Should or Shouldn't.....

XxJGxX

Hello everyone.

I'm male, Irish, 16 years of age and currently doing my Junior Cert. Over the months since I got the Summer holidays which was last year in June, I got feelings for a guy in my school. He's Polish, 16 years of age and is doing his Junior Cert as well, but is in a different group. The only time we would be able to talk to each other is in Tech Graphs, Woodwork, etc..., or any free classes. I've had a lot of free time on my hands but I didn't use it wisely and just let it go to waste.

When we are together, however, he will always make me laugh and/or smile. He will try to teach me Polish and thanks to him I even know my name in Polish (Which sounds cool). We would usually make eye contact and/or smile at each other and I would believe that he likes me as well. The odd time he would give me a pat on the back or the waist. It's only when he see's a woman's ass that he would go " (My Name), look. Nice ass! Yeah!". No offence to any women, that's the way he says it. I then think to myself that I shouldn't say anything to him, but I want to. I get a fear that if I told him he would never talk to me again or worse, hit me or call me a gay b**tard.

I did try to say it to him today but the fear kicked in and I didn't say nothing.

What should I do? If I tell him that I like him, he'll either like me back, stick to being friends or hate me for the rest of my life.

Every comment is appreciated, thank you.

Locker10a

If i were you i wouldnt do anything! Dont make any moves! Because u have feelings for him(clearly) you naturally convert every interaction he has with you as a flirt! But its because u are seeing things throught roes-tinted-teenage-crush glasses ! When i was in school i had loads of similar interactions with lads but they wernt gay or curious they were just friendly, simple as! And i would imagine its the same with you situation! Besides your only in JC, there is alot to lear about relationships and having feelings for someone yet! By the time you are in LC you will look back and be amazed at how immature and foolish you were in JC. Im not saying you are immature and foolish but thats how we all look back on our-selves at that age!

CdeC

Hi OP,
I think you shouldn't tell him you have feelings for him. He clearly likes you as a friend but by checking out women with you he is stating that he is straight. Imagine if it was a girl and you. What would you do if she turned around and told you she liked you. It would make the friendship difficult as you don't return those feelings.

Work on your friendship with him. Enjoy his company and these feelings will pass. You need to meet someone who will return the attraction.

Best of luck,
C

Dwn Wth Vwls

How do you react when he points out a girl? How does he react to your reaction, does he study you to see how you react?

Chances are he's straight and he's just being friendly. If you like being his friend, then focus on that. If you can't put aside your crush and just be friends, then you'll probably have to make an effort to slowly drift away from him.

DubArk

Shouldn’t.


I know it’s so horrible that you haven’t the freedom to express your feeling but unfortunately that’s the way life is.
For all the reasons you’ve expressed you really can’t put it out there because the repercussions could be plenty and you have to finish your education. You’d have to be 100% sure he was interested before you could do that.

I seems so unfair and you know what, it is.

XxJGxX

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

How do you react when he points out a girl? How does he react to your reaction, does he study you to see how you react?

Chances are he's straight and he's just being friendly. If you like being his friend, then focus on that. If you can't put aside your crush and just be friends, then you'll probably have to make an effort to slowly drift away from him.

When he points out a girl I just turn around, look at her, back again and say 'Yeah', smiling at him, putting my head down in shame (Only word to explain it... shame)...

stephen_n

I'd say from what you have posted its a defenite no. He defenitely seems straight and because of your attraction to him your reading his friendship as something else. Of course there is the possibility he is Bi but it's a very big risk to try find out since his primary attraction seems to be females. I'd just leave it be for now and work on becoming comfortable with your sexuality. If your in Dublin or even if your not as they have a countrywide network now I would recommend contacting BeLonG To.

oisindoyle

XxJGxX wrote: »

When he points out a girl I just turn around, look at her, back again and say 'Yeah', smiling at him, putting my head down in shame (Only word to explain it... shame)...

