do i have him all wrong?

LegacyUser

im so confused right now and need some outside perspective, ill try to keep this as short as possible.
a few years ago igot to know a guy, we have mutual friends and work for the same organisation though not in the same place.
anyhow, we hit it off, Big Time! friends for ages before anything happened, we were both about 2 years out of long term relationships, he had been heartbroken, mine had just ended mutually.
when we started seeing each other it was great, then after about 6 months he appeared to 'back off' so to speak.

and then started the cycle....
he would say he loved me, but we were never officially a couple. 'its not that easy' he would say, to me its very simple, if you love someone you want to be with them right?
we would talk on phone for ages, text for hours, but i might not see him for weeks. i'll just add here, we only live about 10 mins from each other.

things would be fine for few months, then he would back off again, i would get paranoid/anxious/want to know where i stood, he had some way off just ignoring all my anxieties and questions. he has never said he doesnt want to be with me. when we dont see each other for a while i would get the phone calls/texts saying he missed me, missed chatting etc.

he is geniunely not a ladies man, i know this for a fact. he says he is very private, i know thats true, his friends will tell you one of his hands doesnt know what the other is doing.

he's a good guy, everyone who knows him thinks he is sound. he doesnt talk about me to people. i have only ever been to one wedding with him, where i knew no-one!
i like to do nice things for people i love, wanna chat to them, see whats going on in their life etc. its like he doesnt care what i do from one end of the week to the next, he doesnt ask me questions and doesnt involve me in his life as such.

i dont understand how he can be such a good guy, say he loves me but just doesnt act like anyone that ever loved me before.

its like he has two different personalities, he is so guarded and private but such a nice decent person, who would do anything for anyone. except me it feels like.

i dont wanna argue with him, but its like he cant see a problem, he says im overeacting and a drama queen when i get upset. he cant seem to take my feelings seriously. its like theres no big deal.

we are in our 30's, i have never experienced anything like this before, never had someone behave like this. im so confused, he wants me, but wants to just drift along without ever having serious conversations about me and him.

i just dont know what to do, when we are together its the best thing i have ever had.

Pa Dee

sadsadgirl wrote: »

im so confused right now and need some outside perspective, ill try to keep this as short as possible.
a few years ago igot to know a guy, we have mutual friends and work for the same organisation though not in the same place.
anyhow, we hit it off, Big Time! friends for ages before anything happened, we were both about 2 years out of long term relationships, he had been heartbroken, mine had just ended mutually.
when we started seeing each other it was great, then after about 6 months he appeared to 'back off' so to speak.

and then started the cycle....
he would say he loved me, but we were never officially a couple. 'its not that easy' he would say, to me its very simple, if you love someone you want to be with them right?
we would talk on phone for ages, text for hours, but i might not see him for weeks. i'll just add here, we only live about 10 mins from each other.

things would be fine for few months, then he would back off again, i would get paranoid/anxious/want to know where i stood, he had some way off just ignoring all my anxieties and questions. he has never said he doesnt want to be with me. when we dont see each other for a while i would get the phone calls/texts saying he missed me, missed chatting etc.

he is geniunely not a ladies man, i know this for a fact. he says he is very private, i know thats true, his friends will tell you one of his hands doesnt know what the other is doing.

he's a good guy, everyone who knows him thinks he is sound. he doesnt talk about me to people. i have only ever been to one wedding with him, where i knew no-one!
i like to do nice things for people i love, wanna chat to them, see whats going on in their life etc. its like he doesnt care what i do from one end of the week to the next, he doesnt ask me questions and doesnt involve me in his life as such.

i dont understand how he can be such a good guy, say he loves me but just doesnt act like anyone that ever loved me before.

its like he has two different personalities, he is so guarded and private but such a nice decent person, who would do anything for anyone. except me it feels like.

i dont wanna argue with him, but its like he cant see a problem, he says im overeacting and a drama queen when i get upset. he cant seem to take my feelings seriously. its like theres no big deal.

we are in our 30's, i have never experienced anything like this before, never had someone behave like this. im so confused, he wants me, but wants to just drift along without ever having serious conversations about me and him.

i just dont know what to do, when we are together its the best thing i have ever had.

