planning for life alone?

LegacyUser

i guess im looking for a bit of advice/guidance.

im female, 37 yrs old and single. i dont have a problem exactly with the single part. i was in a relationship for 7 years which broke up about 5 years ago. it was the right thing as i just wasnt in love with him anymore, i did love him, still do, but 'it' was missing. he was a great guy, we got on very well, he wouldve made a great husband and father, the best.

since then i was seeing a guy for few years on and off, he wasnt half the man my ex was but i was mad about him. he couldnt commit and still regularly wrecks my head getting in touch. i know this is going nowhere and im not interested in messing around with him anymore.

so, lately, what with getting old and all, i have realised that i have probably missed the boat, i dont want to be an old mammy, i was never particularly interested in marraige for the sake of it.
i guess i look back to my ex and feel sad that i couldnt have been mad about him, he was perfect. and instead i fell for someone, big time, that would never work out.

i just think now i should be realistic, get on with my life knowing that its unlikely i will find someone and have kids. neither of which used to be a big deal to me but now i probably wont have it, it makes me sad. very sad.

i need advice on how to get on with things and forget about ever finding the right guy.
what do i do? what do i plan for my life now those things dont seem to be an option?
i know people are going to say its never too late etc etc but i dont feel i have the heart to go through all that again.
i need advice on how to move on, so to speak. i would be interested to know if there are people older than me on their own, how do they keep busy etc?

all my friends are settled and have kids.

Daisy M

I personally dont think you should be planning for a life on your own, the reason I say this is because you never know what is around the corner and you should never believe that anything is set in stone, you may end up blinkered and not taking opportunities that present themselves to you as you believe they are not for you anymore. Live your life and make the most of it everybody should do this whether they are on their own or part of a couple or family. Focus on the now do things you want to do, go places you want to go basically set about putting yourself first and if opportunities arise grab them if that is what you want to do. Dont be afraid to take chances!!

LegacyUser

op here, dont get me wrong, im definately not one of those girls that sits waiting for a man!! i have a life, its just that as i get older and my friends are settled my life involves visiting them and staying in. i dont mind that, i love catching up, but it just makes it hard to do anything else if you know what i mean.

midnight_train

I did read through your post, OP, but I just wanted to add a little story ... my mam was a nun until she was in her mid-30s. Long story short, she left the convent, NEVER thought she'd get married or have kids. And then she met my dad when she was in her late 30's, married less than a year later, and had me and my brother, just shy of 40. And this was in the 1970's, 37 was a hell of a lot older back then than it is now.

I'm just saying - I don't think it's time to give up yet - you say that not having kids and marriage makes you 'very sad.' Then don't let go of that dream yet. Honey, if an ex-nun can find love (and she was hard-core, in the convent for 17 years!!), I think it's pretty possible that you can too :-)

Sorry if that's not the response you wanted. But I really think you shouldn't give up hope just yet.

xxx

I am a friend

I dont agree with the other posters... Now bear with me here...

I think you need to let go of the idea of having it all as you will only torture yourself otherwise.. I was in your shoes exactly, same age etc and had broken up with someone who had promised me the sun, moon and stars... Most of my friends were married and I realised quickly how hard it was, at that age, to meet someone decent.

I made the difficult decision to accept the fact that I probably would not meet someone and would not ever have kids. It was a very hard thing to do but once I got my head around it I moved on with life and didnt question if every guy I met was 'the one' or if I would meet someone special on every corner. I just enjoyed myself and really blossomed during that time. I truly truly believed I would never have a family and I think that must have come across to people I met as I never had as much attention.

The happy ending came from an avenue I never thought possible and I am now, less than 3 years later, the Mammy of a small baby and very happy with my oh. My point is that if this is something that is occupying your every moment and is making you unhappy and constantly disappointed when relationships dont work out, then you need to let go and get on with life afterall 'life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'. Good luck.

Oh and being an old mammy is not the worst thing ever.

Daisy M

I am a friend wrote: »

I dont agree with the other posters... Now bear with me here...

I think you need to let go of the idea of having it all as you will only torture yourself otherwise.. I was in your shoes exactly, same age etc and had broken up with someone who had promised me the sun, moon and stars... Most of my friends were married and I realised quickly how hard it was, at that age, to meet someone decent.

I made the difficult decision to accept the fact that I probably would not meet someone and would not ever have kids. It was a very hard thing to do but once I got my head around it I moved on with life and didnt question if every guy I met was 'the one' or if I would meet someone special on every corner. I just enjoyed myself and really blossomed during that time. I truly truly believed I would never have a family and I think that must have come across to people I met as I never had as much attention.

The happy ending came from an avenue I never thought possible and I am now, less than 3 years later, the Mammy of a small baby and very happy with my oh. My point is that if this is something that is occupying your every moment and is making you unhappy and constantly disappointed when relationships dont work out, then you need to let go and get on with life afterall 'life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans'. Good luck.

Oh and being an old mammy is not the worst thing ever.

Thats what I meant but I didnt word it as eloquently as you!! I think the op should focus on living a life that will make her happy and fufilled but not close herself off to any opportunities that may arise.

