sending parcel for kid's bday, no answer

My fella has a daughter with his psycho ex, who has decided to halt all communication between him and the kid, but still writes me annoyed message on Facebook if he doesn't send anything... so her birthday was the other day... he sent a registered package to her, but it's been three days in a row attempted delivery. We can have it returned to us, it's possible the feral cave dwelling neanderthal has taken the family (5 kids, two disabled, one a baby!) and run into the woods to do hippy stuff again.

However, I managed to find her mobile phone number.... God bless the internet and the trail you leave behind.... but she has made it clear that my fella is to send gifts every Christmas and birthday but is allowed no contact whatsoever with kid. I managed to find pictures of her only cause the bint isn't good with hiding her trail on the net.

Anyway, this cow has made it clear in many abusive messages to me that she does not want him to be any part of their daughter's life, but he must send gifts. We sent gifts, now they aren't able to deliver them. Would you use the phone number that I doubt she knows we have? I can't send her messages as she disabled that option on FB. Just stuck for a solution here. OH sent her a lot of cash so there is a value to this package, we can't allow it to just get lost.

Please advise! Personally I would attempt to get the package returned to us, but then his kid misses out on some great birthday gifts.

LegacyUser

you have used the words psycho, cave dwelling neanderthal, hippy, bint and cow to describe this woman on an internet forum. do you honestly think you would be able for the composure required to have a civil phone conversation with her about the delivery of the package? really?

scratch that. it's not your business to anyway, it's between your partner and this woman and the child, if he's that worried about his daughter getting her gifts why isn't he dealing with it?

Get it returned, then drive out there and drop it in yourself.

And I know it's a bit off-topic, but you should really address your aggression towards this woman. It sounds pretty unhealthy.

The Big Red Button

Why not just block her on Facebook, then she can't send you abusive messages, and she'll have to approach the child's father directly (the way it should be done!)

Honestly I'd back out if I were you, and leave it entirely between the two of them. It would be different if you had some sort of a relationship with the child in question - but you don't. The situation sounds messy enough without involving another third party.

The Big Red Button

Oh and also.

Stalking the internet for photos and contact details of your boyfriends ex is just WRONG, it's proper stalker behaviour, no matter what your reasons behind it were.

And, for future reference, sending cash by post is NEVER a good idea, even if it's registered post. There are plenty of safer alternatives.

Also, considering the situation, it would be advisable for your partner to maintain a paper trail of any money given - another reason not to give cash.

ash23

Let your partner sort it out with her. They are her parents.

Also if she is raising 5 kids alone, 2 of whom are disabled, maybe she isn't there when the post is delivered and struggles to get to the post office - especially if the parcel centre is a distance away.

Keep your nose out and let your partner decide what to do about his ex and his child.

Big Bag of Chips

Give her your partners mobile number, if she doesn't already have it and then delete her and block her on Facebook.

You're clearly not "friends", so I see no reason for you two to have any contact.

The parcel...? She's not there. Not her fault, and realistically none of your business where she goes or when with her children. The parcel will be returned to you of not collected.

I think you need to stay out of things. It's between your partner and her. If you and your partner broke up tomorrow would you still be expected to act as the go-between?

jellygems

this is none of ur business and the fact you have done nothing but degrade this woman speaks volumes about u

you werent involved in making the said child were you? no so stay out of it n perhaps on a side note seek some counseling for ur issues

Diddler1977

Deleted User wrote: »

My fella has a daughter with his psycho ex, who has decided to halt all communication between him and the kid, but still writes me annoyed message on Facebook if he doesn't send anything... so her birthday was the other day... he sent a registered package to her, but it's been three days in a row attempted delivery. We can have it returned to us, it's possible the feral cave dwelling neanderthal has taken the family (5 kids, two disabled, one a baby!) and run into the woods to do hippy stuff again.

However, I managed to find her mobile phone number.... God bless the internet and the trail you leave behind.... but she has made it clear that my fella is to send gifts every Christmas and birthday but is allowed no contact whatsoever with kid. I managed to find pictures of her only cause the bint isn't good with hiding her trail on the net.

