Torn between home and my girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm currently living in Australia and am 27 years old. I'm on a 2nd working holiday visa which runs out in 7 months time, so unless I get sponsored by a company (not easy to get) then I'll have to leave.

I've been going out with a local Aussie girl for the last 4 and a half months. It's been going great. She's very sweet. She has a lot of great qualities and is very much what I've always been looking for in a girlfriend. She is my first proper girlfriend.

However the problem is that while I'm cool with living here for a few years, long term I'd rather live in Ireland (or Europe). I find the isolation out here quite tough. Miles and miles and dollars and dollars from seeing your friends and family. The thoughts of not having family in my life if I stayed here long term is tough. Also the isolation from the rest of the Western World is tough. Time difference has meant I have lost touch with a lot of my favourite sports events, which is a part of who I am. I love travel also, but being in Australia, you can't get to any other cultures cheaply or easily.

What's the problem with all of this? Well my girlfriend is a home bird as she says, while I love travelling and have been all over the world. She comes from a very family-knit culture, where EVERYTHING is about family. She has rarely left Australia. She told me she will never leave here ever for more than a holiday. I think long term if these things are to work out there would have to be compromise, and both sides would have to be willing to at some point in the future, up and leave and go to the other person's country for a few years, for whatever reason (be it family or otherwise). I get the impression that she would struggle to make that sacrifice.

The thoughts of not being with her make me sad. The thoughts of becoming detatched from my family and friends in Ireland also makes me sad. I'm a very proud Irish person.

The funny thing is that I don't want to go home to Ireland soon, as I'm sort of scared to face the economy (even though my profession I should be able to get a job) and would like to build up work experience before heading back. But I do know that I don't like the idea of living here forever. It is not like moving to the UK where you can hop on Ryanair home at the drop of a hat. Living in Australia is a commitment to rarely seeing your family again.

It's such a complicated situation, and it is always at the back of my mind, but I haven't mentioned there worries to my girlfriend as I don't want to lose her.

Any advise or thoughts?

Thanks

beks101

It's just a conversation you're going to have to have with your gf I'm afraid. No two ways about it.

You do both sound incompatible in a long-term plan sort of way, and staying together will require compromise on both sides. It's all very well you getting sponsorship and sticking around Oz for her for a few years, but there's really no point if she's not willing to meet you halfway and consider uprooting and travelling with you in the future.

If she ultimately never sees herself living anywhere else but Oz, are you willing to consider a long-term future there as well? It doesn't sound like that's something that would be conducive to a happy, fulfilled life for you, given what you've already outlined, and if you did, there's the potential that resentment could grow and kill your relationship.

Then again, it's a pretty new relationship for the both of you, so maybe she's just not given all of this a second's thought? I'm with my boyfriend for a similar length of time, and while he's completely clear about my time here in Canada having an expiration date, we're still just in the getting-to-know-each-other, enjoying-each-other's-company stage of things. And a lot can happen in seven months.

Talk to your girlfriend if this is something that you can't get passed. She might surprise you.

Piliger

Hi OP. A difficult situation I agree. The fact that it is playing on your mind means it is important to you and you are thinking about how your life will go in the future.

On the other hand you have only been dating 4.5 months ..... one might suggest that it is a bit early to make assumptions about where this relationship is going ..? I mean you say yourself that you intend to stay in Aussie for a few years to get experience ?

In that time this relationship could easily fade and you may well move on to not just one but two or more relationships ! yes I know it doesn't look like that now, but who knows what will happen. And all that worry would have been for nothing.

I think this issue about coming home is something you should keep at the back of your mind and not let worry you. I also think you should always drop it into conversation from time to time, from early on, to see how it is reacted to. That will give you some idea about how she, or whatever girl you date, feels about the subject.

Living on the other side of the planet is your choice. Expecting girls there to move here to settle is expecting a lot. So when you chose to date, this is the inevitable implication.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thought I'd come back to this and update. A few months on and the situation hasn't gotten easier, but rather harder.

I traveled home for a month, including a bit of time at the Olympics, and had a blast. Was so great re-acquainting with family, relatives and friends. I never had that feeling that many get when visiting home of "dying to get back to Oz after just a week being back". I didn't notice too much negativity back home. Maybe because the Olympics were on and there was a bit of a buzz about that, it could have given off an unrealistic appeal to Ireland, but I absolutely enjoyed my time back home immensely and during the last 2 weeks I was feeling sad that my time was coming to an end far too quickly. After I said goodbye to my parents at the airport I was an uncontrollable emotional mess and felt like this for the whole flight to Oz and for the first day or two back here. Feeling a bit better now but I miss my family a lot, and the thoughts of being away from them long term and never really getting to see them much is a bit heartbreaking.

So back to my current situation in Australia. I've now got 4 months left on my visa before it expires. I have the extremely difficult task of finding a job in that time, impressing my employers enough for them to then sponsor me to stay here after December. I am not fully qualified in my field so I am very aware that this will be very difficult. My previous job I didn't pursue sponsorship (I never asked. who knows whether they would have or not had I asked) because after the first month and a half or so I felt I mastered everything I needed to know in the job and was very bored. I was overqualified for the job and commuting to 2 years in my late 20s of easy work would have done me no good career wise. My girlfriend was disappointed I didn't ask for sponsorship, and coming from her point of view I can understand why, but I can't just disregard my career for a woman at the same time. Time will tell whether I made the right call here.

So I have 4 months to find sponsorship, which my chances of obtaining are slim enough I'd imagine. I need to be in the right place at the right time pretty much. I need to be lucky. I need to rely on employment agencies who spoof you around all the time, as applying direct will have no joy given my visa status. My gf seemed a bit sad when I said that getting sponsored for me would require a lot of luck. She has asked is there any other way I can stay. I told her about defacto but that we'd need to live together for 12 months. We aren't living together so that is out. She suggested perhaps I get a student visa, but as I already have my degree and am part qualified ACA this would be ludicrous really. And I'm pretty sure you can't get a student visa to study professional exams and work part time.

I haven't brought up the idea that if I can't get sponsored that she could consider coming to Ireland, as I'm kind of scared of what I think her answer will be. She's very much a homebird, very attached to not only her immediate family, but her extended family also. She has never been away from home for longer than a month and a half. I can't imagine her wanting to move, nor would she be able to afford it either as she will just be finished uni by the time my visa is up.

The whole situation makes me sad and is always playing on my mind and is a little distressing. One one hand I don't want to stay here long term as I would hate to become detached from my family, friends and my country. I am very patriotic and by commiting to Australia full time I'd be giving up so much of my life. On the otherhand the thoughts of leaving my gf to go home makes me sad, as I am mad about her.

I would never expect her to make a move to the other side of the world for me. You can't just expect people to uproot like that. However for the relationship to work then perhaps this is something she will have to be open to. Relationships are 50/50, and if she is asking me to look for sponsorship in a dead end job, or go for a student visa for the sake of staying, moves which would not help my career, while at the same time won't consider coming out of her own comfort zone then is there much future to it?

Horrible situation. Any advice would be welcome.

