The end.. for good thins time

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Going anonymous for this one. Would really appreciate advice on this
To cut a long story short, been with a guy for almost a year, broke up back in October for 2 months when he decided he need a break only to go start seeing another girl. Anyway, he came back in December asking to give it another go. I agreed and everything was ok for a while until he mentioned marraige. I told him I wasn't ready for that as we had only just got back together. Ever since this the whole this has gone downhill.

He's always picking rows with me, checks my phone as soon as I leave the room, goes on my FB to see who i've been talking to, has become very jealous if I try to talk to any male friends or colleagues. He has also become very possessive and hates me going to see my friends and family alone so I've stopped going as it causes too many rows. He wants to be at my side as much as possible. I can't even have an evening on my own anymore but he turns up at my house.

Saturday night I decided I'd go see my best friend as I hadnt done in sooo long, He wasnt happy but I carried on. While I was out he landed to my house at 1am and began ringing my phone wanting to know why I wasnt home yet. When I did get home at 2am he went ballistic wanting to know where I had been all night.

I Dont think i can carry on. He seems to want full control and I just cant cope anymore.

Beruthiel

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

He's always picking rows with me, checks my phone as soon as I leave the room, goes on my FB to see who i've been talking to, has become very jealous if I try to talk to any male friends or colleagues. He has also become very possessive and hates me going to see my friends and family alone so I've stopped going as it causes too many rows.

Saturday night I decided I'd go see my best friend as I hadnt done in sooo long, He wasnt happy but I carried on. While I was out he landed to my house at 1am and began ringing my phone wanting to know why I wasnt home yet. When I did get home at 2am he went ballistic wanting to know where I had been all night.

All of the above is totally unacceptable, bunny boiler behaviour.
He's trying to isolate you from your friends and family so he can gain even more control.
Put a stop to that now.
Personally, I'd tell him that it's over as you have no intention of living a controlled life.

Lorrs33

It seems as though you already know what to do, OP. I do find it a little strange that when you broke up, he was the one to start going out with someone else and now he's become obsessive of you. It seems to me as if he wants to be calling the shots. He's planned out in his head how he wants to be with you, marry you, etc, and because you're not reciprocating he's become paranoid. My advice is to cut all ties. You don't need that kind of hassle and it's clearly making you miserable.

LegacyUser

Lorrs33 wrote: »

It seems as though you already know what to do, OP. I do find it a little strange that when you broke up, he was the one to start going out with someone else and now he's become obsessive of you. It seems to me as if he wants to be calling the shots. He's planned out in his head how he wants to be with you, marry you, etc, and because you're not reciprocating he's become paranoid. My advice is to cut all ties. You don't need that kind of hassle and it's clearly making you miserable.

I've tried to ask for some space several times but he wont accept it. He constantly rings and texts during the day and when i don't reply (I'm a nurse) He accuses me of not giving him enough attention and that I always put him last. This is on going from day to day. I feel like Im going to crack up. Nothing i do helps matters. I'm always in the wrong. he's says he's disappointed in me and that "I've" changes. Its my fault that we're rowing as I wouldnt agree to getting engaged. It just seemed to much too soon, especially after he had gone out with another girl a few months before and totally ignored the fact I ever existed.

daisybelle2008

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

I Dont think i can carry on. He seems to want full control and I just cant cope anymore.

Why do you need to carry on?
Why are you so insecure with yourself that you have stopped seeing your friends and family to satisfy the whims of this control freak?
Why would you put your relationship with him above your relationship with your family?
What part of you thinks it is worth sticking around to be abused and rowed with for having a life for yourself?

If you can't answer these questions, get to a counsellor and try to figure out so that you don't think so little of yourself that you would put up with a horrible excuse for a relationship like this.

Miss Fluff

He sounds like an out and out freak. You've been going out less than a year and in that time he has dumped you, found another girlfriend, is trying to isolate you from family friends and colleagues and is acting like a paranoid, jealous control freak. GET OUT NOW. If he's like this and you're not even going out a year I shudder to think what he would be like after another year or two. This is how abusive relationships start off, get out while you can and thank your lucky stars he's displaying this freakzoid behaviour now rather than when you're married and have a few bubbas with him.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

He sounds like an out and out freak. You've been going out less than a year and in that time he has dumped you, found another girlfriend, is trying to isolate you from family friends and colleagues and is acting like a paranoid, jealous control freak. GET OUT NOW. If he's like this and you're not even going out a year I shudder to think what he would be like after another year or two. This is how abusive relationships start off, get out while you can and thank your lucky stars he's displaying this freakzoid behaviour now rather than when you're married and have a few bubbas with him.

