Feelings for work colleague

LegacyUser

I have a really cringey problem that's affecting my life a lot right now.

Some background info. I work in the same place as my boyfriend of 4 years. We've been working together for 2 years. I lost my job and he kindly put in a word for me and I got hired at his place. Working together is generally good, we get on really well and it's a lot of fun. There's a good buzz at work with everyone.

Here's where the problems start. There's one guy, who's slightly senior to us, who myself and the bf get along really well with. I wasn't sure about him at first but my bf invited him to several parties at our house and we've gone hiking and climbing with him and his wife (we're all outdoorsy types) and now we're pretty good friends. Over the last 6 months, I've found myself chatting to this guy a LOT and seeking him out at work. We get on like a house on fire and enjoy each other's company. And I'm pretty sure that there's now quite a strong sexual undercurrent there. Now and then one of us will make a joke and maintain too much eye contact, things like that. When we were out together at a work thing recently, both of us went on and on about how much we love our partners and I'm sure that he knew as well as I did that we were essentially trying to tell each other (and ourselves) that there's nothing between us.

To make it clear, I don't WANT there to be anything. I do love my partner and he loves his wife, who he married just over a year ago. But I don't know what to do about these feelings. I was paranoid that other people could tell something was up and my worries were confirmed last week when a colleague asked me if something was going on. I tried to play cool and ask why on earth she would say that and she said there's ridiculous chemistry between us and she'd also seen him kiss me goodbye on the forehead at a work party, which she found overly affectionate (I have to say, this was in full view of my boyfriend and everyone else).

I feel like an awful person for having these feelings and the sensible thing to do would probably be to avoid him as much as possible, but he really is a very good friend, we have the same sense of humour and above all else, it would look weird to just drop him suddenly. We're invited to his wife's birthday party in 2 weeks and I'm just dreading her twigging that I fancy her husband but at the same time, it's going to be lots of fun. I just feel like I'm being deceitful even though technically I've done nothing wrong and don't intend to. I've never cheated on a partner before. Help!

LegacyUser

worriedatwork wrote: »

Over the last 6 months, I've found myself chatting to this guy a LOT and seeking him out at work.

Stop doing this.

AhInFairness

worriedatwork wrote: »

I feel like an awful person for having these feelings and the sensible thing to do would probably be to avoid him as much as possible

I feel for you pet but I think it really does come down to this.

You don't need to suddenly become rude or ignore him, but stop seeking him out. Keep yourself occupied with other things in work that will keep you from his company. You say he's a friend but if you have developed feelings for him then this has clearly gone beyond a friendship and you need to decide if you can stop these feelings and go back to a purely platonic relationship. I personally doubt it will be that easy.

If you genuinely want your relationship with your boyfriend to last you'll stop playing with fire and keep yourself out of situations where you might be tempted. You could also try some inner reflection and maybe work out what's missing in your own relationship that you have started to look elsewhere.

One thing to note also, it may just be one colleague that commented on the spark between the two of you but there could very well be others that have noticed and just aren't brave enough to ask you. This is your place of work and things could get extremely messy, very quickly.

Would you consider looking for a job somewhere else? Are you and your boyfriend spending too much time together with this set-up which may have led to you becoming bored with your relationship? I could be miles off the mark but it might explain this attraction and the seeking him out business.

I think you need to be extremely careful here as 2 serious relationships could be irreparably damaged and you could jeopardise your employment. Would it be worth it for the sake of what could simply be an ego boost at the back of it all?

LegacyUser

Hi,

It's definitely not an ego boost. I genuinely like this guy as a friend and get on really well with him. In fact, myself, the BF and him are like a 'threesome' at work - we eat lunch together, hang out together etc. It would be perfect if the guy wasn't so attractive. And I forgot to add earlier than he IS incredibly handsome. I'm sure other colleagues have noticed. There have been a few other, more subtle comments about how well we get on and how much he likes me.

As it happens, myself and the BF are planning to leave but not for another 6 months or so. I might just try to stop seeking him out so often. One thing I have realised that whatever is going on between us goes both ways. I thought for a while that I might be bothering him with my frequent visits and that perhaps I liked him way more than he liked me but when I got busier at work, I stopped talking to him as much and he noticed immediately and asked why. If I make a point of not going in to chat to him, he'll find an excuse to call me in and ask me something. Now, how much of this is that he genuinely just enjoys my company as a friend, I don't know, but there's something there.