Thanks

Defiler Of The Coffin

I'm sorry to say this man but to be frank it doesn't look like you are going to be able to reach a happy compromise in this situation. I was away in Australia myself for a year and I can understand how overwhelming the desire to be home with family and friends is. People are different when it comes to how easily they can settle abroad - some people can just move away and completely sever the connection with home while others can get seriously homesick even when only a short distance away - I knew one girl who got homesick while at college even though she was still in her home county! I'd say you lie somewhere in the middle but I remember reading once that there has never been an emigrant who never considered going home, who knows if that's true but you shouldn't feel guilty about missing home, it's natural.

You've also mentioned above that this is your first girlfriend, could that be confusing the issue for you? Yes it would initially be painful to leave her and head home but there's absolutely no reason why you couldn't find a nice girl here and have the life you want with family and friends. You're still very young! Who's to say how long your current relationship will last anyway? It could all be over this time next year.

You also need to consider if it's worth the hassle going through visa applications and sponsorships in Australia when you could easily further your career in Ireland or the EU without the hassle of finding sponsorships and waiting years for applications to clear. Of course it's perfectly doable if that's what you want but is it really? Remember it's not like you left a third-world country for Australia. Despite the recession Ireland still has one of the highest standards of living in the world - same goes for most of the EU.

I know my post reads like I'm firmly in the "come home" camp but reading over your post I suspect that deep down that's what you really want. Of course I could be wrong but soon you will need to decide which is more important - your gf or a life back in Ireland. You won't be happy otherwise. Why drag it out any more than you have to?

jimmycrackcorm

I've two comments to make but I doubt they'll help. The first is that regardless of how you feel about your relationship, girlfriends come and go. Perhaps you should recognize that this one is the going type and you'll be happy in the next coming type.

In contrast I'd also say that I understand the being away from home side. I too initially resented being away from home and the life I was used to. But eventually I got used to my new environment and I no longer pine to go back to the way things were.

However it's pretty likely you won't be able to stay so accept that you'll have to move on from this situation.

Mc Kenzie

hey OP

I know how you must feel torn between. I was in a simelar situaion myself out of Ireland however not as far, but my advise is make sure your not seeing home in Ireland through rose tinted glasses" per say,!

As i came home and realised things werent that great back home and now im doing my best to get out of it! Sometimes in life iv learned ...to go Forward NOT backwards. Im sure these days there is a great irish community in Oz, so many people are still leaving to go there.

Maybe you could come back from austrailia and visit for a few weeks.

I just think it would be very sad to go home and regret anything:o

beks101

You sound quite resentful of your girlfriend already, without having even asked her what she'd be willing to do in order to continue your relationship.

I feel for you OP, I really do as I've seen many, many similar situations with friends of my own on this side of the world - not to mention that my own boyfriend is Canadian and in a year we'll be facing the same scenario. But we're already in communication with each other about what the options are and what the sacrifices may be when it comes down to it. You really need to open the line of communication with your own girlfriend, rather than jumping to assumptions about what she will and won't be willing to do.

Here are just a few examples of what friends/acquaintances of mine have done:

- I know two couples who are getting married in order to maximize their chances at perm residency. In each case, they're together less than a year and aware that it's by no means a guarantee, but have moved in together and will have small civil ceremonies in the coming weeks to give themselves the best shot

- I know one guy who has applied for the tourist visa for when his visa runs out in a few weeks, this will give him an extra 90 days in the country, not legal to work but he can study on it which he plans to do and basically borrow more time to figure out his options

- Another couple have moved to New Zealand together for a year, she's Irish, he's Canadian and have applied for his visa in the UK so they can move closer to home to London in the new year. Might that be an option for the two of you - head travelling elsewhere perhaps a little closer to home - or even just somewhere that you can spend time together as a couple to determine if the relationship is actually going somewhere and if you are really serious about your future plans. In this case, my female friend liked the guy, didn't want to end the relationship but was unsure of its longterm potential...so they decided to take a year out and travel together to really test the waters. I expect they'll be engaged pretty soon.

- Another couple have moved in together in the last few months, Canadian girl and Irish guy, he has applied for an LMO (work sponsorship), hasn't heard back yet and visa expires very soon but he is eligible to stay on implied status while waiting to hear back, which can take months. If he doesn't get it, he will apply for Perm Res on the grounds that they are living together and he is working in the country for two years (necessary condition for PR)

Not sure exactly how similar the Canadian and Oz visa programmes are but I know that they are not entirely dissimilar.

No matter which way you look at it OP, staying on is going to require bucket loads of compromise, hard work and headache for both of you. It's such a long, complicated, red-taped process with SO MANY obstacles and soul-destroying waiting times that it is simply going to kill your relationship if you go into it harbouring resentment for one another right off the bat.

In all of the above cases, the couples are not together long at all and they are completely changing their life plans for one another (esp the couples who are getting married, whose families are not exactly supportive and have faced a lot of criticism from friends - one of the Canadian girl's friends think she's being taken advantage of by a visa-hungry Irish guy and to be fair, who could blame them..). But they are presenting with united fronts because they love each other and simply can't see themselves moving forward without one another. You need to decide whether or not that's how you feel about your girlfriend.

As I mentioned, I'm getting a lot of resentment off you towards your gf and that is NOT the approach you can afford to take if you're serious about her. You need to talk to her about all of this, maybe meet with an immigration lawyer to flesh out your options, and have an adult conversation about your intentions towards one another in the longterm. It's perfectly acceptable to decide on a split and move back to Ireland if you decide that's what's more important to you. But you need to make that decision and stop blaming your girlfriend for her assumed lack of cooperation when you haven't even given her the chance to voice her opinion on it yet. Take responsibility here.

As another poster said, also consider the possibility that you may have the blinkers on because it's your first real relationship. It's hard to be objective in your position.

But a decision needs to be made, and fast. And ranting online about your girlfriend being a home bird and not being willing to compromise while not even giving her the right of response is just going to lead to heartbreak for the two of you very soon if you don't include her in the conversation. If there's any future for you as a couple at all, you need to be a partnership in this and this will be the ultimate test of your relationship.

Best of luck in whatever decision you make.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you chose to go to Australia. You went for the experience, or because you like travelling or whatever... But have now decided home is where you'd like to be. That's fine!

But your gf hasn't gone travelling. She has no interest in it. She likes living at home and doesn't see the need to go too far away.. That is also fine!

I know what you mean about there should be a little compromise.. but the crux of your issue is: you are very lonely and missing a lot of what living in Ireland (or very near to) can offer you. So you want to come back... With your gf.

What if you get here, with her. And she decides after 6 months/a year whatever that she misses home, and her family and friends and would much prefer to live in Australia. Do you both spend the rest of your lives migrating between 2 countries?.Living here for a few years, uprooting and moving everything there for another few years only to come back again a while later?

You need to have "the talk". You both need to sit down and lay it all on the table. No more guessing, or assuming.. tell her your plans, and ask her hers.

If it means you end up making your decision to come home, and leave her behind then that's what needs to be done. You'll say your goodbyes when the time comes, and you'll move on.. or you might come to another agreement.

