Would u date someone with an illness?

ifellover

I know this will sound awful to some.

Theres this girl that I like, she ticks all the boxes, a pretty girl who is a really kind person.
She is girlfriend material.
Problem is she has a long term illness, she suffers from colitis, an inflammatory bowel disease. She has been in and out of hospital, and is on a load of meds.

The logical part of my brain says not to go out with her, it will be too much drama, and there's plenty of other girls out there.
The emotional side of my brain (some would say my penis) says to go out with her and u could end up in a great relationship.

Any opinions? What would u do?

Catari Jaguar

My boyf has Crohn's disease, pretty similar and it was hard because some days he couldn't get out of bed and lost loads of weight... was in and out of hospital. It felt like I had to make all the effort to see him, but he needed me. My parents told me to break up with him, which I just thought was awful... Imagine if I was in the same situation and on top of all that he dumped me. They'd prob have had his head!

I am a friend

How does it affect her life on a day to day basis? Can she have kids (if thats something you would want) given the meds she is on?

rainbowtrout

ifellover wrote: »

I know this will sound awful to some.

Theres this girl that I like, she ticks all the boxes, a pretty girl who is a really kind person.
She is girlfriend material.
Problem is she has a long term illness, she suffers from colitis, an inflammatory bowel disease. She has been in and out of hospital, and is on a load of meds.

The logical part of my brain says not to go out with her, it will be too much drama, and there's plenty of other girls out there.
The emotional side of my brain (some would say my penis) says to go out with her and u could end up in a great relationship.

Any opinions? What would u do?

Drama???? Drama is going out with the girl who picks a row with you in the pub/nightclub because you looked sideways at the girl who was standing beside you at the bar while you were ordering drinks as you thought you recognised her from secondary school, and then spends her time making up and breaking up with you.

Having an illness isn't drama, it's something she has to deal with, something that is not her fault and she can't change.

Colitis is something that can be treated with diet and meds. In this girl's case it must be severe enough that she's spent time in hospital. Does it put you out a bit too much that you might have to visit her in hospital from time to time? If so, let her find someone else with a bit more empathy because most people spend some time in hospital during their lives, some more than others and if you classify that as drama, maybe you're not ready for a relationship.

hondasam

ifellover wrote: »

I know this will sound awful to some.

Theres this girl that I like, she ticks all the boxes, a pretty girl who is a really kind person.
She is girlfriend material.
Problem is she has a long term illness, she suffers from colitis, an inflammatory bowel disease. She has been in and out of hospital, and is on a load of meds.

Treated with meds and diet, it's not life threatening nor will it stop her doing all the things she wants to do.

The logical part of my brain says not to go out with her, it will be too much drama, and there's plenty of other girls out there.
The emotional side of my brain (some would say my penis) says to go out with her and u could end up in a great relationship.

You certainly are very dramatic so I'm assuming the drama will come from you.

Any opinions? What would u do?

This girl deserves someone better than you imo.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm writing this from the other side of the fence - I am the girlfriend with the long term illness. I suppose my circumstances were a bit different as I was pretty stable when we got together, but I'll give you my story anyway!

I am on a lot of meds, do have rough patches, can't go out as much as I'd like, may have probs with pregnancy etc. etc.

When I had my first rough patch while we were together (about 2 years into our relationship), I did put it to him that I understood if he didn't want to wait with me, that the "drama" might be too much. He had no such concerns at all, he loved me for who I was and this didn't make a difference to him.

For me, I would have understood if he didn't want to wait with me, but I feel that if he didn't I was probably better off without him. I need somebody who is with me through thick and thin, for better or for worse, just like he needs me for the good times and the bad.

I suppose my advice is that you need to decide if you can deal with it or not. Your girlfriend needs to know that you are going to be there for her, through the good times and the bad. I also would advice you to put yourself in her shoes - how would you feel if you woke up tomorrow morning and developed a long term illness or had a serious accident. Or if you had some other problem in your life (family problems, employment issues etc etc) How would you like her to react??