So as I said, nothing is ever going to happen. I'm not worried about that. He's in love with his wife and they're trying for a baby and even if I were single, I'd never get involved in that. It's more that I'm worried that my feelings are becoming more and more obvious. I will maybe just try not to talk to him as much and make an excuse about the wife's birthday. I'm so sad but I'm also really afraid of hurting people.

LegacyUser

I agree-you need to distance yourself from as many personal engagements with this person as possible. There is obviously an attraction there which imho is normal to have when you are in a relationship with somebody else but it is what you choose to do with those feelings is when it can get messy...Would you really jeopardise your relationship now with the love of your life for what will probably only be less than a seedy affair if you both act on it??

Its ok to be attracted to other people-but maybe you are spending more time and giving more attention to this man than your boyfriend? That is surely going to strengthen any feelings of initial attraction..look at why you are not giving your boyfriend all of your attention these days, is there an inner problem in your own relationship that you need to spend more time focusing on?

rainbowtrout

worriedatwork wrote: »

Hi,

It's definitely not an ego boost. I genuinely like this guy as a friend and get on really well with him. In fact, myself, the BF and him are like a 'threesome' at work - we eat lunch together, hang out together etc. It would be perfect if the guy wasn't so attractive. And I forgot to add earlier than he IS incredibly handsome. I'm sure other colleagues have noticed. There have been a few other, more subtle comments about how well we get on and how much he likes me.

As it happens, myself and the BF are planning to leave but not for another 6 months or so. I might just try to stop seeking him out so often. One thing I have realised that whatever is going on between us goes both ways. I thought for a while that I might be bothering him with my frequent visits and that perhaps I liked him way more than he liked me but when I got busier at work, I stopped talking to him as much and he noticed immediately and asked why. If I make a point of not going in to chat to him, he'll find an excuse to call me in and ask me something. Now, how much of this is that he genuinely just enjoys my company as a friend, I don't know, but there's something there.

So as I said, nothing is ever going to happen. I'm not worried about that. He's in love with his wife and they're trying for a baby and even if I were single, I'd never get involved in that. It's more that I'm worried that my feelings are becoming more and more obvious. I will maybe just try not to talk to him as much and make an excuse about the wife's birthday. I'm so sad but I'm also really afraid of hurting people.

You need to stop this right away. It's not like you're going to be able to avoid him, but stop creating situations at work where you have to talk to him more than is necessary.

How would you feel if your work colleague was female instead of male and she and your boyfriend behaved like this? Would you be happy seeing her kiss your boyfriend on the forehead or vice versa?

You've described your work colleague a fair bit here but said nothing about your boyfriend. And if one person has spotted the chemistry between yourself and the boss, you can be guaranteed other people have. It makes great office gossip whether you like it or not. People love to speculate. It's only a matter of time before someone with a few too many drinks passes some remark to your boyfriend.

It's also not fair on this guy's wife, he's only married to her a year. You mightn't be able to stop him flirting with you, but you can stop yourself reciprocating.

I am a friend

worriedatwork wrote: »

I'm also really afraid of hurting people.

Like his wife, your friend? Or your husband? Whats wrong between you and your oh that you need this kick from your mutual friend?

LegacyUser

Well, here's where it gets complicated. It is a workplace with a lot of close friendships. My boyfriend DOES often hug female colleagues in a way that might be inappropriate elsewhere. He was right next to me when our boss kissed me on the head and didn't bat an eyelid. My boyfriend also knows about the comments from colleagues because I told him. I'm also pretty sure that he knows there's an attraction there on some level. Obviously I'm never going to admit that there's any sexual attraction but he's not an idiot. As far as I know, he's not bothered because he trusts me and knows I wouldn't cheat. He doesn't really care what people think as long as I don't deceive him and I've always had to be the same re his friendships with female colleagues.

But I'm not naive enough to think I'm not stepping on thin ice a bit here. Not because anything is ever going to happen, but we've had a few quite personal conversations recently and to me at least, it feels like we're hovering over the border between friendship and emotional infidelity. If we were both female, there would be no issue at all but for some reason talking about feelings, problems etc seems inappropriate.