As I said at the start, you went there, it was your choice. It's a bit unfair now that you are unhappy to expect her to want to move back with you, especially when she has never shown any interest in travelling.

Mighty_Mouse

Relationships are of a time and a place.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever.
Sometimes life just gets in the way.

There is no obvious solution to your current situation.
Focus on enjoying these times together because if it does end you might regret spending your last months together worrying instead of being happy.

scouser82

It’s been a long time since I posted the above but felt like updating this. I tried to post anonymously but it didn't seem to work.

I ended up being in Australia for over 3 years. Went out knowing nobody. I made some Irish/English/Welsh/South African friends etc, and it would break your heart when one by one they would leave. Then a year in I met a wonderful Australian woman and fell madly in love. I didn't feel too homesick until then. But once I had a girlfriend, the idea of settling long term started to become a serious option. I couldn't get comfortable with it no matter how hard I tried. I'm very Irish. Not only did I miss my family really badly, but I missed all the little things about being in Ireland. I found Australia isolating due to the distance from every other country, and the time difference (particularly for watching sport). A trip home half way during my time there only unsettled me much more when I got back to Australia (as documented above).

Since I posted last, I managed, against the odds, to actually get sponsored by an employer to stay in the country on a 457 visa. But I still felt homesick. I soldiered on though. An understanding girlfriend and her very generous family did everything to make me feel a part of their family. So many acts of kindness. But in a way those family gatherings made me miss my own family even more.

I was heavily involved in a particular sport during my time there and through it I made a lot of Australian friends and acquaintances. In many ways I was very settled. I wasn't one of the Irish who hung out in St Kilda with other Irish, and I knew if I lived there permanently I would have life long friends. This helped a lot.

After my boss went on maternity leave, I got a new boss, who didn’t like me for no apparent reason, and my time in work would be fairly miserable. But I was trapped in that job, as without it, I wouldn’t be able to stay in the country. After one year in this job my role got made redundant. This gave me 3 months to find a new sponsor or I’d have to leave the country. Despite wanting to be at home, I also didn't want to leave if that makes sense. I did everything I could to secure a new sponsor so I could stay in Australia with my girlfriend (within reason, paying through the nose for student visas just to stay wasn’t something I wanted to do). But there was to be no joy. No employer was willing to sponsor somebody without seeing you in action first. But the terms of the visa state that you can’t begin work until sponsorship has been approved. I actually managed to get down to the last 2 candidates for 2 different roles, but on both occasions the other person who was able to start the next day without a visa worry was chosen. My Visa expired in December 2013, I went home for Christmas, and then came back for 2 months on a holiday visa to say my goodbyes to all.

March 2014, the last week of my time in Australia was unbearable pain. Saying goodbye to all the things I had grown to love, all the things that had become so much part of my life. I was constantly crying all week long. It was tough. This was only the warm up act though to the main heartache. Saying goodbye to my girlfriend at the airport was the most heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. It was unbearable. The only thing that got me through that gate was the belief that I would see her again, as we agreed to try long distance.

Sadly the long distance didn't work. I couldn't get comfortable with the idea of living so far away permanently, and she is a complete home bird and made no effort to visit or move here, partly down to my hesitancy of wanting to settle in Australia. After 6 months of growing anxiety and ignoring the topic we faced it head on and broke up, after close to 3 years together. We were a great match, except for the one small but significant fact that we were both so close to our homes and families. This massive similarity was what split us up, due to geography, and nothing else.

I can rest knowing I couldn't really have done any more to stay in Australia, but to lose somebody who could well have been the love of my life is hard to take. I always had this idea in my head of the type of girl I wanted to marry, and she was as close to it as I’ve ever met. She really is a wonderful person, and it breaks my heart that I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with her. It took me 26 years to meet somebody like her, and there’s no guarantee I’ll meet somebody as great again.

I hadn’t spoken to her since the breakup last September. It's easier this way. But not many days go by where I don't think about her in some capacity. Then a few days ago she sent me a happy birthday message and I’ve relapsed again. Another real bad patch during this breakup healing process. I yearn to talk to her again, to tell her that I’m still madly in love with her, and how I still adore her lovely family to bits. I assume she still misses me just as much, and from a very brief message to her sister, to thank her for her own birthday wishes, I can see how much that her family love me. I’ll go back to no contact again. But I really get the feeling that I’ll never fully get over this heartbreak. Most people who meet the love of their life, don’t have their relationship harshly tested like we did. Had it not been for the geographical distance between our families, we’d still completely be together.

I’ve gone through some periods where I’d be fine. Have dated some women, but no spark. Then I’d go through really bad patches. 8 months on from the breakup, 14 months on from seeing her last, this is one of the worst bad patches so far. This process feels like it’s never ending. I feel lost right now and have lost my best friend. The thing is right now due to this intense pain I'm finding it hard to remember the pain I was going through with homesickness out there. When one problem is solved you forget the emotional trauma of it when it is replaced with a different pain. It just pains me so much that I won't get to spend my life with her, and I feel cursed that I had to make a choice that most people will never get to make, and our relationship was tested in a way that most others aren't. Some of the strongest bonds wouldn't survive the challenge we had to face.

scouser82

If people have any words of wisdom that might help me during this time, it would be greatly appreciated.

nikkibikki

Oh scouser, I was nearly in tears reading your last post. It really is so hard to know what to advise. I am more of a follow-your-heart type of girl but not sure if this would be the best course of action here. If you replied to her message saying something like "Thank you. I miss you." It will do either of two things. It could start things off again with ye and lead to her coming here for a year or 2 or you going there somehow. Or you could end up making a tit of yourself and find out how she has moved on with her life. I don't think anybody else will measure up to your ex in Oz until you get over her. And if the second thing above happens, as painful as that would be to go through, at least you'd know and it'll answer some of your what if questions. In my opinion, life is too short to waste it being miserable. Either ye are meant to be together or ye're not and the sooner you figure out which, the sooner you will be happy.

Good luck.

CaraMay

Op the fact that she didn't even visit you when you were here raises red flags for me. Has she ever come over to meet your family? It seems all very one sides to me.

Blue Iris

It's really sad for you that this has happened as you had such a close bond with her and her family. That is really hard to get over. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing, even though it has caused you such heartache. If she really was the right girl for you, she would have made some effort to come to Ireland to see what it was like and meet your family. That is the least you deserved and then you could have had the discussion about how to keep both of you feeling happy (even if the conclusion of this discussion was that that wasn't possible.)

In order to get over it, I think you need to have the philosophy that it wasn't meant to be a forever relationship. You were meant to meet and form a deep connection and love each other for a certain while but then you were meant to go in other directions. The relationship with her has taught you how good love can be and not to settle for something less. There's a song that says " love is just around the corner, standing out of view". It's a good line to remember as you hang on in there until you meet someone lovely with whom you may have an even deeper connection. Best of luck.

Matteroffact

You will find another girl and when you do you will have it all, the girl and the country. Nothing compares to having your family around you and that is something you would never get used to in Australia and while you are going through the pain of breaking up with the girl from Australia right now a lot of this is exacerbated by the fact that you don't have a good relationship going yet at home, this pain will ease in time.

