends fromt he group have moved away. So there is no one for me to go out with. At weekends I sit in the house with my mum & dad - not cool @ 34.

But if you're just posting to moan and not change then you are just going around in circles

As per the above reply, this is not a moan. I'm not sure what it is - more likely a cry for help.

Jesus man Im in the exact same situation as you! Im going crazy to try and figure out what to do with myself! Its a ****ed situation altogether and I know it hurts deep!

I find it extremely embarassing. I just don't know how to help myself, but i do know what I need to do - if that makes any sense. I just feel so worthless and embarrassed for myself.

It seems to me it's a comman problem for a lot of people, it may not help you of course, but at least you know you're not alone.

Yes, but unfortunately this doesn't make this problem sit any easier with me.

wylo

Tbh man if I was in your spot id give serious consideration to emigrating. You're in an ideal situation, and its very easy make friends abroad cause everyone's in the same situation.

edit: I should probably clarify, when I talk of emigration, thats not going to solve the problems in your own head, but it will certainly get you out of the rut, out of the comfort zone and into a situation where there are lots of people your age that are completely open to making new friends.

You could also do what I did, and go on a philosophical path to sorting out your own internal crap. Your problems are your in head, your lack of happiness is in your head, sure, its resulted in more conventional problems like not having friends, procrastinating etc.

I put myself through a philosophical investigation, and while it didnt solve my conventional problems , I am in a very comfortable confident happy place while I try and sift through them.

But one more thing, if you notice a pattern of you coming here for help, and then you are ignoring it, then maybe you are a lost cause! I know thats ridiculously harsh, but really , a thread on PI isnt going to solve your problems.

Id probably hazard a guess that you are fairly down and out right now, ranting on PI, then you'll be in an ok mood for a couple of weeks,even months , ignore all the help, even though your problems wont be solved, and then one day youll be down and out again, and come back here for another rant.

Anyway, if you want Ill expand on what I did, but about 99% of people tend not to be interested because its weird, I basically investigated my own sense of self to see its illusory nature, and investigated how I perceive reality. I just said Id cut to the chase and say the weird parts straight away, cause every time I say it people sound interested initially and then it fizzles out once I start talking like that.

LegacyUser

wylo wrote: »

Tbh man if I was in your spot id give serious consideration to emigrating. You're in an ideal situation, and its very easy make friends abroad cause everyone's in the same situation.

Can't - elderly/ill parents & a farmt o help on.

edit: I should probably clarify, when I talk of emigration, thats not going to solve the problems in your own head, but it will certainly get you out of the rut, out of the comfort zone and into a situation where there are lots of people your age that are completely open to making new friends.

I am aware of this. I have thought about it numerous times over many years - more than I care to recollect. The one thing it would give me is a fresh slate. I might have too much baggage ehre. But as per above, I'm stuck.

You could also do what I did, and go on a philosophical path to sorting out your own internal crap. Your problems are your in head, your lack of happiness is in your head, sure, its resulted in more conventional problems like not having friends, procrastinating etc.

Numerous courses, NLP, CBT etc have been tried all to no avail. I know I've conditioned myself to fail, but I lso think (correctly or otherwise) that this city, Belfast, is too small and cliquey. Big places like London, <USA city>, whereever would have more opportunities. But that is just my biased opinion.

I put myself through a philosophical investigation, and while it didnt solve my conventional problems , I am in a very comfortable confident happy place while I try and sift through them.

I'm not comfortable with anything in my life presently. How mcuh of it is anger at how my life is and how much is genuine concerns I don't know.

But one more thing, if you notice a pattern of you coming here for help, and then you are ignoring it, then maybe you are a lost cause! I know thats ridiculously harsh, but really , a thread on PI isnt going to solve your problems.

I have said this to counsellors - maybe this my lot. I get a wishy washy answer from them. Mostly, they don't care. Counselling seems to be an easy gig... In case you can't tell, I've not got much time for them - snake oil merchants.

Id probably hazard a guess that you are fairly down and out right now, ranting on PI, then you'll be in an ok mood for a couple of weeks,even months , ignore all the help, even though your problems wont be solved, and then one day youll be down and out again, and come back here for another rant.

Close, however for me it's towards the end of every week. When I go back to the farm and sit in the house on the weekend with my parents watching Brendan O'Connor and Ryan Turbidy. It fills me with dread. I'm embarrassed for myself.

Anyway, if you want Ill expand on what I did, but about 99% of people tend not to be interested because its weird, I basically investigated my own sense of self to see its illusory nature, and investigated how I perceive reality. I just said Id cut to the chase and say the weird parts straight away, cause every time I say it people sound interested initially and then it fizzles out once I start talking like that.

But did you change your life or accept it?

blacklilly

Dear OP,

As previous posters have advised, I think you are stuck in a rut. Many of us have experienced this at some stage. So you're not alone by any means.

You say gp's and counselling didn't help you. Counsellors are not there to sort your life out, you must do that for yourself, they are there to help guide you and discuss the reasons as to why you're feeling the way you're feeling.

If you really want to change, you can. You have two options:

1. Sit in every evening, feeling sad and down, watching your life go by.

2. Do something about it, push yourself.

No one is going to magically appear and sort this out for you.

I'm in my mid 20's and sometimes feel like lonely etc as most of my good friends are in relationships, have moved abroad etc and although there have been times where i've been passive about my oen happiness, I realise no one is going to make me happy, I have to do it for myself.

Things can and will change if you want them to.

mood

OP have you tried taking up some hobbies - join a rowing / canoeing / running / book etc club would get you out and meeting people. Trying internet dating might help you meet women. Both options would at least get you out of the house and get you meeting people.