He sounds like a selfish man. You are best you get rid of him and find someone willing to put the time and effort into listening to you as you would expect in a relationship

Anny Hall

Hi Op,

Feel your pain, I really do. Could have written exact post about similar situation. I noticed your post is all about him. What about you and your needs? It is quite obvious your needs are not being met in.this relationship.

It sounds like this guy is controlling, he controls contact, what you can talk about, etc. Ignores your concerns and needs. It leaves you incredibly frustrated, and feeling insecure and needy. Not healthy.

When someone tells you or shows you how they are believe them. He had shown you quite clearly and its unlikely he will change.

Like I said I was with a guy exactly like this, it was confusing as in other ways he was great but I sense your frustration. It's not a nice feeling and not healthy for a relationship.

Trust your gut and value yourself and what you need. This guy has issues.

I am a friend

It doesnt matter what he does... What he doesnt do is make you happy and is keeping you from meeting someone who does.

He is hiding you and wont commit to a relationship so what does that honestly say to you?

I assume you are sleeping with him and this, to be honest, sounds to me like a FWB situation.

rainbowtrout

sadsadgirl wrote: »

im so confused right now and need some outside perspective, ill try to keep this as short as possible.
a few years ago igot to know a guy, we have mutual friends and work for the same organisation though not in the same place.
anyhow, we hit it off, Big Time! friends for ages before anything happened, we were both about 2 years out of long term relationships, he had been heartbroken, mine had just ended mutually.
when we started seeing each other it was great, then after about 6 months he appeared to 'back off' so to speak.

and then started the cycle....
he would say he loved me, but we were never officially a couple. 'its not that easy' he would say, to me its very simple, if you love someone you want to be with them right?
we would talk on phone for ages, text for hours, but i might not see him for weeks. i'll just add here, we only live about 10 mins from each other.

I could have written this post, more or less word for word. In a nutshell, he's not interested in a relationship with you. Might sound harsh, but in the long run you would be better off cutting ties with him.


yes, you are right, it is that easy, you live near each other, know each other well, nothing stopping you from being a couple, yet he won't commit. Never officially being a couple gives him huge leeway to do whatever he wants always with the cop out excuse of 'sure, we were never going out anyway'

sadsadgirl wrote: »

things would be fine for few months, then he would back off again, i would get paranoid/anxious/want to know where i stood, he had some way off just ignoring all my anxieties and questions. he has never said he doesnt want to be with me. when we dont see each other for a while i would get the phone calls/texts saying he missed me, missed chatting etc.

He wants the convenience of being with you when it suits him without the commitment of being in a relationship. He ignores your concerns, that's not being considerate of you. He doesn't say he doesn't want to be with you because he doesn't want to close the door on the convenience of being with you when it suits him. He says he misses you because it suits him to have a bit of company and also perhaps it's occurred to him that you might find someone else after a while, he doesn't want to commit to you, but he doesn't want you to have someone else either. I bet he never leaves it go too long without contacting you. Just gives you enough hope that there's something worth holding on for.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

he is geniunely not a ladies man, i know this for a fact. he says he is very private, i know thats true, his friends will tell you one of his hands doesnt know what the other is doing.

he's a good guy, everyone who knows him thinks he is sound. he doesnt talk about me to people. i have only ever been to one wedding with him, where i knew no-one!
i like to do nice things for people i love, wanna chat to them, see whats going on in their life etc. its like he doesnt care what i do from one end of the week to the next, he doesnt ask me questions and doesnt involve me in his life as such.

i dont understand how he can be such a good guy, say he loves me but just doesnt act like anyone that ever loved me before.

its like he has two different personalities, he is so guarded and private but such a nice decent person, who would do anything for anyone. except me it feels like.

I had this problem too. He doesn't have to be a ladies man, but he still won't commit to you. Private and guarded - maybe, some people are and there's no problem with it, but if you don't get to know people in his life you can't become part of it. Also if he doesn't talk about you to people he doesn't consider you to be his girlfriend or someone he considers seriously. That doesn't stop him being a nice person in other ways but not in the way you want him to be with you.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

i dont wanna argue with him, but its like he cant see a problem, he says im overeacting and a drama queen when i get upset. he cant seem to take my feelings seriously. its like theres no big deal.

we are in our 30's, i have never experienced anything like this before, never had someone behave like this. im so confused, he wants me, but wants to just drift along without ever having serious conversations about me and him.

i just dont know what to do, when we are together its the best thing i have ever had.