Stavro Mueller

No matter how you tried, this was never going to work. I know of a couple of marriages (with kids, just to make things really messy) which have ended because both partners wanted to live in their own countries. The only way a relationship like this can work is if the person who moved is at peace with the idea of living in the other country. I think over time, the nagging in your mind would've undermined the relationship and you might even have started to resent your girlfriend for her refusal to move. I think it's a little sad that she wouldn't even come visit you here but that's a side note. In time the pain of this will fade. It is going to be harder to get over because the only reason for the break-up was the geographical issue. You're right to go back to no contact. For both your sakes.

scouser82

CaraMay wrote: »

Op the fact that she didn't even visit you when you were here raises red flags for me. Has she ever come over to meet your family? It seems all very one sides to me.

I don't want to make myself out to be some sort of victim here. It wasn't as simple as her just hopping on a plane. She absolutely would have loved to have met my family (they did over Skype a few times) and I have no doubt they would have got on so well. During the 2 years and 3 months we were together in person in Australia, I only went home twice. The first was 8 months into our relationship, so I would not have expected her to come that soon, and I was going home for the Olympics so it was something I had planned as a solo trip before I met her. The second time I went home was for Christmas in 2013, and it was fairly last minute as I had no idea what was going on with regards whether I would find a new sponsor or not, and she had already planned a trip around Asia with her friends for around that time too. Had I been able to stay in Australia and our relationship continued she definitely would have come back with me the next time.

With regards the 6 months of long distance, yes I was disappointed that she didn't try to arrange a trip over, but it wasn't as easy as that. She's 5 years younger than me. The age difference was never an issue. She is very mature for her age, partly down to her Italian heritage and family values, so not once did I feel like I was 5 years older than her during our relationship. However, because of the age difference she was still in University during our relationship, and around the time I was leaving, she got a job in her field, and was starting her career, so it wasn't easy for her to take 2-3 weeks off straight away. I think the stress of the situation and the uncertainty of what would happen with our relationship subconsciously prevented her from planning far ahead with regard trips, and the same for me. Her sister was getting married last December, and I wouldn't commit to flights months in advance.

With regards her coming to Ireland to spend a few years, at one point she was willing to do it, as long as we would go back and settle in Australia permanently. But as time went on she became very fearful of moving over to the other side of the world, giving up her job at the start of her career, when I could not give her a guarantee that I'd be happy to go back to Australia for good. She was worried that she'd spend 2-3 years in Ireland, and then I'd say that I wanted to stay here, and she'd go home heartbroken, after giving up a few years of her life. In the end of the day she didn't have the enthusiasm for living abroad. That's not the type of person she is. She's a family girl, and if she was any different I wouldn't have fallen in love with her the way I did.

CaraMay

At rate end of the day it's all about her though. Sorry op but this is a read end. You have to move on or you will waste your life.

scouser82

CaraMay wrote: »

At rate end of the day it's all about her though. Sorry op but this is a read end. You have to move on or you will waste your life.

I understand. But she was not a selfish person at all. She's probably the kindest, most selfless person I have ever met. She did so much for me. It was more a cultural thing. Her family had a huge influence over her, and in her culture, it was unthinkable for anybody to leave after their grandparents built a life for them during tough times. Migrant mentality.

Elessar

scouser82 wrote: »

I understand. But she was not a selfish person at all. She's probably the kindest, most selfless person I have ever met. She did so much for me. It was more a cultural thing. Her family had a huge influence over her, and in her culture, it was unthinkable for anybody to leave after their grandparents built a life for them during tough times. Migrant mentality.

Rose tinted glasses mate. If she was the "kindest, most selfless person you ever met", why did she not bother to fly over to see you?

Look, we've all been at this stage of a relationship. That she is literally perfect and everything that happened is your fault. But she isn't, and it's not. It sounds like you had a good time together but it sounded quite one sided at times (hers). I'm not making her out to be a bad person, but step back for a second and ask yourself what is such a big deal about flying over to you if she really wanted to?

Stavro Mueller

Got to agree with the person above me. I also would worry that you're turning her into an angel without wings in your mind. You knew from a long time back that this relationship was quite likely doomed because of the geography element. Perhaps that led you to idealise her a bit? I don't doubt that she was and is wonderful in many ways but she's probably becoming a flawless, unattainable being in your mind. No mortal Irish woman could ever attain such high standards.

scouser82

Elessar wrote: »

Rose tinted glasses mate. If she was the "kindest, most selfless person you ever met", why did she not bother to fly over to see you?

Look, we've all been at this stage of a relationship. That she is literally perfect and everything that happened is your fault. But she isn't, and it's not. It sounds like you had a good time together but it sounded quite one sided at times (hers). I'm not making her out to be a bad person, but step back for a second and ask yourself what is such a big deal about flying over to you if she really wanted to?

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Got to agree with the person above me. I also would worry that you're turning her into an angel without wings in your mind. You knew from a long time back that this relationship was quite likely doomed because of the geography element. Perhaps that led you to idealise her a bit? I don't doubt that she was and is wonderful in many ways but she's probably becoming a flawless, unattainable being in your mind. No mortal Irish woman could ever attain such high standards.

I know she is not perfect. She has her little flaws, just like I do. It would upset me to think that others would think of her as a selfish person when that isn't the type of person she is. Never in the day to day aspects of the relationship was it ever one sided. I'm not the type to let a woman walk all over me, and she didn't attempt to. We talked about everything, including this issue on many occasions. There was 100% mutual love and respect there. She said to me on a couple of occasions that if it wasn't for this geographical challenge and stress that it causes, it would be the most perfect relationship she could ever have hoped for. Her words, not mine. I know that she really saw herself marrying me.

The one big area that wasn't 50/50 was the issue of her coming to live in Ireland for awhile. She knew this, and I would say it to her a bit. She was fully aware that I expected her to spend a couple of years in Ireland to get to know my family, culture etc. She was willing to do this, but I wanted her to want to come for herself and not just for me, and certainly not just so we could full fill criteria to apply for de facto visa in Australia. I obviously didn't want her to be miserable on the other side of the world, so it was important for me that she developed the urge to live abroad all by herself. This was all while I was still working in Australia. Then I got made redundant which rushed everything along uncomfortably.

I said to her that I don't want to be the only one jumping through hoops, with regards visas as much as anything, in this relationship, and part of me would think why doesn't she just bite the bullet and do it. But over time I developed a deep understanding of her culture. Her family, parents in particular, have a massive influence over her. Had she moved abroad they wouldn't have been supportive, and would have tried talk her out of it. This is not to make them out to be bad people by the way, they are lovely kind people. It's just the way the migrant community down there thinks and it is no reflection on me.

She never had any desire to live abroad before she met me, and it became clear that she was going to be moving abroad not for her, but for us. But just like I kept getting that itch to settle in Ireland long term, she wanted to do likewise in Australia. Over time, the fact I couldn't guarantee that I'd want to go back, and that she deep down could tell my heart was a bit more in Ireland than it was in Melbourne (my heart was in 2 places at once), meant she was really petrified of moving abroad for a few years, and then me turning to her and saying that I ain't going back to Australia. This was a very legit concern. I didn't exactly sell it to her that well in that regard, and simply could not lie about my lack of certainty about wanting to come back to Australia, just to get her on the plane.

