Sleeping w/ a taken man.

AlabamaWorley

As the title says I've been sleeping with a taken man for a few months. He is 33 and I am 20 (He is also my brothers good friend)

Mostly in sept-dec 2011 and most recently a week ago. This includes hotel visits, my own bed, his home, a friends home. He has 2 children and a GF of 14 years.

I know he's unhappy and they want to break up but can't (apparently) I'm so aware of his BS, it sickens me how I just don't seem to feel guilt anymore, I'm falling for everything he is saying

I am also 100% aware I am not innocent or naive at all, I have made these wrong decisions and have got in too deep.

I just feel so stuck in this cycle, I don't know how to get out of it, I have fallen for him a lot in the last few weeks, we are not in contact generally (we just see each other at mutual friends/parties)
We share the same friends but I find myself making the effort to be around him and telling myself I don't care about his GF + children, I know it's not right, and I know if he wasnt sleeping with me it would be someone else, He doesn't go home for days at a time and doesn't contact her in this time either. I'm allowing myself to be used by him.

I need advice, how can I detach myself from him?

Belfastmedic

Being there.

You have to cut contact, facebook, phone etc

The longer it goes on, the worse it will get! You will get hurt.

When it comes down to it he will choose his girlfriend and kids over you any day.

Don't mind that bull 'things are rough at home' he just wants the best of both worlds.

Just tell him you can't do it anymore.

Piliger

OP - it depends on what you want out of it. What do you want ?

Are you happy with the time you spend with him and the sex ? Is that enough ? If so then so be it.

Do you want him to leave his family for you ? Do you think he will ? Really ? And if he does how will you feel about that ? How will you feel about his family ? His family is not your responsibility in any way. It is his. But you will still feel the fall out.

These are some of the questions you need to ask yourself. The right thing to do is what you feel is the right thing, not what anyone else thinks.

Iddles76

This post has been deleted.

P. Breathnach

For me, the header says enough: he is taken. In my view, both you and he are doing wrong.

If his relationship had failed, and he and his OH had parted, then it would be a different situation. But it's not that way.

Distorted

Doctor Jimbob wrote: »

I'm oing to be blunt and say I think you're painting yourself as too much of a victim here.

Yeah but the OP is only 20 and at that age, you don't necessarily have the willpower or presence of mind to say no to someone 13 years older who knows you're attracted to them. The OP knows its wrong however and its not making her happy, so hopefully with a bit of guidance she will be able to walk away before she becomes even more emeshed.

OP - added to all the good advice above, just think about all the great guys you're missing out on while your time is taken up by this father of two and long term partner of someone else.

I also wouldn't necessarily believe what he's telling you about his relationship. Either that, or he's a spineless so and so. A liar or spineless - neithers very appealing.

Pa Dee

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

As the title says I've been sleeping with a taken man for a few months. He is 33 and I am 20 (He is also my brothers good friend)

Mostly in sept-dec 2011 and most recently a week ago. This includes hotel visits, my own bed, his home, a friends home. He has 2 children and a GF of 14 years.

I know he's unhappy and they want to break up but can't (apparently) I'm so aware of his BS, it sickens me how I just don't seem to feel guilt anymore, I'm falling for everything he is saying

I am also 100% aware I am not innocent or naive at all, I have made these wrong decisions and have got in too deep.

I just feel so stuck in this cycle, I don't know how to get out of it, I have fallen for him a lot in the last few weeks, we are not in contact generally (we just see each other at mutual friends/parties)
We share the same friends but I find myself making the effort to be around him and telling myself I don't care about his GF + children, I know it's not right, and I know if he wasnt sleeping with me it would be someone else, He doesn't go home for days at a time and doesn't contact her in this time either. I'm allowing myself to be used by him.

I need advice, how can I detach myself from him?

You are being used. Know this....remember this..,,everything you are with him.....Know this....remember this..

Piliger

Pa Dee wrote: »

You are being used. Know this....remember this..,,everything you are with him.....Know this....remember this..

