Is it acceptable to turn my back on my dad?

keithsfleet

Hi sorry if this is in the wrong forum but looking for some guidance.

I'm 27 and i have two older brothers 32 and 36, I also have a younger sister who is 24 and she has twins who are 4 soon.
My Dad was in sales all his life and spent pretty much 2 weeks of every month travelling the world.
In 1996 he announced he was leaving us and moving to Colombia to be with the women he had been having an affair with. I took it very badly as did everyone in my family, i cried myself to sleep every night and often woke up in the middle of the night crying. 16 years later im still a bit resentful over it. I never really knew my dad and have missed out on allot of things, my brothers have sometimes in the past told stories of when my dad was around and how cool he was.
I only have one major memory of my Dad and that was when he made a small effort with me when i was 15/16 and he would come home every now and then to see me. My 16th birthday he took me and 8 of my friends to thunder road cafe in Temple bar for a meal. He went all out and rented a big Merc S500 to drive us around in and we all drank N/A Beer all night. My friends all thought he was the coolest Dad ever, I had never felt so proud in my life. I never wanted him to leave again.
Shortly after he went back to Colombia and i didn't hear from him for long time.


Since then he has made small efforts since i was 20/21 to contact me and my sister we would hear from him roughly 2 or 3 times a year.
He never really got back in contact with either of my brothers.
When my Niece and Nephew were born he moved back to Ireland promising to "be there" for his Grandkids and to change his relationship with his own kids and make a real effort......... 8months later he moves to Jersey in England.

One month ago I got a call off him and after 40minutes talking he tells me he has cancer and wants me to visit him in England before he moves back to Colombia for Treatment.
I never did.
Hes in Colombia now and i don't know his health.
I got talking to a stranger the other day and i nearly got physical with him when he told me i should of granted a possibly dying mans last wish and if I genuinely slept at night over my decision.

Am I wrong to have not leapt at my Dads request when he spent many many years knowing he had hurt his own flesh and blood badly but never really apologised over it or make an effort to fix it???

howamidifferent

My 2 cents...When that man dies, he dies with the knowledge and regrets that only he alone knows he carries. He may be sorry for his past, he may not. Only he will know for sure. But if you don't get to say how hurt you felt by him to him before he dies, you will always carry that sorrow and bitterness with you.

I'm not saying forgive the man, but use this as an opportunity to purge yourself of any feelings of hatred or hostility for the man. Tell him how he hurt you and how he hurt your family. Explain your hurt to him. Then let him have his say.
It may bring you closer or not. But it should at least help to reduce any regrets you may have after his death, that you never spoke your mind. Take the time to cleanse your own pain and see what happens from there.

Good luck.

cynder

My cousins refused to see their dad for 20 years he had abused them as kids, someone made contact with me saying the dad was dying, he had 2 weeks left to live. I passed the message on 4 of his 6 kids went to see him before he died at that point he was blind and paralyzed.

They are all happy with their choice to see him or not see him.

It's really something only you can decide.

You obviously have an emotional connection otherwise you would not be asking. If its not a burden financially or emotionally to fly around the world to see him then do it as you have nothing to lose from seeing him.
If its an inconvenience to go see him, then ask yourself if its really worth the effort.
As for your actual question..... I personally think its acceptable.

Fenian Army

Go see him, you will regret it if you don't.

Meteoric

You need to think of yourself here, never mind what other people think you should do. The fact that you had an almost physical reaction to someone saying what you are doing is wrong may mean that you do worry.
You need to do what is best for you, you owe him nothing, he divorced himself from you. You did nothing wrong, you were always there for him to contact. Now there is a time limitation, he will be gone, so if you want/need to say anything to him this is your only chance.
Every option will hurt, there is no win situation here, just what will in the end hurt you least. if that is to stay with no contact with the person who did not make you part of their life and accept that forever or try hear why he did what he did hoping that will make the hurt less, that he has a good excuse.
Take other peoples opinions, including mine, with a dose of salt, we are not you, I just hope you can find the solution that causes you the least extra harm.
You owe your father nothing but only you can know if seeing him will help close the hurt he left in your life by his actions and what others think has no bearing on anything.
My heart goes out to you

keithsfleet

Thanks to all of you for your advice.
To be honest I'm not entirely sure why i even posted this. Yes my original question was "would it be acceptable to turn my back on my dad" but all of yous have raised a very valid question which I never even considered.
I think there has been so much hate built up in me over being walked out on so many times that i don't even know if I would care, 5, 10 or 15 years down the line if the man I loved unconditionally were to die without me telling him staright up how i felt being let down so many times.

Fenian Army

keithsfleet wrote: »

Thanks to all of you for your advice.
To be honest I'm not entirely sure why i even posted this. Yes my original question was "would it be acceptable to turn my back on my dad" but all of yous have raised a very valid question which I never even considered.
I think there has been so much hate built up in me over being walked out on so many times that i don't even know if I would care, 5, 10 or 15 years down the line if the man I loved unconditionally were to die without me telling him staright up how i felt being let down so many times.

You don't know, when you do it will be too late.

The regret down the road which you may feel if you dont see him will be many degrees worse than the regret you may have if you do see him.

You regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did.

keithsfleet

Fenian Army wrote: »

You don't know, when you do it will be too late.

