Don't fancy partner any more :-(

LegacyUser

Hello, hoping someone can offer some advice.I have been in a relationship for several years & we have a young child together. My partner is my best friend, an amazing girl and quite possibly the best mother in the world. However for the last year or more I have felt no romantic connection, the spark is completely gone, there is just no attraction any more. Its killing me because everything else works so well. I want it to work for all the right reasons but this is a huge issue when I dont want any physical contact, even kissing her doesnt feel the way it used to (to the point that it feels very uncomfortable). She quickly realised something was wrong and since then we have been sleeping in seperate rooms. We have talked about it and she is devastated but still hopes (like me) that we can fix it. I feel shallow and guilty for thinking the way i do. Can a relationship work when one of the partners feels like this? Should I carry on & make it work, focusing on all the good things. Or is it unfair on her and will the problem always be there?

LegacyUser

I actually think you are lucky. this glitch CAN be fixed! you can send her off for a spa treatment or a massage or new clothes etc. make her feel good and she will sex herself up in no time! you should make an effort too, if you make her feel sexy she will be more inclined to make the effort. this can be fixed, I have every faith in it! just be open and give everything a try!

Piliger

Hi OP. I am sorry this is the case.

However don't give up yet. Have you read other threads in this section ? many about women who lose their sex drive ? It also happens to men.
Often after a man's partner has a child, the women transforms into a mother figure and that mother figure then causes us to lose our drive to have sex with her. This can last a few years.

My view would be that you should firstly talk about it together and adopt the view this is only one part of your relationship and is not the be all and end all. Then you should go and get counselling with someone who is knowledgable about this phase in a marriage, and see how that goes. There are lot of strategies that you can adopt, under supervision, that can re-engage you both in a way that reignites the spark and reduces the mothering figure that she has become in your eyes.

You clearly love this girl. Hang in there and realise that we all go through patches in our lives, but that just as things change, they can change back and even improve.

Best of luck.

BraziliaNZ

I disagree with the previous posters. I've been there and she's not a lover anymore just your best friend. I'm sure you love being around her but it probably feels like hanging out with your sister. From my experience, that's the end, looking back on someone who was my favourite person in the world and loved dearly, I lost the attraction and still I can't even imagine anything sexual with her.
I'm not sure if it's possible to have someone that you are attracted to your whole life but if I were you I'd start to think about moving on and seperating, it's no way to live and not fair on her.

daisybelle2008

Not sure if any amount of counselling could make me fancy someone I had stopped being attracted to. Ditto, them dressing up sexy for me would do nothing for me, in fact it would just be someone I didn't fancy trying too hard to be sexual with me and would turn my stomach. No amount of candles and new tricks are going to make me enjoy sex with someone I have stopped fancying. If I don't even want to kiss them, I hardly want even more intimacy with them.

However there have been a couple of posters in RI who said an attraction that had waned did come back for them.

I don't think you can ignore it and settle for trying to be content with all the other stuff.
It is definitely worth giving a shot to the methods in the above posts if you can.

curlzy

Hey OP,

If it was just you and her I'd tell you to walk away. But you've got a child. You say yourself that you love her and that everything else is great it's just the sexual attraction that's gone. I'm not sure what way to put this but please think carefully before you tear your child's family apart for a sexual trill, which is ultimately what this is about.

I honestly, hand on heart, think that it's selfish to put sexual satisfaction before the family unit where children are involved. Like yeah, sex is important, but not that important! It's not food or oxygen. What did you do when you were single, you sorted yourself out, can you not do that anymore? It's one thing to be selfish and self orientated when there's no children involved but quite another when there are.

If I were you I'd try, spicing things up in the bedroom, time away together, councelling etc etc etc, if none of that works and you're still determined that sexual satisfaction is more important than the family unit could you both perhaps explore the idea of an open relationship? That way you could have your cake and eat it too, as it were.

Honestly OP, I'm really trying to not be judgemental, but I really think that while it's grand for sex to be the most important thing when there are no children involved, once they come along it really shouldn't be the most important thing anymore, because ultimately it's really not.

All the very best of luck, I really hope you get that spark back for all your sakes, but mostly your child's sake.

IrishEyes19

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

If it was just you and her I'd tell you to walk away. But you've got a child. You say yourself that you love her and that everything else is great it's just the sexual attraction that's gone. I'm not sure what way to put this but please think carefully before you tear your child's family apart for a sexual trill, which is ultimately what this is about.

