Wedding ruined relationship with my parents

mrs daisy

Hello I am new to this and just wanted to share a few of my thoughts about our wedding. I am recently married and love my husband so much. Our wedding day went really well and was a lovely traditional wedding. However, unknown to most people was the difficulties I had with my parents coming up to it. We were always a close family but there has been a few problems. My mum has a long term physical illness and depression. She can be very difficult and gets so down and critical. This isn't her manner with most people who know her to be warm and good fun. She is both these things but behind closed doors scratches away any little confidence or achievements.

Anyway.. money wasn't plentiful but, but being both employed and deciding we would only be doing it once, my husband and I went for the big (ish)day. I still regret having the 'big' do. From day one the list of guests my parents wanted got bigger and only once I said was there need for a couple in particular to be asked (in a nice way.. we haven't seen them for ten years as moved away) to get roared that and told that I was a big disappointment to my father. Just because they couldn't contribute to the wedding. I never expected them to pay anything to the wedding. I have always been independent and grateful for having a good home all my life fed and looked after and I paid for everything from when I got a job at sixteen and never took a penny through college or lived at home since.

Anyway.. after that I never opened my mouth again and was hurt. I planned the wedding on my own. Let them invite loads of people, didn't question anyone they wanted. Didn't know most people at the wedding. That wasn't the big problem though, when I rang from honeymoon there were digs about friends children not being asked and when the album came, 'ah it's lovely' but our friends aren't in it. the photographer wasn't great.. but we were happy with the album.. the immediate family on both sides.. everyone looked lovely.

Mums depression has got worse and since I married the comments are hurtful. I'm selfish for not going down to visit (I go at least twice a week), she needed medication to get through the wedding. My husband is a very quiet gentle man but strong at the same time under it and when he once said that she might be a little hard on me, she got dad to eat the head of him. We haven't been to my parents since. I got on my own. I don't blame him.

Sorry for the big offload. Just try and remember I am lucky. Mental health of family members are never talked about. I can't tell anyone what is going on.

Sleepy

+Well, tbh, **** them.

Your parents are arseholes and I'm sorry you let them stop them from having the wedding you wanted. Personally, if I was being treated that way, I'd cut contact completely or at least I'd certainly cut contact until they came crawling with an apology (which they will eventually if you leave it long enough for them to think about how awful they've been to you). Even if they didn't, what would you really be losing? Two people who don't care enough for their own daughter to treat her with some respect and be happy for her when she find someone to spend her life with? Who needs that in their life?

boogaloop

I'm very sorry to hear that you have regrets about your wedding day. That can't be easy. Your parents, or at least your mother in particular, sounds like she is very difficult.
Do you have siblings? Would there be any point in asking one of them (if you do have) to have a word with her, try & see how much she is upsetting you?
If it doesn't change then I would certainly pull back a little on visiting them. I think most families have one person who is just awkward to get along with.
I'm just starting to plan my wedding now. Totally different scenario to yours though, of the 4 parents there is only just my Dad remaining & he is quite ill, not really mentally fully with it & is in a care home. This in itself is going to cause issues as do I have the wedding close to where he is, or where I am? (120 miles of a distance).
Anyway, if I were you I'd concentrate on your (from the sounds of it) lovely new hubby, give yourself a break from the negativity of your parents & I wish you all the very best in your married life.
When did life get so grown up eh?!

padma

Sometimes we need to understand about the ones who are close to us. In your situation your Ma is very difficult. How you can deal with this effectively and not become emotionally drained is within you. The truth of the matter is your mother is depressed and God knows what is going on in her mind. It is better to not cut contact with your parents as they at the end of the day Love you very much I'm sure.

Do your best to not become bitter and resentful of your parents but, become more accepting of her condition and learn to keep a smile on your face. Seperate your emotional reaction from the nice feeling that you have towards your parents and then in their company just follow the nice feeling. Any viciousness that is directed towards you and your hubby choose not to listen to it. Some people have a lot of anger in them and it comes out as they get older, try to recognise this and do the old kill em with kindness method.