Hi Miss Fluff, thanks for your input. See he comes across as sooo sweet and nice in front of everyone else. His parents and sister see him as a saint and actually believe that we row because I dont think or act the way he does. His parents have him believing that if your a couple you stuff everyone else and stick together ALL THE TIME. As in every evening, every week end , EVERY spare minute. I cant cope with this. Im used to having my own space and being somewhat independent. I don't feel the need to have to depend on people but he feels that I need to depend on him for everything. I need to talk to him about EVERYTHING. I recently moved house, much to his dissatifaction. He told me not to move where I was going because he didnt like the area. I had already promised my housemate I'd move with her and carried on.
Since this he has refused to visit me there, saying he told me not to do it and so now I can just drive to him instead in the evenings. Which he expects EVERY evening.

I just dont understand why this has all happened. It used to be great until the whole engagement thing.
I really think its come to an end.

LegacyUser

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Why do you need to carry on?
Why are you so insecure with yourself that you have stopped seeing your friends and family to satisfy the whims of this control freak?
Why would you put your relationship with him above your relationship with your family?
What part of you thinks it is worth sticking around to be abused and rowed with for having a life for yourself?

If you can't answer these questions, get to a counsellor and try to figure out so that you don't think so little of yourself that you would put up with a horrible excuse for a relationship like this.

Thanks daisybelle,
I think that maybe because I've had a couple of bad relationships before that I was hoping that this would for once turn out ok. Your completely right in what you are saying/asking. Its come to the stage where I just want to be on my own in the evenings. My family have noticed the control already and my father has made it pretty clear that he's not exactly fond of him.
He lies on a regular basis in order to make me feel bad e.g as soon as I mentioned I was going to meet my friend last Sat night he told me he had a special table booked for dinner trying to make me feel guilty. This was lies, I checked it out. He also tells me girls are always texting him asking him out. Why he feels the need I don't know.

Saying all this makes me realise that I'm just kidding myself thinking this will ever work. I dont need this, its an excuse for a relationship.
Its actually telling him though, I've tried twice before and he starts to cry saying all the right things and I end up backing down. I just need to stick to my guns If i possibly can.

Miss Fluff

Oh girl you really should call it quits with this guy as soon as possible, it's even worse than you first described in your original post. He's a bully and a control freak. If you have the good sense to finally break it off, and I hope you will follow through with it, then you need to be very definite and leave him without a shadow of a doubt that it's over and it is over permanently. No second (or third) chances and no feeling sorry for him - he sounds as manipulative as can be and it sounds like you've been falling for it. He'll tell you things will get better (:rolleyes:) and that he's only behaving like that because he loves you so much (:rolleyes:) and that he is insecure because he feels he's not good enough for you (:rolleyes:)....all lines. Get rid!

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Oh girl you really should call it quits with this guy as soon as possible, it's even worse than you first described in your original post. He's a bully and a control freak. If you have the good sense to finally break it off, and I hope you will follow through with it, then you need to be very definite and leave him without a shadow of a doubt that it's over and it is over permanently. No second (or third) chances and no feeling sorry for him - he sounds as manipulative as can be and it sounds like you've been falling for it. He'll tell you things will get better (:rolleyes:) and that he's only behaving like that because he loves you so much (:rolleyes:) and that he is insecure because he feels he's not good enough for you (:rolleyes:)....all lines. Get rid!

