Any way to get the trust back?

LegacyUser

So me and my OH have been together since August, went on a 'break' in april that was hardly a break (He kept texting me, contacting me, wanting to do stuff with me) he claims afterwards that he was just stressed from work and was too rash and he regretted it.

So anyway saturday night, his phone kept going off during the night, himself oblivious to it, but kept waking me. So I checked the phone to see what was so important that someone kept contacting him (as you do, could have been a call saying a family member is in hospital, you wouldn't know) anyway so I checked the phone, it was all from another girl. My stomach dropped.

So I looked through the phone, not proud of it, but I needed to know who this girl was. Turns out they have been out the last few weekends together (He lives elsewhere in the country, and goes back every odd weekend), and sending suggestive texts to each other.

Now at this point I saw red, I woke him up and asked him who she was. He claimed that she was nothing, a stupid mistake. I pointed out why is he still texting her then, etc and he said that he didn't know, his head is all messed up. Wasn't good enough for me, I started to ask him was he happy with me, did he still like me, want to be with me, he said yes to everything, and that he felt very bad about it. I had him at tears at one point. He had other girls on the text too, but they stopped at around the time we got back together officially after the break.
I'm not perfect I was texting someone else too and met up with him once, but I felt really guilty and stopped all contact once me and my OH got back together. I told my OH this as well. He claims that he started texting this girl during the break up cause 'she was there for him' back in his home town.

See I'm just wondering if he only felt bad because he got caught. I don't think he was planning on telling me about her, at least not to the extent that I found out.

He said he did not have sex with her, he swore over and over again, and texts only reveal that they kissed and while she was hinting over text that she wanted more, his replies were generic 'I'm not interested in that' texts, so I do believe him there.

He spent all weekend with me he asked me if I wanted him to leave me alone, I told him no. I told him that I did not want him contacting her, but I couldn't stop him if he really wanted to, I told him out of respect to me he needs to stop this if he wants us to go anywhere. Time will tell.

My main issue with this is, how can I get the trust back? It is still very raw in my mind and heart (doesn't help I've college exams this week), I just keep thinking 'what if he's texting her?' when he's not with me, and I just know when he goes home I will need to use all my self control to not worry to much. I'm hoping that he does realise what he could lose and will try everything to prove he can be trusted again.

I know trust will take time to rebuild, and I also know that he may not trust me as much anymore either. We are planning on having a really big talk after my exams next weekend. I think this talk will make or break us.

Beruthiel

I would have thought that if you need a break 10 months into a relationship then there's something clearly wrong and you may not be suited to each other.
Normally, 10 months into a relationship is still in the rose tinted glasses period.
He goes with someone else while ye are on a break.
You're checking his phone because you don't trust him.
You've been texting someone else during the relationship.
Why are you bothering with this relationship?

starprincess

Wow, I honestly thought I was reading my own post there! Pretty much the exact same situation has happened/is still going on with myself and my OH..if you read my thread there's lots of replies that might be helpful to you but at the end of the day you're the only one that can decide whether you can ever trust him or not and whether he is worth all of this stress..he has to be extremely willing to make a huge effort to help you rebuild it though and thats where things can get messy..well they have for me anyway...

Let me know how your big talk goes..I have been having them almost daily over the past few weeks and am completely drained and still nowhere!

ElleEm

OP, I agree with Beruthiel. The fact that you had a break eight months into your relationship is a huge red flag to me.

He kept in contact with you, although throughout the break, yet was kinda seeing another girl. That seems quite deceitful to me, to both you and her.

He damaged the trust in the relationship in his continued contact with this girl, and you damaged the trust by checking his phone.

If you decide to continue with the relationship, you both need to prove to each other that all the shady behaviour is behind you. To be honest though, it all seems a bit too much this early on. I would cut my losses if I was you.

Fiona

Speaking from experience once trust is gone in a relationship it will never be the same and one person will always be made feel guilty for what they did. Cut your loses and move on.

curlzy

I'd just finish it if I were you. Life is too short for that kind of drama, it's so boring. If you're taking breaks 8 months into a relationship to text other people then it's probably not gonna be a very fun relationship. You should still be in the giddy giggly stage, not the patching things up and big boring talks stage.

fallen01angel

From experience I found that once the trust is gone it's next to near impossible to get it back, and tbh your relationship is relatively "new" to be going through so much drama,I'd say cut your losses and run.

Piliger

OP - I definitely think it's all a bit of a mess. However I don't think just a knee jerk break up is necessarily the best solution.
You acknowledge that your relationship has been rocky and you both have cast your net on a few occasions, though only in what is clear were very light weight ways.
In my view you have both reached a crossroads in what has been a slightly immature attempt at a relationship (and that's not a dig! Life is tough and relationships are tough. We learn as we go along) and both of you need to sit down now and have a heavy, and totally honest, everything on the table, hammer it all out conversation.
Trust is in our gift to give. If you both love each other and want to make a relationship work then you can both chose to trust again. That choice is up to you and him. There are no guarantees in life ! Lots of people trust their partner, but lots of partners stray. But the answer is not always to simply stop trusting in some utopian expectation that the next partner is going to be oh so perfect.

Best of luck.