I have to agree with many of the above posters.I would have to advise you to do nothing.
It's likely that he is just a crush ,and unless he initiates something I would leave it for fear of losing what you have got ,a nice friendship.A boy that makes you laugh and makes you feel good inside .
It is on one hand a horrible situation to be in ,because you clearly have feelings for him and you want him to feel the same about you.
I am confused though why you said what you did in the above post ,where you said you put your head down in "shame" when looking at a girl .
Why "shame" ,what's shameful about looking at a girl ?

Luke!

Has he ever reacted to anything gay in a negative way?

XxJGxX

oisindoyle wrote: »

I have to agree with many of the above posters.I would have to advise you to do nothing.
It's likely that he is just a crush ,and unless he initiates something I would leave it for fear of losing what you have got ,a nice friendship.A boy that makes you laugh and makes you feel good inside .
It is on one hand a horrible situation to be in ,because you clearly have feelings for him and you want him to feel the same about you.
I am confused though why you said what you did in the above post ,where you said you put your head down in "shame" when looking at a girl .
Why "shame" ,what's shameful about looking at a girl ?

I know it isn't shameful to look at a girl, it's only when he points out a girl and makes a compliment I think to myself "I feel shameful that I'm gay" kinda feeling, as I said, I can't really fully explain it but deep down I know I'm gay.

Also, the group that I'm in at school, the guys make A LOT of comments about a girl's ass when they see one, so put paranoid on top of that and it adds more to the "shame".

Captain Graphite

XxJGxX wrote: »

I know it isn't shameful to look at a girl, it's only when he points out a girl and makes a compliment I think to myself "I feel shameful that I'm gay" kinda feeling, as I said, I can't really fully explain it but deep down I know I'm gay.

Aww. Listen, don't EVER feel ashamed about being gay.

Like other posters said, I wouldn't tell this guy that you have a crush on him. But if you think he, or any other close friends, would be supportive of you if they knew you were gay, then maybe you could consider telling them that. You don't have to say who specifically you like, just say you like guys! It may ease your mind a bit if you could just throw it out there.*

If not.....then all I can say is that you're still really young and there will come a time in the future when stuff like this won't be such a worry for you.

*of course, you shouldn't come out if you don't feel ready, or if you strongly suspect your friends would reject you for it, in which case they aren't really friends. But if you think even one person would understand, it could be a big relief to talk to them about it.

XxJGxX

Captain Graphite wrote: »

Aww. Listen, don't EVER feel ashamed about being gay.

Like other posters said, I wouldn't tell this guy that you have a crush on him. But if you think he, or any other close friends, would be supportive of you if they knew you were gay, then maybe you could consider telling them that. You don't have to say who specifically you like, just say you like guys! It may ease your mind a bit if you could just throw it out there.*

If not.....then all I can say is that you're still really young and there will come a time in the future when stuff like this won't be such a worry for you.

*of course, you shouldn't come out if you don't feel ready, or if you strongly suspect your friends would reject you for it, in which case they aren't really friends. But if you think even one person would understand, it could be a big relief to talk to them about it.

Thanks Captain Graphite.

One of my friends (Straight) is really supportive towards LGBT people and groups so I might tell him first. I've know him before I went into first year in secondary school so he would understand more. Get a bit of the pressure off my shoulders.

Luke!

XxJGxX wrote: »

Captain Graphite wrote: »

Aww. Listen, don't EVER feel ashamed about being gay.

Like other posters said, I wouldn't tell this guy that you have a crush on him. But if you think he, or any other close friends, would be supportive of you if they knew you were gay, then maybe you could consider telling them that. You don't have to say who specifically you like, just say you like guys! It may ease your mind a bit if you could just throw it out there.*

If not.....then all I can say is that you're still really young and there will come a time in the future when stuff like this won't be such a worry for you.

*of course, you shouldn't come out if you don't feel ready, or if you strongly suspect your friends would reject you for it, in which case they aren't really friends. But if you think even one person would understand, it could be a big relief to talk to them about it.

Thanks Captain Graphite.

