Help please

ashblag

Im going through tormoil at the moment im with my partner for 5years now. We bought our home two years ago.Things are not going good at all.
Im so depressed sad and unhappy. We do nothing together. There is no effort made. I make suggestions ie: lets go to cinema/dinner/walk you name it he's either in a bad mood or too tired. Our time not in work is spent with him on the playstation me watching tv.
I've suffered depression and so has he...It cannot be all the f**king time I try to talk to him about it I get the ans im just pissed off...I cant say anymore because he gets into a mood so i'm walking on egg shells around him till he comes out of it. It's exhausting!! The other thing that really f**king annoys me (and wasnt going to put this in) is the hash smoking. Which is prob the reason he doesnt want to do anything. Everyday occurance.
He complains about money!!lack of it!! we both bloody work I pay the utillites....we're not on the bread line..his money is being smoked litlerally.
I cant have a conversation with him but yet if someone else is in the house he's great company!
Im not really thinking right at the moment as im a bit down but there must be more to life than this,fast turning 30 I dont think I can live the next 30 like this.
If worst comes to worst,where would we stand with the house/mortgage.
I'm very sorry bout the long post just couldn't stop typing

Piliger

Hi - OP ... if you've read some of the other threads you'll see the post wasn't that long

I'm sorry about your predicament. The first thing that occurs to me is that there must be a reason behind this change. You must first find that reason, or secondly face up to it if you actually do know what it is....

In my life's experience people do not change without a reason. Something in his work ? his friends ? a fight you had ? something you said ? (and that's not saying it's YOUR fault!)..... it must be something. He is hiding and escaping from something.

If you can't figure what it is and he won't talk then you need to do something that gets his attention. That is how I see it. And if he won't talk and you really don't know what it is, then he is essentially breaking your relationship. You didn't get into this and buy a house with him for him, for him to cut you out? and live like this for the rest of your lives ? That's not acceptable, by anyone. It's not fair or reasonable.

So I myself suggest you need to do something to get his attention. Tell him if he's not willing to discuss it then you want to sell the house and call it all off, and you want to get on with it in the next few weeks. See how he responds to that ...

hondasam

ashblag wrote: »

Im going through tormoil at the moment im with my partner for 5years now. We bought our home two years ago.Things are not going good at all.
Im so depressed sad and unhappy. We do nothing together. There is no effort made. I make suggestions ie: lets go to cinema/dinner/walk you name it he's either in a bad mood or too tired. Our time not in work is spent with him on the playstation me watching tv.
I've suffered depression and so has he...It cannot be all the f**king time I try to talk to him about it I get the ans im just pissed off...I cant say anymore because he gets into a mood so i'm walking on egg shells around him till he comes out of it. It's exhausting!! The other thing that really f**king annoys me (and wasnt going to put this in) is the hash smoking. Which is prob the reason he doesnt want to do anything. Everyday occurance.
He complains about money!!lack of it!! we both bloody work I pay the utillites....we're not on the bread line..his money is being smoked litlerally.
I cant have a conversation with him but yet if someone else is in the house he's great company!
Im not really thinking right at the moment as im a bit down but there must be more to life than this,fast turning 30 I dont think I can live the next 30 like this.
If worst comes to worst,where would we stand with the house/mortgage.
I'm very sorry bout the long post just couldn't stop typing

This is his problem and your's now as you are putting up with it, so you smoke hash every day as well?
The mortgage is in joint names ye both owe the same amount to the bank.

ashblag

hondasam wrote: »

This is his problem and your's now as you are putting up with it, so you smoke hash every day as well?
The mortgage is in joint names ye both owe the same amount to the bank.

Hi. No i dont smoke that ****e at all and I know it's my fault for putting up with it but I dont have a f**king back bone at the moment to stand up for myself. I hate myself and resent him and feel backed into a corner.

I went out with a friend last night for the first time in nearly a year and I forgot what fun I used to be and I enjoyed myself for the first time in ages. Maybe I need to get my life and confidence back and f**k him if he doesnt

Fiona

I swear I could have written this post myself OP

I really feel for you but please make a stand now, I am the same age as you and I have just ended my marriage for much the same reasons. It does get better honestly x

fallen01angel

ashblag wrote: »

Im going through tormoil at the moment im with my partner for 5years now. We bought our home two years ago.Things are not going good at all.
Im so depressed sad and unhappy. We do nothing together. There is no effort made. I make suggestions ie: lets go to cinema/dinner/walk you name it he's either in a bad mood or too tired. Our time not in work is spent with him on the playstation me watching tv.
I've suffered depression and so has he...It cannot be all the f**king time I try to talk to him about it I get the ans im just pissed off...I cant say anymore because he gets into a mood so i'm walking on egg shells around him till he comes out of it. It's exhausting!! The other thing that really f**king annoys me (and wasnt going to put this in) is the hash smoking. Which is prob the reason he doesnt want to do anything. Everyday occurance.
He complains about money!!lack of it!! we both bloody work I pay the utillites....we're not on the bread line..his money is being smoked litlerally.
I cant have a conversation with him but yet if someone else is in the house he's great company!
Im not really thinking right at the moment as im a bit down but there must be more to life than this,fast turning 30 I dont think I can live the next 30 like this.
If worst comes to worst,where would we stand with the house/mortgage.
I'm very sorry bout the long post just couldn't stop typing