I honestly, hand on heart, think that it's selfish to put sexual satisfaction before the family unit where children are involved. Like yeah, sex is important, but not that important! It's not food or oxygen. What did you do when you were single, you sorted yourself out, can you not do that anymore? It's one thing to be selfish and self orientated when there's no children involved but quite another when there are.

If I were you I'd try, spicing things up in the bedroom, time away together, councelling etc etc etc, if none of that works and you're still determined that sexual satisfaction is more important than the family unit could you both perhaps explore the idea of an open relationship? That way you could have your cake and eat it too, as it were.

Honestly OP, I'm really trying to not be judgemental, but I really think that while it's grand for sex to be the most important thing when there are no children involved, once they come along it really shouldn't be the most important thing anymore, because ultimately it's really not.

All the very best of luck, I really hope you get that spark back for all your sakes, but mostly your child's sake.

Your post is beautiful in theory, but in practice, its unconventional. In fact forcing the issue and forcing a spark back is more damaging if it doesnt work out at all. Children notice everything, that parents arent in the same room anymore, talking, being affectionate. People seperate all the time and can create perfect happy lives for their children as long as both parents are willing to be agreeable and fair. for them. Furthermore, sex is the difference between a relationship and a friendship. And its unfair to suggest that both adults stay in a "friendship" because of the kids. Again thats more damaging than anything.

All that aside, I do agree one more shot is worth a try. If you feel it is worth saving, go for it. Marriages/relationships all go through the "rut" phase so just be sure its what you are truly feeling before you make any drastic decisions. best of luck.

curlzy

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Your post is beautiful in theory, but in practice, its unconventional. In fact forcing the issue and forcing a spark back is more damaging if it doesnt work out at all. Children notice everything, that parents arent in the same room anymore, talking, being affectionate. People seperate all the time and can create perfect happy lives for their children as long as both parents are willing to be agreeable and fair. for them. Furthermore, sex is the difference between a relationship and a friendship. And its unfair to suggest that both adults stay in a "friendship" because of the kids. Again thats more damaging than anything.

All that aside, I do agree one more shot is worth a try. If you feel it is worth saving, go for it. Marriages/relationships all go through the "rut" phase so just be sure its what you are truly feeling before you make any drastic decisions. best of luck.

Research into the family unit and child welfare has shown that low conflict marraiges are better than the single parent families for children. So while it's nice for parents to be mad about each other it certainly isn't necessary. Have a look at:

www.psychologytoday.com
www.citizenlink.com
www.clasp.org
www.divorsesupport.com
www.healtymarraiges.com
www.healthyfamiliesamerica.org
www.family-men.com

Those are just from a quick search. It is a fact is that children are better off with 2 parents as long as the marraige is low conflict. By the OP's own account he has nothing but respect for his partner, so his marraige is low conflict.

Irisheyes19, While I respect your right to have your opinion, it really is damaging to dress up your incorrect opinion as fact, in future you should start it with "I think" and leave out the "in fact" if you want to do more good than harm. Furthermore, my "lovely theory" is any but unconventional.

Fiona

curlzy wrote: »

Honestly OP, I'm really trying to not be judgemental, but I really think that while it's grand for sex to be the most important thing when there are no children involved, once they come along it really shouldn't be the most important thing anymore, because ultimately it's really not.

And that is the problem, people focus too much on the role of the wife being the mother and the man being the father. These people still need to retain some of their identity for the relationship to not fall into the pitfall it just has :rolleyes:

Sleepy

I'd second a lot of what curlzy's said. See if you can re-ignite the spark with some time away from the little one. Don't let yourselves fall into the trap of a weekend away in the country where you spend most of the time catching up on sleep, go do something that turns you on together and where it's a thoroughly "adult" weekend: knock around Soho in London for example checking out the galleries, vinyl record stores, adult stores (even if it's not your thing, ye'll have a "WTF!? Who uses this stuff?!!" giggle together!).

Counselling may help but I'd be wary of any advice along the lines that I've heard some TV therapists coming out with of establishing set "date nights" etc as "organised fun" is something of an oxymoron to most of us! The theory's correct though: you need the chance to see each other as yerselves rather than as "mammy" and "daddy". It's quite common and can be fixed but it means having some fun together again first.

Is it possible you're experiencing a bit of a "madonna/whore thing" where you're finding it hard to see the mother of your child as a sexual being?