As for why I'm not giving the BF my full attention...well, I suppose to some extent, I try to avoid him a bit at work because otherwise working together and living together would become really OTT. So I have actively tried to make friends with other people and unfortunately the person I get along best with is this guy.

I guess all I can do now is scale it back and try not to seek him out when I don't have to. Myself and the BF are supposed to be staying at his house for the whole weekend (he has a nice house in the country) in a couple of weeks - need to get out of that, I think. Not sure how to explain to the BF that I don't want to go anymore!

Piliger

OP - this is all about what you chose to do, and not about how you feel pr moralising.

This kind of things happens to many many people. Far away hills are greener, and guys who are attached are COMMONLY a big attraction and easy to get on with for girls. I apologise if that is sexist but it is my experience and that of many others

What matters is what you chose to do about these feelings and what the implications are.

If you pursue this course of action what will happen ? You will lose your partner ... and what will this man do ? Will he break up his marriage for you ? If he does how will you feel ? are you prepared to then marry him ? if not where does he go ? ............. you see there is a major network of fallout that comes from following this course

My own view ? stay away from him. Sorry if that is simplistic, but that is the way it looks to me.

Best of luck.

chocolatrose

You must have a very easy going boyfriend. From everything you have just said, I'm surprised your behaviour with this guy hasn't become more of a concern for him. You need to detach yourself completely from this work colleague because you obviously can't seem to have any interaction without having some sort of vibe between ye. It isn't fair on anyone to continue down that road. I'm sure if you love your boyfriend you will do the right thing. But to be honest, I would wonder why your attention is wondering from the guy you love

LegacyUser

Well, I've been trying to avoid him at work. He's still being a bit affectionate/flirty/friendly - not sure how to take it. I deliberately looked away when I saw him coming into the canteen and he gave me a punch on the arm.

Later, he came into the staff room and it was just me there. We were discussing a colleague who'd brought a guy friend (whom she wants to get with but she's not sure if he's interested) to the pub after work on Friday. I told him that it had been a bit awkward cos everyone went out to smoke leaving me, my colleague and her guy friend at the table and I felt like a bit of a third wheel. My boss asked me if the guy seemed to fancy our colleague and I said, 'not really, to be honest, I think he might be gay.' Then my boss said, 'He probably fancied you.' I didn't know what to say to that or how to take it so I just said 'hah, I doubt it.' Is that a flirtatious remark or not? How should I have responded? What do I do now?

LegacyUser

It sounds like harmless flirtation to me. I don't see it as a huge deal, as long as nothing happens and nothing really inappropriate is said. There's often some sort of 'spark' between male and female friends. As long as it's not acted on, I don't see the issue.

Starokan

This is a really difficult situation, If you do not end whats happening here your whole world will come crashing down around you, the ramifications of something happening will change everything.

Go back to before you started to work and develop feelings for him, could you have imagined even thinking about someone like this behind your boyfriends back.

It seems to me like your feelings are reciprocated, if you keep having as much contact work wise and socially as you have now, something will happen.

Perhaps if you both feel that strongly its meant to happen but based on your posts you dont want to jeopardise things with your boyfriend, if thats the case change your behaviour now, its easy to sugarcoat things but in essence you are at fault here as is the other guy.

LegacyUser

I can't believe this was posted so long ago. 4 months on and the situation is the same except now his wife is actually pregnant. I'm so happy for them but no less obsessed. I've come to realise that I don't think I actually fancy this guy, as in I actually couldn't imagine myself kissing him or having sex with him. I just love talking to him and being around him.

I'm strongly considering leaving to go travelling (with my BF) and he begged us not to leave because we're his best friends at work. It's so easy to talk to him, we have the same sense of humour, same opinions on most things and (cringe) often say the same thing at the same time like couples do. I just can't work out what I feel. I think it is love/affection but not lust or sexual attraction. What is this? I really should probably leave but I'm dreading not seeing him anymore. My boyfriend keeps saying how much he'd miss him but I know I feel much more strongly. What to do???? Is it really possible to have this kind of platonic obsession with someone?