Choice is yours but at the end of it all your parents one day wont be here so it is worth your while to be a good daughter and make the most of a bad situation. These are the life lessons we can learn in order to help us overcome difficult emotional situations in our life.

Daisy M

I have a mother similar to yours but not diagnoised with depression. The way she is so different with other people is amazing, can someone who is depressed be able to control their emotions when they choose? Your mother sounds manipulative.

I think your husband was right to stand up for you and I think you should both as a united front tell them you wont tolerate been treated like this anymore. When I go to my mothers I usually try and go when someone else is there, this limits how much she goes off on one. If she does start I get up and leave even if I have only been there a few minutes. This works fairly well much better than defending myself or whomever she is badmouthing at that particular time.

westies4ever

god you poor thing - thats really tough. my own mum can be difficult and hard on me - mostly behind doors as well so i sympathise. i eloped for my wedding for a lot of the reasons you stated. best thing i ever did.

put some distance between you and your parents, enjoy and be thankful for your lovely husband. tell yourself everyday what a good and tolerant person you are. have you any siblings to talk to?

Calhoun

I can't believe the cheek of them actually saying you were a dissapointment to your father because you wouldnt invite certain people, i wouldnt have invited them to the wedding let alone any of their friends.

Then all the passive agressive crap after your wedding including your father shouting at your husband. It honestly sounds like they are still treating you like a kid and dont respect you like an adult.

I don't believe in the whole good daughter crap, just because they are your parents they dont get to be put on a pedestal and be pandered because they are "old" and might die. If it was me i would cut them out of my life completely until they change their tune or if you cant do that serverly distance yourself from them.

If you think they are bad now how do you think they will act when you have kids ect?

I hope this works out for you OP i really feel for you as you sound like a really cool daughter, you let them have their way on one of the bigger days in your life. I am paying for my own wedding and maybe i am a groomzilla but the way i look at it he who pays the piper gets to decide the tune that is played.

padma

Theres no "old" and might die, the guarantee is they will die. Strong support here for telling your parents to go and f themselves. Take it with a pinch of salt. They're your parents and it is better to rise against emotional upsets than take the easy bitter route which is promoted on Boards.ie.

leeroybrown

Different people have different relationships with their families but if I ended up in your situation it'd essentially have ended their future involvement in my life. No big fight, no big argument, just a sudden lack of any contact. Depression is one thing but letting it be an excuse to be a bully is another. As to those who suggest pandering to them I'd rather hack my own leg off than submit to emotional blackmail and bullying.

roro1neil0

This is a mess. They are treating you like a child. Are you an only child btw? They seemed to have treated your wedding like their big day, not yours. You shouldn't have let yourself be walked over. Your parents do not sound like they fully respect you. You would be wrong to cut them out of your life but you would be silly to let them treat you so disrespectfully. Your husband should not have allowed your father to 'eat the head off him'. You need to start doing things on your terms, do not let yourself be summoned to their house, do not let them boss you around etc. You don't want their bad attitudes rubbing off on any future children.

If I was you, I'd tell them to their faces to get over themselves, probably deliver some home truths. You'd run the risk of them 'banishing' you but you would hope they'd get over that.

stinkle

you need to confront them about this. My grandmother is a bully and treated my own mother like this for over 50 years. She too has mental problems (diagnosed when she went into a nursing home in her late 80s - should have been on meds all her life really). Like your husband, my dad challenged my grandmother whenever she was horrible to HIS wife and subsequently HIS children. A row always ensued as this bully couldnt handle being confronted, and was used to everyone running round after her/tiptoeing around to prevent her from exploding at random. Life's too short to put up with that.

