My child's mother's boyfriend 'sleeps over.'

Murichu

Hello all. Looking for people's thoughts and experiences regarding this particular issue.

My daughter is three years of age. Myself and her mother broke up when she was ten months old. We were together for seven years. Specifically, she left me for her current boyfriend, who she works with. I take care of my daughter from Friday morning to Monday night each week, sometimes Tuesday. For the first ten months of my daughter's life I was her primary carer, as her mother worked, and we lived together. Needless to say my daughter and I are extremely close.

Six months after we broke up I discovered that she had left me for her current boyfriend. In fact, whilst pregnant she would often call to his house to be with him, under the guise of having to discuss work issues. I had my suspicions, but trusted her. It turned out she was smoking weed with him regularly, whilst pregnant. She still does so and worse I believe. I often get messages from her over the weekend that were meant for her friends, describing her fcked up state.

My daughter is at that age where they repeat everything. She tells me everything also. For the past few months she's been mentioning him a lot. I asked her mother about this and she told me he sleeps over sometimes while she has custody of my daughter. I believe they are living together, but she denies this, and tells me it's none of my business anyway.

I don't approve of him, his influence, or this. Any advice, shared experiences, etc would be appreciated!

Moonbeam

Do you have guardianship rights?
Personally I think they are both adults and have being seeing each other long enough that it is acceptable for him to stay over but if their behaviour around the child is inappropriate then it is another issue.

eviltwin

As long as he is not doing anything damaging or dangerous I don't think you can do very much.

You and your ex have been apart a long time now and she is entitled to move on - as are you. You can't stop her having a life. Its obviously a fairly serious long term thing too so having him stay over or move in is the next logical step.

The drugs thing is a different issue altogether though, I would be very concerned with that and think as a dad you have to do something although I am not sure what you can do. But its not the environment any young child should be in. But you say this has been going on since before you child was born and she is now 3 so I wonder why its taken you so long to address it....could there be more than a touch of jealousy here?

PinkFly

It could be worse my ex called my 6year old son yesterday morning to tell him he wouldn't be over as he was exhausted from Sh€gging someone he met, I didn't realise he was still half pissed/out of his face

To be honest if they are in a steady relationship it could work out better for your daughter

I know it ain't easy but unless you see actual negative harm towards your daughter there's nothing really you can do!

Murichu

Moonbeam wrote: »

Do you have guardianship rights?
Personally I think they are both adults and have being seeing each other long enough that it is acceptable for him to stay over but if their behaviour around the child is inappropriate then it is another issue.

Yes I do.

I agree, although I don't like it. That said my daughter knows who her father is. Above all I would appreciate her mother to be honest and to inform me of important matters relating to our daughter. I shouldn't have discovered this from my three year old. I am concerned that their behaviour is not appropriate whist in custody, namely drug taking, but I have no real means to prove this.

Murichu

eviltwin wrote: »

As long as he is not doing anything damaging or dangerous I don't think you can do very much.

You and your ex have been apart a long time now and she is entitled to move on - as are you. You can't stop her having a life. Its obviously a fairly serious long term thing too so having him stay over or move in is the next logical step.

The drugs thing is a different issue altogether though, I would be very concerned with that and think as a dad you have to do something although I am not sure what you can do. But its not the environment any young child should be in. But you say this has been going on since before you child was born and she is now 3 so I wonder why its taken you so long to address it....could there be more than a touch of jealousy here?

Yes I agree, people are entitled to move on with their lives. My issue is that her partner is not a good influence to have in my daughter's life.

I have addressed it before, and was satisfied to an extent. The messages I recently received have renewed my suspitions and concerns. Jealousy is not a factor. My daughter's welfare is.

Murichu

PinkFly wrote: »

It could be worse my ex called my 6year old son yesterday morning to tell him he wouldn't be over as he was exhausted from Sh€gging someone he met, I didn't realise he was still half pissed/out of his face

To be honest if they are in a steady relationship it could work out better for your daughter

I know it ain't easy but unless you see actual negative harm towards your daughter there's nothing really you can do!

That's terrible!

I was thinking as much, thanks for your input.

the_syco

Murichu wrote: »

It turned out she was smoking weed with him regularly, whilst pregnant. She still does so and worse I believe. I often get messages from her over the weekend that were meant for her friends, describing her fcked up state.

Let her know that if the kid inhales the smoke from weed, that it'll effect her when she grows up, and will effect her in school, etc.

