Remembering the good times

R019912

Hi, I posted a thread up on here a while back (under a different username) about not knowing how to get over a break up from a long term relationship. I have been doing well, I thought I was anyway, but for the last week it's all got really bad again. It started when I looked at an old picture of us at our happiest, and I cried my eyes out. It felt horrible. Then I stumbled upon some old naughty pics she sent me, and I started craving her company again. I don't wanna sound sleazy but I miss sex with her really badly, she was a very good looking girl and these thoughts keep coming into my head that I won't get a girl as good looking as her again. The craving of her company just won't go away, how do I get it to stop? I know people might say meet another girl, but I wish it was that easy. Everytime I've been to a nightclub since the break up I just haven't felt the desire to trying it on with other girls. I don't know how to get her from my mind completely and it's driving me nuts.

_dublinlad_

It would really help if you got rid of everything that reminds you of her. Im pretty much in the same boat as you, I couldnt bring myself to delete photos and thro out gifts she bought me so what I did was get everything that could possibly remind me of her and but it in a box and put it in the attic. Then you wont be getting those triggers from time to time that will get you back. Other then that there is no other advice that will make you feel better unfortunately, just keep active, keep improving yourself, take it one day at a time and time will heal you. Good luck op.

P. Breathnach

Get rid of the pictures. If the relationship is over, it is unfair to her to keep them: they were given to you in a different context. And they are not making you happy.

Is becoming your girlfriend a beauty competition?

Piliger

R019912 - I realise my comments may not help you but here goes from someone who is 50+.

Part of growing up is learning to let go of what happened yesterday, last week, last year. In our lives we experience such a roller coaster of stuff. Good, bad and indifferent. The good stuff often passes in such an ephemeral way, the bad stuff often lingers too long,. But they all pass into our past and we HAVE to let them go. What matters is what is happening now today, and tomorrow.
Letting go is not about ending our emotions, our feelings. We will always have those feelings - don't expect them to disappear or be frustrated by them.
It's about learning what to do with them. Looking back and feeling good memories about something that ended badly is not a bad thing per se. It can be good to recall good times. But what is critically important to put them in context. It was then. This is now. Life moves on. You move on.

Best of luck.

R019912

Piliger wrote: »

R019912 - I realise my comments may not help you but here goes from someone who is 50+.

Part of growing up is learning to let go of what happened yesterday, last week, last year. In our lives we experience such a roller coaster of stuff. Good, bad and indifferent. The good stuff often passes in such an ephemeral way, the bad stuff often lingers too long,. But they all pass into our past and we HAVE to let them go. What matters is what is happening now today, and tomorrow.
Letting go is not about ending our emotions, our feelings. We will always have those feelings - don't expect them to disappear or be frustrated by them.
It's about learning what to do with them. Looking back and feeling good memories about something that ended badly is not a bad thing per se. It can be good to recall good times. But what is critically important to put them in context. It was then. This is now. Life moves on. You move on.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. I've tried keep as busy as possible since the break up and haven't spent any weekends moping around the house doing nothing, but I still end up coming back to that craving of her company. I might forget it for a few hours but it always comes back and I wish it would just stop. And those stupid thoughts also come into my head sometimes where I think of how many other people she has probably been with since the break up, I know it's a stupid thing to think of but I find it really hard to stop.

Piliger

R019912 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. I've tried keep as busy as possible since the break up and haven't spent any weekends moping around the house doing nothing, but I still end up coming back to that craving of her company. I might forget it for a few hours but it always comes back and I wish it would just stop. And those stupid thoughts also come into my head sometimes where I think of how many other people she has probably been with since the break up, I know it's a stupid thing to think of but I find it really hard to stop.

Stop trying so hard to stop. No one can just stop, like that. You are doing the right thing by being busy and mixing with people. The feelings will get easier and less common as time passes, if you don't stress about them. If you keep stressing about them, then that feeds into the emotions and will make it worse.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

This is just the element of time I'm afraid - getting over someone has its ups and downs - you might think you're over it after weeks and months of being grand and then it will hit you again - but eventually it will become less and less and fade away. It usually takes at least a year for long term relationships from what I have seen with friends and experienced myself.