As the poster above said, don't cut all ties with them, but be sure to assert yourself. This behaviour wont magically stop, but you can certainly avoid bearing the brunt of it by putting yourself and your husband's feelings ahead of such emotionally draining people.

mrs daisy

Thank you so much everyone. How I am dealing with it is to go home and try and carry on as normal but it hurts so much. My siblings have moved aborad. My dad works away from home and is not home much so she is on her own a lot. I can't abandon her even though logic is telling me to walk away and I am so grateful for the replies as I know if I was giving myself advice as if I was a stranger, I would prob say that too. I couldn't do it. Only get one mother at the end of the day. She is sick but she can manipulate. She told me once, when I stayed away to try and see would an apology come (for 2 weeks.. I didn't even phone) that I was making her want to take her own life.. I can't run the risk of that though my husband cannot stand her now at all.

Life is crazy.. on the plus side... I have a lot to be thankful for. I am very positive (mostly) apart from this side of my life.. I don't deal with things the way she does. Love my work and home and though it takes a lot of tears in bed at night, i try and start each day happy

Calhoun

mrs daisy wrote: »

Thank you so much everyone. How I am dealing with it is to go home and try and carry on as normal but it hurts so much. My siblings have moved aborad. My dad works away from home and is not home much so she is on her own a lot. I can't abandon her even though logic is telling me to walk away and I am so grateful for the replies as I know if I was giving myself advice as if I was a stranger, I would prob say that too. I couldn't do it. Only get one mother at the end of the day. She is sick but she can manipulate. She told me once, when I stayed away to try and see would an apology come (for 2 weeks.. I didn't even phone) that I was making her want to take her own life.. I can't run the risk of that though my husband cannot stand her now at all.

Life is crazy.. on the plus side... I have a lot to be thankful for. I am very positive (mostly) apart from this side of my life.. I don't deal with things the way she does. Love my work and home and though it takes a lot of tears in bed at night, i try and start each day happy

Nothing like a good old bit of emotional blackmail by threatening to take her own life, utterly despicable and very low.

You owe her nothing op, so what if your siblings moved on i would too if my mother was acting like that.

As you have made up your mind to deal with her I will leave you with this last piece of advice, do not let her ruin your relationship with your husband. Him already starting to not like her is due to the inaction on your part, as he sees the affect it has on you as you are taking it all on the chin and allowing her to control you.

Toots

mrs daisy, we have a Personal Issues forum on Boards, which might be more appropriate for your thread. If you'd like me to move it over there, please let me know

Gatica

Very sorry to hear about your problems with your parents. It sounds like you have tried to play it their way and it is still firing back.
There's nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. It does not mean that you hate your parents and are saying "fe*k them"... I don't agree with that at all. Whether it's your parents bullying you or your partner or a school-kid on the play-ground bullying a smaller kid, it's still bullying.
Sure they're your parents and someday they'll be gone, but that does not mean you have to put up with it.
I can understand why your husband does not wanna visit your parents who mistreat you and him. You sound like you've been doing your best to still go down and see them. Let them know why you're feeling hurt, or maybe it really is a matter for professionals to deal with them.
I think you've already been making the best you can out of this awful situation as it is. Well done for that. If you have the strength to put on a smile and put up with them because their behaviour is as a result of deep psychological issues, then do. However, there's no reason you should be putting your own mental health down the drain just because theirs is. Look after yourself and your husband and any future children first, if you can look after your parents too, then good for you.

PS: This thread probably belongs in the Personal Issues Forum though..

Tomk1

mrs daisy wrote: »

My siblings have moved aborad. My dad works away from home and is not home much so she is on her own a lot. I can't abandon her even though logic is telling me to walk away

Sounds as though everyone else has walked away. google 'bullying in the family' it's amazing how people can be oblivious to it happening to them and even unaware of themselves being manipulated & used against another. Not meaning to be unsensitive, but are you sure her sickness isn't being used/played upon as a tool for guilt & control of you, as this does sound where your at & everyone else have legged it. No advice apart from read up on it.

Sleepy

Next time she threatens to self harm, threaten her back: tell her if she mentions it again you'll have her "sectioned for her own safety". A woman of her age will probably believe it can happen (as it would have back in the day).

Don't give into her bull****. She ruined your wedding, don't let her ruin your marriage. The rest of your siblings have seen sense and removed her from their day-to-day lives, I'd recommend you follow suit.