Siblings haven't given us a wedding gift-final straw?

LegacyUser

It's a year since we married and none of our siblings have given us a gift. Now, this might seem selfish on our part but they keep mentioning how they have to get us something, asking us what we'd like and we've made suggestions but nothing, not even a card from any of them. We are the first to have birthday cards and gifts for people and spent a lot on a specific gift requested by one sibling when he married. We're always giving gifts for christenings, house warmings, never turn up empty handed for dinner etc. It just seems really rotten that it never seems to be reciprocated.
The wedding gift thing is the final straw. I hate to sound petty but they keep bringing it up and have been told what we'd like or to get us a general voucher. I feel we are quite good to our siblings but lately i've noticed how we never get anything back. My husband is regularly called upon to help out his younger brother, yet when we needed help others were 'busy'. Should we pull back a bit? Are we a soft touch? I know relationships are about give and take but right now it seems we do all the giving and others are happy to keep taking.

solerina

I think its incredibly mean to turn up to an event empty handed, if you dont have a lot of money you can at least bring a card /bake a cake....the fact that a year has gone by means that if they were in difficulty financially that they could have saved up a little every week and had something to give you by now, I would imagine that ye wont be getting anything to be honest. If it was me I know I would stop being available/helping them out constantly and would definately stop giving gifts and cards.....see how they like it !!! (petty maybe, but why should ye bother when they dont).

Big Bag of Chips

When they ask, how do you respond? As in, do you shrug it off and pretend you're not bothered, or do you let them know you're a bit annoyed.?

Next time someone mentions "we still need to get you something" just say "so you keep saying" and let the awkwardness and silence hang for a minute. Or else say nothing at all, and let the awkwardness hang...

username123

My in laws, parents and brother and sister in laws, made quite the song and dance about getting us a wedding present, and then never did. Now that I think of it, an uncle in law and his wife made a similar song and dance and never did either.

I dont really care about it tbh. Neither does my hubby. I did think it was a bit odd, especially given the song and dance, but then I just forgot about it.

Its 3 years now - I doubt its going to happen lol!

thefeatheredcat

good sister wrote: »

I feel we are quite good to our siblings but lately i've noticed how we never get anything back. My husband is regularly called upon to help out his younger brother, yet when we needed help others were 'busy'.

There are two ways you can look at being asked to help and giving help and when you need help there's no support in that either those you ask see you as able to cope and any help they offer will be more a hindrance or that they feel that can't help because they can't offer that support and are not as strong as yourselves. Or option 3 that they plain can't be bothered/don't want to although sometimes there can be a real reason behind that.

If you feel like nothing you do is appreciated or reciprocated, dial back your efforts and be less available and just focus on helping out others who really do need it. Adjust your priorities a bit on who you help and what extent you help.

As for the wedding present... seems like it's gone to the stage of it being some sort of running joke? I don't see why otherwise they bring it up with some sort of intent and then don't follow through. Unless they're completely embarrassed and show it by bringing it up. I'd say just don't expect a gift at any stage.

If you're generally generous by nature in gifts for events, and helping others, then focus on those who do reciprocate and appreciate your efforts. Always leave room to surprise someone with a bit of effort too, if they normally don't reciprocate. Might inspire something by being on the receiving end of generosity.

I'll just add this thought though - sometimes I've found that others can be envious of generosity and willingness to help, in the sense that they might not have that same level of consideration to bring a gift for a house warming or as thoughtful to offer help or respond to a call for help. Perhaps the envy of the generosity and thoughtfulness you display could also be at play in the background? Some people have the mentality that "it's their choice" to provide a gift of X amount or offer help and does not warrant it to be reciprocated by similar actions on their part because they'll always see it that it is not an obligation but a choice.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Have you ever fallen out with them? Are they generally selfish and self centred people? Because if the answer is yes then there's your answer but if not, I would just forget about it until the next time they bring it up do as Bag of Chips says and just say "you keep saying that", and leave it hanging. Like it really sounds like you are going out of your way for them and it's not recipricated. I really would dial back on how helpful/generous you are, otherwise you're just allowing yourselves to be used and that's not good.

Best of luck.

thefeatheredcat

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

Some people have the mentality that "it's their choice" to provide a gift of X amount or offer help and does not warrant it to be reciprocated by similar actions on their part because they'll always see it that it is not an obligation but a choice.

If you think that giving a present, obligates a person to reciprocate. Then what is the good in giving one at all.

OP were they happy for you, and helpful on the day?
Maybe they feel like they have to give you something expensive, and they keep putting it on the long finger, hoping they will be in a financial position to come through. I don't see any other reason to keep bring it up.
If they intended on snubbing you. Surely they would never mention it again.

As for the helpfulness. Are they genuinely busy? Does the brother you actually help out reciprocate?

LegacyUser

Thanks.