I know exactly what you mean about thinking you might not find someone as good looking - I thought the exact same after I broke up with my ex -he was no male underwear model but I was extremely attracted to him physically, I honestly thought I would never find someone I was attracted to as him - but after about 6 months (yes, that long!) things started to turn around and I started to notice other guys.

I was the same as you going out weekend after weekend having zero interest in any guy in the room, then one weekend I started to gradually spot someone i would fancy - it's like my eyes were opened again and it was great. It was a big deal to me after so long of not finding anyone at all attractive but him!

I think it's just falling out of love to be honest...You will have the same too in time. I recently met him on a night out - he hadn't changed physically but obviously my thinking had - I thought god I am not attracted to him at all! It just took time to take him down from that pedastal. And that's what it was - a pedastal - one thing I've noticed is there are plenty of great, hot guys out there, plenty! I was just blind to it for a bit while grieving the relationship.

Same goes for you with women - can't promise 100 % you will meet someone you are more attracted to and more in love with again but if you think about it, the odds are on your side what with the population of the planet! Alot of getting over this - and anything - is keeping perspective. Maybe you need to go away for a holiday to see what a big world this is? And how many women are out there!

All you can do is wait this one out it won't be long until you're back to your old confident self and attracted to other women. One tip would be if you are feeling overwhelmed by an emotion - let yourself dwell on it for a period of time, say 10-30 minutes, maybe write it down if you want, then go and do something to distract yourself, anything, exercise, tv, whatever, and if you start to think about it again say to yourself no I have already thought about that today, you can actually discipline your brain like that, believe it or not.

Best of luck.

R019912

user_1234 wrote: »

This is just the element of time I'm afraid - getting over someone has its ups and downs - you might think you're over it after weeks and months of being grand and then it will hit you again - but eventually it will become less and less and fade away. It usually takes at least a year for long term relationships from what I have seen with friends and experienced myself.

I know exactly what you mean about thinking you might not find someone as good looking - I thought the exact same after I broke up with my ex -he was no male underwear model but I was extremely attracted to him physically, I honestly thought I would never find someone I was attracted to as him - but after about 6 months (yes, that long!) things started to turn around and I started to notice other guys.

I was the same as you going out weekend after weekend having zero interest in any guy in the room, then one weekend I started to gradually spot someone i would fancy - it's like my eyes were opened again and it was great. It was a big deal to me after so long of not finding anyone at all attractive but him!

I think it's just falling out of love to be honest...You will have the same too in time. I recently met him on a night out - he hadn't changed physically but obviously my thinking had - I thought god I am not attracted to him at all! It just took time to take him down from that pedastal. And that's what it was - a pedastal - one thing I've noticed is there are plenty of great, hot guys out there, plenty! I was just blind to it for a bit while grieving the relationship.

Same goes for you with women - can't promise 100 % you will meet someone you are more attracted to and more in love with again but if you think about it, the odds are on your side what with the population of the planet! Alot of getting over this - and anything - is keeping perspective. Maybe you need to go away for a holiday to see what a big world this is? And how many women are out there!

All you can do is wait this one out it won't be long until you're back to your old confident self and attracted to other women. One tip would be if you are feeling overwhelmed by an emotion - let yourself dwell on it for a period of time, say 10-30 minutes, maybe write it down if you want, then go and do something to distract yourself, anything, exercise, tv, whatever, and if you start to think about it again say to yourself no I have already thought about that today, you can actually discipline your brain like that, believe it or not.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the reply, it has been helpful. But you say it generally takes a year, why should it take that long? Why do i have to waste a year of my life wrecking my brain thinkin of some girl who couldn't give a flying fu*k? Rest assured she won't be having days like me where i can't stop thinkin of her. Its been a few months now and i already feel like its wasted time, but then again i should probably just stop thinking about time wasted maybe its just part of a natural process of feeling terrible for a while after heartbreak. I've tried to do all the things that people suggested and i guess its just a kick in the balls when you think you're doing so well and you sit down and remember how happy you once were with someone and how sad it is that it'll never be that way again. I know break ups aren't meant to be easy, i just wish the constant longing for their company would disperse quicker.