Have a read of http://www.barrington.ri.gov/bayteam/MarijuanaTeenUse.pdf

Up until yoiu're 18 or so, frequent use of weed can feck up your brain (it can prevent your brain from deleoping correctly), so calmly ask the childs mother to ensure that the child is not in the same room as where the marijuana being smoked.

As for the boyfriend, you have no say. You're not husband and wife, so she can see who she likes.

TrixIrl

Seems like a tough position to be in with her drug taking etc. Like if you suspected your daughters teacher/babysitter/doctor of taking drugs, even "soft ones" in her presence you'd be horrified. In fairness her mother has every weekend "off", surely this should be ample time for her to get her party on?

Keep the texts etc - you never know when you might need them!

But on the subject of her boyf sleeping over, your said in your OP that you split up when your daughter was 10 months only and you now suspect them of carrying on before this. So say from when the baby was 6 months. Shes 3 now so tbf your ex and her partner are together 2.5 yrs - I think its about time he was allowed to stay over. Just imho of course...

PinkFly

Yup as much as it's terrible in fairness how can I can anything? There's billions of things he does that I don't agree with, like keeping him up till one and two in the morning when he's on sleep overs, smoking in his company, not turning up when he should,

I can't run back to court everytime anything happens, I just take note of everything, maybe you should do the same esp regarding the drugs, keep the texts n if things get more ridiculous you could take it further then? That's just my two cents from experience hope it helps

Murichu

TrixIrl wrote: »

Seems like a tough position to be in with her drug taking etc. Like if you suspected your daughters teacher/babysitter/doctor of taking drugs, even "soft ones" in her presence you'd be horrified. In fairness her mother has every weekend "off", surely this should be ample time for her to get her party on?

Keep the texts etc - you never know when you might need them!

But on the subject of her boyf sleeping over, your said in your OP that you split up when your daughter was 10 months only and you now suspect them of carrying on before this. So say from when the baby was 6 months. Shes 3 now so tbf your ex and her partner are together 2.5 yrs - I think its about time he was allowed to stay over. Just imho of course...

Exactly, and I've made every attempt to impress that on her. I've kept the texts just in case.

I agree, but would've appreciated if she told me that was the case, and not learn it from my three year old. Drug taking in her presence is my main concern.

eviltwin

It might be worth giving someone like Barnardos a call and telling them of your concerns, they will give you some good techniques on how to handle it. Its a tough one because you know in your heart something is up but you can't prove it.

Sleepy

Do you know if she is taking drugs in your daughters presence? Because it's a much bigger, and obviously more serious issue than if she's simply having a few joints at the weekend whilst you're caring for the child.

Both myself and my partner are smokers but would never do so indoors, even in our own home, the Marlboros are had in the back garden.

I can understand your concern as to this man being a poor role-model for your daughter and their living arrangements are certainly your business if they're co-habiting (as sharing rent on her property would change her monthly outgoings which would form some of the basis of your maintenance agreement). Unfortunately, there's next to nothing you can do about this: you have no right to a say in her choice of partner (nor should you) and while you'd certainly have a right to know of any changes in her living arrangements, I can't imagine you having much luck enforcing them.

James Jones

Murichu wrote: »

Six months after we broke up I discovered that she had left me for her current boyfriend. In fact, whilst pregnant she would often call to his house to be with him, under the guise of having to discuss work issues. I had my suspicions, but trusted her. It turned out she was smoking weed with him regularly, whilst pregnant.

I really don't want to wreck what you have with your daughter but are you sure she is YOUR daughter? When did she actually start "calling"?

Chimpokomon

James Jones wrote: »

I really don't want to wreck what you have with your daughter but are you sure she is YOUR daughter? When did she actually start "calling"?

Just what I was going to post. I would be getting a paternity test quick sharp. She doesn't even have to know, you can get home testing kits from Boots and if the child says anything to her you can say you were taking her temperature.

Big Bag of Chips

Is your biggest problem that he "sleeps over" or his behaviour around your daughter?

Has your daughter mentioned anything he does that concerns you, or are you making assumptions that he is doing things in front of your daughter, that you'd rather she didn't witness, because of what you know about him?

Do you trust your ex to take care of her? Do you trust her to put your daughter's needs above her own and be responsible in her parenting? If not you should do something about THAT.

But, unfortunately, you get no say in who your ex goes out with, whether or not he "sleeps over" or whether or not you think he's a bad influence. If you don't trust your ex to sufficiently and adequately care for your daughter while in her custody, then you challenge that, and that alone. Without mention of her boyfriend. It's up to her to judge whether or not he is a bad influence around her daughter.

