Taking a break. Do they work?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I've done a good bit of reading online, but generally, the resources I have seen are in polished article format, with little personal experience input...

So here goes:

My girlfriend (23) and I (27) are currently trialling a "break" from each other after 1.5 years. We broke up last week (or rather, she broke up with me). I would do anything to make it work with her, I love her that much. The catalyst for our breakup was a very innocuous/trivial reason arising out of me doing "wrong", basically stemming from her ongoing jealousy issues. It was an accumulation of her frustration at how she feels daily. Her dumping me was justified by her assertion that she's a "mess" because of our relationship, and she acknowledged that in normal circumstances, the catalyst would be a stupid reason to break up.

Things are so so great for 95% of the time, I've never had a rapport with someone like this, and she says the same. However we both have trust issues up the wazzoo, rooted somewhat in our respective behaviours (neither of us have cheated, but there have been "damaging" incidents on both sides), but probably rooted more so in our respective past experiences/personal inadequacy issues. Her trust/jealousy issues are stronger than mine, but I'm edgy too. Ultimately our union should have been able to withstand a silly innocuous incident, but it didn't. One of the most frustrating motivators for a breakup to hear is that it's "her stuff", and that there's nothing I can do to change her mind, even though she loves me and I love her. Sex was still great right till the end, we are mutually supportive etc. too.

So since then we had a bit of an emotional weekend, spent it together by way of a serious event bringing us together, and have arrived at the idea of having a "break" from one another, rather than a complete breakup. She basically had a semi change of heart, and said she wants us to work more than anything, but "her stuff" is still very present, and we will end up killing each other if we don't both seperate and work on our own issues, coming back stronger.

I (initially) reluctantly fell into line, although I'm seeing the merits more and more (I guess). We have promised to remain faithful, and that the same parameters of what's acceptable in dealings with the opposite sex etc. stand, i.e. Flirting etc. We'll have limited communication, and meet up every week or so over dinner, discuss how we are getting on and what progress we feel we are making etc. Then we'll off on our (not so) merry way for another week, seemingly for however long as is necessary to make this work. There's no time frame, which is of concern to me too. I know she's not dangling me along, or I her; it's a legitimate play by us. She's very honest and isn't letting either of us down easy, it's a genuine honest attempt at this. I feel I can keep it in my pants, as I assume that she does too.


So has anyone any experience with this? What are the ground rules that people have observed, and do you think there is hope for us?

_dublinlad_

First of all, its not really a break if your meeting for dinner every week now is it?

It sounds like you two really had something very good together, but just had trust issues that have overlaped from previous relationships. There is no simple solution to fixing trust issues, it just needs to be talked out, maybe ask yourself (and her you) "is there any reason why I should not trust her/him" - this should help you reiterate that your trust issues are from past relationships and not this one.

LegacyUser

Thanks Dublinlad,

We traditionally spent about 5-6 nights a week together, all day wekeends etc, so it has been fairly heavy from the outset. This actually represents a 90-95% per week time reduction, and we'll both find it quite odd. It's the not speaking at all between weekly meet-up that is the main difference. We've even removed ourselves from each others' facebooks to facilitate the mystery/space factor. I guess while I'm not arguing your point, I am suggesting that this is about the best we can do without just forgetting each other by way of zero contact. A week is a long time for us.

She (as far as she is concerned anyway) has cause to not trust me; however this is slightly convoluted, and isn't FULLY fair, although I do accept I've had a couple of trust slips (not cheating) that have worsened the problem. Otherwise I think I'm an extremely good boyfriend (If I don't say so...), I do a lot for her, and demonstrate my love for her all the time.

Thoughts/Anyone else?

LegacyUser

Can you elaborate on what you did to weaken her trust? What have you said to her since then to try to convince her that you are trustworthy? Do you think your explanations made the situation better or worse?

_dublinlad_

OK, everything is relative I guess. I would see meeting up once a week as certainly not on a break - there is still a routine of reliable contact. However since you guys lived in each others pockets for some time, maybe its enough of a reduction to be of some merit.

Now that I think about it, I dont really get the reason for the "break". Usually a couple has a break when one or both members arent sure if the person is right for them - so they get some distance for a while to see if their life is better or worse without them, right? You two know you are right for each other... and simply have trust issues, mainly arising from past relationships. I dont really see how a break is going to help you guys, surely talking true these feeling would be more benificial? But sure if she suggested it, go along with it... im just playing devils advocate here

I think the reason why nobody else has posted on this tread is not because it isnt a serious issue (because it is) - but its because there is no easy answer here. You really do need to talk it out and show eachother there is no reason not to trust eachother, and if you continue on this way there will be a proper ending fairly shortly...

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies guys...

@tough call:

I don't want to go into too much specifics on a public forum, but it basically involved a meet up with an ex during a fight with my current girlfriend (of her instigation). Nothing happened physically with the ex, but I withheld the fact when my gf and I made up, out of just wanting a smooth relationship. I considered it a nothing as it meant nothing to me emotionally. I accept I did wrong, and damaged the trust though. She has previously also stepped the line by repeatedly flirting with 2 different guys, to the point that a mutual friend confirmed my concern without being prompted. I guess both incidents have left marks.

@ _DublinLad_

I hear what you are saying, and I have been tossing the actual merit of this thing over and over in my mind. It's not a break proper, so all we are effectively doing is depriving ourselves of physical intimacy, time spent with a person we love, and more importantly of a platform to constructively bash out our shared issues in a less artificial environment than across a table in public.

Still, perhaps on a very basic psychological level we are increasing the mystery/"miss you"/freshness factor, but in my mind the trade-off is potentially that we fall out of love by way of basically just forgetting about each other, or getting used to the other not being around. I think I'm gonna press if she really wants this or not, or if it was a product of her convictions in wanting to do the - or at least a - right thing following the breakup. At this point I personally see more benefit in resuming regular contact/time spent, and going to counselling, or at least proactively discussing our respective issues.

_dublinlad_

... "but in my mind the trade-off is potentially that we fall out of love by way of basically just forgetting about each other, or getting used to the other not being around" ...

Im sorry, but this does not happen when two people are in love. If you truely love another person and dont have any contact with them for a month (for example), there is no way that your love for that person should be diminished, even by 1%. If anything it should increase, it should make you miss things you didnt realise you even loved about the other person, show you what a void is left in your life.... etc

Anyway... obviously I dont know the full story and dont know you guys personally, but I will give you what I would do in your spot. I would meet with her and give her an ultimatum. Either fight for us and work through the trust issues, or end it right now. No hanging about, no games, just an answer. But thats just me.

daisybelle2008

Your girlfriend is only 23, she told you she is a 'mess' and frustrated daily being in the relationship. She asked for space to sort her stuff and get to grips with her issues.
Why can you not let her do that?
I would find you a bit suffocating too be honest in her shoes.
In any event, your relationship didn't sound healthy with all that jealousy over nothing. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity. She seems mature enough to realise she needs to sort that out away from you and come back together stronger is a possible outcome.

Work on getting less dependent on her, and more balanced during the break, be more productive and less clinging.