LegacyUser

I know exactly what you mean - I wanted to be over it in a couple of months at least but i just wasn't and everyone told me that I couldnt rush it but I thought I could - I am a very pro active person and I found it incredibly frustrating that there was pretty much nothing I could do to make myself feel better for a good bit. The self improvement things helped but there is only so much they can do!

And the way things ended - it was clear that my ex was wasting no time in moving on and did not and perhaps had not ever cared about me so believe me I wanted to get over it and move on asap. But you can't rush it and now that I am reflecting on it I can see the positives of being sad and consumed by it for so long - like I do not take anything for granted anymore in that I am so grateful just to be happy and not hung up on a break up and even just to fancy people etc.

I say a year because I really think that's how long it takes to make new plans with your life and fall out of love. Obviously i have no real factual basis for that but I do believe it takes in and around that amount of time maybe a little bit less. This is not time wasted although it may feel crap and you want to be back to your happy old self, it is a period of reflection and you are really getting to know yourself in this time. While i was sad and hung up on my ex I actually managed to do loads of stuff i never had the time for when I was in a relationship - try your best to focus on this and the rest will fall into place. Just remember it will never be as bad as this again. Every couple of weeks it will get a bit easier.

Also remember YOU are the normal one for feeling like this....it is normal to be in love and be heartbroken when it's ended...it is not normal to be in love, lose someone and get over it straight away...you might feel like that's how you want to be but it's not. People do that for one of two reasons:
1) They were never properly in love in the first place - some people are damaged and they can't love. They see their other halves as objects and they might lust after them but when that fades they will move onto the next.
2) They are not dealing with it properly and it will hit them down the line.

Your situation is preferable to either of these scenarios. Be glad you are human and feeling enough to be able to love someone like this - it means your feelings were real. They were just misplaced on this girl and you are taking time to get over it and not just shouting 'next'. This is a good thing. Some people will never feel this strongly about anyone else in this life time. You have it in you to feel this way and you will again....Just not straight away.

Piliger

R019912 wrote: »

Thanks for the reply, it has been helpful. But you say it generally takes a year, why should it take that long? Why do i have to waste a year of my life wrecking my brain thinkin of some girl who couldn't give a flying fu*k?

Why ? Because your human, like the rest of us and this was a bloody painful experience. This is how it is. You don't hear a lot about it with other people because they don't talk about it. People you know and socialise with have more than likely suffered this. But they haven't told you.

Not all breakups are this painful. Some are a lot easier. It depends on how it happens and a number of factors. But it will fade and it's more than likely you will make major progress in the next few months.

Being angry with her won't help by the way. You don't know what she is going through inside or what she went through before you broke up.

R019912

user_1234 wrote: »

I know exactly what you mean - I wanted to be over it in a couple of months at least but i just wasn't and everyone told me that I couldnt rush it but I thought I could - I am a very pro active person and I found it incredibly frustrating that there was pretty much nothing I could do to make myself feel better for a good bit. The self improvement things helped but there is only so much they can do!

And the way things ended - it was clear that my ex was wasting no time in moving on and did not and perhaps had not ever cared about me so believe me I wanted to get over it and move on asap. But you can't rush it and now that I am reflecting on it I can see the positives of being sad and consumed by it for so long - like I do not take anything for granted anymore in that I am so grateful just to be happy and not hung up on a break up and even just to fancy people etc.