Murichu

James Jones wrote: »

I really don't want to wreck what you have with your daughter but are you sure she is YOUR daughter? When did she actually start "calling"?

I had entertained this notion for all of a nanosecond when her discrepancies came to light. She's undeniably mine. Her paternity isn't the issue. Thanks though.

Murichu

Chimpokomon wrote: »

Just what I was going to post. I would be getting a paternity test quick sharp. She doesn't even have to know, you can get home testing kits from Boots and if the child says anything to her you can say you were taking her temperature.

No need. Her paternity was never a matter for contention. Thanks for advice though.

Murichu

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Is your biggest problem that he "sleeps over" or his behaviour around your daughter?

Both. The latter raising concerns about the former.

Has your daughter mentioned anything he does that concerns you, or are you making assumptions that he is doing things in front of your daughter, that you'd rather she didn't witness, because of what you know about him?

She's three, so she's not in a position to articulate the mechanics of drug taking (not trying to be smart) I infer that inappropriate behavior is occurring owing to my prior knowledge of him, but more importantly text messages I received that were meant for others, that confirm my concerns.

Do you trust your ex to take care of her? Do you trust her to put your daughter's needs above her own and be responsible in her parenting? If not you should do something about THAT.

To an extent. Drugs are selfish by nature. I've raised the issue with her to no avail. What more can i do, apart from alerting appropriate authorities, which I'd rather not have to do.

But, unfortunately, you get no say in who your ex goes out with, whether or not he "sleeps over" or whether or not you think he's a bad influence. If you don't trust your ex to sufficiently and adequately care for your daughter while in her custody, then you challenge that, and that alone. Without mention of her boyfriend. It's up to her to judge whether or not he is a bad influence around her daughter.

I'm aware of that and agree under usual circumstances. However, as her father/legal joint guardian it's my obligation to ensure she has the benefit of a healthy environment. As a child it's her right. He's a druggie (put bluntly) He's hardly a good influence. I never used drugs. Neither did she when we were together. She began her habit due to his influence, mostly. If she smoked drugs while pregnant, I think its reasonable to infer she does so while caring for our daughter, especially in his company. Asides from a few text messages relating as much I can't prove anything.

To be honest, I think it's best I approach Barnardos, and document questionable events/keep records,as suggested by previous posters.

Murichu

Example of text message - "Yeah call over havin a few smokes!" :mad:

Forgot to clarify. I received the majority of these kind of messages (there's been a few) at the weekend when the child's in my custody. However, i received this one when our daughter was in her custody.

The Lovely Muffin

Murichu wrote: »

Example of text message - "Yeah call over havin a few smokes!" :mad:

Forgot to clarify. I received the majority of these kind of messages (there's been a few) at the weekend when the child's in my custody. However, i received this one when our daughter was in her custody.

How do you know for sure that that text message you posted meant the childs mother was smoking weed?

How can you be sure it was regular cigarettes such as rothmans, silk cute, superkings, major etc?

christmas2012

bottom line she smoked weed while she was expecting and still smokes around her..you got to do something about that its not a good example and very unhealthy breathing all that in..does your daughter ever look stoned when you pick her up?

Murichu

The Lovely Muffin wrote: »

How do you know for sure that that text message you posted meant the childs mother was smoking weed?

How can you be sure it was regular cigarettes such as rothmans, silk cute, superkings, major etc?

Seriously? Yeah call over, having a few Rothmans

How can I be sure it's not crack :pac:

Murichu

christmas2012 wrote: »

bottom line she smoked weed while she was expecting and still smokes around her..you got to do something about that its not a good example and very unhealthy breathing all that in..does your daughter ever look stoned when you pick her up?

Precisely! Question is what?

She doesn't and I'd know if she was.

James Jones

Murichu wrote: »

James Jones wrote: »

I really don't want to wreck what you have with your daughter but are you sure she is YOUR daughter? When did she actually start "calling"?

I had entertained this notion for all of a nanosecond when her discrepancies came to light. She's undeniably mine. Her paternity isn't the issue. Thanks though.

I'm really happy to hear that.
Sorry for bringing it up.

Murichu

James Jones wrote: »

I'm really happy to hear that.
Sorry for bringing it up.

No bother. It was a valid point to make. I had considered the possibility.

RoverZT

Feel for you Murichu, not easy to deal with a situation like this.

Besides

Planting some class A drugs in your ex's house.

Ringing the gardai from a phone that is not your own and saying your a concerned neighbour and fear for the small child in the house, having him arrested on drug charges and your ex being watched by social services

You don't really have much of a choice but to put up with it, without evidence.

Don't get mad, get even;)