Anyway, this cow has made it clear in many abusive messages to me that she does not want him to be any part of their daughter's life, but he must send gifts. We sent gifts, now they aren't able to deliver them. Would you use the phone number that I doubt she knows we have? I can't send her messages as she disabled that option on FB. Just stuck for a solution here. OH sent her a lot of cash so there is a value to this package, we can't allow it to just get lost.

Please advise! Personally I would attempt to get the package returned to us, but then his kid misses out on some great birthday gifts.

Hopefully you were half asleep (given that it was 3 am) when you wrote this rude abusive post.

I can't believe anyone would use the language you did to describe the mother of their partners child.

Anyway in relation to the present. This has nothing to do with you. Butt out! This is not your business.

Your partner should let the post office try deliver it again. If it can't be delivered it should be brought back to your partner. He can resend it in a week when this lady is back at home and will be able to receive it. Result: No Drama, child gets present.

I think you should also address your anger(?) issues.....

Sleepy

Hang on, why's everyone defending a woman who's happy to extort money from the father of her child but won't allow him access?

Yes, he could go to court to get visitation rights (maybe he has already) but at the end of the day, no woman has ever been prosecuted for breaking access orders in Ireland.

She's denying her child access to the child's father. Psycho, cave dwelling neanderthal, bint and cow sound like perfect descriptions for her unless there's something major been left out of the story provided.

OP: the other posters are right tbh, you can't be the one to fix this: it'll have to be your other half. What you can do, is point him towards a solicitors office if he's not already gone down the court route, advise him to maintain a record of any money passing hands and comfort him.

ElleEm

OP, I can see from your post that you are so angry and frustrated with this situation, and the woman really doesn't sound like the best mother at all.

I have had friends in similar situations, and I have seen how it can affect the non- parent in the relationship. It is tough going, especially to see your boyfriend be so hurt. But it is so important that you try to be supportive to him. This is not about you. Block this woman on Facebook, and either pass her phone number to your boyfriend, or erase it. This is his issue, and I know you are involved because he is your partner, the anger you are bringing into the situation can not be constructive or helpful to him.

I think Sleepy's advice is spot on.

Sleepy wrote: »

OP: the other posters are right tbh, you can't be the one to fix this: it'll have to be your other half. What you can do, is point him towards a solicitors office if he's not already gone down the court route, advise him to maintain a record of any money passing hands and comfort him.

He should apply for gaurdianship and visitation for the sake of his daughter. Sending gifts is doing nothing for his relationship with her. Most Citizen's Advice centres have Free Legal Aid, so pass on this info to him and encourage him to go. If you want, go for support, but use the fire in your belly to support him and get the legal side sorted.

Daisy M

Sleepy wrote: »

Hang on, why's everyone defending a woman who's happy to extort money from the father of her child but won't allow him access?

Yes, he could go to court to get visitation rights (maybe he has already) but at the end of the day, no woman has ever been prosecuted for breaking access orders in Ireland.

She's denying her child access to the child's father. Psycho, cave dwelling neanderthal, bint and cow sound like perfect descriptions for her unless there's something major been left out of the story provided.

OP: the other posters are right tbh, you can't be the one to fix this: it'll have to be your other half. What you can do, is point him towards a solicitors office if he's not already gone down the court route, advise him to maintain a record of any money passing hands and comfort him.

I think its because the op sounded mad and irrational, I would be hesitant to take the word of someone who is agitated it is a bad reflection on the op. There are ways to get a point across without repeated name calling.

Also it seems unbelievable that a parent would believe that their child could actually be living in a wood somewhere anf their biggest worry would be the delivery of a birthday present and money, surely the concern would be for the childs well been and whereabouts?

Killed By Death

OP, neither you nor any of us have any clue what went on between your fella and his ex. You only have his word for what went on, so I'd back off if I were you and let him handle it.

He said she won't allow him access, that's perfectly possible but maybe she has her reasons. Maybe he was abusive, we don't know. She could be a nasty piece who is using the children as a weapon. We don't know.

Stop engaging with her on Facebook. If your fella really is serious about access he needs to start official proceedings. That will do two things. Prove he is serious and show her he has rights (although Fathers rights in this country are currently a joke) He still needs to fight to see his children/child.

