Adult Children of Separated Parents

Green Gelato

First time starting a thread!

So I'm just wondering whether there's many people out there in the same position as me. My parents separated around fifteen years ago, when I was in my late teens. It ended up being a pretty messy separation in the end, though at first it wasn't planned that way. Basically, as time went on, more and more details started coming out that just made the whole situation more complicated.

Their mistake was that in their utter selfishness, their kids ended up having to carry the burden of their mistakes. Both of my parents are now re-married. I thought at one point that it was just a matter of time before things started to get easier and we could have something resembling a civil, normal family again (even just for special occasions like weddings, graduations etc), but it has not worked out that way.

I compare it to a bereavement process where there is (a) practically no recognition for the pain endured by the children and (b) the corpse keeps sitting up and throwing more dirt in your face for you to deal with, when you least expect it!!

After years and years I finally realise that all this suffering and dancing around trying to please everyone else, while supressing my own feelings has really taken its tole on me and whenever I get a bit down (for whatever reason), all the family stuff that's gone on starts eating away at me again. I've gone to therapy recently and it, and it has helped and I'm feeling ok about it at the moment, though it's always lingering in the background.

I know now everyone has a bad experience of their parents' separation and if dealt with properly it may be the best option in some situation. What I find incredible is that while it is a recognised fact that young children who are still at home can suffer in such situations, but there is so little recognition for the ongoing suffering of adult children of separated/divorced parents. It seems like you're expected to just 'understand it better' when you're an adult or something, but no-one seems to realise what a burden it can be. It just tends to make many things that should be easy just that little bit harder, and this wears you down over time.


It doesn't help that there is still a stigma around divorce/separation in Ireland (IMO) and people just don't know how to deal with it really. For example, people assume if they see you with one parent, that automatically gives them the right to b1tch about the other parent, whom they assume you musn't get on with.

For years I tried to 'get over it'. Now I'm starting to think maybe that's an unrealistic expectation. I mean, would you be expected to just get over a death? You go through the same grief process mourning the death of a marriage - the difference is the situation is constantly changing so you constantly have to readjust.

Anyway I'd be interested to hear if others feel the same. Personally I think some kind of support group for the adult children of separated parents would be benificial, because it's not just something you can discuss with any old randomer, given the sensitive stories involved.

Taltos

Hi Green - we feel your post may be more appropriate here in Personal Issues.
The forum you posted in is targetted to those either currently going through separation and divorce or those considering it.

All the best
Taltos

edellc

My parents separated when I was 24 years old and had moved out of home, at first it was a shock but this was actually down to the circumstances which they separated.

Its weird as it was like a grieving process to me as due to my fathers behaviour I now have no relationship with him at all and have not done so since 3mths after mam and him split up which is going on 11years. Most of my friends have separated parents but are in a different situation to me, they still speak to both parents and most have said to me that it is like a grieving process however having lost my mam last year and the fact that I have 100% no contact with my father I know that when you grieve for the death of someone you know you will never ever speak or see that person again whereas all my friends still have contact with both parents and none have actually had to go through the process of loosing one parent. So whereas I respect that fact that they are upset by their parents separation I know it is not like grieving.

I think it may be harder for adult children to accept the separation of their parents, this I think is down to both parents being there though out their whole lives, through school, teenage years, college and on to working life or even when they have moved out, and as an adult you feel that your parents are going to grow old together, and lets face it by the time we are adults most of our parents are not spring chickens anymore so I think you worry more about them being on their own. I know that neither of my parents met anyone else, and I think in a way that may be worse than if they met someone, maybe I'm wrong.

I think my situation is a bit different as my mam had a terminal illness when my father left and he left due to sexually assaulting my sister, so I was glad he left, but worried about mam as he stopped financially supporting her and she was unable to work due to her illness, plus the social welfare wouldnt help as they never legally seperated. But maybe if mam had of been fit and healthy and active in the world then maybe she would have met someone and I honestly dont know how I would have felt about that, its one think to speculate but the reality can be greatly different.

I feel that all you can ask for in life is to be happy and if your parents are not happy together and are better apart then so be it and if they are lucky enough to find love again and get another chance at being happy then who are we the children to judge or feel put out by this. Our parents have given everything to us through rearing us and once we are adults it is now their time and they deserve some happiness.

I do believe that yes we should just get over it as if we really love our parents then we want them to be happy, and when we have found partners have our parents judged or are they happy that we are happy, I know which one my mam was

Life is short and you have to find a smile where you can, so OP be happy your parents found love again and yes you do need to let go, nobody died, you still have them both, and hopefully you have or will find your someone special so you can stop obsessing about your parents divorce 15years ago.

Peace and love OP x

savvyav

Hey OP,

My parents separated when I was 20 (so 5 years ago) and it is hard being that age and seeing your family life fall apart. My parents are getting divorced at the moment and it is tough, it brings everything else back. My mother is still single and I suppose my sister and I feel extra responsibility towards her (even though she'd have a good enough social life herself), which I don't think is something that young children with separated parents ever think about. I also think when you're older you tend to get the full gory details shared with you and its not always stuff you want to hear, which isn't fair at all.

Neither of my parents have a good word to say about the other and will take every chance to bitch about the other one, which wrecks my head so I tune out when they start (asking them not to bitch just resulted in a massive argument). They won't even be in the same room for special occasions- last time was for my graduation in 2008 and I nearly threw up with nerves from it. It still makes me a bit sad now but I have accepted that this is just it.

I had made my peace with everything but the divorce has stirred everything back up- I'm hoping it'll settle down when its all over. It is a hard thing to deal with at any stage in life and I would never judge anyone for being upset over it but I would urge people in the same situation to find a way to cope with parental bitching as that is what wrecked my head the most.

Green Gelato

Thanks to the posters who responded.

To be honest, I wasn't really looking for advice as such (the OP was moved to the Personal Issues section, which made it look like I was!). I wasn't posting about a 'problem' as such, merely making an observation. Happily, I am in a good place at the moment.

I just wanted to start a discussion/support forum for people out there who might be looking for support on this issue, as I know it's not talked about much. I know during periods when I was really upset by what was going on, it would have helped me to know there were people experiencing similar issues out there.

I just wanted to create an internet record for people to refer to, as I found very little on the net regarding this topic when I was looking a few years ago.

Thanks again to the posters above for sharing their stories