I hope I have helped in some way. I wouldn't think any less of you if you couldn't handle it as your girlfriend would be better off without you if you can't handle it

Best wishes

leeroybrown

Honestly, no. If I had already ended up in a relationship with someone with a long-term illness perhaps but I really couldn't see myself knowingly starting a relationship with someone with a long-term illness that affected their lifestyle. I'm sure some people will think me a bit of a bastard for it but I like my lifestyle and freedom and I don't think that a relationship that negatively alters it is really a long-term prospect.

Pa Dee

ifellover wrote: »

I know this will sound awful to some.

Theres this girl that I like, she ticks all the boxes, a pretty girl who is a really kind person.
She is girlfriend material.
Problem is she has a long term illness, she suffers from colitis, an inflammatory bowel disease. She has been in and out of hospital, and is on a load of meds.

The logical part of my brain says not to go out with her, it will be too much drama, and there's plenty of other girls out there.
The emotional side of my brain (some would say my penis) says to go out with her and u could end up in a great relationship.

Any opinions? What would u do?

It depends on the illness tbh. If an std then no way

dearg lady

Pa Dee wrote: »

It depends on the illness tbh. If an std then no way

Does that go for all STD's? Bit over the top IMO.

OP, it really is a personal thing. I know I would find it difficult, but if I really liked someone I would do it. Relationships do involve some sacrifices, but obviously you don't want to end up resenting her for the level of sacrifice. How does it actually effect her day to day, as in once she's taking her meds can she live a normal day to day life? How often does she end up in hospital?

Piliger

OP - I think you are in a very difficult situation that requires a hell of a lot of introspection and maturity, in a way that most guys don't need to think about. No matter what anyone says it is not just a straight forward situation.
I don't have a solution but I know that you have to find some way of continually balancing your feelings for her, and your worries about what it will lead you in to. You also need to be aware that she probably has greatly heightened sensitivity to dating because she knows guys are reluctant. So her heart will be in your hands.
On the other hand if you feel strongly about her, then it would be sad if it got in the way.

A difficult one and I feel for you.

Best of luck.

PrincessDee

I have colitis and there's a lot worse illnesses u could have!it (more than likely) will not be all drama...most of the time is spent in good health.u can go 10 years with no flare ups....I'd be insulted if someone felt like that about me....go for it!!!its not an issue

LegacyUser

OP, I married a healthy man that one day got very sick. I remembered clearly the night my husband became gravely ill. I thought he had the worst case of the flu. We went over to A & E and he had bloodwork done. That was the night which changed our lives forever. My husband was diagnosed with Hep C. It was from a blood transfusion he got years ago from an auto accident.

I am still with my husbaAnd and I do love and care for him but it was not easy. He is sick a lot of the time and frail. His liver is not functioning very well and is currently on a waiting list for a new one. I will be honest that I am one of the remaining few that is still married. As I attend support groups, the counsellor told me many have divorced or left their partners because it was too stressful to deal with. There was a lot of adjustments that would impact the healthiest of relationships. It certainly stressed me out at the beginning as my role changed from being his wife to his caretaker and the breadwinner. Is this what you are worrying about, OP? If this is not something you want or envision, than my advice would be leave it. But keep in mind, one day you too can become chronically ill. Whether it is diabetes and your leg has to be amputated or severe asthma and have to sleep with a medicinally infused oxygen mask at bedtime.

I personally think the fact that you know what you are in for would be far less daunting than being with someone who falls suddenly ill. At least you're prepared and know what to expect. The decision is yours as to what you want to do and if you are emotionally mature and capable enough to handle something like this. All relationships are hard work regardless if someone is ill or not. If you are too concerned over her sickness and hospital visits and questioning about this now isn't a bad thing. But if you think you cannot handle this so called drama than really forget about it. It is not fair for her and certainly you do not want to end up resenting her either.

ElleEm

OP, I think the fact that you are even querying the "drama" her illness will bring shows that you are not mature enough to deal with it.

I was diagnosed with MS a year and a half ago. My partner has been AMAZING. We are together six years, so we were secure in our relationship when I got diagnosed. A lot of things have changed for both of us since then, but we make it work because we love each other.

If I ever heard him, or ANY of my friends/ family refer to what I am going through as "drama", I would not be one bit impressed.

CathyMoran

When I met m y husband I had already studied his condition (crohns) so I had a rough idea what it entailed but nothing could prepare me for how upsetting it is when he is ill. Having said all that I do not regret for one second being with him - he is a great man and I love him. Yes, there will be some upsetting times ahead but you ae dating the person not the illness.