You getting involved is only making a bad situation worse. They are not your children but you may play a step Mother role in the future and losing the head and engaging in petty name calling and wars is not going to stand to you. She may be all the things you say BUT maybe she's not. Your fella would not be the first to blame everything on his ex and calling your ex a 'psycho' can tend to be a red flag in a relationship.

Get your fella to start formal proceedings (if he hasn't already) and keep all communication through a Solicitor. That way there are records of everything said. She (the ex) has to be made co-operate with allowing him visitation/access/shared custody if it is said so by a Judge. Presuming there is no reason (like abuse) then your fella has a right to see his children. The ex doesn't get to decide that.

daisybelle2008

Sleepy wrote: »

a woman who's happy to extort money from the father of her child but won't allow him access?

Psycho, cave dwelling neanderthal, bint and cow sound like perfect descriptions for her unless there's something major been left out of the story provided.

How does sending your child presents equate to trying to 'extort' money?

And you can be 100% sure everything major has been left out of the story provided

We are getting a very biased 3rd hand view from the new partner, who does not even know the woman. The name calling is absolutely unnecessary in the post and in general.
Laying out more of the relevant facts in a more objective manner would lend more sympathy to the OP.

Taltos

OP - this situation is between the child's mother and father.
Your only relationship to this is purely due to the fact you are seeing the father - so beyond being emotionally supportive for him nothing else is any of your concern despite any attempts to drag you in - and I strongly recommend you step away from engaging with her in any way, shape or form.

In fact - I would go so far as to suggest updating your FB profile so if she later chooses she will find there is no way to contact you. Also, might be an idea to change your mobile number.

Now - in terms of finding a resolution - as above - you have to step back here - be supportive of your boyfriend - emotionally only.
If - and I have to wonder here - if he wants this resolved longterm then the courts and a court order granting him visitation etc are called for. This route is his responsibility and all you should be doing besides listening to him is to strongly recommend that approach.

Look at it this way - do you really want your relationship to be fueled by the drama of his ex and her demands? Seriously - maybe you are too close to this but take a few steps back and figure out what you want from this relationship and go about getting what you need. You have to draw the line somewhere and my suggestion is to move it quite a good bit back to where it currently appears to fall.

Hey, she made it personal, and made it my business, by completely and utterly refusing to allow him any contact, with either her, or the kid, but contacting me to tell me what the kid wants and what to send - and if you think the insults I used in this post are nasty, you should see the ones she writes to me describing my boyfriend. The only reason I allow it is because it's the single only avenue of contact and he deserves that at least, if he has any chance of ever seeing his kid again. I did put my foot down and refuse last year, but then I relented and allowed her to contact me again.

As for stalking, I don't believe leaving contact details and photos where they can be freely found in the public domain is stalking? I'm not talking about private accounts and FB stuff, I'm talking about her own business website, linked to from her FB profile, publically? Since she writes me sych charming vitriolic rants about my fella twice a year or so, stands to reason I may have seen her profile.

Anyway, far from really hating her, I find her kinda funny. I know she really, really makes his blood boil though.

Oh yeah, one person asked why we sent gifts including cash in the post. They live in the UK. That's part of the reason she ates me so much, she thinks I made him move from the UK to Ireland, which I did not... that was someone else!

Anyway, I am still leaving this line of communication open (and just plain ignoring the sh*te she writes about him, and sometimes me, and the odd time, his mother) because at the end of the day, making sure that he has even the tiniest connection to his kid until she's at an age where she can contact him herself, is what matters most to me. Not for her, I don't know the kid, for him.

Back to the topic, anyway.... I'm just not sure if it's wise to attempt to contact her, to say there's a package waiting for them, that they can't deliver it, they might be able to arrange for a neighbour to collect it or something... I mean, that's what I'm mostly concerned about - that this package might end up coming back to us and they'll think that he never sent anything fr the kid this year.

The Big Red Button

Your view of the whole situation here appears to be completely warped.

The whole thing has nothing to do with you.

Your partner is only making things worse by allowing (encouraging?) you to make contact with his ex on his behalf.

If he gave the slightest crap about his daughter, he would be doing everything he could to get some sort of custody rights - through the appropriate legal channels.

That's absolute bull****, what you're saying about the current set-up being the only possible method of contact until the daughter is old enough to contact him herself. Unless there's a whole lot you're not telling us here? Has he been denied custody in court, for some reason? Is there a restraining order, or similar, in place? If do, it's there for a reason, and you should respect that.

