Why does he want space from me?

LegacyUser

Hi there, really need some advice and outside perspectives on this...

I have been going out with my bf for 3yrs, he is definitely the love of my life and i want to spend the rest of life with him. He has been so supportive and loving to me over the years and without sounding big-headed at all, people even say he is "under the thumb" with me because it is just so obvious how much he cares about me. Obviously it is not always perfect but at the end of every argument we always say to each other we know we're going to be okay and fix whatever it is no matter what.....and i genuinely believed that until recently....

The last few wks in particular have been stressful for both of us-I am finishing a masters and he is finding his job more difficult than ever (well I think most people are at the moment)..We have probably only had sex a handful of times in the last month (compared to 3times a wk approx) but I just put that down to tiredness and stress. But, he has definitely been more withdrawn from me in general and less affectionate-so much so I had to physically grab him for a kiss some days..!

Now i realise that after afew years, we cannot be all over each other every minute like before, we have also moved in together in the last 6 months which at the time seemed natural but maybe it was a bigger step than we thought..But we have always talked about emigrating after this summer to look for jobs and a new life..

Basically, I was so upset last week that I confronted him and asked him what was wrong..Since then, we have spent each night crying and talking about our relationship-he says that he definitely loves me and wants to be with me but he is just feeling lost and unhappy and he doesn't quite know why. He says that he is scared because I am about to decide on my future based on where we will move to.he is worried that down the line we won't work out and he will be responsible for me being in a different country having built my future around him...He wants to go away by himself for afew weeks and clear his head.....He said he has began to fancy other girls whereas before he woudn't even look twice at one and that he feels guilty for it. I told him it was normal (I fancy guys all of the time!) but he said he is scared because he cant be sure that he would never act on it now and doesnt ever want to hurt me....

What is going on with him???? He doesnt know himself so I suppose it is hard for other people to know but has anyone any ideas or advice?? I really really do not think he would ever cheat on me, he said it makes him sick just thinking about it..so why is he suddenly not 100% commited to me?? I feel like maybe i haven't been paying him enough attention I've been so stressed with college the last few months...I am heartbroken, have not eaten properly in days and am constantly nauseous at the thought that he doesn't want me anymore. I am going to mess up my exams if I don't sort myself out but I am completely devestated and I just can't help him or us when I dont know whats wrong....How come this time he isn't thinking we can get through this no matter what?I feel like he is just giving up because he is scared of the future but so are most people right? Sorry for the long post but just think it is important to get all of the facts....

Pa Dee

Getting space is a cowards way of breaking up. You are best rid of this one. Plenty more fish in the sea

I am a friend

Confusedddd wrote: »

he is scared of the future but so are most people right?

Nope. Most people would be looking forward to the future.

Sorry OP, but it looks like he doesnt think ye will work out and maybe it was moving in together that expedited this feeling. Its good that it didnt happen after ye went travelling or even were married. Dont give him space, tell him its finished and not to come back to you til his head is sorted out. You cant do anything at this stage to change his feelings OP so dont waste time trying.

daisybelle2008

Confusedddd wrote: »

Hi there, really need some advice and outside

Since then, we have spent each night crying and talking about our relationship-

What is going on with ?.......

Looks like he does not feel the same way. I would accept that if I was you and give a time out to sort himself out. Chances are the time apart will do you both good, and maybe he will feel differently. But seriously talking about it and crying every night together is not going to help the situation and that will do more damage. Maybe he is overfamiliar in your relationship. Give him time to miss you... If it is meant to be and all that ...

WhatNowForUs?

Sometimes people need a little space. A couple of weeks does not seem to extreme and I think you feel you can thrust him not to do anything stupid. just make sure you put a couple of lines in the sand for him not to cross if you know what I mean.

Piliger

Hi OP.

I think you are at a stage in your relationship where it can be quite scary for a lot of people. And things in life are not as black and white as you seem to feel they are when it comes to being committed. Guys especially have an negative instinct about 'settling down' and what it means for their future, and being 'tied down'. I suspect that he is going through that stage now and he may very well be talking to mates who are warning him about it...... as guys do.

So although asking for space can be an alarm bell in some situations, it is ridiculous to have a knee jerk reaction as some people above love to suggest.

I suggest that you back off and relax about his feelings. Allow him some headspace. Your negative reaction to his doubts are quite likely to scare him even more. Allow him to figure out what he wants in life and allow him some time. At that stage you can look for him to decide what it is he wants and hold him to it. But is it worth blowing a good relationship out of impatience ?