19 year old worried about my future happiness

LegacyUser

First time poster on Boards so apologies in advance if I am in the wrong place etc.

19 year old female and just finished first year college. 18 months ago I took an overdose,something I deeply regret and something I sometimes feel I have never completely gotten over. I was in a very dark place at that time,my relationship with my mother had completely broken down- we literally did not speak to each other for over two months. I was in a completely different state of mind and it seemed like the only way to escape the pain. After an agonizing few days in hospital,both physically and emotionally, I saw a psychiatrist. I told him how I felt -deeply hurt by the breakdown in relationship with my mother and that I knew what I had done was wrong. I was determined to move on with my studies (I was in 6th year at the time), telling myself I was fine and really just wanting to forget about the entire thing.

My relationship with my mother got back on track and I have never told anybody about that incident apart from immediate family members. I think in a way I am ashamed of what I did. As the months went by I tried to push the thoughts and memories of what happened aside but I think it was affecting me more so than I thought. I stopped enjoying the things I always used to love and constantly felt really angry,sad and lonely. At my mothers wishes I visited my GP who prescribed me with mild anti depressants. I started to feel happy again in life, I started to feel like me again. I came off the antidepressants about 5 months ago.

Over the last few months I have been really confused. I find my mind wandering off to dark dark places with dark thoughts that I cant get rid of. My friends used to consider me the most laid back person in the world,but now I constantly worry. I worry about the silliest things but also really significant things like my happiness. Almost every hour of every day I worry about not being happy in the future and just feel I will never be the relaxed,fun,enthusiastic person I once was. I have this constant fear that I will not succeed in life,that I wont reach my goals, that simply I will never find happiness. I find almost everything in my life stressful and make everything so complicated for myself when it really needn't be.

I feel I will never be able to be the old 'me' again, that I have gone past the point of no return and I will never find happiness. I don't know why I feel this way, I'm not sure if my overdose has anything to do with it or if I'm being just plain selfish and need to cop on and grow up? I'm really confused, sad and more than anything scared . I'm not even sure why I'm writing this,perhaps I just want an outsiders perspective. Thank you.

leeroybrown

I'd give a simple suggestion. Get yourself referred to a professional counsellor again and talk it through with them. Anyone who's been though that would probably have a lot of baggage leftover in their head that will take a long time to sort out. Anti-depressants without professional counselling are (in my opinion) not really a solution to anything. Most people I know who admit to having taken the step of counselling say that it was a very positive thing for them. You seem to already have had some but it probably only addressed the acute suicide issue and not the longer term worries it left behind.

Other than that, I'll say that you're only 19 and you really have many years to make mistakes, bad choices and bad decisions without affecting your life long term. Just get on with your degree and your life because a few setbacks now aren't the end of the world.