I feel sorry for the kid(s) involved here. But, you should really do yourself and everyone else involved a favour - and stop getting involved in this. It's only complicating things more. If your partner wants to be involved in his daughter's life (and it doesn't sound that way, tbh), step back and let him do it himself.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you honestly think, if the mother is as vile as you say, that she isn't telling her daughter all sorts about him, and colouring the child's opinion of him.

As far as the child is concerned, her dad left, moved to a different country, has no interest in seeing her and thinks sending presents twice a year is a fairly decent attempt at being a father.

Why do you think when she's old enough to contact him herself that they will suddenly be reunited and she'll realise at last what a fantastic dad he actually was all along?

It might work out like that... then again it probably won't.

Again I'll ask.... if you weren't with your partner, how would they communicate?

Edit:

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm just not sure if it's wise to attempt to contact her, to say there's a package waiting for them, that they can't deliver it, they might be able to arrange for a neighbour to collect it or something... I mean, that's what I'm mostly concerned about - that this package might end up coming back to us and they'll think that he never sent anything fr the kid this year.

If she is not there, a note will have been dropped through her door to say that there is a registered parcel for her, and that she needs to collect it within a certain amount of time, after which it will be sent back to the sender.

So on that score, you don't need to let her know anything - the Royal Mail (I think!) will have done that bit for you.

Ickle Magoo

I'm not sure I'd call being abused a "line of communication" tbh, OP.

It sounds like two warring factions have managed to manipulate you into the centre of their drama until they don't have to speak and can both unload onto you - sounds horrendous.

I think you did the right thing stepping back before - they must sort things out themselves. What does your partner want to do regarding the present to his child?

chatterpillar

chatterpillar wrote: »

That's absolute bull****, what you're saying about the current set-up being the only possible method of contact until the daughter is old enough to contact him herself. Unless there's a whole lot you're not telling us here? Has he been denied custody in court, for some reason? Is there a restraining order, or similar, in place? If do, it's there for a reason, and you should respect that.

I feel sorry for the kid(s) involved here. But, you should really do yourself and everyone else involved a favour - and stop getting involved in this. It's only complicating things more. If your partner wants to be involved in his daughter's life (and it doesn't sound that way, tbh), step back and let him do it himself.

Nope, there's no legal reasons. And he doesn't want there to be any legal stuff, to prevent further aggrivating the situation. That's his decision.

He did not know where they were living until she made the effort to contact ME on Facebook (she'd obviously looked him up, and found me through him). I repeatedly at that time made it clear it wasn't my problem and to talk to him. She did, they had one heck of a row. He has since sent his phone number and stuff, but her preferred method of contact is through me. I do it because my boyfriend has asked me to, and that reason alone. I don't particularly LIKE doing it, but she seems to have become more civil towards me and he gets the info he needs through that.

I don't know where you got this impression that he would not want to be involved - the main reason he's keeping his head down and not dragging this through the courts is to attempt to keep things reasonable. It might not be working, but if that's how he wants to play it, then fair enough.

There's been an awful lot of reading between the lines there, quite imaginative, I don't see how sending a gift that cannot be delivered to his daughter's address means that he is was an abusive partner/father and is legally not allowed contact with them? Seriously?

Ickle Magoo

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I'm not sure I'd call being abused a "line of communication" tbh, OP.

It sounds like two warring factions have managed to manipulate you into the centre of their drama until they don't have to speak and can both unload onto you - sounds horrendous.

I think you did the right thing stepping back before - they must sort things out themselves. What does your partner want to do regarding the present to his child?

Obviously he wants it to be delivered before it goes missing, although it's registered, it's still a fair value to it and I doubt he gave a return address. He sends gifts every Christmas and birthday, she usually then writes me to say it arrived, and that's it - well, that's it now, it wasn't at the start.

I'm just baffled as to why people in this thread think my boyfriend must be some sort of abuser because I think his ex is a tw*t?

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you honestly think, if the mother is as vile as you say, that she isn't telling her daughter all sorts about him, and colouring the child's opinion of him.

He reckons she wouldn't. He says she probably takes her annoyance out on us, but she wouldn't mess with her kid's head.