Oh Miss Fluff,

Those are the exact lines I'm hearing and adding in he's only doing it for my own good and just wants to be there for me, for me to lean on etc etc etc. Because i came from a bad relationship he's showing me how it should be done and how a boy should really treat his GF.
I just need to bite the bullet and do this, I cant face anymore badgering.

curlzy

OP,

If you're clever enough to be a nurse then you're too clever for this crap. Surely if you're a nurse you understand domestic abuse and can see the red flags? When you have an abusive patient that's screaming at you what do you do? Do you back down, or do you do your job? You do you job, don't you? Well this is your new job: break up FOR GOOD with your pathetic bunny boiler boyfriend. Honestly OP, you're well able.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

OP,

If you're clever enough to be a nurse then you're too clever for this crap. Surely if you're a nurse you understand domestic abuse and can see the red flags? When you have an abusive patient that's screaming at you what do you do? Do you back down, or do you do your job? You do you job, don't you? Well this is your new job: break up FOR GOOD with your pathetic bunny boiler boyfriend. Honestly OP, you're well able.

Best of luck.

Thanks Curlzy,

It's encouragement I need to get this done. I have no idea why I feel so guilty about doing it, especially with the way he's acting now and what he's done in the past.
Really appreciated your time in writing this.

daisybelle2008

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

Thanks daisybelle,
I think that maybe because I've had a couple of bad relationships before that I was hoping that this would for once turn out ok. Your completely right in what you are saying/asking. Its come to the stage where I just want to be on my own in the evenings. My family have noticed the control already and my father has made it pretty clear that he's not exactly fond of him.
He lies on a regular basis in order to make me feel bad e.g as soon as I mentioned I was going to meet my friend last Sat night he told me he had a special table booked for dinner trying to make me feel guilty. This was lies, I checked it out. He also tells me girls are always texting him asking him out. Why he feels the need I don't know.

Saying all this makes me realise that I'm just kidding myself thinking this will ever work. I dont need this, its an excuse for a relationship.
Its actually telling him though, I've tried twice before and he starts to cry saying all the right things and I end up backing down. I just need to stick to my guns If i possibly can.

The counselling will help you figure out why you continually tolerate bad relationships. I shudder to think how bad the last ones were that you think this dysfunctional mess is a good bet for working out.

Unless you sort out your self-esteem you will continue to go for men you treat you badly. You are getting too used to it that you are losing sight of how abnormal and self-destructive it is.

Send him an email/text, but cut him out asap. As long as you go out with people who treat you badly you will have sh*t relationships.

You have to look at your role in this. You can't keep having no standards for how men treat you, no sense of what you want, and letting them control your life negatively and then wonder why you have a miserable relationship.

Miss Fluff

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

Oh Miss Fluff,

Those are the exact lines I'm hearing and adding in he's only doing it for my own good and just wants to be there for me, for me to lean on etc etc etc. Because i came from a bad relationship he's showing me how it should be done and how a boy should really treat his GF.
I just need to bite the bullet and do this, I cant face anymore badgering.

Jesus he is a walking cliche. A scary cliche all the same. Doing it for your own good? Purleeease. Arrange to meet him and tell him that you no longer see a future for the two of you and that you want to cut all ties. I actually wouldn't give him the opportunity to speak as he'll only feed you more lines. Get a friend to come around there with you and to wait in the car for you. I can absolutely guarantee you that if you decide to stay with this guy you'll be posting next about how he beat seven shades of **** out of you because you spoke to the postman. He's textbook hon, wave dayday! Best of luck.

BarackPyjama

My personality disorder detector is going off the f**king charts here! OP - leave him now and don't look back. Find a public place to break the news to him.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Jesus he is a walking cliche. A scary cliche all the same. Doing it for your own good? Purleeease. Arrange to meet him and tell him that you no longer see a future for the two of you and that you want to cut all ties. I actually wouldn't give him the opportunity to speak as he'll only feed you more lines. Get a friend to come around there with you and to wait in the car for you. I can absolutely guarantee you that if you decide to stay with this guy you'll be posting next about how he beat seven shades of **** out of you because you spoke to the postman. He's textbook hon, wave dayday! Best of luck.

Thanks Miss Fluff,

I know I need to do this. I just fear by meeting him I'll not stick to my decision and i'll be talked around. His crying makes me feel like a witch.
Thanks for your posts, really helps alot. Hopefully I can come back in the next while to say Im free!

Taltos

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

His crying makes me feel like a witch.

See this for what it is - another way he is trying to manipulate you.

Seriously as per Miss Fluff - have someone (a close friend) there with you or close to you.
Stick to your guns - "Brian - I don't want a fight or a discussion so here is it - we're finished, end of. Thanks, now don't contact me again and bye" - and flee that area fast.