Piliger

Speaking as someone who is 50+ and has known quite a few married couples over the years, I can hardly think of one that hasn't gone through this exact same phase. I have discussed this with the guys several times over the years.
it is very very naive for people to say that once they are not turned on by someone they will never be again. This is simply not the case and is an issue that is dealt with by counselling all over the world, or just changes naturally as time progresses.
We are not machines. We don't just switch on and off. And we don't stay switched off.

There are loads of ways to re-cultivate a sexual relationship and it happens all the time.

LegacyUser

Firstly, thank you all who took time to reply, i really appreciate it and its really helpful to hear other people views. Its true I worry if I leave that it will have a negative impact on my child plus I dont want to be just a weekend dad. Also, its been over a year now, how much longer do I wait, or more importantly how long should my partner wait? Her biological clock is ticking and if she cant have a life wiht me then she needs to get back out there now and meet someone else if she is to have more children.. so time is not my side.

hondasam

Niff wrote: »

Hello, hoping someone can offer some advice.I have been in a relationship for several years & we have a young child together. My partner is my best friend, an amazing girl and quite possibly the best mother in the world. However for the last year or more I have felt no romantic connection, the spark is completely gone, there is just no attraction any more. Its killing me because everything else works so well. I want it to work for all the right reasons but this is a huge issue when I dont want any physical contact, even kissing her doesnt feel the way it used to (to the point that it feels very uncomfortable). She quickly realised something was wrong and since then we have been sleeping in seperate rooms. We have talked about it and she is devastated but still hopes (like me) that we can fix it. I feel shallow and guilty for thinking the way i do. Can a relationship work when one of the partners feels like this? Should I carry on & make it work, focusing on all the good things. Or is it unfair on her and will the problem always be there?

Do you want other women ?
I ask this only to see if you are gone of sex with just your partner. I think it can only work if both people are happy with the situation.
Everything else is good so it might just be a minor thing and it could work itself out in time.

Piliger

niff wrote: »

. . how much longer do I wait, or more importantly how long should my partner wait?

Well if you wait and do nothing you may have a long time to wait. You need to do something. Imagine something was wrong with your car ... how long would you wait before bringing it to the mechanic ... ? I know that's a bit silly, but it illustrates sometimes to all of us how little we do sometimes about ourselves, our bodies, our health and our sexual health. Go see someone next week. Make some calls. Speak to an expert.

The Corinthian

I wouldn't discount counselling or the spa idea (or similar) OP. You may have lost your attraction to your partner, but you did have it once, so the question you should be asking is what has changed that this is no longer the case?

Has something in you or your life changed? Has something about her changed? Is it something that has changed in your life together?

Identifying this may not bring that spark back, but at least it will identify if it is possible to bring it back in the first place and if so give you some insight as to how you may do so.

If not, I don't think staying with someone 'for the sake of the child' is necessarily a good idea. It might work for some (especially if you're both over a certain age) or a while, but ultimately both she and you will have unfulfilled needs and resentment could well form as a result and I certainly would question if a couple should stay together 'for the sake of the child' if either or both are miserable in the long run.

Better two parents who live apart but have a cooperative relationship over parenting (which is not being a single parent), ideally even with shared custody, than some charade that causes them to hate each other over time.

Nonetheless, I would seek to identify why this change has arisen first, and see if you can fix it. Only then should you consider your next course of action.

Janet1986

Would ye give the swinging scene a go?

Might help ye get the spark back without breaking up

LegacyUser

hondasam wrote: »

Do you want other women ?
I ask this only to see if you are gone of sex with just your partner. I think it can only work if both people are happy with the situation.
Everything else is good so it might just be a minor thing and it could work itself out in time.

The answer unfortunately is yes i do want other women, if anything the sex drive is now on overdrive... its just pointed in the wrong direction :-(

hondasam

niff wrote: »

The answer unfortunately is yes i do want other women, if anything the sex drive is now on overdrive... its just pointed in the wrong direction :-(

I dunno what to say to you really, a fling might make you realise how important your family is or it might make you realise there is more to life than staying with a woman you just like.
It happens to the best of us, only you can decide if you want to risk everything or not.
Would it be stupid to suggest both of ye have a fling?

curlzy

Hey OP,

Did you read any of the links I posted? The important question here is what's more important to you: your child's happiness or your penis's happiness. I'm dead serious.