[quote}As far as the child is concerned, her dad left, moved to a different country, has no interest in seeing her and thinks sending presents twice a year is a fairly decent attempt at being a father.[/quote]
Yeah he moved country, but it's not because he doesn't want to see her, it's cause she made it clear that he cannot.

Why do you think when she's old enough to contact him herself that they will suddenly be reunited and she'll realise at last what a fantastic dad he actually was all along?

Where the heck did you get that??! Bit of a leap there.

It might work out like that... then again it probably won't.

True.

Again I'll ask.... if you weren't with your partner, how would they communicate?

Guessing they wouldn't. He'll have to cross that bridge if it does arise, but for now he's got a working solution, doesn't he? I don't pay any heed to the rubbish, I just ask politey whatever it is he wants to ask, and take only the answer from whatever is written back. However, when they write to each other, all hell explodes.[/quote]

If she is not there, a note will have been dropped through her door to say that there is a registered parcel for her, and that she needs to collect it within a certain amount of time, after which it will be sent back to the sender.

So on that score, you don't need to let her know anything - the Royal Mail (I think!) will have done that bit for you.

That's what I hope, though I doubt he put a return address on it - we're just worried they may have moved house again or may be away for a long time as they've done before; though, I'm guessing since the kid's birthday was coming up, they might have let us know. He says they wouldn't, but I have a feeling they would. Anyway, it's the value of the parcel that's worrying us.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, you've made more sense than most

Taltos

Deleted User wrote: »

just baffled as to why people in this thread think my boyfriend must be some sort of abuser because I think his ex is a tw*t?

No-one has called him an abuser.

Deleted User wrote: »

the main reason he's keeping his head down and not dragging this through the courts is to attempt to keep things reasonable.

That is clearly working out oh so well...

OP you really need to step back here mentally as well as physically. There is only one reasonable approach here. The courts, fight tooth and nail to have a relationship with his daughter before it is too late, and you need to stop enabling this drama. Sorry to be so blunt but even here you are focussing on the negative and not on the advice you asked for.

Taltos

Taltos wrote: »

Sorry to be so blunt but even here you are focussing on the negative and not on the advice you asked for.

Yeah, not the topic, just defending my boyfriend.

I too would prefer him to go the legal route, but he does not want to, and I support him either way.

No it isn't ideal.

Anyway, the real issue is that I don't know whether WE (not just me, WE) should attempt to contact them to tell them that this parcel is at risk of disappearing into thin air (unless it can be returned, which I doubt, I reckon there was no return address on it), or since the sleeping dog has been lying for some time now, to leave it lie.

Ickle Magoo

Deleted User wrote: »

Obviously he wants it to be delivered before it goes missing, although it's registered, it's still a fair value to it and I doubt he gave a return address. He sends gifts every Christmas and birthday, she usually then writes me to say it arrived, and that's it - well, that's it now, it wasn't at the start.

I'm just baffled as to why people in this thread think my boyfriend must be some sort of abuser because I think his ex is a tw*t?

IIRC Royal Mail will try several times to deliver a package and then will leave a note saying it has been left at depot and the onus is on the customer to call for redelivery or collection. Maybe give Royal Mail or the local RM depot a bell and find out their protocols?

Rather than accusations of abuser, I'm picking up a lot of frustration that he's put you in the position of being abused by his ex, having to try to sort out the issues arising from his failed relationship and worrying about how best to approach his relationship with his daughter - and as a result you are posting describing how you are abused as you try to act as mediator...a position you should never, ever have been put in, in the first place.

For your own sake I think you have to ask your partner to step up to the plate and do his own dirty work, his own unpleasant communications, his own investigations of how best to deal with the situation he has played his part in creating. You had nothing to do with it, it just seems incredibly unfair that you are now left dealing with it. I appreciate you love him and are obviously very angry at his ex but he has choices here, and avenues to pursue or ignore and he has to be the one that lives with the majority consequences of those.

I wish you all the very best.

Morag

Honestly she may be going through you just to wreck both your heads and cause strive in your relationship. Block her and let her communicate with him.

Sharrow

Sharrow wrote: »

Honestly she may be going through you just to wreck both your heads and cause strive in your relationship. Block her and let her communicate with him.