You may get on like a house on fire when you're together but he will not commit to you, he doesn't speak about you to other people, he won't entertain conversations about your relationship, he ignores questions he doesn't want to answer. This has been going on for more than 6 months. I did this for a lot longer than that, but I was the one who knocked it on the head. He wasn't all that put out, I was far more upset at the time.

If this guy really liked you you would be together, at present he has all the benefits of a girlfriend without actually having the girlfriend, he can initiate and control contact as and when he feels like it, I'm going to assume as it's been going on for so long that you have slept with him (open to correction on this of course), and if true has the benefits of regular sex again without commitment. This could easily go on for another 6 months without you getting any further except for it wrecking your head even more. For him it's little more than friends with benefits.

Personally I would say call a halt to it. It doesn't mean you have to ring/text/meet him and tell him it's over. Just decide for yourself it's over. Don't bother contacting him. Next time he contacts you, which will be within a few weeks if he is true to form, just tell him that you are not interested in continuing things the way they are and you're knocking it on the head. Take back control of the situation, because at the moment he is calling all the shots.

thefeatheredcat

I agree with the majority of all posts above me. But a few things stood out for me

sadsadgirl wrote: »

we would talk on phone for ages, text for hours, but i might not see him for weeks. i'll just add here, we only live about 10 mins from each other.

It sounds like he's happy to be somewhat friendly and emotionally involved but at a distance, happy to communicate through mediums where full communication (eye contact, body language, tone, affection etc) can never be fully engaged and where communication can be stopped at any stage for any reason.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

he has never said he doesnt want to be with me.

But he's happy to not tell you either way? Even if he is a nice person, he is not letting you know where you stand....indefinitely. Even if you ask you get the following:

sadsadgirl wrote: »

i dont wanna argue with him, but its like he cant see a problem, he says im overeacting and a drama queen when i get upset. he cant seem to take my feelings seriously. its like theres no big deal.

Yes, he puts the blame on you by saying you're over reacting and being a drama queen so it takes any blame about effectively leading you on without telling you where you stand to your emotional reactions that are negative, back on you. I doubt he's going to take responsibility or courage and say "this is the situation, this is what I feel, x, y, z" or "we're just friends, not in a relationship, but I do care about you emotionally but don't love you" that conversation is never going to happen and any attempts you make to push that you will get blamed for your own emotional reaction to it. He may be well guarded against getting hurt, but while selfishly never telling you where you stand, telling you that he loves you but happy to never actually offer anything, he's happy to ignore what you feel and not take your side and point of view on board, which will create further frustration on your part. And that frustration could build and hurt yourself in you blaming yourself for his behaviour and your emotional responses to the situation including feeling more insecure within yourself, even losing confidence. Is that really worth it?

sadsadgirl wrote: »

we are in our 30's, i have never experienced anything like this before, never had someone behave like this. im so confused, he wants me, but wants to just drift along without ever having serious conversations about me and him.

Yes and this suits him quite well. But what about you? He hides you, doesn't talk about you, never lets you know where you stand.... stay in this situation too long and you might realise better men and opportunities will pass you by while you wait around for this guy and you might look back with regret at wasting years, for the sake of what little this guy actively gives you. I'd be worried for you that you're just being strung along until the day either you're so stuck in the routine of it happy to play for whatever little he gives you and too afraid to look for something better to the point of feeling that anything better than him is undeserving.

Even if it's the best time you have when together, step back and look at it outside of it. Does it seem as equally worth it then?

LegacyUser

hey, op here, thanks for your responses. im embarrassed to say it is going on longer than six months. a LOT longer, humiliatingly longer.

yes, we have sex, but not even enough for me to say its like a friends with benefits, if it was i would hope to be getting it a lot more!! it could be weeks, sometimes months without sex.
its almost like he wants me to chat/talk with and after that comes sex. its not the most important i dont believe.

the more i read your replies, the clearer it all is. im not quite sure why its taken so long for me to see this 'relationship' properly.
when i say things about this to him, he calls me mean, he says im mean to him! just because i wanted to know where i stood and feel secure.
obviously that is never going to happen. i dont know how do i stop it now?
he is so used to things being like this, i would feel mean if i just ignore him.