One of my friends (Straight) is really supportive towards LGBT people and groups so I might tell him first. I've know him before I went into first year in secondary school so he would understand more. Get a bit of the pressure off my shoulders.

Good Luck! Telling the first person is a nerve wracking experience but trust me it feels great! (if things go well)

XxJGxX

Luke! wrote: »

Good Luck! Telling the first person is a nerve wracking experience but trust me it feels great! (if things go well)

Luke! wrote: »

Has he ever reacted to anything gay in a negative way?

Thanks. Even thinking about it is nerve wrecking as I don't know what's going to happen.

As for your comment earlier, he's never really reacted to anything gay in a negative way.

oisindoyle

XxJGxX wrote: »

I know it isn't shameful to look at a girl, it's only when he points out a girl and makes a compliment I think to myself "I feel shameful that I'm gay" kinda feeling, as I said, I can't really fully explain it but deep down I know I'm gay.

Also, the group that I'm in at school, the guys make A LOT of comments about a girl's ass when they see one, so put paranoid on top of that and it adds more to the "shame".

Ok ,just one thing NEVER be ashamed of who you are be that straight ,bi ,or gay.you are who you are .

Coming out to yourself is for many(not all) a HUGE thing ,all sorts go through your mind,"will I be accepted" how will my family /friends take it", ect ect ect all sorts of "crapology" if you like, wrecks your head,it can be a hugely stressful thing .

You said in a previous post that you are thinking about coming out to a straight friend. If you do decide to do it just think things throught first .

Only come out when you feel YOU want to and feel comfortable in doing so .

Are you sure this friend would keep it a secret ?

What if it got out and some bastard in school used it against you ,i.e. bullying ,would you be able for that given that you have important exams coming up ?

Im not trying to put a dampner on things ,just think things through first .

You are only 16 theres plenty of time to come out and to get your head around it .
Whatever you decide I wish you well .
PM me if you wish anytime

XxJGxX

oisindoyle wrote: »

Ok ,just one thing NEVER be ashamed of who you are be that straight ,bi ,or gay.you are who you are .

Coming out to yourself is for many(not all) a HUGE thing ,all sorts go through your mind,"will I be accepted" how will my family /friends take it", ect ect ect all sorts of "crapology" if you like, wrecks your head,it can be a hugely stressful thing .

You said in a previous post that you are thinking about coming out to a straight friend. If you do decide to do it just think things throught first .

Only come out when you feel YOU want to and feel comfortable in doing so .

Are you sure this friend would keep it a secret ?

What if it got out and some bastard in school used it against you ,i.e. bullying ,would you be able for that given that you have important exams coming up ?

Im not trying to put a dampner on things ,just think things through first .

You are only 16 theres plenty of time to come out and to get your head around it .
Whatever you decide I wish you well .
PM me if you wish anytime

Thanks oisindoyle.

I'm 100% sure that my friend would keep it a secret. He's my closest friend in the school who isn't stupid enough to tell anyone anything.

Beruthiel

XxJGxX wrote: »

"I feel shameful that I'm gay" kinda feeling,

Do you think a man from Africa should feel shame for being black?
JG, never, ever feel shame for who you are.
We are all unique, special individuals.
How boring the world would be if we were all the same.
Celebrate and be proud of who you are!

XxJGxX

Beruthiel wrote: »

Do you think a man from Africa should feel shame for being black?
JG, never, ever feel shame for who you are.
We are all unique, special individuals.
How boring the world would be if we were all the same.
Celebrate and be proud of who you are!

Thanks Beruthiel.

I say the world would be a boring place if we were all the same and believe me... it's very boring (Especially school:D).

XxJGxX

I've also managed to tell my friend that I'm gay, well... "I'm..." any ways, he finished off the rest for me and I just nodded. He said he isn't bothered if anyone he knew was gay, lesbian or bi, so it was a bit of a relief. He promised that he wouldn't tell anyone unless I felt more comfortable.