I see no evidence of this whatsoever. She is using him just as much. This is not the issue. The issue is what is best for the OP to do now for her own sake.

Out Of The Night

OP you need to take a long hard look at yourself. The reasons behind your actions. Yes you are being used and allowing it. You are also hurting another woman. Have you taken the time to consider her feelings?

AlabamaWorley

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm very much in two minds, 1 being I just go along with it and enjoy and not thinking of consequences, not being victim (actively seeking him out) and the other is feeling guilty, thinking of his GF and feeling used (letting him go for it)
The situation is a mix of both as I know what I'm doing yet feeling no remorse one day and that changing the next.

He has slept with others in the past (one night stands) and told his GF about those and they broke up and got back together and so on and so forth, but I've never been mentioned.

It's the past week, I've been thinking long and hard about my actions and how I want to let people treat me and realizing I do not want to be a homewrecker (which is what I am at the moment)

I've messed up, just need to rectify it, I havn't seen him since I have posted this so I'm unsure how things will go and how alcohol most likely will be around when I do see him.

P. Breathnach

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

...
I've messed up, just need to rectify it, I havn't seen him since I have posted this so I'm unsure how things will go and how alcohol most likely will be around when I do see him.

I am speechless. Do you plan to let alcohol govern important life decisions?

AlabamaWorley

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I am speechless. Do you plan to let alcohol govern important life decisions?

Nope, not at all.

It doesn't and hasn't for the majority of time spent with this man, I should have reworded what I meant. I have feelings for him which can affect how I treat him, such as I may end up arguing with him about this, or I may letting my inhibitions down and let things go.

As I've stated I am in two minds about how I feel about the situation, so I'm finding it difficult to make solid decision and choices.

Piliger

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

I've messed up, just need to rectify it, I havn't seen him since I have posted this so I'm unsure how things will go and how alcohol most likely will be around when I do see him.

Well that's the thing. Alcohol messes with the brain and you get results you never wanted to start with. Lessons there to be learned.

Don't obsess with the other woman whatever you do. She is his responsibility not yours. What matters is what the right course of action is for you and how you see your life going forward.

P. Breathnach

Piliger wrote: »

... Don't obsess with the other woman whatever you do. She is his responsibility not yours....

If you sleep with a man who is in a relationship, and you know that he has a partner and children, you have some responsibilities to them, because you might be affecting their lives.

blatantrereg

You come across as having a proper sense of responsibility, even if you aren't sure whether you want to pay any attention to it.

At 20 I might have considered being in an equivalent situation as adventurous or daring. Now I'm 32 and I just think it's seedy and horrible. I'm sure that looking back on this in future, you won't have any fond memories of this man or your time with him. The sooner you ditch him, the happier you will be in the long run. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you yada yada yada.

Anyway, you seem to have a strong sense of yourself, and I'm sure if you decide to end things with him you will have no problem doing so, nor regrets about it.

RDM_83 again

Just one short harsh point, if you keep seeing him what is the best thing that can possibly happen, is there any good outcome to this? Now think of the worst (and much more likely) that can possibly happen, you share a circle of friends rightly or wrongly you'l get a bad rep (as either a "homewrecker" or an easily manipulated young one) especially if the GF of the guy is also in that social group.

Piliger

P. Breathnach wrote: »

If you sleep with a man who is in a relationship, and you know that he has a partner and children, you have some responsibilities to them, because you might be affecting their lives.

With respect, no you don't. The person with the responsibility is the one with the partner and children. It is they who have the commitment. It is they who have the responsibility. Life is tough enough without taking on other people's responsibilities as well as our own.

Out Of The Night

I am astounded. Sex, feelings, immaturity, whatever. Another woman and her children are being hurt. Not just by the man but also by the OP. That alone should be enough to say 'I'm finished'.

johnr1

The situation you find yourself in is common enough in my experience. Quite a few ex girlfriends of mine had at some point previously been involved with guys who were either in long term rel.s or married, usually at around your age.