LegacyUser

i am a friend, that is exactly what i was talking about, i need to forget the notion, move on, my question is how exactly?

its hard to find things to keep me occupied when all my friends are settled. thats the big problem, i can deal with being alone if i have something to keep me busytaught

LegacyUser

OP, I am in the same boat - 37, single (permanently so!) and wondering what to do with my time. My hours of ruminating on this have led me to this conclusion - if I am simply trying to fill my spare time with 'something', anything to fill the void that being permanently single brings, then maybe I am not quite ready to give up on men? If I was, surely it wouldn't be an effort to fill my spare time, it would be something I would enjoy, or even relish? My impression of a lot of single women (myself included, I hasten to add!) who are always doing some activity, joining some group or filling their time somehow, are simply trying to forget the hard fact that they will be going home, yet again, to a meal for one and an empty bed. Harsh, but to my mind true. Just be sure that you really HAVE given up - don't fall into the trap of becoming a middle-aged single woman who doesn't have a minute to herself, but yet is totally alone. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, but I can feel myself falling into this trap, and if you can avoid it, do so. Go on a blind date or two - A woman I know from work met her hubby this way and has just had baba no. 2!

desolate sun

realisticgirl wrote: »

its hard to find things to keep me occupied when all my friends are settled. thats the big problem, i can deal with being alone if i have something to keep me busytaught

OP you need to cultivate other friendships with single people. Being around couples all the time will just make you question your single existence.

It is almost like you think your life is over now, which it is so not. I am the same age as you and in the same position but I have single friends and we do lots of things together like nights out and holidays. I am not constantly thinking of finding a man. I am enjoying my life right now.

Hanging around couples/couples with families can lead to not going out, not necessarily joining clubs etc. You will never meet anyone staying in having a quiet drink in someone's house.

Get out there, meet new people, join new classes / groups.

And you are not an 'old' mammy! People have babies well into their 40s.
I feel the most attractive now than I've ever been!
Good luck OP

I am a friend

Sounds dramatic but you need to grieve for the life you may not have and then just give it up... If you convince yourself it will never happen then you will be able to disassociate from it. Not easy but I do think it's necessary in order to move on

Zhora

Op, I am 40, single female and I do not feel old nor feel like I've missed the boat on life. Ive had relationships and am continuing to get out there and meet people. Age really is just all in your mind. I think sometimes it seems like we've missed the boat so to speak on marraige and kids because of comparing our lives to others but we shouldn't. Everyone is different but focussing on the idea of being alone will just give you more of that feeling. It takes courage to go out there and try new things, meet new people but you'll find there are a lot more single people in their 30's, 40's out there than you realise. So perhaps you are being given a gift to take some time now to focus on yourself, find out what you like to do, what's your passion, interests and go out and explore them. I heard it said by someone recently that if you wish to find/meet the right person than you have to become the right person for you. For me I decided with my spare time to go and give something back to society so I volunteered at a local animal shelter and it has led to other things and to new friends which never would have happened if I had of been in a relationship nor had the courage to get out and try new things. So don't beat up on yourself, be happy with where you are now and discover new things about yourself. This is your life, you get one shot and so no more sitting around waiting for things to change. There is a quote, I think Mahatma Ghandi said it, be the change you want to see in the world. Which basically means when you change so then will the world around you. Things will start happening in your life if that is what you choose. All life is choice, what will you decide to choose for yourself? Best wishes my friend and remember we are never truly alone, that is just an illusion.

Distorted

You're younger than many women who get divorced and find themselves single. I've got a female friend of 48 getting married soon, who ran away (!) the first time round!

What I've noticed with female friends single in their thirties is that some of them made it their main mission in life to find a man to get married to. They devoted all of their spare energy to it. Some did online dating very seriously, going through all the listings in detail, initiating contact, dropping contact if no date quickly enough, going on one or two different dates a week, and so on. They're all married to guys they met online now.

You have to question whether this is your priority ie do you want to make it such a mission that everything else in your life becomes almost secondary to it (even maybe waiting for the guy you feel really special about?)

Because its not that hard to get married, even at 37. Some very unattractive and impersonable people get married, and you sound lovely.

fits

My philosophy is to lead the best life I can lead with the resources available to me at the time. Some years ago I decided to move back to a rural area because long term thats where I wanted to be. I have my own hobbies and pursuits which I was always interested in devoting more time to, and currently I am able to do this. Basically I am suiting myself. You only have one life so do what you want with it.

If someone comes along (and there is a someone at the moment) then thats brilliant, but if they dont I know I have a good network of family and friends around. I have my own long term plan. Of course these plans can change but dont put your life on hold for something to appear.

I think thats the best you can do.

Very important to have single friends too. There are plenty of single people out there! And so much fun to be had.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies, i think maybe i gave off the wrong impression. im not searching for a man, i never have, i just toddle along and if i meet someone great! i guess its just dawned on me now that the chances of settling down are, lets say, less likely now!

this isnt something i show, its just in my head. no one who knows me would ever think that this entered my head! they definately wouldnt think i was sad about it!!
i do have some single friends, they are all younger than me though.

i do need something to do though, something to put a bit of spare time into. i have a dog, who takes up quite a bit of time!
i work long shifts and am off odd hours and days, unfortunately.

maybe im just feeling bit stale/bored!

i appreciate all your help and suggestions though, i think i will look into volunteering, maybe even a course if i can work it around my hours!! thks all, you have really helped me to look at things more positively again!