As well, when I heard my friend say the word "gay", it gave me a bit of a shock in my chest, did any one ever get a feeling like that?

Luke!

XxJGxX wrote: »

I've also managed to tell my friend that I'm gay, well... "I'm..." any ways, he finished off the rest for me and I just nodded. He said he isn't bothered if anyone he knew was gay, lesbian or bi, so it was a bit of a relief. He promised that he wouldn't tell anyone unless I felt more comfortable.

As well, when I heard my friend say the word "gay", it gave me a bit of a shock in my chest, did any one ever get a feeling like that?

I got that aswel when I told my best friend he said "are you actually gay though" my heart started beating really fast and I just held my breath and said I'm bi and waited for his reply. Thankfully it was positive.

Johnny Derpp

Don't do it boss.
If he doesn't react the way you want him to, it could make your next three years in school very difficult.

XxJGxX

Luke! wrote: »

I got that aswel when I told my best friend he said "are you actually gay though" my heart started beating really fast and I just held my breath and said I'm bi and waited for his reply. Thankfully it was positive.

That makes two of use then. It's good when your best friend doesn't mind who you are as long as your happy. If it's a negative it's a different story.....

Johnny Derpp wrote: »

Don't do it boss.
If he doesn't react the way you want him to, it could make your next three years in school very difficult.

Do you mean the person that I like?

Johnny Derpp

Not just that.
But what if he says it to someone else, or it gets around.

Schools are breeding grounds for ignorant assholes.

oisindoyle

XxJGxX wrote: »

I've also managed to tell my friend that I'm gay, well... "I'm..." any ways, he finished off the rest for me and I just nodded. He said he isn't bothered if anyone he knew was gay, lesbian or bi, so it was a bit of a relief. He promised that he wouldn't tell anyone unless I felt more comfortable.

As well, when I heard my friend say the word "gay", it gave me a bit of a shock in my chest, did any one ever get a feeling like that?

Well congrats to you ,well done .As for the feeling u got in your chest ,it's the realisation that you are finally out and the relief.
Good for you :-)

XxJGxX

oisindoyle wrote: »

Well congrats to you ,well done .As for the feeling u got in your chest ,it's the realisation that you are finally out and the relief.
Good for you :-)

Thanks oisindoyle.

Johnny Derpp wrote: »

Not just that.
But what if he says it to someone else, or it gets around.

Schools are breeding grounds for ignorant assholes.

Believe me, he was the VERY FIRST FRIEND that I made even before I went into first year and since then we've been very close so he wouldn't tell anyone anything if I wasn't comfortable with it.

TylerIE

XxJGxX wrote: »

.

Re your original post, your Polish friend may be gay, he may not be.

I dont think the ideal time to come onto someone is a friend in school.

If hes that good a friend then ye will still be friends in a few years when you have come to terms with handling your sexuality a bit better, both of you will be out of school, and you will have had more time to gauge his potential reactions / sexuality.

It sounds like you get on great with him, so (just like a straight guy with a female friend) why ruin it by coming onto him?

I know that ultimately some of my school crushes/gaydar pings turned out to well founded, but Id never recommend coming onto a school friend. Him commenting on girls doesnt mean hes straight, or that hes gay... some of the biggest womanisers from my schooldays were over-compensating out of their "shame".

Annasopra

XxJGxX wrote: »

I've also managed to tell my friend that I'm gay, well... "I'm..." any ways, he finished off the rest for me and I just nodded. He said he isn't bothered if anyone he knew was gay, lesbian or bi, so it was a bit of a relief. He promised that he wouldn't tell anyone unless I felt more comfortable.

As well, when I heard my friend say the word "gay", it gave me a bit of a shock in my chest, did any one ever get a feeling like that?