In reply, my husband has had to bail out his brother, including financially, a few times. His parents have also come to his rescue in the past and he's allowed a lot of leeway, e.g. family get togethers are postponed because it doesn't suit him to come. My sister has two children and she's always saying how she wishes she had time like us to get sorted but she's so, so busy with the children she can't do anything for anyone else. She has yet to invite us to her house for even a cup of coffee but we'd have her and her family over many times for dinner, lunches etc. Its siblings both sides of our family have let us down. My husband is quite hurt because, as I said, he went out of his way to buy a very expensive (over e1000) gift when his other brother married, it was pretty much put to him that 'this is what we want from you for a wedding gift' and that was that.
They don't seem to see the mentioning of the matter as a laughing joke, rather that every time we see them its all "Oh, aren't we awful, I feel so bad, its a year and we haven't gotten anything". Inside I want to say "Well then pull the finger out and sort it, it takes no time to write a cheque or buy a one for all voucher".

I'm not money grabbing, I know people are under no obligation to give a gift, but I can honestly say we organised the wedding ourselves with no help from our siblings. When my sister married she divvied out jobs and expected us all to pitch in, but when we married she was too busy because of her children to help and told us point blank she wouldn't have time to do anything. I think this issue is highlighting to us that maybe we need to take a step back and stop being so available for everyone else. We really needed help a few weeks back, but our siblings were all either not answering phones or too busy to come to our aid.

Daisy M

Its possible you are seen like soft touches, maybe your both really nice people who are extremely obliging but never expect anything in return? If this is the case then you are probably prioritised lower than other people because its know that you never expect anything and never get annoyed over the lack of effort by others. If its brought up again just say " we are not bothered about the gift, but if you want to do something to mark our special day, would you mind getting a card as we would love to be able to look back and read all the good wishes from our families in the years to come."

Financially are you better off than the rest of your families? Maybe they make the excuse to themselves that you dont need anything. I am not saying thats nice or fair but I think that because they mention it they probably feel a little bad for not getting something but its not a priority. Pull back a little otherwise you will resent every gift you give and every favour you do.

moco

I think at this stage you're not going to get anything off them and it's awful really, especially when you and your husband are so generous to them. My dad has a really tight friend and his wedding present to my parents keeps being forgotten "in the garage" this past 35 years.

username123

good sister wrote: »

In reply, my husband has had to bail out his brother, including financially, a few times.

Wow - my husband has financially bailed out his family a good few times too! In fact it got to a horrible point where they just assumed he had pots of cash and would actively say awful things to him if he chose not to do something, like saying he was tight because 'sure he's loaded, he can well afford it!' or expecting him to pay for a family dinner. The truth was he was just an ordinary guy who didnt make bad financial decisions who was willing to help out when needed.

However - the parallels here do make me wonder if this is why we got no wedding gifts from anyone in his family either - ie, seen as soft touches or the attitude of 'they dont need it'.

We even had a dinner with his family sometime after the wedding that THEY invited US to and when the bill came his brother passed it to my husband!! So we had to pay for our own wedding dinner that his family arranged that we were invited guests at. We laughed at the time but this thread is making me rethink!

How Strange

There are people who would bend over backwards to help others (you and your husband) and there are people who never put themselves out and then there are those who don't put themselves out but expect others to for them (your siblings).

It's clear that you resent how you're being treated so stop. Stop jumping in to help them, stop putting yourselves out, stop bringing gifts to dinners, lunches etc, stop buying expensive gifts for birthdays etc. Just do these things when it suits you. I've seen with my father (who would help anyone at anytime) and his siblings (who are lovely but aren't known for putting themselves out) that his generosity with time, money etc is expected rather than appreciated.

Write the wedding gifts off but also next time they mention it you or your husband should let them know it's clear there'll be no present so can they stop going on about it. From now on suit yourselves and learn to take a step back.

Big Bag of Chips

How Strange wrote: »

....generosity with time, money etc is expected rather than appreciated.

This is very true. Some members of my husband's family have what he calls "an inflated sense of entitlement"!

lazygal

We have a similar problem. Haven't received so much as a card from my husband's siblings after a year of marriage. I don't allow others to bring my standards down though, and we'll still turn up with wine/birthday cards/gifts even though its not reciprocated. It's just the way I was raised, don't turn up with one arm as long as the other! My husband is very generous to his siblings and parents but its not really reciprocated, however I married him not his family.

Annabananna

Hey we are the same in a way our wedding 3yrs ago we got 100e each from my hubbie siblings and parents which we were happy with we werent getting married for the gifts. So when his brother got married last year we give 200e to them as we always give that much to couples anyways the next time we saw them they happen to mention that they got a lot of money gifts we just oh that was nice then his mother said but we had a laugh when we realise that it we ye that gave the least amount. Now to say i was hopping mad at this is an understatement firstly we gave the double what they gave us and making us out to be cheap. Then we had our first child 3.5yrs ago his parents said tehy bought a travekl system fro teh afore mentioned brother and it would do us for our child i told them my parents had put a deposit on a system for us and wanted to help us get it for there first grandchild they got the hump and even refused to come to the christening until the other brother talked them around they to this day have never given us anything for him and when our daughter came they again kicked up a fuss that there was a rugby match on and they wanted to watch it so we had to ask the hotel if they would serve the food quickly it was a three course meal as they had 2hrs from when they arrived to when they leave in orderto get home it a 2hr drive to watch match so my point is to you do what we now do that is do what suits us if we want to help out then we do if we want to give an nice present we do but mostly we keep the nice presents for nice people.

