He doesn't trust me

LegacyUser

Me and my boyfriend have been going out almost a year now. For the first few months everything was perfect. We had no arguments or anything. Then about 2 months ago he got very drunk and accused me of cheating on him - which I never had, and never would. I asked him why and he said he got this "general feeling" sometimes. Whatever that means. He was pretty horrible to me that night, but in the morning when he realised what he had done he was extremely embarrassed and ashamed of what he had said to me and apologised.

A few weeks later I brought it up and asked him does he trust me - he said he knows I would never cheat on him, but sometimes he gets worried - he said that's more his problem and he can't help it, that he just makes up situations in his head and it's just paranoia. I mean, I also get this, but he seems to really let it eat him up, and at the end of the day I just feel that he doesn't trust me.

Along with this, say, if I am tired or just in a quiet mood, he starts to get really weird about it - he keeps asking am I okay, no matter how many times I say I am and that I'm just tired or in a quiet or mellow mood. But no matter how much I try reassure him, he just lets it get to him, and acts strange with me and gets pretty quiet, giving one word answers and stuff. I try to force myself to be in a better mood and cheer him up, but it usually doesn't seem to work. I have talked to him a number of times about this, asking him not to over-think when I'm quiet, that I would tell him if there was something wrong. But it just doesn't seem to work, no matter how many times I have brought it up.

He has said he is worried of our relationship because of the arguments we've had - even though we've had very few, and it's normal to have some arguments. He said he would never break up with me, but sometimes I get worried that he would give up really easily on it - he said that our relationship isn't as amazing as it was when we first got together, but that he realises this is normal, seen as we're not in the honeymoon period anymore. It just seems that he's very down about it not being absolutely perfect and so exciting. I don't know what the longest relationship he has been in, or how many girlfriends he's had in the past. I do get the feeling from something he said that he was cheated on in the past, but I really don't want to carry the burden from that past experience of his and I want him to trust me.

Other than all this, I feel our relationship is very good - we both like a lot of the same things, we make each other laugh, we find each other attractive. I really think we are perfect for each other, so long as we can just get over all this small silly stuff. I get that we are both shy, quiet people, who aren't good at expressing feelings, but i really am trying here. He is 26, and I am 21, by the way.

Ickle Magoo

I think you need to sit him down and point out this is his issue - his lack of self-esteem and that is driving his lack of trust...and if there is anything less attractive than someone who cheats, it's someone who has such enormous trust issues, they falsely accuse their partners of cheating/punish their partner for whatever erroneous behaviour paranoia has created in their imagination.

He has to know that he's in danger of destroying your relationship & completely turning you off him - and he needs to address and/or get help with his issues, rather than projecting them onto you. If he can't or won't then, ime, it's only going to get worse for you.

All the best, OP. :cool:

P. Breathnach

It looks to me as if he has a real problem and yours is, in a sense, a secondary problem: your problem is that he has a problem.

I suspect that you can not, without outside help, fix his problem, and I think that any advice you get here will not be sufficient to fix things.

Take stock. If his insecurity were not an issue, might this be potentially the most important relationship of your life? If it is, then it might be worth getting a counsellor involved.

Piliger

Letirimgrrrl - dating is about being happy and fun with someone. Someone who makes your life better and more enjoyable.

If it's not doing all of these things then it has failed miserably. With this guy I feel the issue is control, and not trust. Trust problems arise from some incident that triggers it. Control comes from inside.

Love is not enough. Common interests are not enough. Remember that if you stay together you will probably drift into marriage and whatever problems there are now will be magnified, because that is what marriage does. It doesn't dissolve problems, it makes any problems bigger because both parties are trapped.

Is this the way you want your life to go ? that is what you need ot ask yourself.

Best of luck

I am a friend

Op his behaviour is not a reflection on you but if you stay with him long term you might start to believe it is... I am sure he was like this with his ex's too...

You are doing nothing wrong and I think you need to take a long hard look at the relationship and the effect it may have on you if you stay in it...