Invariably they looked back on those men with nothing but scorn and disgust, some for being just cheats, some for being predatory users, but most for being too weak to leave their situations if they genuinely weren't happy.
None were proud of their own part in what had occurred.
Another point:
I don't believe in Karma, but just imagine yourself forward ten or fifteen years and with a few kids, and a slightly flaky guy,- never gonna happen right?
Wrong, it happens a lot of women. Imagine the constant worry of keeping him onside, and wouldn't you like to think that a pretty young 20 year old who can have her choice of men would pass him by?
As someone else pointed out, while you are under no obligation to this woman, you appear to have some moral compass, and it might be something you'd later be very proud of if you stop this now.

Just saying like....

Piliger

... and people should remember that it happens all the time with married women too. I have seen it with two of my friends and my younger brother. Women suffer all of the same issues of having affairs and not eventually being prepared to leave their family.

The difference is that women, like in this thread, get blamed for the damage to the family, and men get blamed for being cheats. It is rare that the blame is dished out in the reverse.

Prejudice permeates all of these situations and that is why this OP should do what is best for her and leave all of the guilt rubbish to the guy.

johnr1

Piliger wrote: »

... and people should remember that it happens all the time with married women too. I have seen it with two of my friends and my younger brother. Women suffer all of the same issues of having affairs and not eventually being prepared to leave their family.

The difference is that women, like in this thread, get blamed for the damage to the family, and men get blamed for being cheats. It is rare that the blame is dished out in the reverse.

Prejudice permeates all of these situations and that is why this OP should do what is best for her and leave all of the guilt rubbish to the guy.

I agree totally, and probably should have addressed these aspects of it in my reply.

It is in my opinion a very rare situation in which it would be best for her to continue this. I outlined reasons why she, - for herself alone might feel better about it later on if she finishes it now, rather than waiting for it to explode as these things usually do. This however is just my opinion and advice.

Taltos

All this is an advice forum, please do not pull threads off topic by getting into debates.
Continued off topic posts will result in mod action.

Doirtybirdy

Ultimately,in a world with divorce in it,theres no such thing as taken,just degree's of messyness.

AlabamaWorley

sunflower27 wrote: »

You are behaving like a silly little girl.

Do you really think this is all just a bit of fun? You have a lot to learn in life.

One day, you or someone close to you will have to deal with the hurt of betrayal and you will see that life is not all fun and games and actions do have consequences.

The age gap at your age is significant. I can bet you he is not seeing you as his equal, but just a naive little girl who he can manipulate.

I get you are young, but come on, have more respect for yourself.

The fact a MARRIED man is prepared to sleep with you does not mean your are special or a chosen one, it means you are a woman prepared to take his sloppy seconds and not have a conscience.

You are not a prize and if you said no to him, don't fool yourself there wouldn't be another 'you' sharing his bed. Just something to think about.

I appreciate your reply, just to clarify, he's not married (not that it makes much of a difference) also if you read my OP I said 'and I know if he wasnt sleeping with me it would be someone else' I'm not fooling myself into thinking I'm special, I know what's going on, my question was how do I distance myself from him.

AlabamaWorley

Thanks everyone for your replies, appreciate it. I feel I can now make the right decision.

paperclip2

Piliger wrote: »

With respect, no you don't. The person with the responsibility is the one with the partner and children. It is they who have the commitment. It is they who have the responsibility. Life is tough enough without taking on other people's responsibilities as well as our own.

You see OP I don't agree with this. Of course the main responsibility here rests with this man but if you are knowingly hurting someone then you have a responsibility to stop. Make no mistake here, in this scenario you are hurting this mans partner and children. He is too but you can't change his behaviour, only your own.

I look at it this way. If your boyfriend was punching the living daylights out of another person would you hold that persons arms for him to do it.

Simplistic yes but not entirely wide of the mark in my humble.

Ultimately you will do what you will do but do take one leaf out of Piligers book and do whats best for you in the long run. I don't think that being with this guy is necessarily the best thing. After all even if you end up together could you ever fully trust him not to do a rinse and repeat with another girl?
Good luck.

Taltos

Closing thread.

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your replies, appreciate it. I feel I can now make the right decision.