ElleEm

sadsadgirl wrote: »

hey, op here, thanks for your responses. im embarrassed to say it is going on longer than six months. a LOT longer, humiliatingly longer.

yes, we have sex, but not even enough for me to say its like a friends with benefits, if it was i would hope to be getting it a lot more!! it could be weeks, sometimes months without sex.
its almost like he wants me to chat/talk with and after that comes sex. its not the most important i dont believe.

the more i read your replies, the clearer it all is. im not quite sure why its taken so long for me to see this 'relationship' properly.
when i say things about this to him, he calls me mean, he says im mean to him! just because i wanted to know where i stood and feel secure.
obviously that is never going to happen. i dont know how do i stop it now?
he is so used to things being like this, i would feel mean if i just ignore him.

Don't ignore him then.
Just say that whatever is going on with you is no longer working. But wait for him to contact you. I would wonder if he will think you are being "dramatic" if you contact him to tell him this, so wait for him to bother with you. Otherwise he may think you are just trying to get a reaction out of him.

You deserve someone to WANT to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
It sounds like you've been a handy number for him, giving him whatever he wants/ needs, and allowing him to create an atmosphere everytime you ask important questions.

I am a friend

sadsadgirl wrote: »

when i say things about this to him, he calls me mean, he says im mean to him! just because i wanted to know where i stood and feel secure.

And he is a nice guy because.....????

sadsadgirl wrote: »

i would feel mean if i just ignore him.

thats a cop out. you dont want to take action to change the position so you are using this as an excuse to do nothing..

He is mean to you (see above) and you let him be... TBH Op he is walking all over you and you are letting him.

I am a friend

ElleEm wrote: »

Don't ignore him then.
Just say that whatever is going on with you is no longer working. But wait for him to contact you. I would wonder if he will think you are being "dramatic" if you contact him to tell him this, so wait for him to bother with you. Otherwise he may think you are just trying to get a reaction out of him.

You deserve someone to WANT to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
It sounds like you've been a handy number for him, giving him whatever he wants/ needs, and allowing him to create an atmosphere everytime you ask important questions.

Absolutely true... Its been handy for him.

Distorted

This reminds me of a guy I used to sort of date. Could never quite let me go, but never quite commit to a relationship either. Thought he was "shy" and "mysterious" and "independent". Then I found out he was on an internet dating site, and met another of his "harem" of supportive female friends that he also strung along... Even once I got married, he started coming out with the wanting to be friends line, which meant him texting me at all hours, flirting with me, wanting to go on holiday (none of which I must point out he would have managed before I was married!).

Your guy just likes attention. Unfortunately for you he just likes that attention as and when it suits him, and he isn't thinking about you at all. I would disagree therefore that he is a nice guy, simply because he isn't sleeping around doesn't mean he is a nice guy (and for all you know...). He is simply a selfish guy who knows you have a soft spot for him and is taking what he wants from the situation without giving anything back.

IMHO theres only so long you can let a guy away with (as has been pointed out already) having the benefits of a girlfriend with none of the responsibilities. You have to draw the line now. He will continue to behave like this because you are letting him, so why should he not? He is getting what he wants out of it! As many posters have said, you have lost control and he has all the power.

I suggest you simply tell him what you need and why he is not providing it. You may have to repeat it several times. My betting is that he will do a runner and latch onto some other poor woman as soon as he can find one. For instance, say to him "I want a proper relationship with someone I see regularly. You are not providing that, so it looks like we will lose touch now". Text is good for this sort of thing if he won't meet up.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

and then started the cycle....
he would say he loved me, but we were never officially a couple. 'its not that easy' he would say, to me its very simple, if you love someone you want to be with them right?
we would talk on phone for ages, text for hours, but i might not see him for weeks. i'll just add here, we only live about 10 mins from each other.

Not exactly putting much effort in then is he?

sadsadgirl wrote: »

he has never said he doesnt want to be with me. when we dont see each other for a while i would get the phone calls/texts saying he missed me, missed chatting etc.