The fact is you seem to have ignored what others have said about actually, you know, WORKING, on this and saving your marraige and your child's family unit. Instead your head is on the 'do you fancy other women' questions.

Some people just shouldn't have children. Not saying you're one of them but if you're considering destroying your child's family without having tried everything you can to save it, well, then you're not a very good dad.

Best of luck.

hondasam

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Did you read any of the links I posted? The important question here is what's more important to you: your child's happiness or your penis's happiness. I'm dead serious.

A bit ott, he is human and parents are not perfect.

Some people just shouldn't have children. Not saying you're one of them but if you're considering destroying your child's family without having tried everything you can to save it, well, then you're not a very good dad.

If he is not happy at home then he is better to leave. You do not stop living just because you have kids and you cannot live your life to suit kids either.
No one wants to break up families but it happens and it will work itself out in the end.

curlzy

hondasam wrote: »

If he is not happy at home then he is better to leave. You do not stop living just because you have kids and you cannot live your life to suit kids either.
No one wants to break up families but it happens and it will work itself out in the end.

I totally get where you're coming from and if it was a case where the relationship wasn't working at all and there was endless conflict then I would be saying, "sure you're tried everything, call it a day". However, there isn't endless conflict, he says himself he loves her and that the only thing thats wrong is the sex. He hasn't tried anything and is more interested in his sexual needs than the emotional needs of his child. As per the links I posted, the overwhelming evidence is that the child is better off with both parents as long as it is low conflict environment, which his is.

I get were you're saying I'm OTT but I really think someone should point out that he's being very selfish and worrying more about his penis than his child. Sorry if that sounds inflammatory, but I honestly think that's what this comes down to. He said himself the only problem is the sex. While I totally get that sex is important, it ISN'T more important that the child's family unit. Once you decide to bring a child into the world their happiness should come before yours, that may not seem fair but the best parents are the ones that put their children first, I think every child deserves parents like that.

My own parents have slept in separate rooms for over 25 years, so obviously they're not exactly ravaging each other, but they are happy and they're amazing parents that raised 3 very successful and happy children to adulthood. In fact, when compared to our friends that were raised by only one parent, our lives are alot better. We're able to carry on successful relationships, we're better educated, we all have excellent careers, none of us had unwanted pregnancies, none of us are drug addicts etc etc etc, the same cannot be said of the friends that had only one parent (although I'm not saying that would be the only factor). This thread is making me really appreciate my parents, although to be fair, I already appreciate them and show them that.

It just comes as a shock to see that not all parents are like mine and I feel really sorry for the OP's child. I'm hoping the OP will try and try and try to make this work but it doesn't sound like he will

daisybelle2008

curlzy wrote: »

hondasam wrote: »

I totally get where you're coming from and if it was a case where the relationship wasn't working at all and there was endless conflict then I would be saying, "sure you're tried everything, call it a day". However, there isn't endless conflict, he says himself he loves her and that the only thing thats wrong is the sex. He hasn't tried anything and is more interested in his sexual needs than the emotional needs of his child. As per the links I posted, the overwhelming evidence is that the child is better off with both parents as long as it is low conflict environment, which his is.

I get were you're saying I'm OTT but I really think someone should point out that he's being very selfish and worrying more about his penis than his child. Sorry if that sounds inflammatory, but I honestly think that's what this comes down to. He said himself the only problem is the sex. While I totally get that sex is important, it ISN'T more important that the child's family unit. Once you decide to bring a child into the world their happiness should come before yours, that may not seem fair but the best parents are the ones that put their children first, I think every child deserves parents like that.

My own parents have slept in separate rooms for over 25 years, so obviously they're not exactly ravaging each other, but they are happy and they're amazing parents that raised 3 very successful and happy children to adulthood. In fact, when compared to our friends that were raised by only one parent, our lives are alot better. We're able to carry on successful relationships, we're better educated, we all have excellent careers, none of us had unwanted pregnancies, none of us are drug addicts etc etc etc, the same cannot be said of the friends that had only one parent (although I'm not saying that would be the only factor). This thread is making me really appreciate my parents, although to be fair, I already appreciate them and show them that.

It just comes as a shock to see that not all parents are like mine and I feel really sorry for the OP's child. I'm hoping the OP will try and try and try to make this work but it doesn't sound like he will

Curlzy to be fair he is considering the impact on his family, his original post asked should he stay. He has not ruled that out and seems to want to avoid break up.