EricPraline

Annabananna wrote: »

So when his brother got married last year we give 200e to them as we always give that much to couples anyways the next time we saw them they happen to mention that they got a lot of money gifts we just oh that was nice then his mother said but we had a laugh when we realise that it we ye that gave the least amount.

That's incredibly ungracious behaviour. It's also very unlikely to be true, she probably simply wanted to make a dig at you for some personal reason. For her next birthday maybe you could buy her a voucher for an etiquette course? :rolleyes:

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The Lovely Muffin

I highly doubt you will get anything from them now OP. If they bring it up again I would just say "so you keep saying" or "you've said that a few times and still not gotten anything, I wouldn't worry about it now"

For my boyfriend's brothers girlfriends birthday we got her a €50 voucher for BTs and we got them a voucher for a restaurant for Christmas, I didn't get a thanks from my boyfriend's brother or his girlfriend for the restaurant voucher, but she did thank me for the BT voucher.

My 21st birthday was in Feb, I invited them and they came, again, no present, just a card, been told a few times the brother's girlfriend has my present but kept forgetting to bring it to my boyfriend's house and I might get it for my 22nd birthday next year.

If you or your husbands family ask for more help/favours, I would just say no and if they ask why, tell them.

LegacyUser

This is frustrating. It seems that they will never get that present. So maybe when the topic comes up tell them not to worry about it. Their presence at your wedding was their gift and leave it at that. If you ask what you want or confront them why they didn't get you one you may open a can of worms and its not worth it. Take it as a lesson, and not bail out certain people or give away gifts to those that are not appreciative or have the decency to do something in return.

If you enjoy giving and don't mind buying presents and giving away your time then do so. But if it bothers you because you expect others to do something in return than don't do it all. You may end up more annoyed and disillusioned. It so seems that you know which relatives have taken advantage of your kindness and generosity and feel they have a sense of entitlement because you're family; well stop giving to them. I have cheap siblings, so I don't bother with them. The only ones I do get gifts for and give my time to is their children. As far as your relatives, you need to decide what you are willing to give or do for them in the future. If this means no gift and not making yourself available then so be it.

tinkerbell

good sister wrote: »

It's a year since we married and none of our siblings have given us a gift. Now, this might seem selfish on our part but they keep mentioning how they have to get us something, asking us what we'd like and we've made suggestions but nothing, not even a card from any of them. We are the first to have birthday cards and gifts for people and spent a lot on a specific gift requested by one sibling when he married. We're always giving gifts for christenings, house warmings, never turn up empty handed for dinner etc. It just seems really rotten that it never seems to be reciprocated.
The wedding gift thing is the final straw. I hate to sound petty but they keep bringing it up and have been told what we'd like or to get us a general voucher. I feel we are quite good to our siblings but lately i've noticed how we never get anything back. My husband is regularly called upon to help out his younger brother, yet when we needed help others were 'busy'. Should we pull back a bit? Are we a soft touch? I know relationships are about give and take but right now it seems we do all the giving and others are happy to keep taking.

OP, I suggest that you stop throwing away your money on people where it is not appreciated. I don't buy these rubbish excuses of "oh your wedding gift is coming now soon", you either give it on the day, before the day or a little while later, this whole up to a year thing is a bit of a cop-out really. It is the height of bad manners.

Yes your husband and you should be pulling back. Stop doing favours for these ungrateful people - some people just take, take, take - they never will help you out when you need to. And stop buying presents for these people.

Next time they mention the crap about your wedding gift, just say "will you please stop mentioning this wedding gift, you've been saying the same thing for the last year and I'm fed up of it. So just forget about it".

Shivers26

That's families for you. I got married a couple of months ago and between myself and the husband we have 12 siblings and we got gifts from 5 of them (including one that was obviously re-gifted) and nothing from the others. It's not even worth getting upset over at this stage.

If they bring it up again maybe just say something you want 'oh actually I'd love a voucher for <insert shop here> because we really need a new blah blah blah for the house' or something like that and maybe they will be embarrassed into acting on it.
Also, you should consider toning down your generosity towards them. Maybe don't stop it altogether but scale it way back.

LegacyUser

OP. The next time any of them even dares bring the subject up, tell them it's too late and to not bother.

To do such a thing to a sibling is a gross insult.

And, safe to say, the guilty ones need never expect a gift from you ever again.

Sala

I think it's pretty rude to be honest. I always give money for a wedding but for my own sister I gave a lot more than usual. To be honest it's not about the money or the amount - she has friends with no money and got beautiful gifts and homemade cards. If someone is broke and spends 15 quid on something thoughtful its nearly better than hundreds of euros. The saying it's the thought that counts is true. If they do have some money, enough to give a present, then it's just rude or careless, which is rude in itself. If I was getting married I wouldn't be hung up on who gave what or if at all, but I suppose from my siblings and best friends I would expect something, not even of monetary value but some token to show they thought about me and they care