I have considered this, that was definitely her intention at the beginning; however the more I ignored her the more civil she became.

The only reason they fell out and all this grief began was because they had some crossed wires that caused them to lose contact, and both blames the other. I get the impression that's why things go from innocent to nuclear warfare in about two emails, with that pair.

Honestly, none of it bothers me, but I don't enjoy it. We're worried they may have moved house and therefore the parcel will wind up missing - I'm concerned about the value of that parcel, not them or what they think! But he's worried about that actually happening - if they move and we don't know, then they lose contact for good. That's why I always end up giving in and allowing this go-between business to continue.

Daisy M

Deleted User wrote: »

Nope, there's no legal reasons. And he doesn't want there to be any legal stuff, to prevent further aggrivating the situation. That's his decision.

He did not know where they were living until she made the effort to contact ME on Facebook (she'd obviously looked him up, and found me through him). I repeatedly at that time made it clear it wasn't my problem and to talk to him. She did, they had one heck of a row. He has since sent his phone number and stuff, but her preferred method of contact is through me. I do it because my boyfriend has asked me to, and that reason alone. I don't particularly LIKE doing it, but she seems to have become more civil towards me and he gets the info he needs through that.

I don't know where you got this impression that he would not want to be involved - the main reason he's keeping his head down and not dragging this through the courts is to attempt to keep things reasonable. It might not be working, but if that's how he wants to play it, then fair enough.

There's been an awful lot of reading between the lines there, quite imaginative, I don't see how sending a gift that cannot be delivered to his daughter's address means that he is was an abusive partner/father and is legally not allowed contact with them? Seriously?

Seriously you are a pawn in this pairs game, your boyfriend may not be intentionally using you but he is. If you werent around they would have to get on with it. To be honest you acting as some kind of medium is not really achieving anything anyway so your involvement is pointless.

Big Bag of Chips

If its registered did he not have to leave some sort of details? How do you find out if its been delivered or not?

If he has a tracking number can he not contact the depot and give a return address if he didn't register one?

Daisy M

Daisy M wrote: »

Seriously you are a pawn in this pairs game, your boyfriend may not be intentionally using you but he is. If you werent around they would have to get on with it. To be honest you acting as some kind of medium is not really achieving anything anyway so your involvement is pointless.

If I was not around, I dare say he would never have found out where they were living, and would never have been able to make the small gesture of sending gifts - which is what she requested he do. I see what everyone is saying, but I too have a sickening feeling that if I wasn't available for mediation, he will lose the kid, completely. Similarly, I have a feeling this could be one of those times.

Daisy M

Right I have just realised this criticism is not actually helping you with the problem re the undelivered parcel. Ask that it be returned to your address put the money and gifts aside and send a letter saying it will be resent when they let you know they will be staying in the house and can accept delivery.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If its registered did he not have to leave some sort of details? How do you find out if its been delivered or not?

If he has a tracking number can he not contact the depot and give a return address if he didn't register one?

Yep, that's most likely what he will have to do. At risk of people shouting how this makes him a terrible father, he's a very disorganised person which is why I doubt there's any return address on it. Thanks for the reply

Daisy M

Deleted User wrote: »

If I was not around, I dare say he would never have found out where they were living, and would never have been able to make the small gesture of sending gifts - which is what she requested he do. I see what everyone is saying, but I too have a sickening feeling that if I wasn't available for mediation, he will lose the kid, completely. Similarly, I have a feeling this could be one of those times.

Your probably right and I know where your coming from, but as I have got older I have began to realise that you cant control other people or their relationships. Some people will be happy to let you do this for them but as I said earlier if you or someone like you were not around they would have to find a way to deal with things whether or not its the right way is their own business and something they need to take responsibility for. Your bf is as capable as you are of doing a little digging around and finding contact numbers, that he chooses not to and makes excuses not to go down the legal route makes it seem as though he lacks the interest (for want of a better word) to do so. Maybe take a step back, deliver any messages you get but leave it to him to act or not on them, try and resist been the driving force. I dont mean any of this harshly by the way, just trying to give you enough perspective to be able to realise that you are been put in an unfair position.