The Corinthian

niff wrote: »

The answer unfortunately is yes i do want other women, if anything the sex drive is now on overdrive... its just pointed in the wrong direction :-(

TBH, that's the price of a monogamous relationship.

Explain why you believe this is the case; is it you settled down too early or you settled down 'for the child', for example? Try to verbalize where these feelings come from.

I ask because I am curious to see if this is simply an itch you need to scratch or something more fundamental.

curlzy wrote: »

I get were you're saying I'm OTT but I really think someone should point out that he's being very selfish and worrying more about his penis than his child.

Actually he's worrying more about his penis than his partner. After all he's not suggesting that he is rejecting his child, only his partner - don't confuse the two, as many do.

As to the impact on the child of a split, that comes down to how it's handled. Of course parents being together is the ideal, but let's not forget that this is an ideal, not a necessity; as it being able to send one's child to an expensive school, buy them all the best toys or having a stay-at-home parent.

But the ideal isn't necessarily the best solution for all the people concerned though, let alone possible, and so people compromise and do the best they can within reason.

Additionally, staying with someone you're miserable with can actually be worse in the long run. Resentment builds. Fights may not be taking place now, but they will. And when the split finally happens, it may be so acrimonious as to preclude a cooperative parenting agreement.

This is certainly not to say that the OP should split up with his partner. I think it is far too early to say so and he has stated that this is what he wants to be able to do, but neither should he stay with her if he is miserable and this misery cannot be solved.

davet82

by reading the OP and his/your responses, i think you've up your mind and you just want reassurance that its ok to leg it.... anyways

you dont want to be a weekend dad but you want a sex life...

you cant have your cake and eat it with leaving but by staying and working things out you can have both, i'd be really really careful and make sure i've exhausted all over avenues before leaving, i've seen too many people regret what you are about to do imo


best of luck no matter what you decide

hondasam

curlzy wrote: »

I totally get where you're coming from and if it was a case where the relationship wasn't working at all and there was endless conflict then I would be saying, "sure you're tried everything, call it a day". However, there isn't endless conflict, he says himself he loves her and that the only thing thats wrong is the sex. He hasn't tried anything and is more interested in his sexual needs than the emotional needs of his child. As per the links I posted, the overwhelming evidence is that the child is better off with both parents as long as it is low conflict environment, which his is.

He is bored, he wants some fun but also wants to keep his family together. I know you posted links but I'm a firm believer in parents know what's best for their children and not books etc.

I get were you're saying I'm OTT but I really think someone should point out that he's being very selfish and worrying more about his penis than his child.

I laughed when I seen this because it is funny but slightly unfair to the poor man.

My own parents have slept in separate rooms for over 25 years, so obviously they're not exactly ravaging each other, but they are happy and they're amazing parents that raised 3 very successful and happy children to adulthood.

While it works for some people it would not work for everyone, it's not the ideal situation either unless it is an open but discreet marriage.

ibarelycare

curlzy wrote: »

My own parents have slept in separate rooms for over 25 years, so obviously they're not exactly ravaging each other, but they are happy and they're amazing parents that raised 3 very successful and happy children to adulthood. In fact, when compared to our friends that were raised by only one parent, our lives are alot better. We're able to carry on successful relationships, we're better educated, we all have excellent careers, none of us had unwanted pregnancies, none of us are drug addicts etc etc etc, the same cannot be said of the friends that had only one parent (although I'm not saying that would be the only factor). This thread is making me really appreciate my parents, although to be fair, I already appreciate them and show them that.

If you actually think that your parents staying together in a sexless marriage for 25 years has turned you and your siblings into successful upstanding members of society then that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. You're like that because you had a good upbringing. Who are you to say that you wouldn't have turned out the same if your parents had separated and met other partners?

A child doesn't need to be brought up in a household with both parents to turn out well. A sexless marriage just isn't a marriage, and it's going to cause resentment and unhappiness the longer it continues. It would be great for the OP if things could change for him and he could get the spark back with his partner but that might not happen. Parents separating doesn't make them bad parents.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Did you read any of the links I posted? The important question here is what's more important to you: your child's happiness or your penis's happiness. I'm dead serious.

The fact is you seem to have ignored what others have said about actually, you know, WORKING, on this and saving your marraige and your child's family unit. Instead your head is on the 'do you fancy other women' questions.

Some people just shouldn't have children. Not saying you're one of them but if you're considering destroying your child's family without having tried everything you can to save it, well, then you're not a very good dad.