I say a year because I really think that's how long it takes to make new plans with your life and fall out of love. Obviously i have no real factual basis for that but I do believe it takes in and around that amount of time maybe a little bit less. This is not time wasted although it may feel crap and you want to be back to your happy old self, it is a period of reflection and you are really getting to know yourself in this time. While i was sad and hung up on my ex I actually managed to do loads of stuff i never had the time for when I was in a relationship - try your best to focus on this and the rest will fall into place. Just remember it will never be as bad as this again. Every couple of weeks it will get a bit easier.

Also remember YOU are the normal one for feeling like this....it is normal to be in love and be heartbroken when it's ended...it is not normal to be in love, lose someone and get over it straight away...you might feel like that's how you want to be but it's not. People do that for one of two reasons:
1) They were never properly in love in the first place - some people are damaged and they can't love. They see their other halves as objects and they might lust after them but when that fades they will move onto the next.
2) They are not dealing with it properly and it will hit them down the line.

Your situation is preferable to either of these scenarios. Be glad you are human and feeling enough to be able to love someone like this - it means your feelings were real. They were just misplaced on this girl and you are taking time to get over it and not just shouting 'next'. This is a good thing. Some people will never feel this strongly about anyone else in this life time. You have it in you to feel this way and you will again....Just not straight away.

Thank you, this post has been really helpful. What I'd love to know is how do I stop focusing my thoughts onto stupid things like imagining how easy it's been for her to move on, imagining how as I sit in on a Saturday night drinking with the lads that she's out in town partying and getting men. Imagining how long it's gonna take for me to find someone else like her, while she probably find someone for her super quick.. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm an extremely popular person with loads of friends, I tend to hang out with the same group of around 8-10 people, most of whom are in relationships or aren't big into going out to town. Like I could have a good night just drinking with them and having a laugh in a house, but I almost always put a negative spin on it by thinking of how she was most likely in town that same night dancing with other guys and stuff. its pathetic I know, but sometimes these thoughts overwhelm me. I wish there could be a delete button to get her from my mind

LegacyUser

R019912 wrote: »

Thank you, this post has been really helpful. What I'd love to know is how do I stop focusing my thoughts onto stupid things like imagining how easy it's been for her to move on, imagining how as I sit in on a Saturday night drinking with the lads that she's out in town partying and getting men. Imagining how long it's gonna take for me to find someone else like her, while she probably find someone for her super quick.. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm an extremely popular person with loads of friends, I tend to hang out with the same group of around 8-10 people, most of whom are in relationships or aren't big into going out to town. Like I could have a good night just drinking with them and having a laugh in a house, but I almost always put a negative spin on it by thinking of how she was most likely in town that same night dancing with other guys and stuff. its pathetic I know, but sometimes these thoughts overwhelm me. I wish there could be a delete button to get her from my mind

I'm gonna go ahead and make an assumption that you were the "dumpee" in this instance. I can't quite tell from the thread...

I've recently rationalised a very strong and surprising reaction on my part to being dumped, and realised why. If you had asked me a week before the breakup how I predicted it would affect me, I would've probably met you with a resounding "meh". It took me about 2 months though to realise why everything came crashing down when my ex left me.

When I was dumped, the control of my life was taken away from me. I think I had such a strong reaction because I wasn't in control of this girl's choice/emotions, and all I had left was sadness and memories. I actually wasn't happy in the realtionship for quite a while, but my brain by default went to the memories once we broke up and my world seemed to be coming down around me.

You sound a little insecure. It's all a cliche yes, but it gets easier, it's a cliche for a reason...You'll find someone new just fine, and they'll be better, because although you have so many "good times", something obviously wasn't right for you to find yourself here today. That "Im never gonna get anyone like her", or "I've missed my chance to find someone now" rationale is super flawed, and it's damaging to yourself. Knock it on the head, now. She's suffered too, I can guarantee it. There also existed for me the "how can she just turn her back on everything we had" thing: Girl's are emotionally smart; she knows not to think about it in terms like that, or else she would be crying down the phone to you wanting to meet up.