LegacyUser

blacklilly wrote: »

Dear OP,
If you really want to change, you can. You have two options:

1. Sit in every evening, feeling sad and down, watching your life go by.

2. Do something about it, push yourself.

No one is going to magically appear and sort this out for you.

I don't expect anyone to sort it out for me. I'm just lamenting that I can't sort myself out.

OP have you tried taking up some hobbies - join a rowing / canoeing / running / book etc club would get you out and meeting people. Trying internet dating might help you meet women. Both options would at least get you out of the house and get you meeting people.

I am looking into hobbies, but it is slow going as I have no real interests or passions. As for internet dating, I was previously advised on here that I'm not in the right position with my self to consider online dating...

wylo

Can't - elderly/ill parents & a farmt o help on.

Sorry to hear, that completely changes the situation, are you essentially stuck there for the rest of your life? Is it at all possible for you to move or is it completely out of the question?

Numerous courses, NLP, CBT etc have been tried all to no avail. I know I've conditioned myself to fail, but I lso think (correctly or otherwise) that this city, Belfast, is too small and cliquey. Big places like London, <USA city>, whereever would have more opportunities. But that is just my biased opinion.

Im not talking about CBT or any of that stuff, Im talking about essentially becoming liberated from the idea of your "self" and who you are.

I have said this to counsellors - maybe this my lot. I get a wishy washy answer from them. Mostly, they don't care. Counselling seems to be an easy gig... In case you can't tell, I've not got much time for them - snake oil merchants.

I somehow doubt that , maybe you're just not turning your crap on yourself and taking responsibility for your life.

Close, however for me it's towards the end of every week. When I go back to the farm and sit in the house on the weekend with my parents watching Brendan O'Connor and Ryan Turbidy. It fills me with dread. I'm embarrassed for myself.

Well, if you've no choice and you have to go back because they are ill and you have to help on the farm, then why are you embarrassed?

But did you change your life or accept it?

Both

mood

original_poster_here wrote: »

I am looking into hobbies, but it is slow going as I have no real interests or passions. As for internet dating, I was previously advised on here that I'm not in the right position with my self to consider online dating...

When were you advised that and why? I don't see why you shouldn't try it.

solerina

OP
Your friends may have young children but even people with young children need a social life....they may not go out often but surely you could persuade tham to go out occasionally..... I was in a similar position a few years ago (except that I diDnt let it get to me, I did loads of things to keep busy and was quite happy in most aspects with my life except that I missed actually going to the pub/club) and all of my friends had gotten married or were in long term relationships and didnt budge outside the door....I eventually asked one of them and her husband to go to a gig....shock horror they came, I suggested they invite some friends....and one single female friend came along....we had met in passing once or twice in the past....We both realised that we were in a similar position and arranged to go out together a week later.....On one of our nights out we met 2 other girls in similar positions (30s, single and interested in socialising)....so the 4 of us started to head out together....and on one of our nights out I met my OH !!! ANYWAY....its possible to kick start your social life again if you try (oh and by the way, now myself and my OH head out with the girls..just as well he doesnt mind being surrounded by women.....win win !!)

AckwelFoley

OP, if I were you I would consider volunteering with a meals on wheels service for a while. It will show you what its like to be elderly and by and large have nobody, because that's the road you're heading down. There's nothing wring with being alone if that's what one wants, but you clearly don't.

What's frustrating for me about your situation is you know the problem but lack the interest in doing anything.

You need to do something about it
Only you can solve your problem nobody else, but you are smart enough to know that.

What I suggest is to sit down with a pen and paperand write down a 10 year plan. Ie, where do you want to be in 10 years, upon doing that write down how you plan on achieving your goals.

You don't seem to take the advise of others so by doing it this way you will be taking your own advise. You aeca smart person, you know yourself what you need to do, you know the outcomes if you don't follow the plan. By having it, it will give you set goals to achieve and hopefully motivate you.

It's motivation you lack.

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear, that completely changes the situation, are you essentially stuck there for the rest of your life? Is it at all possible for you to move or is it completely out of the question?

Not sure. My brother owns and works on the farm, but he is single so needs help. My parents are not keen on me moving away. I did mention it and my mother - who is usually quite placid about things was not keen.

Well, if you've no choice and you have to go back because they are ill and you have to help on the farm, then why are you embarrassed?

I am embarrassed that at 34yo I sit in the house with my parents at the weekend instead of out socialising or dating - whatever people do.

mood wrote: »

When were you advised that and why? I don't see why you shouldn't try it.

Can't remember. However, I looked on POF this evening and it scared me! I've never had a relationship before, so I'm really naive about relationships. It scares me, but it is something I want.

Do u think u are lazy ?

Not sure. Scared of change (even though I want change). Lazy in that I don't know what I want to do or seem to be able to sort it out. Every evening I come home from work, got to gym, get dinner, surf 'net, read book, sleep. Nothing changes. As I type I think of all the times I planned to sort myself out, but nothing ever works. I am frustrated by myself.
I feel that Fear is holding me back. (BTW - I've read 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' {Susan Jeffers} and it done nothing for me).

I don't have any passions. I go to the gym, but that is as much for confidence (appearance) as it is for fitness. I don't play any sports. Not really big into music. Haven't been to cinema in yonks. Just a boring person.

LegacyUser

OP here again (runnign out of names too!)

Quick update - managed to go out tonight with work colleagues for 1 drink. I had a counselling class to go to so did not stay out later with them. Is that irony - leaving a social event to get help with my social life???

Still in the **** though. One swallow doesn't make a summer.