Scared to ask if babies are in our future?

LegacyUser

Hi all!

I'm 24 years old. Generally speaking, I'm very lucky in life at the moment. I've a job I love, myself and those I care about are all fit and healthy and I'm madly in love with a wonderful man.

I've been with my OH for 2 years. From the first day we met, we just clicked. We moved in together after just 3 months and everything is working out brilliantly. However, lately, I find myself feeling very worried about our future, and having children to be specific.

He's 11 years older than I am, and has 2 children from a previous relationship. They're great kids, aged 11 and 9. We had to move away from the county where the children are for work, but he still sees them regularly.

Maybe it was my age, but I had always thought I didn't want my own children. A view that had been expressed to my OH, and agreed with. Lately, I find myself thinking "Yeah...One day I want to have one..." My partner has been quite assertive that he's done with the baby-raising and has no wishes to ever have more.

We haven't really discussed my new found maternal feelings, and it's mostly that I'm scared. I'm not really sure of what.. I know that if I DO want a child, it's because I want HIM to be the father, so I would never break up with him over this.

I'm in no position to have a child any time soon, maybe in another 3/4 years. But then, he'll be nearly 40 and probably less inclined to want a child! Because I know it wouldn't be for a few years, I've been hesitant in bringing the topic up, as it's irrelevant at the moment!

I'm partly coming here for advice on how to proceed, and partly to vent. I'm on a new pill that has completely screwed my hormones around. I was recently working in a maternity unit and assisted on a birth, and since then, I cant get babies off my mind and I've been crying all the time and my head is wrecked.

I know this is fairly low on a scale of problems, but thanks for reading.

LittleBook

On the one hand it would be easy to postpone this conversatin (that you MUST have with your partner) because you don't want a baby now and you're not even sure yourself if you want one because of your recent experiences and hormonal changes.

On the other hand, if you realise that you truly do want to have a baby then the sooner that conversation is had the better. It's not fair on either of you to go deeper and deeper into this relationship if something so fundamental has changed. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's "irrelevant" right now.

My heart goes out to you ... you're between a rock and a hard place. You want a baby (assuming this is really the case) but only because you want him to be the father and he clearly doesn't want another baby.

I don't see the harm in sharing your recent experiences with him (attending the birth, hormonal changes) and discussing these new feelings ... rather than discussing the possibility of having a baby in the future, if you see what I mean.

At the very least it will give you both a chance to update each other on this issue, it could help clarify your own feelings and it will make his position clear as crystal.

Until you know what are your own true feelings on this issue, how it will affect your relationship is impossible to figure out.

Good luck!

Fiona

You just need to say it out straight to him.

Any new relationship i get into I tell the man straight away that I don't want kids so they know what they are getting themselves into, I don't believe in wasting my own or other peoples time.

The worst thing in the world is to deny another person the right to become a parent so I just never let it get that far where people will get hurt.

I left my first fiance as he wanted kids and I didn't. Lesson learnt the very hard way.

Beruthiel

Future_Mama? wrote: »

My partner has been quite assertive that he's done with the baby-raising and has no wishes to ever have more.

When I met my now hubby, I told him very early on in our relationship that I had no intention of having any more children (I already had one from a previous relationship). And if he had any hopes for having them in the future, he should walk away now.
I saw no point going into a long term relationship with someone who was on a different page to me. I knew myself very well on this issue and there would be no changing my mind, for anyone.
Do not continue a relationship with this man if you are sure you want children. Do not think that you can get him to change his mind at some point in the future. If he is as sure as I am, there will be no changing it.

I'm afraid you will have to discuss it with him so that ye both know where you stand.

Big Bag of Chips

What are you "scared" of? I always think that your partner is the one person in your life that you should be able to discuss anything with.

Even sometimes when we might not like the answer, we should still be able to talk things through.

If you can't be honest with him, then your relationship isn't "comfortable". I also think, if he is as wonderful as you think, and loves you as much as you love him, he'd be upset that you felt "scared" to talk to him about this.

Not wanting to sound patronising, but you are young. Early 20s I definitely didn't want children either. Discussed it briefly with my bf (who became my husband) he also agreed he didn't want kids. He had one already... and by the time I was 30, we had 3 very much wanted children. Life changes. People change their minds, and as we get older things that didn't seem important to.us when we were young can change priority and become very very important.

Your bf wouldn't want you to be going through this turmoil on your own, thinking you can't or shouldn't say it to him..