It's AWFUL. Right now it is anyway. I know the stomach churning desperation of it all, walking around like a zombie, jeopardising jobs, friendships (people sick of hearing about it all the time). Busy busy busy!! Sports, Gym, litres of coffee with people you havent seen in a while, facebook chat said people.

By the by; You won't meet missus right "in da club" out in town, that's a myth, and you know it's not true. Socially speaking; maybe house parties etc? It doesn't sound like you're ready for anything committed in any case, but try enjoy yourself. It's over, it was great, but you're both different people now, so try take the memories and build for the next one.

holyhead

Forget about trying to find someone like her. To do so is to be unfair on the new girl you let into your life. Each girl is individual and unique. Take each girl on her merits and value strengths and be aware of her weaknesses.
Keep active. Idle mind thinks many thoughts!

indough

well maybe you need to think of those things. eventually they will toughen you up and you either wont care any more or youll care about someone else instead. its a crap deal but theres nothing you can do about it except go out and live your life without her

Stavro Mueller

Don't go looking for another girlfriend in the short term either. You've not come to terms with your break-up yet and no girl you see out is going to measure up to your ex for now. Busy yourself with other things so that you don't have time to be thinking about her. As well as missing her as a person, you're missing her as a habit in your own life. So much of your day to day life would've revolved around her so that's going to leave a void as well.

Pa Dee

R019912 wrote: »

Hi, I posted a thread up on here a while back (under a different username) about not knowing how to get over a break up from a long term relationship. I have been doing well, I thought I was anyway, but for the last week it's all got really bad again. It started when I looked at an old picture of us at our happiest, and I cried my eyes out. It felt horrible. Then I stumbled upon some old naughty pics she sent me, and I started craving her company again. I don't wanna sound sleazy but I miss sex with her really badly, she was a very good looking girl and these thoughts keep coming into my head that I won't get a girl as good looking as her again. The craving of her company just won't go away, how do I get it to stop? I know people might say meet another girl, but I wish it was that easy. Everytime I've been to a nightclub since the break up I just haven't felt the desire to trying it on with other girls. I don't know how to get her from my mind completely and it's driving me nuts.

You really need to get rid of these photos. A friend of mind actually had a cerimonial burning of his with his ex. He actually pissed all over the embers as well which he claimed helped no end

branbee

OP i don't have any real advice to give you, just wanted to let you know Im going through the exact same thing atm and it sucks! Hope you're feeling a bit better now. Don't feel disheartened by the odd setback, you're gonna have days where you're fine and suddenly it will hit you- just go through it, don't worry about it meaning you're not getting better- its all part of the process.
As for thinking about her moving on and having a better time, i know how horrible that feels. I need some help with that one myself! But try not to dwell on it, i know, easier said than done.
Best of luck, take care of yourself.

R019912

branbee wrote: »

OP i don't have any real advice to give you, just wanted to let you know Im going through the exact same thing atm and it sucks! Hope you're feeling a bit better now. Don't feel disheartened by the odd setback, you're gonna have days where you're fine and suddenly it will hit you- just go through it, don't worry about it meaning you're not getting better- its all part of the process.
As for thinking about her moving on and having a better time, i know how horrible that feels. I need some help with that one myself! But try not to dwell on it, i know, easier said than done.
Best of luck, take care of yourself.

The annoying thing is you've all been giving such brilliant advice and yet i still feel ****. Done drugs on Friday night which is completely out of character for me and while i thought it was a good idea at the time, im realising over the last couple of days i was a gob****e. Felt depressed for the whole weekend after it and haven't stopped thinking about her since. Another thing that isn't helping is that all my close friends are in relationships, so im even less likely to keep busy/meet other people. My head is just all over the place, and i feel pretty much as bad as i did in the first two weeks after the break up. Thought i was stronger than this.

branbee

R019912 wrote: »

branbee wrote: »

OP i don't have any real advice to give you, just wanted to let you know Im going through the exact same thing atm and it sucks! Hope you're feeling a bit better now. Don't feel disheartened by the odd setback, you're gonna have days where you're fine and suddenly it will hit you- just go through it, don't worry about it meaning you're not getting better- its all part of the process.
As for thinking about her moving on and having a better time, i know how horrible that feels. I need some help with that one myself! But try not to dwell on it, i know, easier said than done.
Best of luck, take care of yourself.

