Is this right ?

LegacyUser

Hi

So, my wife has made the decision that our marriage is over after 4 yrs,it is not my choice.
She asked for a break several months ago, which I agreed to; I suggested counseling she felt it wouldn’t work. She has since decided that the marriage is over, I have told her that I do not accept her reasons as plausible, her reasons being I have not supported her enough (I accept this to an extent),my family have not helped the situation over the years( I have tried to address it) but I have told her that sometime you just cant change people.
She feels I haven’t shown her the love a husband should, I disagree with her.

where we are now is, I have told her I do not accept her reasons for finishing our marriage, nor does her family, my family, her friends, my friends, nobody thinks that her reasons are justifiable.

She has now suggested that we go to a Counselor so that i may begin to understand why we are breaking up and come to terms with it.
I have 2 questions here
1-Does such a service exist that counsels people through a break up>?
2-I have suggested that if we find such a service and we go through with it and the counselor tells her that perhaps her reasons(although they exist to an extent) are problems that are fixable, she has told me that she does not care what everyone thinks that the reasons are good enough for her and that’s that. Should I just accept her decision even though I don’t agree with her?

Rgds

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP.

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. Firstly, your marriage is between you and your wife - I suspect expecting her to justify her wishes to separate because family, neighbours, counsellor or whomever else who isn't actually in the marriage thinks it ought to be so isn't doing your cause any favours.

The bottom line - tho it's going to be painful to hear - is that she's an independent person and entitled to divorce you, she doesn't have to justify it with anything other than the fact that is what she wants for her life.

That said, you say she has proposed joint counselling - despite her reasoning being that you come to terms with a separation - that would suggest to me that all is not lost. I think you need to tread carefully tho OP if saving your marriage is what you really want because there seems to be very little acknowledgement that your wife has come to the absolute end of her tether dealing with a range of ongoing issues in your marriage.

It usually takes a long time to get to the point that a spouse considers all the physical and emotional upheaval in leaving a marriage as a marked improvement on the status quo and your post just gives an air of expectation that your wife should stay married to you because you don't view her feeling or perspective as valid...which I suspect is much of the issue.

I'd advise attending the counselling with ears and eyes open, OP.

All the very best.

ETA - as found in the Useful Contact section of the charter, the following might be able to help:


Marital breakdown/family law/family supports

http://www.mrcs.ie/
(Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services)

http://www.gingerbread.ie/

http://www.solo.ie/

http://www.treoir.ie/

http://www.parentline.ie/

http://www.childline.ie/

http://www.teenline.ie/

LegacyUser

I appreciate the advise and since it the first unbiased advice i have received,i suppose it does make sense,altough it doesnt make it any easier.

In terms of how i approach this,should it be
1-Go with the view that our marriage is over
2-Go with the view that having and independant person listening to us may possibly see where i am coming from in terms of me not understanding her reasoning and somehow help me to explain to my wife all the good things we have/had-2 very young children,never had an argument(seriously) in our 10 yrs together,absolutely best friends,an ability to finish each others sentences and know what each other is thinking,which sometimes is a bit scary.


Rgds

hondasam

Confused and lost wrote: »

Hi
where we are now is, I have told her I do not accept her reasons for finishing our marriage, nor does her family, my family, her friends, my friends, nobody thinks that her reasons are justifiable.

She does not have to justify here reasons to anyone but you. Maybe she needs a break and some time to herself to think things through.
You cannot force someone to love you or to stay with you, just because no one agrees with her decision does not make her wrong.

Beruthiel

Confused and lost wrote: »

I have told her that I do not accept her reasons as plausible, her reasons being I have not supported her enough (I accept this to an extent)

They are plausible reasons if she is citing them.
You admit she has a point yourself, so something tells me that perhaps this has been going on for a while with no change on your part?

She feels I haven’t shown her the love a husband should, I disagree with her.

You may disagree.
However, if that is how she feels, then it is valid to her.

I have told her I do not accept her reasons for finishing our marriage, nor does her family, my family, her friends, my friends, nobody thinks that her reasons are justifiable.

It is nobody elses business and all these people getting involved only muddies the water.
What they think is irrelevant.
This is between the two of you.

She has now suggested that we go to a Counselor

If she is offering one last ditch attempt, then grab it.

Does such a service exist that counsels people through a break up>?

Yes.
Your doctor could point you in the right direction.
You could try googling for someone in your local area.

she has told me that she does not care what everyone thinks that the reasons are good enough for her and that’s that. Should I just accept her decision even though I don’t agree with her?

You have no choice but to accept her decision even if you do not agree with it.
She is an autonomous individual and can do what she wants with her life. You cannot control that.

Best of luck, hope it works out for you.

Distorted

Confused and lost wrote: »

I have told her that I do not accept her reasons as plausible, her reasons being I have not supported her enough (I accept this to an extent),my family have not helped the situation over the years( I have tried to address it) but I have told her that sometime you just cant change people.
She feels I haven’t shown her the love a husband should, I disagree with her.

Confused and lost wrote: »

Should I just accept her decision even though I don’t agree with her?

What would your alternative be? Would you force her somehow to continue to be unwillingly married to you? Or to improve yourself somehow so that the reasons for her dissatissfaction with what has been quite a short marriage are improved?

You sound quite clinical when discussing your wife. I guess if you wanted to address her (very plausible) reasons for divorce, you would direct them in your post and show some conscience with regard to your wife's feelings and opinions, as opposed to dismissing her as "implausible" and incorrect. From what you write, you sound quite unaware of your wife's feelings, and you address only your own in your post.

Ickle Magoo

Confused and Lost wrote: »

I appreciate the advise and since it the first unbiased advice i have received,i suppose it does make sense,altough it doesnt make it any easier.

In terms of how i approach this,should it be
1-Go with the view that our marriage is over
2-Go with the view that having and independant person listening to us may possibly see where i am coming from in terms of me not understanding her reasoning and somehow help me to explain to my wife all the good things we have/had-2 very young children,never had an argument(seriously) in our 10 yrs together,absolutely best friends,an ability to finish each others sentences and know what each other is thinking,which sometimes is a bit scary.


Rgds

I don't think it's a matter of how internet stranger think you should approach this - only you can answer how you want to approach it.

I think you still have to accept that everyone has their breaking point and your wife has clearly reached hers - and also that just because a relationship isn't all bad - doesn't make it good, either.

All the best, OP.

Piliger

Hi OP. I regret to be somewhat blunt, but you really need to learn to listen. Your wife is telling you how it is, and you're not listening. You are only listening to how you want things to be. She is telling you it is over. It is a painful and traumatic thing. But it is over. Both of you need to take stock and start again. Life is out there to be lived.

Best of luck. Really.