As it turns out I ended up being really ill and my then boyfriend was the one who made me go to his gastroenterologist (I was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer) and I am still alive today thanks a lot to him. He is also great with our children. The point is that you do not know what the future may bring.

Daisy M

My decision would be based on whether the person alloes the illness to define them. My husbands neice has this illness she is in her early 20s and will not work or study because of it. Her facebook updates are either all about how ill she is or which takeaway she is eating from. Its all drama and she has allowed her illness to take over her life this has gone on for at least 5 years.

I have a long term illness and I will admit it took over my life for sometime, for well over a year if not closer to two, but I refuse to allow it to take over my life anymore. I give it the attention it needs and no more I am careful with it but I dont take exaggerated care and I rarely talk about it!!

_dublinlad_

My ex-girlfriend had fairly bad colitis. She was in hospital for a few days every few months for tests and procedures and now and again she would have bad turns and be very ill for a few days. It also effected what she could eat and drink to a large extent.

In saying that, she did not let it rule her life and in many other ways she was stronger for having it. I was with her for over 4 years and looking back now it didnt make a difference at all.

So to answer your question, yes you should go for it. Frankly you would be stupid to let that stand in your way. Frankly, as another user alluded to - the question here maybe should be "do you deserve a girl like this if you need to ask this question"... food for thought

bp

Hi OP,

I have a chronic illness (a different one) and had it for a few years before meeting my now husband. We were together just over two months when I got really really sick. I offered to break up, he said no way and we went from strength to strength. I am sure it is hard on him sometimes when I am tired etc but he doesn't complain - just worry. we met when I was 19 just to put it in perspective. That said it is a personal decision and there will be tough times and you will naturally worry about all that she does. It isn't the be all and end all your relationship, it comes down to how both of you deal with it yourselves.

_Whimsical_

Daisy M wrote: »

My decision would be based on whether the person alloes the illness to define them. My husbands neice has this illness she is in her early 20s and will not work or study because of it. Her facebook updates are either all about how ill she is or which takeaway she is eating from. Its all drama and she has allowed her illness to take over her life this has gone on for at least 5 years.

I have a long term illness and I will admit it took over my life for sometime, for well over a year if not closer to two, but I refuse to allow it to take over my life anymore. I give it the attention it needs and no more I am careful with it but I dont take exaggerated care and I rarely talk about it!!

Already the OP likes this girl so I'm sure she is not a whinger. Also illnesses differ greatly. Some require little attention or accomodation to lifestyle,others require a lot. It's actually very difficult to judge exactly what someone is coping with from an outside perspective so I'd be reluctant to take someones debility as a measure of their personal strength or personality.

I have been very ill at times, to the point that long periods passed where I couldn't get out of bed and was in a very bad state. I had a boyfriend during some of these times and the severity of my illness did affect our relationship but it wasn't a constant cloud.Infact during those times I had some of the best laughs I've ever had and he's told me they were some of the best days of his life. I remember the silly fun we had even when times were awful... like roasting marshmallows over a night light candle on my bed as a campfire and laughing so much that we nearly set the bed alight. I remember being in hospital and having him visit and us both laughing and whispering about the strange meanderings of a lady in a bed down the ward. It was by no means all doom and gloom.

I would say that the illness will dominate her life and dictate what she does.Hopefully it'll only rarely be bad enough for it to be a big issue. I think the important trait in someone you're having a relationship with if theyre ill is a personality to appreciate that while their life is dominated that yours doesnt have to be. That they'll be someone who'll still want you to go out and have fun and do the things when they can't and that they'll be then eager to hear all your stories and be happy for your joys when you come back from your adventures.
Thats speaking as someone who's been on the severe end of the scale in terms of debilitation.Hopefully your situation will be less so.

If there's a connection between you and you feel she has a spirit to let you share her life and still encourage you to have the full life you want to then I'd say go for it and don't rule her out. People who go through hard times also usually have an enormous amount to offer. They know how to be supportive, they know how to make the best of good days and bad days. You could go out with someone healthy who is a huge drain on you because they're forever moaning about work or family issues. Decide if you like her for her, if you do her circumstances won't be as important.