Hurt from father - Really need closure

LegacyUser

Hi,

Don't know where I should begin but here goes. My father did something awful years ago At first I got angry then I went through a phase where I didn't think it bothered me. Then I went through a phase where I freaked out and thought I was somehow like him. The last couple of years, i've been feeling sad and thinking of how i'd feel if he died and I never spoke to him. Any time I have a good few drinks, I end up listening to songs that remind me of him and crying, my bf is normally there and reminds me of this. I need to move on with my own life once and for all, and I really need advice of how to do this. People will recommend talking to him or something but I honestly believe there's no good that can come of that. He has shown no remorse or human compassion for any of the hurt that he has caused.

edellc

I think I understand your situation, I havent spoken to my father in over 11years now due to what he done and at first I found it very hard as up to then I had a good relationship with him, lots of banter

The first three years I found the most difficult as I cried a lot and was very sad about things, after a few discussions with close family members I realised that I could get in contact with him if I wanted to but it was me who had chosen to stay away from him for good reasons and those reasons still stood...Also in the three years he had never once tried to contact me and that spoke volumes to me...so I had two choices - either to carry on as I was which wasnt good or to let go and move on I had done my crying and giving him a lot of time as such which really he didnt deserve

I'm not saying it was easy it wasnt but 11years on I am so happy he is not in my life, I have no desire to see him or speak to him nor do I care what he thinks of me and I am very careful what I say to certain members of my family that still have contact with him as I choose, Yes I choose for him to know nothing about me

My mam died last year and he turned up at her funeral (again he hasnt had anything to do with her other than make her life a misery and a hardship) and guess what I didnt care I didnt want him there but I didnt acknowledge him either this was the last thing I could do for my mam and he was not going to ruin it

But it got me thinking about when he drops dead, would I go to his funeral and grieve and guess what no I wont and will not, I also do not want anything in his will he is nothing and no one to me and I am glad of that

OP you need to think hard about what you want and if you do decide you want to see him then do, it may prove to you why you have nothing to do with him at the minute and then you can move on or you may decide that you do what some form of relationship with him and thats fine too....life is too short to let others dictate our lives for us but one thing is for sure he may have hurt you in the past but dont let him define who you are in the future and keep on breaking your heart

peace and love OP x

Morag

Saddaughter you are grieving him and your relationship with him, just as if he was dead.
It will take time, but you will heal from it.

tudlytops

My father hurt me alot and over the years i tried and tried again to make things better, to forget and move on...

but something can not be forgotten, we can learn to deal with them, to survive them, but never forget them and therefor there will always be a part of us that will hurt...

As time when by, we have had less and less contact, until my only contact was a Skype name...about 2 years ago i made the decision to delete that name, it was very hard and it took me a long time to do it...but I do not regret it..

Sometimes, i still feel this knot, I still hurt, but I am happy I put an end do it and moved on...

Starokan

hi op, that's a difficult situation. If you really need closure then you really need to speak to him, other than that you will always have what if's in your mind.

A lot depends on what you want from him, is it more so that you have things to say to him or are you seeking understanding as to why he did what he did.

If as you say he will never show remorse would you be willing to put the past behind you and move on with a relationship with him from here.

I guess what will really influence your decision is the seriousness of what he did.

Overall I would say judge what impact having him in your life would be. Will there be any positives or will it be a series of negatives. You have clearly been through a lot already, don't put yourself through more unless you are very sure of the outcome

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the responses.

I really would like some answers on why he did what he did or for him to show some remorse which probably won't happen. What he did was very serious and unforgivable. I am sick of him having an impact on my life. I feel like i'm being weak about the situation i'm normally a very strong person. My bf is so wonderful and lets me have my moments and never judges or questions it, but it's getting embarrassing every time I get a bit jarred I carry on like this.

tudlytops

Saddaughter wrote: »

Thanks guys for the responses.

I really would like some answers on why he did what he did or for him to show some remorse which probably won't happen. What he did was very serious and unforgivable. I am sick of him having an impact on my life. I feel like i'm being weak about the situation i'm normally a very strong person. My bf is so wonderful and lets me have my moments and never judges or questions it, but it's getting embarrassing every time I get a bit jarred I carry on like this.

You may never get the answers you seek, my guess is that he has none to give you, but you must still be able to move on.

For years what my so called parents done to me, the way they treated me was eating me inside and eating at every one of my relationships, friends, family, every single relationship, every part of my life was being affected by this, until it seamed to consume me and take over everything.

I am not ashamed and i do not hide my past anymore, i am who i am because of it, good stuff and bad stuff, believe me when i say I know how you feel.

If it helps try one more time, but at some point you will have to find peace...Your own way to move on.

The past is just that, and you can not let it dictated you future...i will not say what doesn't kill makes you stronger, because in my experience that is not so...but it does make you who you are today.

Sometimes the answers are there right in front of us, deep down we know them, but we do not want to see them, because they hurt to much, sometimes its better to just let go...

saa

You are strong because you carry on and your feelings pass, what are things that move you from feeling upset to balanced again? and what are things that trigger bad feelings, when it comes to songs you need to stop fearing them or fearing thinking about the past event or it will have power over you, you cannot control those outside factors so the first step is becoming aware, if a song comes on you leave and take some deep breaths, until eventually you find the strength and tools to deal with those feelings that come up when you return home or at a counselling appointment rather than through crying at the time.

I've gone through the same thing and the biological urge to have a parent is strong for a couple of years but then you grow as a person, if someone is causing you pain you need to cut them out it does not matter if they are related. This sounds like quite a serious issue and other members of the family may side with him and I've found its too difficult to manage a relationship with those either or with anyone who will tell me oh its family you cant just do that, yes I can.

I strongly advise seeking counselling because this is not something that can be done easily alone it can often spark negative coping patterns and thoughts, you need to fill your life up with good things and start again and see yourself truly as an independent adult who only allows good people into their life so they will not feel pain for a bad person not being in their life for they know that if that person were to be in their life their pain would be even greater.