Ellsbells

Where is your bf in all this? You are treating him so badly.

shinikins

If both you and your boyfriend get on so well with him, what's to stop you raising the subject some lunchtime? 'Mary in accounts thinks we fancy each other and I'm concerned that she gets that impression' That way, everyone knows what's going on and you can work together to do something about it.

Gooner111

worriedatwork wrote: »

Is it really possible to have this kind of platonic obsession with someone?

Answer no! You say you can't imagine kissing/sex and state platonic obsession - sorry I don't buy that. Maybe you've convinced yourself of that because he is married with a child on the way and your spoken for but lets say both you were single right now... would you want more????

Maybe I am totally wrong but overall from your description of everything this is not just a normal friendship especially when words like love/affection/obsession/dread are being used. Are you close with any female friends....you'd miss them if you went travelling, right but would you dread not seeing them during that period... no I bet you wouldn't. Your relationship with this chap isn't just platonic at least on your part. If it were you'd have no second thoughts about it, wouldn't be on here and would be going travelling without worrying about missing him. It sounds like your going away with some friends and leaving the boyfriend behind.

Do a dear deirdre on it... What would your reply be to a writer who is worried because her bf is extremely close to a good married female friend of theirs and they appear to have an emotional connection?

I'd suggest that while travelling you distance yourself from him to sort out your feelings. Avoid texting him and if he texts you take your time replying...reply once every few days. Keep them short and basic - non conversational!!!. Some time from him should let you get some perspective and let you evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Well, he isn't single and never has been in the time I've known him, so it's impossible to say. As things stand, yes, I think it is platonic. No, I wouldn't feel the same about female friends, but I hardly have any female friends. Almost all my friends are male and always have been. I know this situation isn't 'normal'. The other night, we (me, bf, colleague) were having a drink after work (just one) and work colleague told us he loves us and will miss us a lot. It's not 'normal' on his part either, whatever it is.

As for how I'm treating my bf, well he's always around and I spend almost all my time with him. Yes, I am a bit worried about our relationship, while we get on brilliantly and love each other very much, I'm not sure how much passion is still there. This has been the case for a while, since long before I met this work colleague.

Anny Hall

Hi Op,

Didn't read all the posts but what you describe does not sound healthy or platonic. If I were you I would examine honestly your relationship with your boyfriend. I think if you were genuinely happy with your boyfriend you would not be having these feelings for the colleague. He is "safe" (ie married) so you know nothing can happen but I think he represents something that is missing in your own relationship.

Kimia

OP, to those of us who can look at this situation objectively, the situation is unbelievably clear. You fancy this guy, he fancies you. You are with your bf for a while but perhaps he doesn't pay as much attention to you anymore, or treat you as if you're the most interesting person in the world anymore, and you said the passion is fading too.

It's obvious that you are looking for a bit of a thrill and the attention from this 'safe because he's married' guy who's also 'safe because he's a friend and my bf knows and likes him'. In and of itself, the situation isn't terrible. It's completely normal to get crushes on other people while you're involved with someone else. What would concern me is the fact that you are so blind to this and that you are seeking this guy out, and not appearing to be trying to make efforts to improve your relationship with your bf.

Be very careful here. This is how affairs start. I know it must seem like this has never happened to anyone else because your situation is 'different' but it's not. They all start the same way. Flattery, interest, genuine friendship and desire to be in each other's company.

I'm not sure how to advise you past this. Removing yourself from the work situation by travelling would be a good idea but does that just remove yourself from the problem. I think a priority right now would be to try and talk to your boyfriend and tell him that you're worried about the staleness of your relationship right now. Even tell him that you have been noticing other men more and that you're worried that both of you seem to have drifted apart slightly.

Ultimately it's of course up to you. But hear us all when we tell you that this is how affairs start. The road ahead of you is blindingly obvious to us and we're just trying to warn you. Best of luck.

Priori

I would agree with Kimia here. While you may think that you can't imagine kissing him etc, the love and affection you feel would be sufficient, imo, to kindle something of this nature.