The regret down the road which you may feel if you dont see him will be many degrees worse than the regret you may have if you do see him.

You regret the things you didn't do, more than the things you did.

So your saying i need to build a time machine?

I suppose i have allot to think about, should really talk to my brothers but my oldest brother lives far side of the world and hasn't spoken about our Dad ever and ignores any questions posed to him.

Stheno

I was very close to my dad until my early twenties, pints together at the pub every weekend regular chats.

Then that ended, and we had a very stilted relationship where I'd see him maybe every six months and after ten minutes we'd ran out of stuff to talk about.

He died last year of cancer.

I visited him very often when he was diagnosed as being terminal, we still didn't talk much, but I helped him to the toilet, checked on his condition with the nurses, and tried to make sure he was comfortable.

Two days before he died, he was moved to a hospice suite and I was with him as other family members were getting dinner/having a break.

I adjusted his bed, and through gestures he told me which tv channel he wanted to watch, and I made sure he was comfortable.

It is probably my most cherished memory of him, that connection we had when I was young coming back at a time when he was very ill and close to death.

I'm not the sort to say "i love you Dad" etc, but that half an hour gave me a huge amount of peace when it came to losing my dad, and I'll never regret it. On top of that I spent the evening with him a few days before he died when he got to see a couple of sports fixtures that went his way and he was delighted.

Those times now are very very special to me, the gap of 18+ years went, and I will always remember and cherish the conversations we had that he didn't have with anyone else, and the small bits of comfort I was able to give him when I could.

Go see your Dad, I think you might regret it otherwise. I never got to do certain things I wanted to with my Dad, but when the time came, I left at peace and I think he did too.

cbyrd

My dad passed away 18 months ago and since then i regret every bad word between us.. we had a great relationship though and were always very close, but you always have regrets when you leave something unsaid. I was with him right to the end and there was great comfort in that.


.. i suppose what you need to ask yourself is when he eventually does die (as we all will) will you regret not saying everything you need to say.. how hurt you've been since he left and how much you resent his moving away all the time.
It might surprise you as to how much of a weight it would lift from you just to tell him, even if it is a simple 'you left.. and i hated you for it.' you will have the peace of mind that you didn't walk away and it wasn't left unsaid, trust me it'll haunt you

golden lane

keithsfleet wrote: »

Hi sorry if this is in the wrong forum but looking for some guidance.

I'm 27 and i have two older brothers 32 and 36, I also have a younger sister who is 24 and she has twins who are 4 soon.
My Dad was in sales all his life and spent pretty much 2 weeks of every month travelling the world.
In 1996 he announced he was leaving us and moving to Colombia to be with the women he had been having an affair with. I took it very badly as did everyone in my family, i cried myself to sleep every night and often woke up in the middle of the night crying. 16 years later im still a bit resentful over it. I never really knew my dad and have missed out on allot of things, my brothers have sometimes in the past told stories of when my dad was around and how cool he was.
I only have one major memory of my Dad and that was when he made a small effort with me when i was 15/16 and he would come home every now and then to see me. My 16th birthday he took me and 8 of my friends to thunder road cafe in Temple bar for a meal. He went all out and rented a big Merc S500 to drive us around in and we all drank N/A Beer all night. My friends all thought he was the coolest Dad ever, I had never felt so proud in my life. I never wanted him to leave again.
Shortly after he went back to Colombia and i didn't hear from him for long time.


Since then he has made small efforts since i was 20/21 to contact me and my sister we would hear from him roughly 2 or 3 times a year.
He never really got back in contact with either of my brothers.
When my Niece and Nephew were born he moved back to Ireland promising to "be there" for his Grandkids and to change his relationship with his own kids and make a real effort......... 8months later he moves to Jersey in England.

One month ago I got a call off him and after 40minutes talking he tells me he has cancer and wants me to visit him in England before he moves back to Colombia for Treatment.
I never did.
Hes in Colombia now and i don't know his health.
I got talking to a stranger the other day and i nearly got physical with him when he told me i should of granted a possibly dying mans last wish and if I genuinely slept at night over my decision.

Am I wrong to have not leapt at my Dads request when he spent many many years knowing he had hurt his own flesh and blood badly but never really apologised over it or make an effort to fix it???

the only thing you will ever be happy with....is your own decisions......you only owe yourself your feelings...............

keithsfleet

Thank you to all who replied.
I have gotten in touch with him as was suggested and he will be back in England in 2 weeks. Im gonna go over to him and talk it out.

Shellygoose

Im glad to hear that OP.

I had similar tensions with my father. He passed away due to a sudden heart attack while myself, mam and brother were on hols abroad...and because i was so angry with him at the time, I refused to speak to him on the phone the nite before he died. something i still regret to this day.

If you think you will find it difficult to say everything to his face, maybe write a letter to him. Then discuss things once you've gotten everything out in the open. Just my 2 cents anyway...best of luck with it all.

ddlong

I think writing him a letter is a fantastic idea. It will allow you to take your time to think about exactly what you want to say, and to say it without being interrupted. You could bring the letter with you when you go to visit, let him read it and then that will give the 2 of you a chance to talk about it. This could help avoid a situation where you go over to visit him and upon seeing that he is ill, you decide not to say what you really wanted to say to him, or forget some of the things you wanted to say. Best of luck. Very sad situation to be in.