The fact she didn't come visit during the 6 months of long distance is merely a foot note. I was travelling Europe for the first month of that. She was still working her part time college job when I left, waiting to hear about her job which she applied for, which she got soon after. It was initially just a 6 month contract, which became a 3 year contract. Financially she couldn't come straight away and I understood that. After about 4 months when she was probably in a position to come over for a visit, the relationship was starting to strain under the stress of everything. We kept kicking the can down the road, instead of accepting we reached a stalemate and that a long term solution wasn't realistic. I think she got to a stage where she didn't see the point in visiting if it wasn't going to work out, and subconsciously she was probably thinking this towards the end. And I was the same with regards booking a trip out for her sister's wedding.

I definitely don't big her up in my head. I was well aware of certain things that I wished she would do. But most people here would not move to the other side of the world for a partner. It's hard to be angry at her for not doing something that most people wouldn't do.

Emsloe

You will get over it OP, it'll just take a while, probably a long while! The fact that you two were wrenched apart somewhat unexpectedly makes it a whole lot more difficult, as in your head/heart you feel that if you'd had more time the issue of where to live would have eventually been resolved and you would have enjoyed a long and happy life together either in Oz or here.

The reality is most likely it wouldn't have been resolved and you would have broken up anyway. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth. I've been there (twice!) and if neither of you can 'give in' happily then it's never going to work out long term. That doesn't mean you're bad people or bad together, but if you're unable to compromise to a stage where you're both happy then it's not a question of if it's going to break down, it's a question of when.

Most of us have our 'one that got away' or 'right person wrong time' and plenty of us go on to have lasting relationships with other people. I remember mine fondly, and think how different my life might have been if I'd stayed/moved or circumstances had fallen into line for us. But circumstances didn't and we've all moved on and we're all ok! You will be too. Don't wish your life away.

The Princess Bride

Having read your original post, it seemed clear back then that the issues in your then short term relationship, were never going to be resolved.
So I think it's rather sad, to see you posting almost 3 years later, broken hearted having had a longer relationship which was clearly never going to progress anyway.

scouser82 wrote: »

Her family, parents in particular, have a massive influence over her. Had she moved abroad they wouldn't have been supportive, and would have tried talk her out of it. This is not to make them out to be bad people by the way, they are lovely kind people. It's just the way the migrant community down there thinks and it is no reflection on me.

I am a parent, while I love my children and would hate to think of any of them living permanently on the other side of the world, I would never stop them going, or discourage them from being happy wherever.
That's beyond selfish.

Back to you.
You had a fall backwards when you received that contact for your birthday.
You both need to move on without any contact.
Yes, it'll be hard, but looking back and wondering will only make you miserable.
Life is for living, you're young and you have to put your energy and passion into your todays and tomorrows.
A lot of us here have had heartbreak in relationships, have thought we'd never move on-but time is a great healer.

Best of luck.

Flippyfloppy

scouser82 wrote: »

But most people here would not move to the other side of the world for a partner. It's hard to be angry at her for not doing something that most people wouldn't do.

You'd be surprised. I don't mean to sound cliche but if you really want it to happen you'd make it. I was up to something entirely different when I met my OH. I dropped everything and havent looked back.

The thing is, although it does sound you like you both have stronger family ties than most, especially your Ex, when you meet 'the one' it's about making your own family unit. Be it just the two of you, or with kids or pets....it doesn't really matter to a certain extent because you're willing to make sacrifices and make things work. For example, just when you're ex was finishing college might not have been the best time to expect her to move to a country in a recession. Yet when she was worried that you may not return to Australia after her moving to Ireland with you you really should have been able to absolutely guarantee her that you would keep your part of the deal. That trust should have carried you both through.

Perhaps contact her again and see where's she at, or you will doubt it forever. If you find an excuse to not contact her just get out there and date. Meet loads of women , she can't be the only good one out there.

CaraMay

Op you knew at the start that it wouldn't work so the mistake you made was letting it go on for 3 years. If it was a strong enough relationship toy would not have broken up - people do long distance for years yet ye barely managed 6 months.

You can wallow for the rest of your life and think there is no one like her but there are plenty of girls like her and better.

You don't seem to want to hear others viewpoints so I result don't see what benefit people's replies are to you

scouser82

CaraMay wrote: »

Op you knew at the start that it wouldn't work so the mistake you made was letting it go on for 3 years. If it was a strong enough relationship toy would not have broken up - people do long distance for years yet ye barely managed 6 months.

You can wallow for the rest of your life and think there is no one like her but there are plenty of girls like her and better.

You don't seem to want to hear others viewpoints so I result don't see what benefit people's replies are to you

I'm very happy to hear all the different viewpoints and appreciate all input. I'm just very emotional right now. I hope I don't come across as not appreciative of people's input. I'm just trying to explain the situation as best I can, as there is a lot to explain, and it wasn't a simple situation.

I don't for a second regret going for the 3 years though. I know I would have regret not giving it a real go, which is what I did. I really tried to get comfortable with the idea of settling in Melbourne, but I couldn't, despite the fact I loved Melbourne. (And I do miss Melbourne). Had I called it quits after 6-9 months I'd be a different person, and would always have wondered. And I had an amazing time in Melbourne, and have so many friends there, which would not have happened had I gone home earlier. So I definitely don't see any of it as a mistake, but rather a life experience with so many wonderful moments, which ultimately led to heartbreak.

CaraMay

Heartbreak = life experience but that experience is behind you unless you are willing to move to oz again.

beks101

Hey OP,

Wow this thread was a blast from the past.

Even reading my own responses, threw me right back to when I also lived on the other side of the world. The guy I was with at the time. Jaysus. I was mad about him, absolutely thought this was it. However, I never envisaged spending the rest of my life in Canada - in my gut I knew I’d never call it “home” - and my ex was far too attached to his own Canadian life to ever considering relocating. We broke up a few months after I wrote those posts.

I moved home about a year later and ended up in London a few months after that. I met another guy whom I’d follow to the end of the earth if he had to leave the UK in the morning. He could relocate to Mars and I’d follow him without a moment’s hesitance. If he had visa issues, I’d move anywhere, everywhere til we found somewhere we could be together. He could join ISIS and move to Raqqa and I’d probably don a burqa and stand right behind him. Or maybe not. But you get my drift. I thought I’d never get over the other fella, it destroyed my confidence and sanity for the best part of a year. But when it came to it, neither of us were willing to compromise. I had my scene and he had his and we had a lovely time together but ultimately that sacrifice was a step too far for either of us, and that was totally OK.

Sometimes you meet someone and everything is right and perfect and the feelings are like nothing you’ve ever experienced, but life gets in the way. Emotions aside, you knew then and you still know that Melbourne and a world away from your family and friends for the rest of your days is not the kind of life you want. Nor is it for her.