Daisy M

Daisy M wrote: »

Your probably right and I know where your coming from, but as I have got older I have began to realise that you cant control other people or their relationships. Some people will be happy to let you do this for them but as I said earlier if you or someone like you were not around they would have to find a way to deal with things whether or not its the right way is their own business and something they need to take responsibility for. Your bf is as capable as you are of doing a little digging around and finding contact numbers, that he chooses not to and makes excuses not to go down the legal route makes it seem as though he lacks the interest (for want of a better word) to do so. Maybe take a step back, deliver any messages you get but leave it to him to act or not on them, try and resist been the driving force. I dont mean any of this harshly by the way, just trying to give you enough perspective to be able to realise that you are been put in an unfair position.

Cheers, that doesn't come across as harsh at all

username123

I started reading this thread and just thought, the OPs partner has chosen the same woman twice!

Try to look at it objectively OP, what is the value in being the driving force in these peoples relationships? What are you getting out if it? Oh I see, it makes you indispensable to your partner. He cant leave you if youre the only link to his child right?

So its an effort to exert some control in your own relationship. Because lets face it, why would any new gf of someone bother going to all this trouble to facilitate his child from a past relationship?

The way you speak of his ex is disgusting. It makes you sound like you are as you describe her. Dont forget, he chose her too.

I think you would do well to back off on controlling other peoples relationships, try to address the really disgusting vitriol that you feel towards this woman - its really not healthy for you to be thinking this way about someone, it will eat you up.

Then maybe have a think about why your partner doesnt bother to make all this effort that you make. If the relationship with his child is worth having he would do it himself wouldnt he?

ElleEm

username123 wrote: »

I started reading this thread and just thought, the OPs partner has chosen the same woman twice!

Try to look at it objectively OP, what is the value in being the driving force in these peoples relationships? What are you getting out if it? Oh I see, it makes you indispensable to your partner. He cant leave you if youre the only link to his child right?

So its an effort to exert some control in your own relationship. Because lets face it, why would any new gf of someone bother going to all this trouble to facilitate his child from a past relationship?

The way you speak of his ex is disgusting. It makes you sound like you are as you describe her. Dont forget, he chose her too.

I think you would do well to back off on controlling other peoples relationships, try to address the really disgusting vitriol that you feel towards this woman - its really not healthy for you to be thinking this way about someone, it will eat you up.

Then maybe have a think about why your partner doesnt bother to make all this effort that you make. If the relationship with his child is worth having he would do it himself wouldnt he?

This exactly.

I had a friend who spent YEARS trying to help her boyfriend (ex now) see his children.
Her ex was as Budgese describes her boyfriend, very disorganised. He also was very defeated about the situation and could not see a way out of it.
My friend spent so much time liaising with legal professionals, Treoir, etc. It became all she could think about, as she was trying to help her boyfriend be happy and see his kids. It caused so many rows between them, and his ex was a bit mental too, very vindictive.

It burnt my friend out. She was fighting and fighting for something which was effectively not her problem. She was trying to "encourage" her boyfriend to do certain things (legal avenue) and he just was not in a place where he was bothered enough to do this. She had to take a step back, and they eventually broke up.

I often wonder did she want him to fight for his kids, as it would be evidence of how good a father he would be if they had kids together.

Budgese, you have to wonder how much your boyfriend would actually care about this if he didn't have you trying to manage the situation.

username123

username123 wrote: »

I think you would do well to back off on controlling other peoples relationships, try to address the really disgusting vitriol that you feel towards this woman - its really not healthy for you to be thinking this way about someone, it will eat you up.

I don't hate her, I find her amusing and irritating; somethings I get very annpyed for the way she speaks about my boyfriend; same was as I did earlier in this thread when most people leaped to the conclusion that he must be a bad person. The "vile" way I describe her was directly borrowed from my boyfriend's best mate

I have complete control over my own relationship, I don't need to make myself indispensable, but that's another story altoghether. I just do this because he asks me to and I find it hard to refuse him.

ElleEm

ElleEm wrote: »

This exactly.

I had a friend who spent YEARS trying to help her boyfriend (ex now) see his children.
Her ex was as Budgese describes her boyfriend, very disorganised. He also was very defeated about the situation and could not see a way out of it.
My friend spent so much time liaising with legal professionals, Treoir, etc. It became all she could think about, as she was trying to help her boyfriend be happy and see his kids. It caused so many rows between them, and his ex was a bit mental too, very vindictive.