Well done. Glad that it went well for you.

mrroboto

Congrats on coming out to that first person. Such a couragous thing to do at 16. I was a week shy of 19 when I told my best friend, like your friend she was outspoken in her support of gay people etc... Still not easy though.
At I had a good friend who I had feelings for at 16, I was picking up signals that weren't there, I'm glad I didn't say anything to him. Almost 4 years later and were still great friends, he knows I'm gay and I know he's straight. As gay men we interpret body contact from other guys differently to straight guys, so don't read too much into that. Maybe your friend does have feelings for you but far more likely he does not.
16 was an awkward age for me, friends are having relationships for the 1st time and here you are in the closet known as secondary school. Enjoy being your own person and being single. Value your friendships in secondary school, I'm in college now and my nearest and dearest friends are still my school friends and I miss them daily.
My advice to all 16 year olds gay straight and bi is stay single, stay friends. Relationships at that age are awful. My single friends were always happier than friends with girlfriends/boyfriends.

This goes on and on I know, just felt a need to share.:p

XxJGxX

It's been ten days since the last time I came on this thread and things have gone very smoothly since then. My friend is very supportive for who I am and that is good enough for me.

However, I tried to forget about the person I like but every time I thought about him I would get a sharp pain in my chest (Same feeling when I was telling my friend) so I had no choice but to tell him.
When the right moment came I said "I'm gay..." to him and he seemed surprised and I replied "You'r not angry, are you?". He smiled at me and said "You'r my best friend, I'm not angry".
It was a relief to know that he wasn't judging me by the way I was and that was all that mattered.

Again, thank you to everyone who supported me along the way and without your support I wouldn't have been able to do any of this.

Thank you.

baby and crumble

Always good to hear a positive story, OP! Well done.

oisindoyle

XxJGxX wrote: »

It's been ten days since the last time I came on this thread and things have gone very smoothly since then. My friend is very supportive for who I am and that is good enough for me.

However, I tried to forget about the person I like but every time I thought about him I would get a sharp pain in my chest (Same feeling when I was telling my friend) so I had no choice but to tell him.
When the right moment came I said "I'm gay..." to him and he seemed surprised and I replied "You'r not angry, are you?". He smiled at me and said "You'r my best friend, I'm not angry".
It was a relief to know that he wasn't judging me by the way I was and that was all that mattered.

Again, thank you to everyone who supported me along the way and without your support I wouldn't have been able to do any of this.

Thank you.

How nice is that ,,,Well done you ,great stuff.

LegacyUser

Hi man!

I only read this thread a few days ago but didn't have the time to send a message properly. I can completely relate to your story, and I'm sure many others can too!

I think I'd agree with most of the posters in saying that your friend probably is not gay, or if he is he hasn't really come to terms with it/realised it yet (I certainly hadn't accepted it in 3rd Year anyway). Still, I think what you did was extremely brave, I certainly couldn't have told my friends during secondary school, and looking back now I'm glad I didn't. If you have a good judgement of friends (which you obviously do) then fair play to you.

Also, in relation to the "nice ass!" remarks, don't worry about it! I'm out to my closest friends, and I still pass judgement on a nice ass, fair enough you mightn't want to go any further but it's still ok man, don't be ashamed! If anything, your friends will still be amused, it's banter more than anything.

With regards the crush, I have been there too at your age. Have you ever heard of a man crush? It's kind of like when you admire a guy but not sexually asuch, it's pretty common nowadays. Actually in fact 2 of my straight male friends tell me all the time that I'm theirs =P Maybe that's what you could be feeling? Anyway, his reaction is the best you could really hope for from a friend, and that's fantastic. Also, I did pick up on another thing you said about if ye make eye-contact and he smiles at you, pats you on the back/waist, etc. That could really be a cultural thing, in comparison to the rest of Europe Irish guys are not as affectionate because it comes across as "gay" so it can easily be misinterpreted. Loads of my guy friends from abroad would be similar to how you described your Polish friend. Sorry to burst your bubble a little bit, but I mean there's nothing wrong with admiring a nice view right?

Anyway man, well done because you have achieved so much and you're only 16! If anything reading your posts made me proud of how the younger generation is changing for the better in relation to homophobia in school. Just keep being yourself, and you'll make a great role model