Read those initial posts you wrote again if you’re unclear about that. You agonized and agonized and then left for a reason. For several reasons. You just seem to have lost sight of those reasons through this flood of emotions, perhaps because you never truly had closure. You left Melbourne, but took her with you in your head, in your heart, and waited for a miracle to happen so that you would resume your life together again. And it never happened. Of course it never happened. You probably talked around in circles for the length of your relationship, left without really resolving anything and then reality hit with a slap in the face and things were over before either of you were willing to accept that they were.

My burning question on reading your post was - what’s life like for you now? Have you fully settled back into Irish life? How are things socially - have you reconnected with your family and friends, are you getting out and about, meeting new people, seeing new places? How’s your professional life? Are you doing something you love, or are you just getting by in a dead-end job?

I think the readjustment of being a returned emigrant can provoke so many confusing emotions, it can make you feel as though you don’t ‘belong’ anywhere. It can introduce you to those rose-tinted glasses, where you forget the reality of life abroad and just think of the best, happiest times. The facebook pictures of you smiling, the sun shining. You forget the hardship. I do it too. I’m 30 and I still pine for that year I spent in California when I was 22. The best friend that I left behind and haven’t seen since.

It still hurts. It hurts most when I lose the balance in my life, when I feel lonely and vulnerable and miserable and disconnected to my surroundings. When I haven’t seen my friends for weeks and haven’t been spending any time with family or my boyfriend and have been just getting lost in a rat race that I feel like I would never willingly choose. But I did choose it. And I chose it for a reason - because I can’t imagine a life without proximity to all of the people I love, and that make me, me. I didn’t want to miss any more weddings. I didn’t want - touch wood - something to happen to someone I love and for me to live the rest of my life in regret. I didn’t want to miss out on my cousins and my friends’ kids growing up. I didn’t want to become a stranger to everyday things that I know and love. I didn’t want to spend my life seeking out the other Irish person in the room because they were the only person who really understood.

So, yeah. I’ll quit rambling. I don’t think this is going to become any easier for you until you fall in love with your new life now. As someone else said - NOW is what is important. Whether you’re prepared to face up to it or not - you gave up your new world Down Under, including this woman, for what you have now, and it’s time to focus on that because in your heart of hearts, I don’t think that is going to change.

Dating will suck for the next while. Dating sucks anyways…! (GOD I don’t miss it) It’s going to be very difficult to not put this woman on a pedestal while you’re meeting a bunch of ‘meh’ women that you can’t be bothered with, but the only other option is to either wallow in self-pity for the rest of your days or to chase after the past, when nothing has changed for you or your ex-girlfriend and will offer you nothing but more headfcuk, more pain.

You need to step into your own life now and stop hiding behind the pain. Breakups happen because two people are not committed to doing what it takes to be together, despite the fact that there is always a way. And they happen every day. And people fall apart, and die a little on the inside, and lose their minds, and - especially when it’s a first love - they become the ‘one that got away’ in a sense for the rest of their days. But you get through it and you learn a hell of a lot about yourself in the process. You learn what your boundaries and your dealbreakers are. You learn about what to look for again. You learn about when to walk away.

scouser82

beks101 wrote: »

<modsnip for mobile users.>

Hi beks1,

Thank you so much for your very helpful message. I really appreciate the thought you put into it. I remember you being very helpful with regards this a few years ago so it is great to hear from you again. I'll write back to it when I get a chance later.

LegacyUser

I've just read this thread.
I can't offer huge words of wisdom. But I will say that in a relationship of people from 2 different countries, I think one person will always have to compromise. It may not feel like a compromise to them, in that they might be quite happy to settle to suit the other person - but it is a compromise, if it leaves them far away from family and friends. Clearly neither of you were willing to compromise - and do you know what - that's ok. It was a very tough decision to make.
I'm sure you've heard of the 5 stages of grieving. In a sense, you are grieving OP. I think I've heard (though I've nothing to back it up) that a year - 18 months is the hardest time in a way. You're right in the middle of that period, aren't you? Bear that in mind. Don't be too hard on yourself.
Finally, I'll end with a happy story. A close family member was going out with a European for 5 years. It was a really really strong relationship, talked about the future all the time. They lived here in Dublin, lived together for 2 of the 5 years. And they broke up after 5 years together - neither was willing to stay in the other's country long-term. 2 years after the break up, he met somebody (in his own country) and around the same time, she met somebody (in her own country). Both are now happily married (within less than 2 years), one with a baby and one with a baby on the way now. You really never do know what life will hold for you, and both met their other halves through absolute chance encounters. You will recover from this, although I know it seems now like it will never happen. You will probably always miss Australia, on and off, but it will get better.
Good luck!

identer

You two need to sit down and talk about this. Girls to me are very strange. My bestfriend is dating a girl whose former social/ interview dislike is LONGDISTANCE, now they are both long distancing it now for about a year 4 months now.
So do not speak for her. Have the convo and see were it all leads to.

Flippyfloppy

identer wrote: »

You two need to sit down and talk about this. Girls to me are very strange. My bestfriend is dating a girl whose former social/ interview dislike is LONGDISTANCE, now they are both long distancing it now for about a year 4 months now.
So do not speak for her. Have the convo and see were it all leads to.

That's a bit of a generalisation. All girls are strange? The OP and his ex did try long distance and it didn't work out.

identer

@ ff my girls theory is based on my own view, not speaking for any other soul.
And for the longdistance here is just and example that support my "girl strange" theory which need no convincing.
Thanks and Cheers.

Flippyfloppy

identer wrote: »

@ ff my girls theory is based on my own view, not speaking for any other soul.
And for the longdistance here is just and example that support my "girl strange" theory which need no convincing.
Thanks and Cheers.

So the girl is strange because she didn't want to try long distance and now has been doing it for 16 months?

identer

I do not think my thoughts is any of your concern....
Maybe you need me to break it down for you. Yesterday you hated apple, today i offered it to you and you ate it joyfully..how isn't that strange?.
Cheers.

scouser82

beks101 wrote: »

Hey OP,

Wow this thread was a blast from the past.

Even reading my own responses, threw me right back to when I also lived on the other side of the world. The guy I was with at the time. Jaysus. I was mad about him, absolutely thought this was it. However, I never envisaged spending the rest of my life in Canada - in my gut I knew I’d never call it “home” - and my ex was far too attached to his own Canadian life to ever considering relocating. We broke up a few months after I wrote those posts.

I moved home about a year later and ended up in London a few months after that. I met another guy whom I’d follow to the end of the earth if he had to leave the UK in the morning. He could relocate to Mars and I’d follow him without a moment’s hesitance. If he had visa issues, I’d move anywhere, everywhere til we found somewhere we could be together. He could join ISIS and move to Raqqa and I’d probably don a burqa and stand right behind him. Or maybe not. But you get my drift. I thought I’d never get over the other fella, it destroyed my confidence and sanity for the best part of a year. But when it came to it, neither of us were willing to compromise. I had my scene and he had his and we had a lovely time together but ultimately that sacrifice was a step too far for either of us, and that was totally OK.