Best of luck.

Curlzy, I think you are making a few incorrect assumptions. I did look at the links you posted, after which I replied thanking you and other posters for taking the time out to post advice on my thread.
For the record, I always put an extraordinary amount of energy into raising my child and very often find myself disappointed that other parents dont put as much into their kids as i do, believe me i have very strong views regarding the level of care, love & time a child needs from their parents. Also it is a bit simplistic to say this is a choice between my child's happiness or my penis's happiness - what about my partner? Do you think she wants a sexless relationship? The answer is absolutely not, she has emotions and needs too. Of course, in time, she naturally may want more children, how will that work? Are you sugesting I impregnate her and the 2 of us see out the rest of our days in seperate rooms?
Regarding your point about me not trying everything - believe me I have, Ive even gone for councilling and that hasnt made this any easier, whcih is why im here on boards.ie hoping that some more outsiders perspective might help. I thank you for posting anyway and respect your opinion even if i do not entirely agree with your points ;-)

curlzy

ibarelycare wrote: »

If you actually think that your parents staying together in a sexless marriage for 25 years has turned you and your siblings into successful upstanding members of society then that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever read. You're like that because you had a good upbringing. Who are you to say that you wouldn't have turned out the same if your parents had separated and met other partners?

A child doesn't need to be brought up in a household with both parents to turn out well. A sexless marriage just isn't a marriage, and it's going to cause resentment and unhappiness the longer it continues. It would be great for the OP if things could change for him and he could get the spark back with his partner but that might not happen. Parents separating doesn't make them bad parents.

Wow, how arrogant. So you know more about my upbringing than I do? That's amazing. Any idea what the winning lotto numbers are gonna be?

Maybe YOU don't think a sexless marraige is a marraige, but that's not a fact, that's an opinion. My parents are happy, believe it or not, and are now planning their retirment together at the moment, all 3 kids are raised so there's no reason for them be together if they want to separate.

I wasn't going to reply to you but your arrogance and total wrongness compelled me to. Perhaps rather than giving your opinion as fact, you could spend some time reading up on the issue? If you do, you will see that all the EXPERTS (you know, those people that actually have studied the issue) all agree that child with both parents do best as long, as the marraige is low conflict (which the OP's is).

If you want to discuss MY upbringing or argue with me then PM me, I'm not willing to drag this thread any more off topic.

Fiona

Curlzy I respect what you stand for but really, do you know that this is 2012 and hot sex is actually a really important thing to keep a marriage going

If you want to have kids fine but you are still a woman who has sexual needs and I am sorry but denying them just so your child is happy is just madness, you kids might not even grow up to like you so would you resent them if that happened and you gave up everything only to be hated and to live in a sexless marriage.

My parents seperated when I was 16 and still lived together in the same house. I am a pretty normal successful person in terms of my career etc and what happened at home never affected me.

Ok my own marriage has just broken down but it's nothing to do with my own parents it's the fact that I just married a waster who didn't want to do anything with his life.

And if I had kids with him I still would have been gone cos that would not be a healthy enviroment to have my children in.

But anyway I don't want kids so thankfully I don't have to worry about my future partners seeing me as a mother figure and not their lover.

Does your own husband / partner share your views?

Taltos

All - please let's keep our posts on topic to the OP.
Off topic posts or flaming replies will be dealt with harshly.

curlzy

Fiona wrote: »

Curlzy I respect what you stand for but really, do you know that this is 2012 and hot sex is actually a really important thing to keep a marriage going

If you want to have kids fine but you are still a woman who has sexual needs and I am sorry but denying them just so your child is happy is just madness, you kids might not even grow up to like you so would you resent them if that happened and you gave up everything only to be hated and to live in a sexless marriage.

My parents seperated when I was 16 and still lived together in the same house. I am a pretty normal successful person in terms of my career etc and what happened at home never affected me.

Ok my own marriage has just broken down but it's nothing to do with my own parents it's the fact that I just married a waster who didn't want to do anything with his life.

And if I had kids with him I still would have been gone cos that would not be a healthy enviroment to have my children in.

But anyway I don't want kids so thankfully I don't have to worry about my future partners seeing me as a mother figure and not their lover.

Does your own husband / partner share your views?

Hey Fiona,
Well firstly thanks for having a civil way of addressing me My fiancee does share my views, thankfully, I wouldn't have accepted his proposal if he didn't, or at the very least I wouldn't plan on having children.