Lots of people will tell you that hash is basically a harmless drug,a nice way to unwind/chill out blah blah blah,Safe to say I'm most definately not one of those people. An ex of mine was v fond of it and it eventually forced me to making a decision for us to break up(to say he messed up while out of it one night would be the understatement of the century),it broke my heart tbh but looking back I can honestly say that it was the right decision for me,thankfully there was no morgage to worry over.
The last bit of your post I bolded really got to me,as it's the very same thought I was having towards the end and all I can say is this....you need to do some serious thinking on this,if you want to have a life with your other half the hash issue needs to be addressed and quickly,I don't know from your post if you've confronted(not the best description) him over it yet-but if you haven't then you need to do it asap,try sitting down and tell him how're your feeling and if he's willing to try to fix things then maybe ye can work through it. If he denies it's a problem then you have to decide whether you're willing to put up with this sort of relationship.If ye have a joint morgage then ye both owe on it and although I can only imagine how the morgage is an added pressure in all this the main thing here is your sanity and your happiness and with all due respect,at the moment you don't seem very happy.

Fizzlesque

ashblag wrote: »

We do nothing together. There is no effort made. I make suggestions ie: lets go to cinema/dinner/walk you name it he's either in a bad mood or too tired. Our time not in work is spent with him on the playstation me watching tv.


The other thing that really f**king annoys me (and wasnt going to put this in) is the hash smoking. Which is prob the reason he doesnt want to do anything. Everyday occurance.

I think the hash smoking, that you weren't going to mention, is very pertinent here. While some people can smoke hash and still do stuff, for many it becomes the pinnacle on which everything they do hangs. I was once in a relationship like yours and everything I suggested we do, unless it was qualified with 'you can roll a smoke to bring with you', was met with a wrinkled nose of disinterest.

If your partner won't talk to you, or listen to your concerns, you're not going to be able to make him change the things you feel need to change. Until he feels his smoking is having a negative effect on his life, he won't want to reduce his usage.

You mentioned going out with a friend and remembering how much fun you used be/how much more you used enjoy life - I think you should keep that memory alive, and, if possible, start to live your life the way you want to live it. Maybe set aside a certain amount of your disposable income to be divided between you, so he can smoke his portion and you can go out and enjoy your life with your friends with yours.

It's not a long term solution, and the day may come when you feel the need to look at separating, but at least it will give you (a) a bit of fun back in your life, and (b) make your partner realise he's alone in his smoke bubble, which he may be happy enough with, but that way won't be allowing his choices to turn your life into a depressing haze of smoke-filled emptiness.

Eric Cartman

having a lot of friends who smoke weed I have to agree with the poster above in saying theres different types of people in terms of dealing with it.

One thing ive noticed even in long term smokers who suffer / have suffered depression is that they tend to smoke a lot more when they get into a rut.

Has your other half started smoking more ? Or was he still smoking every day even while things were going well.

leeroybrown

Devil's advocate: Would you still have stayed with him through all this if you didn't buy a house together?

If the answer is no then you really need to start looking at whether you should be there, if it's worth trying to exit and possibly putting together a few quid of your own so you can if you decide you have to.

ashblag

hello all. well just update...i gave him a fright alright I lost the plot a few weeks ago and let out(roared out) everything. And moved home for a few days. I think it's finally clicked with him. He hasnt smoked since and his behavour is so different. We are going for councelling next week also. We've begun to try rekindle our relationship. Small things like taking a walk every day together.
I do love him and he gets me.
But I'm no fool though guys if he takes up that **** hash again mortgage or no mortgage im gone. I've realised being quiet and allowing someone to walk all over you gets you no where.

Piliger

Great news OP. It sounds like real progress. Not a solution, but progress, and sometimes that's all we can hope for.

If I might say, your achievement of this progress illustrates that even when things look bad and when relationships run into what look like serious trouble, they can be turned around and the rot stopped.

Too many people leap at a dismissive solution, opting to bail out and to urge others to bail out before a real effort is made to find a solution.

Best of luck in your relationship.

nkay1985

ashblag wrote: »

hello all. well just update...i gave him a fright alright I lost the plot a few weeks ago and let out(roared out) everything. And moved home for a few days. I think it's finally clicked with him. He hasnt smoked since and his behavour is so different. We are going for councelling next week also. We've begun to try rekindle our relationship. Small things like taking a walk every day together.
I do love him and he gets me.
But I'm no fool though guys if he takes up that **** hash again mortgage or no mortgage im gone. I've realised being quiet and allowing someone to walk all over you gets you no where.

That's brilliant. Delighted that you took a stand. Hopefully it might have been a wake-up call because it sounded like he was completely lethargic which can happen from overuse of hash.

Hope it all works out for you OP.

ashblag

Thanks everyone. I hope the councelling does us good. Lord knows I need it.