Sometimes you meet someone and everything is right and perfect and the feelings are like nothing you’ve ever experienced, but life gets in the way. Emotions aside, you knew then and you still know that Melbourne and a world away from your family and friends for the rest of your days is not the kind of life you want. Nor is it for her.

Read those initial posts you wrote again if you’re unclear about that. You agonized and agonized and then left for a reason. For several reasons. You just seem to have lost sight of those reasons through this flood of emotions, perhaps because you never truly had closure. You left Melbourne, but took her with you in your head, in your heart, and waited for a miracle to happen so that you would resume your life together again. And it never happened. Of course it never happened. You probably talked around in circles for the length of your relationship, left without really resolving anything and then reality hit with a slap in the face and things were over before either of you were willing to accept that they were.

My burning question on reading your post was - what’s life like for you now? Have you fully settled back into Irish life? How are things socially - have you reconnected with your family and friends, are you getting out and about, meeting new people, seeing new places? How’s your professional life? Are you doing something you love, or are you just getting by in a dead-end job?

I think the readjustment of being a returned emigrant can provoke so many confusing emotions, it can make you feel as though you don’t ‘belong’ anywhere. It can introduce you to those rose-tinted glasses, where you forget the reality of life abroad and just think of the best, happiest times. The facebook pictures of you smiling, the sun shining. You forget the hardship. I do it too. I’m 30 and I still pine for that year I spent in California when I was 22. The best friend that I left behind and haven’t seen since.

It still hurts. It hurts most when I lose the balance in my life, when I feel lonely and vulnerable and miserable and disconnected to my surroundings. When I haven’t seen my friends for weeks and haven’t been spending any time with family or my boyfriend and have been just getting lost in a rat race that I feel like I would never willingly choose. But I did choose it. And I chose it for a reason - because I can’t imagine a life without proximity to all of the people I love, and that make me, me. I didn’t want to miss any more weddings. I didn’t want - touch wood - something to happen to someone I love and for me to live the rest of my life in regret. I didn’t want to miss out on my cousins and my friends’ kids growing up. I didn’t want to become a stranger to everyday things that I know and love. I didn’t want to spend my life seeking out the other Irish person in the room because they were the only person who really understood.

So, yeah. I’ll quit rambling. I don’t think this is going to become any easier for you until you fall in love with your new life now. As someone else said - NOW is what is important. Whether you’re prepared to face up to it or not - you gave up your new world Down Under, including this woman, for what you have now, and it’s time to focus on that because in your heart of hearts, I don’t think that is going to change.

Dating will suck for the next while. Dating sucks anyways…! (GOD I don’t miss it) It’s going to be very difficult to not put this woman on a pedestal while you’re meeting a bunch of ‘meh’ women that you can’t be bothered with, but the only other option is to either wallow in self-pity for the rest of your days or to chase after the past, when nothing has changed for you or your ex-girlfriend and will offer you nothing but more headfcuk, more pain.

You need to step into your own life now and stop hiding behind the pain. Breakups happen because two people are not committed to doing what it takes to be together, despite the fact that there is always a way. And they happen every day. And people fall apart, and die a little on the inside, and lose their minds, and - especially when it’s a first love - they become the ‘one that got away’ in a sense for the rest of their days. But you get through it and you learn a hell of a lot about yourself in the process. You learn what your boundaries and your dealbreakers are. You learn about what to look for again. You learn about when to walk away.

You speak so much sense. It really helps to read this, particularly given you have gone through a very similar situation, experienced similar anxieties and emotions from the whole process of living abroad, contemplating a life away from Ireland, and ultimately the pain of having to break up with a partner.

It can be easy during the grieving process of a breakup to lose sight of how I was feeling when I was out in Melbourne. While I had an incredible experience out there, I was also anxious quite frequently about the elephant in the room with regards me settling there for good. We kept putting it off to a degree. We'd talk about it a good bit, but would always go around in circles, solve nothing, then awhile later have the same conversation again. As she put it, we reached a stalemate.

I do really miss Melbourne, despite the fact that at times I would get sick of certain elements of it, due probably to my homesickness. I'm probably looking at the place through rose-tinted glasses now, and there were many things that pissed me off about Australia (it's got its pros and cons like everywhere), but it is a city which has a special place in my heart. Granted, much of my experience there can be linked to my ex, but I was also heavily involved in a particular sport, and through that made so many local friends, people I would have met regardless of whether I had a girlfriend or not. For that reason, I'd like to think I could go back to Melbourne at some point in the future to visit them, and reminisce on so many wonderful memories. But at the moment it is way too soon. I'm terrified that everything in the city would remind me of my ex. I want to get to a stage where I can separate my love for Melbourne, and all the great experiences I had and friends I made, from all the great experiences I had with my ex-girlfriend. At the moment they feel interlinked. But I don't want to hide away from ever going back there again. The place has become a massive part of my life, and I don't want to blank it out.

In some ways I probably should let go a little more than I have. I still check results of the sport's club I was a part of, send a few emails to some of them, but is this really such a bad thing? A good friend of mine down there said to me about a month before I left "don't forget about those you will be leaving behind" and these words stuck with me, so I've wanted to stay in touch with certain people, rather than disappearing away from people who played an important part in my life. I guess it's about finding the right balance on how to do this.

I guess I am going through a grieving process right now, and it hits me in intense stages. I could be fine for awhile, then awful for awhile. I've been fortunate to not have suffered a death of a close loved one, so this has felt like the worst thing that has happened to me, which I guess makes it feel worse than it could be.

How is life in Ireland right now? Well, it's reasonably good, but I still don't feel settled. I've been home 13 months now, but the first 6 months of that I was doing long distance, so mentally I had no real chance of settling during that time as I still had no clue where I'd be living long term. So it's only been the last 7 months where I've been able to try get my life together. It hasn't been easy. I've kept really busy with the sport that I'm involved in, and joined a club the minute I got back, 13 months ago. But work was tough enough. I had a few periods of unemployment, but I'm in a 6 month fixed term contract now. Over the last year I've also been sitting my exams to become qualified, which I should be done with soon hopefully. But I don't love my career. I don't feel like it is really me. However, an opportunity has presented itself where I may be able to make a complete career change into something I would absolutely love, if I am successful with the application. If I don't get the role I would be gutted, and it will make things harder to switch professions, but I will keep seeking out the opportunities to move career. It can be challenging to do though.

I turned 30 recently and feel like I'm going through a bit of a quarter life crisis to a degree. I suppose that's natural. I don't feel old though, I'm in the best shape of my life physically.

It is great being around family and old friends again. Not just being with them, but also by just knowing that if I want to see them I can just walk into the next room or whatever, rather than paying through the nose for a 25 hour flight. Just knowing they are there is as important as anything. I guess the fact I've been away from them so long though has made me very slow about moving out of home. The rental market here is very difficult at the moment, and I did find somewhere eventually, but it ended up not being suitable, so I had to cancel it.

So there are great things about my life right now, but also areas I wish were better. I guess it's all part of the slow process of getting settled again.

MunkieMagik

Hey Scouser,

Just coming across this thread a few months since you last posted. You may not see this reply, but though I'd fire it up in case you did.

First off, I hope that heart of yours is healing, brother. It's a gut-wrenching experience to live through.