I'm really sorry that your marraige didn't work, that's really hard and I hope things look up for you soon.

With regards to your first question, yes I do know it's 2012 and I agree that hot sex is awesome (I have it regularly, quite kinky myself so hardly a prude) however, I think it should be at the bottom of the list of priorities once a child comes along.

I really don't want to drag this even further off topic so if you have anything further to add or ask me feel free to PM me.

All the best,
Curlzy

Fiona

curlzy wrote: »

I'm really sorry that your marraige didn't work, that's really hard and I hope things look up for you soon.

No need to be sorry best thing that happened

If thats what works for you both then happy days at least you are both on the same wave length, it wouldn't be for me however.

OP - I think you have a really tough decision to make but you can't keep living a lie so do the decent thing, if you love somebody set them free

The Princess Bride

Niff wrote: »

...... I have felt no romantic connection, the spark is completely gone, there is just no attraction any more. I dont want any physical contact, even kissing her doesnt feel the way it used to (to the point that it feels very uncomfortable). She quickly realised something was wrong and since then we have been sleeping in seperate rooms. We have talked about it and she is devastated but still hopes (like me) that we can fix it. I feel shallow and guilty for thinking the way i do. Or is it unfair on her and will the problem always be there?

You know something?
Sometimes, people meet someone and fall in love and live happily ever after.
And sometimes...they meet and fall in love, but after some time,fall out of love.
That's okay- not an ideal situation for the person still in love-but such is life.

I can't imagine it was easy for you to say this to your partner,OP, so well done on being so honest.
I really can't see any way of going back and finding that spark again.
Intimacy and good sex is a very important part of a longterm relationship
-sometimes,people only realise how important it is,when it's dwindling or gone.

I'd suggest you try and work out the best possible way to continue your friendship,and parent your child together-albeit not as a couple-in the best way possible.

It can work for you,you know that, you've only one life and you've gotta be happy! Your child will thrive once you both parent her well-it doesn't have to be under the same roof.

Good luck!

ibarelycare

OP you're not selfish in any way for the way you're feeling so don't let anyone try and make you think that. You sound like a very decent person and a good father. You're not putting your sex life above your child but you're acknowledging that things aren't right in your relationship and that you're not going to be able to live like that. Some people may be able to have a sexless marriage but most probably wouldn't. Children are very adaptable and if your relationship ends it will be tough but you'll all get through it. Your child can still have a very happy and fulfilling upbringing even if his parents aren't together. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

miec

Hi Op

There are a couple of things that have stood out for me in your post, the emphasis on your wife being a good mother / great friend and her biological clock ticking away. Is it possible that she wants more children and you don't? Prior to having your child, was it planned and did the sex become orientated towards conceiving? Does she view you as a baby making machine or a husband she really fancies? Maybe that is where your issue lies, that in your eyes your wife became 'mother' and therefore no longer sexually attractive? I don't think you are being selfish, I see you as being self aware and trying to work through this. If you see your wife as a mother figure maybe counselling could help, if your wife wants more children and you don't then maybe the kindest thing to do is leave her. What I would not advocate is to leave this situation ongoing for too long as it is painful for your wife (I have been in her shoes) as well as yourself nor would I have an affair, again it is hurtful on all people involved.

I wish you the best of luck Op.

LegacyUser

msthe80s wrote: »

You know something?
Sometimes, people meet someone and fall in love and live happily ever after.
And sometimes...they meet and fall in love, but after some time,fall out of love.
That's okay- not an ideal situation for the person still in love-but such is life.

I can't imagine it was easy for you to say this to your partner,OP, so well done on being so honest.
I really can't see any way of going back and finding that spark again.
Intimacy and good sex is a very important part of a longterm relationship
-sometimes,people only realise how important it is,when it's dwindling or gone.

I'd suggest you try and work out the best possible way to continue your friendship,and parent your child together-albeit not as a couple-in the best way possible.

It can work for you,you know that, you've only one life and you've gotta be happy! Your child will thrive once you both parent her well-it doesn't have to be under the same roof.

Good luck!

Thank you msthe80s!