It's hard to tell how things are between yourself and your bf from what you've written, but he seems to have a more peripheral role in this situation than should be the case. However, I'm not going to go so far as to say you're treating him badly, as some others on this thread have done. You're trying to be honest with yourself, and that's the most important step to take before you can be fully honest with somebody else. Those who jump in and judge hastily are, in all likelihood, not capable of the kind of honestly you're striving for.

Ellsbells

worriedatwork wrote: »

work colleague told us he loves us and will miss us a lot

This is just weird. I think this guy is an attention wh~re and enjoys getting a kick from reeling people in. He is one of those guys whose ego gets a boost when a mates gf fancies him and he is playing you.

He is after getting his wife pregnant - butt out and give them a chance to be a family. Work on your own relationship and if it cant be fixed then let him go.

gonebeyondajoke

Stop seeking him out at work, try not to find yourself in a situation where you are alone with him and remember you are with your bf for a reason how would you feel if it was the other way around?

If you drop all contact with this guy it will look suspicious, maybe take a break away with your bf and it might put another spark between the 2 of you

LegacyUser

Hmm, it could be an ego boost but he also seems to genuinely like us...we went to his wife's birthday, got invited to a housewarming that was otherwise family and close friends, met his parents etc. We were the first people he told at work that his wife was expecting and he showed us the scan pictures and everything.

I'm not sure he has any idea of how obsessed I am. My boyfriend has no idea either. He thinks we're all friends and everything is great. I'm just so sad that I managed to get into this situation. It really did start with just liking the guy and wanting to chat to him a bit more and it suddenly turned into creating opportunities to be around him, going into work earlier than I would have, staying later, staying in on my lunch break. We moved into a new building, which meant that he'd no longer be working directly with me and I thought this would help, that because he wasn't really around, I'd forget him but I miss him now and find opportunities to go and talk to him. It's worse than ever.

The scariest thing is how long this has gone on for. I started to feel like this around last November, so that's ten months. TEN MONTHS. That's terrifying.

Catari Jaguar

Maybe the more you aren't around him, the "high" you get off being around him will start to fade and then you won't need it at all. Like someone coming off any addiction. The more you have of something you're addicted to, the more you need. In time, your body and, eventually, mind will get over him. You need will power though.

Gooner111

worriedatwork wrote: »

Hmm, it could be an ego boost but he also seems to genuinely like us...we went to his wife's birthday, got invited to a housewarming that was otherwise family and close friends, met his parents etc. We were the first people he told at work that his wife was expecting and he showed us the scan pictures and everything.

I'm not sure he has any idea of how obsessed I am. My boyfriend has no idea either. He thinks we're all friends and everything is great. I'm just so sad that I managed to get into this situation. It really did start with just liking the guy and wanting to chat to him a bit more and it suddenly turned into creating opportunities to be around him, going into work earlier than I would have, staying later, staying in on my lunch break. We moved into a new building, which meant that he'd no longer be working directly with me and I thought this would help, that because he wasn't really around, I'd forget him but I miss him now and find opportunities to go and talk to him. It's worse than ever.

The scariest thing is how long this has gone on for. I started to feel like this around last November, so that's ten months. TEN MONTHS. That's terrifying.

Staying away isn't really an option given you are all close.... you could tell your bf that you've gotten to emotionally attached to the friend and its not healthy so you need to end that friendship with the friend and wife - if bf wants to your relationship to work he would agree (if it doesn't end the relationship). Another option is to break up with bf, tell your friend your feelings and see how he responds (highly don't recommend this!). Or you could break up with bf, change jobs and end the friendship (bit drastic). I don't see any of those as realistic options!!

One thing that stands out for me is your lack of effort in trying to change. You seek the friend out. You could try and minimise your exposure to him but you don't appear to want to.

When in work just do your regular hours and stop seeking him out or chatting to him as much. You don't have to be obvious about it but if you make no effort on cutting back your feelings for him will probably grow stronger.

I also don't think your being fair to your bf. While being obsessed with the friend I highly doubt that your giving 100% to your relationship. If he had feelings for another woman would you be happy / want him to stay with you?

The only things I can suggest are to cut back on contact with the friend, do more stuff with just you and the boyfriend, join some clubs, get some hobbies etc. Things that will use up your time and could let you make a few female friends in the process. But you'll need to put in the effort to change.