For what it's worth, I'm in the midst of being put through the same wringer as you were and thought I'd throw this post up (1) to let you know you're not alone and that I feel your pain, (2) in case anyone else in a similar situation comes across this thread (I know I did), and (3) to give a cathartic vent to my own current strife. Apologies for the length, but it's impossible for me to reduce one of life's more profound experiences to pithy little sound bites.

For my part, I've been with my current Australian girlfriend for 6 years. While I'm still relatively young-ish (31), it's not the first serious, long-term relationship I've had in the my twenties. And even though I've already been through the heartache that comes with the end of a deeply involved and loving relationship before, knowing from experience that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that we do go on to love fully and unconditionally again does not make it any easier the second time.

Here's my story (for what it's worth), and hopefully you can find some comfort in knowing that when we suffer in love, we never suffer alone.

Met my Aussie gf 6 years ago when she had just moved to Dublin for a year on a wh visa - we had a common friend from Adelaide who was living in Dublin at the time. Almost immediately I knew there was something quite special about her (for me anyway) - and, to my delight, the feeling turned out to be mutual. She was very different to any other girl I had previously dated or tried (unsuccessfully) to date. She was about as far from "my type" (but I hate that way of seeing things anyway, tbh) as possible. And I think that was the point - I had typically fallen for/dated very outgoing girls with whom I had an immediate chemistry, yet here was a very friendly but much more laid back and reserved girl, but who happened to be just about the sweetest, kindest and most gentle person I had ever laid eyes on. It was quite a different feeling to anything I had experienced to that point. It wasn't about an immediate chemistry, it wasn't that we were so similar (we're about as different as you can imagine, but, crucially, have a very strong connection on values and what matters to us in life); it was a deeper and more profound sense of peace that I found with her; a peace that has endured to this day. In a nutshell, in so many ways we each bring what the other needs to the table; not necessarily what we first thought we wanted, but (and I 'm sure of it after 6 years) what we each need.

Fast forward 18 months from when we started dating in Dublin and her visa expired (her options for staying at the time were very limited). So we decided she would return to Australia and we would give long-distance a shot, with me intending to make the move out here once I had finished all my professional exams and training in Ireland. We survived the 14 months long distance without too much drama (I made one trip to Adelaide half way through), and the relative ease of that period only confirmed for us that there was something very special there.

So after the 14 months apart, 4 years ago I packed my bags and headed for Australia. Luckily, I managed to fall upstairs and landed a sponsored job in my industry. Happy days! No more visa worries! We also moved in together as soon as I arrived.

So here I am; living together with my gf for 4 years, working in a steady, sponsored job the whole time and having made some great Australian friends to boot - all of which is making my present situation a much more heavy hearted affair. And similar to you, Scouser, my gf's family are just about the nicest people you could meet - they have felt like my second family since the moment I met them, and my own parents even said the same thing unprompted when her parents visited Ireland last year!

However, much like you, I've always had those concerns about the longer term issues of who will settle where pottering around in the back of my mind. It's not that she is adverse to living in Ireland again, but I'm extremely conscious that if we decided to have children, it is far easier on the girl to be near to her family and friends, particularly when kids are young, so I have to be realistic about her seeming lack of aversion to relocating. And in any case, I know she would rather be in Australia if/when children arrive.

Unfortunately, while I feel very settled out here in Australia, part of my heart remains in Ireland with family and friends. I'm also very conscious that after 6 years together we simply have to reach a resolution so that we can both start thinking about, and planning for, the longer term.

Basically, I've spent the best part of the last year trying to figure out what the hell to do about it all! I'm here in this fantastic country, living with and in love with the most wonderful person; but at this moment in time I just can't seem to definitively commit to staying here long term. After a good year of beating my head off the wall trying to figure it all out, I've come to the realisation that as much as I don't want to uproot my life once again and move back home, if I don't do it, I am only baking a whole host of 'what ifs' into my cake, and I will eventually have to chew on them later down the line. Basically, it's not that this is a decision I want to make (I don't), it's that it's a decision I feel I can't not make in the longer term (if that makes sense).

I've been openly discussing this with my gf the whole time (which, as other posters have noted, is crucial to ensuring the hard decisions are not quite as traumatic as they could be), and we've both decided that the time is right for me to move back home to Ireland for a while to let the dust settle and see if anything becomes a little clearer with some enforced time and space.

We've also decided that it's probably best if we step back from our relationship for that time so that any period of reflection is not unnecessarily held hostage to emotion and the pining for one another that will inevitably follow frequent phone calls, Skype sessions etc.

But still I'm sitting here utterly heart broken about what I know will follow shortly. I have days where I will be happily preparing dinner for the two of us and will end up in tears at the thought that this may be one of the last meals we eat together. It's bloody hard living with a person who you love fully and unconditionally, knowing that in 3 months time you will part ways and that (because of the distance involved), there is a very real chance that we will never again see one another in the flesh; never again feel our arms around one another; never again wake up early to those few minutes when you watch the other sleeping with a smile on your face and love in your heart. At least when you break up with someone from the same country/town, it's not likely to be the last you ever see of them (although I know that can cause issues for a lot of people too).

In short, like you, I'm devastated about having to do this. Not only do I have to pack up all my possessions and move back across the world, move back in with my parents (as much as I love them...uggghhh), find a job and in many ways inch closer back toward square one, I am walking away from the great love of my life (to date anyway) for the privilege of going through all that hassle. It's almost nauseating at times, but I simply can't see any other way forward.

And the worst part is that I know that it's only going to get more intense and emotionally fraught over the next 12 weeks. We're both trying to keep level heads and constantly discuss the fact that this is the right and sensible thing to do, but still, the heart wants what the heart wants, and no amount of reason or logic will ever satiate those desires.

And the worst part of it all is that there are no right or wrong answers in these affairs - you simply pays your money and you takes your choice! If it helps, scouser, in my experience I have found that it's almost better to fully embrace the misery and heartache; to feel that visceral and physical blow it lands on you; to embrace the hurt. At least you know that at that moment you are as alive as you are ever likely to be; you are truly feeling the experience of your life, not just thinking it. One of the nicer upsides (at least in my experience) to embracing the pain without resisting or trying to fight against it is that it can leave you quite stripped of our more egotistical human impulses; that need to feel in control can seem quite trivial when the bottom of your world falls out. Pay attention to that feeling, and allow it to be what it is, because in many ways it is when we are at our best and most alive.

Anyway, the above is a very long way of saying you're not alone, and when all seems lost, don't panic, and certainly don't regret the experience. They are the experiences that form us, open us up and in many cases heal us, even if they are not forever after.

Hope you're starting to feel better.

Peace

MM

scouser82

MunkieMagik wrote: »

Hey Scouser, <SNIP>

Hi MM,

I've just seen this message now. Thanks so much for sharing your experience and I hope you and your girlfriend can find a way to make it work.

Just to let you know I've sent you a PM, in case you don't login to boards, but read this thread.

dudara

@scouser82 - please note that the sending or soliciting of PMs in matters related to PI/RI is strictly forbidden.

dudara