Neyite

Its not going to be an easy chat, but it has to be better than sitting around worrying about this being your "final" chat if you know what I mean.

Relationships change and evolve, and people change with them, just like you have gradually come to the realisation that you would like children in your future, he may have gotten gradually less rigid about having one with you or not. When my partner and I initally got together, a pregnancy would have been his worst nightmare but as I got increasingly broody, he took seriously on board what I was feeling, and re-evaluated his feelings too - luckily for me, he decided to try for a family with me. You just dont know until you ask him.

Its not going to come as a massive surprise to him that a woman in her mid twenties is seriously thinking about potential motherhood. We are programmed to do so (whether we decide its for us or not)

I think your best approach is as Littlebook described: open up a conversation explaining your recent experiences and how its giving you new feelings towards motherhood, and its something on your mind recently, that you know how he feels on the issue, and its confusing and upsetting you.

If he loves you, irrespective of your differing stances, he will be concerned that something is on your mind that is upsetting you. It may very well be that it spells the beginning of the end, or he may very well surprise you. You wont know until you talk to him.

silly

You need to ask him.
My sister is just after finding out her partner of 3/4 yrs doesnt want kids. She's 31 and they will most probably break up because of this.
She is devastated because she is head over heels in love, but she really wants kids.

lazygal

I agree you need to ask him. Children aren't really something you can compromise on, one you have one, its there and not going anywhere. My husband and I had the kids chat (initiated by him) after a few months of dating. I was a couple of years older than you but had seen other friends devastated that a long term partner didn't want to have or wasn't sure about having kids. I've also seen how difficult it can be to conceive and how long it can take some couples to have a family. It would have been a total deal breaker if my husband didn't want children and vice versa, he broke up with his girlfriend before he met me as she didn't want children.
I know you're still young but you don't know whether it'll be easy or difficult to conceive when you start trying for a baby. I know someone who has been trying since she was 20 (i.e. a prime 'fertile' age) and at 30 is still trying, having had loads of tests and treatment. I know someone else who had to wait until her husband was ready, at the age of 35, to start trying, she was 34 and has had no luck, she really regrets leaving it so long. Don't gamble with your fertility because you're afraid to have a chat, if this is someone you plan on a life with you need to be able to talk about these things.

leeroybrown

Future_Mama? wrote: »

I know this is fairly low on a scale of problems, but thanks for reading.

I think this might be a far bigger problem than you think. If you leave this issue lying then you might find in a few years time that your heart (and biological clock) is set of having a family of your own and end up in a position where you've to make a choice between him and that chance of a family. A guy in his mid 20's is quite likely to change his mind about having kids as he gets older but a guy in his mid 30's who's already had two is a completely different prospect. Even if you put this off you'll have to address it at some stage.

Piliger

I don't any major problem in this post at all - OP.

I can see you're nervous and this is a new feeling that has arrived in your life.

The thing here is to not over react. Yes you do indeed need to raise the subject with him. But you have time ! he is only 35 ... and that is NOT old for a guy to be a father again.

The thing I think you need to avoid is making a big deal of it suddenly. That will make him think it is a sudden big deal. You should raise it gently as part of conversation about children, and maybe when you are visiting some people with a new baby ... if he has any kind of emotional intelligence, and I have no reason to think he doesn't, he should cop on pretty quick. Give him a bit of time to respond and to mull on it over a period of a few months imho.

If he reacts badly then you will have to deal with that. But again, you have lots of time. Often a guy will react very negatively at one stage and warm to it over a period. We are not black and white people.

I hear what others have said about saying straight up they don't want children. Well I am 50+ now and I have encountered several cases (actually quite a few) where people have had this view and have changed their minds five years later. Life is like that ! We change. We go though phases and we come out of phases.

So in closing, I would say to you that you have time. You are still very young and he is only 35 ! LOL ..... it makes me smile. I got married at 27, and became a father at 35/36. My lad is 19 now and doing the leaving. I'd seriously consider having another kid if I met the right lady (Got divorced recently..)

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you all very much for your replies. I bit the bullet when the opportunity presented itself (babies came up in conversation!).

It will be discussed again when we both feel it's time for a more in depth talk, but my mind is at ease now, I had no reason to feel worried!

Thanks again, and sorry for wasting time!! Thread can be closed mods!

Piliger

That is the best news I don't see it as a waste of time at all.

Best of luck.