It burnt my friend out. She was fighting and fighting for something which was effectively not her problem. She was trying to "encourage" her boyfriend to do certain things (legal avenue) and he just was not in a place where he was bothered enough to do this. She had to take a step back, and they eventually broke up.

I often wonder did she want him to fight for his kids, as it would be evidence of how good a father he would be if they had kids together.

Budgese, you have to wonder how much your boyfriend would actually care about this if he didn't have you trying to manage the situation.

This does sound like a terrible situation your friends found herself in, I shall make sure never to find myself in this situation. I hope your friend is alright now.

edellc

OP this is getting dragged of topic your question was about a parcel

I think you should get it returned and like was said earlier set it aside, from your opening post you knew this anyway

As for you bf he needs to grow a pair and take responsibility this is his mess not yours, and as for yourself do you love him that much that you see a future with him and all the baggage that comes with it

next time she contacts you tell her to stop to go through him, if he doesnt see his kid then thats his fault not yours

Thanks Edel, guess it's obvious that I should not then attempt to contact her and find out if they have moved again - that's really what I am wary of letting drop... but yeah, it's not my problem if they have upped and left and he can't find them....

TBH, I don't have any interest in kids, his or my own (that's to say I don't want kids of my own!! Not that I have some and amn't interested in them!), really I just want him to be happy. I'm happy as things are, I haven't lost anything.

Big Bag of Chips

If she's moved and not left a forwarding address then she can't really complain that he didn't send a present!

Well she CAN complain, but you don't have to entertain it.

Budgese, for your own sake I would stop having anything to do with her. It's one thing to act as a go between if she is at least civil to you but cannot deal with him. That would be a reasonable compromise. But the fact that you say she abuses your boyfriend, sometimes his mother, and sometimes you, would make me tell her to p off.

You don't have to deal with her, and you certainly don't have to deal with abuse... let her know that.

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If she's moved and not left a forwarding address then she can't really complain that he didn't send a present!

Well she CAN complain, but you don't have to entertain it.

Budgese, for your own sake I would stop having anything to do with her. It's one thing to act as a go between if she is at least civil to you but cannot deal with him. That would be a reasonable compromise. But the fact that you say she abuses your boyfriend, sometimes his mother, and sometimes you, would make me tell her to p off.

You don't have to deal with her, and you certainly don't have to deal with abuse... let her know that.

Thank you bag of chips, because two people in this thread said that he was an abusive partner or father, but a moderator told me not to defend him in that respect - I am glad you and other who previously attacked me are being kinder now. I still feel stabbed that because mod in this thread told me that no one is saying he is an abuser, those who said he was abusing his ex and kid get away with it.

She kicked him out, but he came back to see his kid, and after a while, they go back together. Then one day he came home from work and all his things were in the front room and his guitar was in pieces. So he left, but he came back every few weeks to see his kid.

They they got back together, but she was preggars with another man's kid, but my fella agreed to raise it as his own. About 8 months later he came home and his things were in the front room again, so he walked out for good. Can you blame him?

He did attempt to contact her to tell her he'd moved to Ireland, same as she tried to contact him to say she had a new mobile - it was a crossed wire, very unfortunate. She was with another guy before he left though, so his kid was safe.

[MOD SNIP]

I should NOT have to give his life story to prove that as a dad he was not the abusive partner - I know that people always assume that the mother is in the right - after she came back pregnant with another man's child, which he did raise as his own, she smacked him about.

Of course certain people will not believe this, because men are evil, etc

Grow up, women are sometimes bad too.

Not that it is anyone's business, but I came from a very normal family, well off parents, 2.4 kids (I am the .4) but he comes from a divorced family, his dad was lazy and never came to see him.

I wonder if that will appeal to the ones who are heaping hate and imagining him to be a big bad orge. Yep, he suffered like you, too! And yeah, like his girl, but that is NOT HIS FAULT. She wont let him see her.

End of. I am done. I never thought that a package not being delivered to an address meant my boyfriend is a wife beater!

Taltos

Thread closed at OPs request.
If you want this reopened please contact any of the mods.