Afraid to lose her

LegacyUser

First off, a bit about myself.

I've had three previous relationship, prior to my current one. In each case I really liked the girls, but I always felt we were on a par. Our strengths and weaknesses balancing each other's out. They all ended for various reasons, but generally on good terms.

Recently I've been seeing a girl, and quite frankly she's amazing. Good looking, funny, smart, and we get on great. I've never felt with any other girl how I feel about this girl. I can't stop thinking about her. When we're together I'm blissfully happy. Practically every time she opens her mouth she impresses me with how fantastic a person she is.

Sounds like I should be delighted, and I am. But I have a really uneasy feeling of "what' is this amazing girl settling with me for".

She's way more popular than me. Much smarter. Better educated, more confident, more successful, and she's also the most generous and kind person I've ever met. I'm trying not to idealise her. I'm generally quite picky with women. I've searched hard for flaws, and they're so minor as to barely be worth noticing.

I'm not normally lacking is self esteem. I am generally happy with myself, and how my life has turned out. I'm a reasonably good looking guy, so I suspect it's this which attracted her to me, and we do get on well. I make her laugh, and everything's great in the bedroom.

I'm just worried that when the honeymoon period is over, she will see how much better she could be doing, and move on. And the thought of losing her scares me to death. It's like a mild anxiety hanging in the pit of my stomach all day long. I've never felt anything like it.

I know what I should do. Just keep at the realtionship, enjoy it while I can, and not get hung up on things that could happen, or I might end up sabotaging it or becoming clingy.

I'm really just asking if anyone else has had this feeling, and how did they cope with it?

shimmery

She is with you because she sees all your fantastic qualities, that you sadly cannot see. Your relationship sounds great, please try and deal with your self esteem and low confidence issues.Have you tried talking to her about it?I bet she would think you are crazy, and would prob be sad that you think she would be capable of dropping you like that. If she is as good as you think she is, she is not going to behave in such a manner. Dont worry about the future, it hasnt happened yet and if you are enjoying the present, thats all that matters.

Agent J

There is a Korean saying along the lines of

"Wise men don't question heavens gifts"

Just be thankful and accept things as they are. It it ends down the road, it ends and you can deal with it then. You say self esteem isnt a problem but maybe revisit that a little and be sure about it.

I'm sure she's fantastic but becareful about putting her on a pedastal. You'll end up going from "Why is she with me" to "She's too good for me.. " to eventually "She'd be better off without me" or some varient.

Piliger

OP - women are not attracted to men by their looks. Your girl is attracted to you for the person you are.

As another poster above says you are displaying serious and worrying self esteem problems and it is these self esteem problems that are the biggest threat to your relationship.

I would advise you to tackle this problem as soon as you possibly can through some kind of counselling.

daisybelle2008

I agree with the above posters except the bit that 'women are not attracted to men by their looks'.....Of course we are!! It is ridiculous to say that looks are not important to women for attraction. They are subjective and in the eye of the beholder but initial attraction is based on looks of course. But sticking around all the other factors come into play, personality, sense of humour, chemistry.
Obviously she is happy with all those things.

I wouldn't say your issues are 'worrying', don't get freaked out and overthink things! Do try to relax, enjoy the relationship and believe in yourself more.

Lorna123

Sometimes when we feel so attracted to someone like you are to this girl we get thoughts like "I can't believe my luck", that is natural, just don't let it take over and don't get paranoid.

BraziliaNZ

I was like this once with a girl, infatuated. Then she dumped me! You need to take control of it, just realise that she's not the be all and end all of everything, it's just a girl that sh*ts and pisses like the rest of us. If you don't snap out of it you wont be attractive to her anymore, mark my words!

Piliger

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

I was like this once with a girl, infatuated. Then she dumped me! You need to take control of it, just realise that she's not the be all and end all of everything, it's just a girl that sh*ts and pisses like the rest of us. If you don't snap out of it you wont be attractive to her anymore, mark my words!

Put slightly more directly that I would have .. but correct :P

I believe your self esteem issues are somewhat serious, OP, from reading your post.

Women don't care about a guy's looks, but they do care about his confidence. In my experience there is nothing as likely to turn a girl off as this kind of lack of self esteem and feeling your not worthy of her. It is a major turnoff.

Start by firstly making sure you don't say things like that to her directly, and imho this is something you really should tackle with some quiet counselling at this early stage before it gets a hold on you and while you are still young.

dearg lady

Piliger you need to stop reiterating the point that women don't care about guys looks. Pretty much everyone needs to be attracted to their partner, just that we all find different things attractive in a partner!

P. Breathnach

I think people here are both right and wrong about the importance of looks. Initial attraction is very much influenced by appearance, and it's a bit of a yes/no question. But things tend to move beyond that fairly quickly, and enduring appeal depends of a greater range of things. Once people know one another as people rather than as pictures, physical appearance is not that important any more - the test has already been passed.

OP, if you can make her happy, then your chances of maintaining the relationship are improved.

Piliger

dearg lady wrote: »

Piliger you need to stop reiterating the point that women don't care about guys looks. Pretty much everyone needs to be attracted to their partner, just that we all find different things attractive in a partner!

I don't agree. Please stop telling me what I can say or not say.

daisybelle2008

Piliger wrote: »

I don't agree. Please stop telling me what I can say or not say.

I'm a woman and I care about looks, so do you disagree with that?
Are you a woman claiming to speak for all women? Or a man Derailing threads with nonsense sweeping generalisations about women. Not helpful either way.

Regarding looks for the OP. the fact things are good in the bedroom, means she is definitely attracted to you physically. Everything you have indicated is good. Enjoy the moment and have fun regardless of what may happen.

dearg lady

Piliger wrote: »

I don't agree. Please stop telling me what I can say or not say.

ok, fair enough, you can assume to know what all women think, if you really want to be that arrogant. The OP's issue isn't even about looks specifically so it's a moot point.
OP, I think you've got some good advice here. You need to work on your own confidence and realise what a great person you are, and accept that she wants to be with you for many reasons.

Ickle Magoo

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LegacyUser

OP here again.

Thanks for all the advice.

I've been mulling it over the past few days.

I know I sounded like I had horribly low self esteem in the previous post, but I really don't normally. I'm very comfortable in my own skin, and I'm not going to change who I am for anyone else.

I think it's just the fact that I feel she matches and exceeds nearly all my strengths, is leaving me feeling like this. I think I need to stop thinking of relationships as some kind of points excercise, where you need to be better at certain things, and look at it instead as two people who connect.