The annoying thing is you've all been giving such brilliant advice and yet i still feel ****. Done drugs on Friday night which is completely out of character for me and while i thought it was a good idea at the time, im realising over the last couple of days i was a gob****e. Felt depressed for the whole weekend after it and haven't stopped thinking about her since. Another thing that isn't helping is that all my close friends are in relationships, so im even less likely to keep busy/meet other people. My head is just all over the place, and i feel pretty much as bad as i did in the first two weeks after the break up. Thought i was stronger than this.

Its nothing to do with strength, you loved her it hurts, you're trying to deal with it the best way you can. Drugs really aren't gonna help but you know that so Im not going to lecture you about that. Just know it will pass. It is really **** right now but it will pass so as much as you feel horrible now just keep that in mind.

People can give you the best most logical advice but its not going to make you love her less or suddenly make the pain go away so don't worry about it not helping you. It will just take time.

R019912

tryin2help wrote: »

I'm gonna go ahead and make an assumption that you were the "dumpee" in this instance. I can't quite tell from the thread...

I've recently rationalised a very strong and surprising reaction on my part to being dumped, and realised why. If you had asked me a week before the breakup how I predicted it would affect me, I would've probably met you with a resounding "meh". It took me about 2 months though to realise why everything came crashing down when my ex left me.

When I was dumped, the control of my life was taken away from me. I think I had such a strong reaction because I wasn't in control of this girl's choice/emotions, and all I had left was sadness and memories. I actually wasn't happy in the realtionship for quite a while, but my brain by default went to the memories once we broke up and my world seemed to be coming down around me.

You sound a little insecure. It's all a cliche yes, but it gets easier, it's a cliche for a reason...You'll find someone new just fine, and they'll be better, because although you have so many "good times", something obviously wasn't right for you to find yourself here today. That "Im never gonna get anyone like her", or "I've missed my chance to find someone now" rationale is super flawed, and it's damaging to yourself. Knock it on the head, now. She's suffered too, I can guarantee it. There also existed for me the "how can she just turn her back on everything we had" thing: Girl's are emotionally smart; she knows not to think about it in terms like that, or else she would be crying down the phone to you wanting to meet up.

It's AWFUL. Right now it is anyway. I know the stomach churning desperation of it all, walking around like a zombie, jeopardising jobs, friendships (people sick of hearing about it all the time). Busy busy busy!! Sports, Gym, litres of coffee with people you havent seen in a while, facebook chat said people.

By the by; You won't meet missus right "in da club" out in town, that's a myth, and you know it's not true. Socially speaking; maybe house parties etc? It doesn't sound like you're ready for anything committed in any case, but try enjoy yourself. It's over, it was great, but you're both different people now, so try take the memories and build for the next one.

Yeah i am indeed the dumpee in this case. I've only noticed this post from you now, it's remarkably similar to my case.

Around a month before my ex finished with me I remember saying this exact thing "If we broke up tomorrow I honestly couldn't care"

How wrong was I! It ripped me apart, it was weird because it was a surprise yet I should've seen it coming. And you say girls are "emotionally smart and know not to think about it like that", then what way do I think if I wanna be the same as her and get over it?

I've pinpointed my reaction down to two things:

-I genuinely loved her, spent 3 years of my life with her, she was my first love, she came to my debs etc etc all these other experiences were and I'm finding it really hard that it'll never be the same again
-Irrational thoughts; who she's with, will I ever find someone like her, etc. These thoughts can get at me for ages yet I'm not sure how to deal with them

A lot of the main group of people I hang out with (which ain't exactly huge) are getting into relationships, or already in them so that kinda makes it tougher aswell. It means more weekends sitting in doing sweet fu*k all. The whole thing is just overbearing at the minute