But he has never said that he has. He just likes to string you along for his own gratification.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

he is geniunely not a ladies man, i know this for a fact. he says he is very private, i know thats true, his friends will tell you one of his hands doesnt know what the other is doing.

No, he sounds quite useless in terms of relationships and making other people happy. The "private" thing is a bit of a red flag, if it equals secretive.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

he's a good guy, everyone who knows him thinks he is sound. he doesnt talk about me to people. i have only ever been to one wedding with him, where i knew no-one!

So he doesn't introduce you to his friends? Why not? Its most likely that he wants to be seen as single and available.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

its like he doesnt care what i do from one end of the week to the next, he doesnt ask me questions and doesnt involve me in his life as such.

Not a nice guy at all. Selfish, disinterested in others, except insofar as he can use them for his own purposes. No doubt he is also distancing himself from you so it doesn't give you ammunition for claiming dissatisfaction in an actual relationship.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

i dont understand how he can be such a good guy, say he loves me but just doesnt act like anyone that ever loved me before.

Look at his actions rather than his words, and the consistency and regularity of those actions. I think what he is doing is actually much more cruel than those guys who just look for sex and then drop contact once they get it.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

its like he has two different personalities, he is so guarded and private but such a nice decent person, who would do anything for anyone. except me it feels like.

Does he actually do helpful stuff for other people though? Or does he just like to portray a certain image? My guess would be that he has some sort of issue with forming relationships and getting close to people, but lacks empathy for others.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

i dont wanna argue with him, but its like he cant see a problem, he says im overeacting and a drama queen when i get upset. he cant seem to take my feelings seriously. its like theres no big deal.

Don't be afraid of arguing with him. He is not God. Be more assertive and state what you would like.

sadsadgirl wrote: »

i just dont know what to do, when we are together its the best thing i have ever had.

My guess is that if you actually saw more of him, you might find out you don't like him that much after all as a person, and it is the restricted contact that is making him seem more desirable than he is.

He's not an axe murderer, but he's not a particularly nice person either, because what he is doing to you is soul destroying. Most people are not selfish and would feel guilty at stringing someone along. I don't see the point in your continuing any form of relationship with this man, as he doesn't sound good for your mental health! He isn't a friend (friends are nice to you), he is barely a lover, he isn't a boyfriend, he isn't marriage material - even if you don't want a serious relationship, I'm struggling to think how he fit into any role in your life that would give you any satisfaction, because he is always going to arrange things so you are at his beck and call and feeling like the inferior one, grateful for a few crumbs of his attention.

daisybelle2008

Well to him it isn't a problem, as he is having the relationship with you that he wants. You, however want something completely different from a relationship, hence all the anxiety/paranoia and upset you are feeling.

At some point you need to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

If you want a more serious relationship with someone that has stronger feelings of commitment towards you, well then you need to look elsewhere for that as he has clearly demonstrated that that is not what he wants. The fact that you won't accept that is the problem.

Find someone on the same wavelength as you, it will honestly be a lot less frustrating for you and won't bring out all the negative emotions in you.

He is not your Mr Right, if you need him to be completely different to make you feel good about yourself. That is all wrong.

I don't agree that he is being 'selfish' and 'controlling'. He clearly just does not have the same commitment and feelings about the relationship as you do and is happy to go along with it just as you have been. But your wants (they are not needs) are not been met to your standards.

It is really up to you to pull the plug if you are the one not happy with the situation.

Really it is not his job to let you know where you stand, it is your job to figure out if this is the right relationship for you and act accordingly.

Why do you need someone else to decide your happiness for you?

You are acting very needy, clinging onto something like this, selling yourself so short.

Honestly it is hard for others to treat you well and respect your wants, when you don't do that for yourself.

fits

Been there before as well. Why is it so hard to see something for what it is when you're in it, I dont know.

Trust me, you will feel so good about yourself when you take control and end this.

Tenzing

He is being selfish with what he is doing to you. You are clearly not happy with the way things are, have raised the issue and he tries to discredit you each time and avoid discussion so he can maintain the upperhand.