LegacyUser

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP you're not selfish in any way for the way you're feeling so don't let anyone try and make you think that. You sound like a very decent person and a good father. You're not putting your sex life above your child but you're acknowledging that things aren't right in your relationship and that you're not going to be able to live like that. Some people may be able to have a sexless marriage but most probably wouldn't. Children are very adaptable and if your relationship ends it will be tough but you'll all get through it. Your child can still have a very happy and fulfilling upbringing even if his parents aren't together. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks ibarelycare, really appreicate the kind words & the fact that many poster here havent rushed to judge

LegacyUser

miec wrote: »

Hi Op

There are a couple of things that have stood out for me in your post, the emphasis on your wife being a good mother / great friend and her biological clock ticking away. Is it possible that she wants more children and you don't? Prior to having your child, was it planned and did the sex become orientated towards conceiving? Does she view you as a baby making machine or a husband she really fancies? Maybe that is where your issue lies, that in your eyes your wife became 'mother' and therefore no longer sexually attractive? I don't think you are being selfish, I see you as being self aware and trying to work through this. If you see your wife as a mother figure maybe counselling could help, if your wife wants more children and you don't then maybe the kindest thing to do is leave her. What I would not advocate is to leave this situation ongoing for too long as it is painful for your wife (I have been in her shoes) as well as yourself nor would I have an affair, again it is hurtful on all people involved.

I wish you the best of luck Op.

Thanks for your post. I'm still amazed at the amount of people taking time to offer advice, its brilliant. To answer your questions, 1) Yes she naturally enough wants more and I dont given how im currently feeling. 2) No it was not planned and I wouldnt have said sex became orientated toward conceiving, however maybe i unknowingly felt that at some level. 3) I would say she feel the latter but maybe i sometimes feel like its the former.

tan11ie

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Did you read any of the links I posted? The important question here is what's more important to you: your child's happiness or your penis's happiness. I'm dead serious.

The fact is you seem to have ignored what others have said about actually, you know, WORKING, on this and saving your marraige and your child's family unit. Instead your head is on the 'do you fancy other women' questions.

Some people just shouldn't have children. Not saying you're one of them but if you're considering destroying your child's family without having tried everything you can to save it, well, then you're not a very good dad.

Best of luck.

Do you come from a family were your parents stayed together "for the sake of the children" ?

Well I can tell you now that it's not always the right thing to do! in fact It can do more harm.:mad:

The Corinthian

Niff wrote: »

2) No it was not planned

If she had not gotten pregnant, were would you have seen your relationship with her going? Were you already in a committed, long term relationship, or did it become one only after the pregnancy?

miec

3) I would say she feel the latter but maybe i sometimes feel like its the former.

I would guess that may be one of the reasons for your loss of attraction, that and the fact the baby is unplanned. I asked that question because I know in the past when I was trying to conceive I focused on baby making rather than love making when I was trying for a child and it ruined the fun in sex. Maybe this is something you could both talk about. It also seems pretty strong to me that you do not want any more children and if she does then to me that is a deal breaker.

Scanlas The 2nd

msthe80s wrote: »

Niff wrote: »

...... I have felt no romantic connection, the spark is completely gone, there is just no attraction any more. I dont want any physical contact, even kissing her doesnt feel the way it used to (to the point that it feels very uncomfortable). She quickly realised something was wrong and since then we have been sleeping in seperate rooms. We have talked about it and she is devastated but still hopes (like me) that we can fix it. I feel shallow and guilty for thinking the way i do. Or is it unfair on her and will the problem always be there?

You know something?
Sometimes, people meet someone and fall in love and live happily ever after.
And sometimes...they meet and fall in love, but after some time,fall out of love.
That's okay- not an ideal situation for the person still in love-but such is life.

I can't imagine it was easy for you to say this to your partner,OP, so well done on being so honest.
I really can't see any way of going back and finding that spark again.
Intimacy and good sex is a very important part of a longterm relationship
-sometimes,people only realise how important it is,when it's dwindling or gone.

I'd suggest you try and work out the best possible way to continue your friendship,and parent your child together-albeit not as a couple-in the best way possible.

It can work for you,you know that, you've only one life and you've gotta be happy! Your child will thrive once you both parent her well-it doesn't have to be under the same roof.

Good luck!

Sounds to me like he's still in love with her, he just isn't attracted.

bite30

I think u very brave to stay , but is there any way u could move out for a couple of days or a few weeks ,U be suprised how much not been around someone can get the feeling back .IF ure feelings dont come back, u know u will have made the right desicion to get out.the two of ye will only start not liking each other and then hateing each other and whats the point of that I hope things work one way or the other please let me know