You say this has been going on a while, your head must be wrecked. Being strung along like that is awful. Was there any indication at the start that the relationship might have been going somewhere?
It seems to be a common M.O. that it is all great and full on contact for the first while, then when the other party are on board the cooling off period begins but there is no movement to do the decent thing and make a decision.

That is when you must make the decision yourself. It is clearly going nowhere as it is. I know you want to be with him but if he felt the same he would not be upsetting you like this. You are going to have to bite the bullet I am afraid. It can either go 2 ways. He will cop on and treat you a bit better or he will cop on and let you move on.

Maybe write out everything you want to say if that helps. Don't let him string you along any further, it is not fair on you.

daisybelle2008

OP, you seem to be a bit of a people pleaser. That is a sign of low self esteem and is actually a form of manipulation.
All this frustration, anxiety and insecurity is 100% self created by you trying to have a relationship with someone who does not want the same things as you.

You seem to want others to like/love you but have not figured out how to do that for yourself. If you had you would not be letting yourself be strung along so to speak.
To be honest I don't think he is stringing you along. You are hitching yourself to him more than willingly with a firm agenda, that he really is not that interested in.

And the irony is you don't even love him. If you did you would not need him to be someone completely different and want something from him that he has demonstrated with his actions again and again he does not want. That could be called 'selfish' too.

People on here will keep telling you he is an assh*le etc. blah blah blah. But that is really not the problem. The problem is you and your choice of engaging with a relationship that is not serving you well.

Bashing him does not empower you. You really have a lot more power in this situation than you think. Sitting around waiting for him to change into something he is not is a lot more futile than you taking the reigns and deciding this is not good enough for you.

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Next time he contacts you, which will be within a few weeks if he is true to form, just tell him that you are not interested in continuing things the way they are and you're knocking it on the head. Take back control of the situation, because at the moment he is calling all the shots.

spot on!
he did contact me, to ask me for lunch on wed. then when wed came he sent me a msg asking to meet on Thurs!!!
this is typical. am going to send him a text telling him i dont want to see him anymore. i dont even want to ring him and tell him because i just dont want to talk to him.
maybe this is a cowards way but i know if we meet we will just get on like usual.and so it starts again...

Tiocfaidh Armani

sadsadgirl wrote: »

spot on!
he did contact me, to ask me for lunch on wed. then when wed came he sent me a msg asking to meet on Thurs!!!
this is typical. am going to send him a text telling him i dont want to see him anymore. i dont even want to ring him and tell him because i just dont want to talk to him.
maybe this is a cowards way but i know if we meet we will just get on like usual.and so it starts again...

Good stuff, you know what you need to do that's the first step:)

fits

sadsadgirl wrote: »

. i dont even want to ring him and tell him because i just dont want to talk to him.
maybe this is a cowards way but i know if we meet we will just get on like usual.and so it starts again...

Do it! you'll feel way better trust me. Like you're not waiting around for him to get in touch anymore. You'll miss him, of course you will, but it will pass. And you wont miss waiting around for him.

In future you'll know to make sure a fellow is putting in a fair amount of effort and integrating you into his life.

I wish we didnt have to learn from our mistakes but sometimes we do. I was in exact same situation two years ago, although I didnt let it drag on too long, but now I can see he had no respect for me at all

rainbowtrout

sadsadgirl wrote: »

spot on!
he did contact me, to ask me for lunch on wed. then when wed came he sent me a msg asking to meet on Thurs!!!
this is typical. am going to send him a text telling him i dont want to see him anymore. i dont even want to ring him and tell him because i just dont want to talk to him.
maybe this is a cowards way but i know if we meet we will just get on like usual.and so it starts again...

Well it's cold comfort for you OP, but his behaviour is at least predictable.

Your eyes are now wide open and you can see what is going on. Use that to your advantage now by doing what is best for you and taking back control of your life. If you want to 'end the relationship' by text, I think in this situation it's no harm. Remember he doesn't see this as a relationship, so he is not going to get hurt. You will probably find it a bit strange once you've done it knowing that you won't be meeting him anymore, but after a while you will find it a relief not dancing to his tune, not waiting for scraps from his table. You're probably not going to fall into this trap again either, you will see the signs and not get sucked in.