No need for protracted explanations - every reason you give will just be turned back to you either with empty promises / tears / "it's your fault anyway".

LegacyUser

BarackPyjama wrote: »

My personality disorder detector is going off the f**king charts here! OP - leave him now and don't look back. Find a public place to break the news to him.

I think now that I can truly say I need to do this, all the replies have given me the boost I need.
Thanks BarackPyjama

Miss Fluff

Taltos wrote: »

No need for protracted explanations - every reason you give will just be turned back to you either with empty promises / tears / "it's your fault anyway".

This is what has stopped you from making it final before now OP. Don't give him the opportunity to a. complain or b. explain. It's over - you need to channel some inner strength and put an end to is as soon as possible and you should only need to tell him once that it's over. Done.

Esoteric_

Speaking as someone who has been in an abusive relationship before, I can only echo the other posters; get out now!

That's how my abusive relationship started out. At the time, I was a dumb, naive 17 year old kid and thought it was his way of showing he cared (he was in his mid 20s). Eventually, it escalated to extreme violence and worse, but I got out in the end. Not before he'd done a lot of physical and mental damage, but I got out.

This man is churning out all the cliched old lines to manipulate you and the fact that Miss Fluff could accurately tell you lines he'd already used on you is just proof that he is a textbook manipulative, abusive person.

Run, and don't look back. Do NOT meet up alone to break the news to him. You might not believe it really, but for your safety you need a friend there. Your safety is of the utmost importance here.

Get out now and never look back. As someone who was too silly to get out earlier, I can tell you that guy will destroy you if you give him the opportunity. Think of yourself, and run.

Tigger99

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Speaking as someone who has been in an abusive relationship before, I can only echo the other posters; get out now!

That's how my abusive relationship started out. At the time, I was a dumb, naive 17 year old kid and thought it was his way of showing he cared (he was in his mid 20s). Eventually, it escalated to extreme violence and worse, but I got out in the end. Not before he'd done a lot of physical and mental damage, but I got out.

This man is churning out all the cliched old lines to manipulate you and the fact that Miss Fluff could accurately tell you lines he'd already used on you is just proof that he is a textbook manipulative, abusive person.

Run, and don't look back. Do NOT meet up alone to break the news to him. You might not believe it really, but for your safety you need a friend there. Your safety is of the utmost importance here.

Get out now and never look back. As someone who was too silly to get out earlier, I can tell you that guy will destroy you if you give him the opportunity. Think of yourself, and run.

I agree 100% with this post apart from when the OP says that they were too silly to get out earlier.

While you were 100% right to leave, it can be very hard to come to that point because you have been so manipulated or made feel stupid for disagreeing with his actions or purely being in denial that the relationship is toxic/abusive because you think you should know better than to be with someone like that. You did leave and thats the important thing

LegacyUser

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Speaking as someone who has been in an abusive relationship before, I can only echo the other posters; get out now!

That's how my abusive relationship started out. At the time, I was a dumb, naive 17 year old kid and thought it was his way of showing he cared (he was in his mid 20s). Eventually, it escalated to extreme violence and worse, but I got out in the end. Not before he'd done a lot of physical and mental damage, but I got out.

This man is churning out all the cliched old lines to manipulate you and the fact that Miss Fluff could accurately tell you lines he'd already used on you is just proof that he is a textbook manipulative, abusive person.

Run, and don't look back. Do NOT meet up alone to break the news to him. You might not believe it really, but for your safety you need a friend there. Your safety is of the utmost importance here.


Get out now and never look back. As someone who was too silly to get out earlier, I can tell you that guy will destroy you if you give him the opportunity. Think of yourself, and run.

LyndaMcL you've been really brave, I'm sure it was a shocking time for you and reading this makes me realise how serious it could get.
I've asked him to meet me this evening, Its now or never. Feel the need to get it over and done with. People will probably say im a heartless b*tch as they only see the "good" that he protrays. Wish me luck peeps!!
Hopefully I can come on here tomorrow much happier.
Thanks again for all your replies. x

ManOfMystery

He sounds like a total control freak. And you'll never be happy or be yourself with someone like that. Get out of there OP - and no matter whether he starts crying, punching the walls or promising you the moon and stars, you have to keep your end goal in sight - to end the relationship, if you can even call it that.

If he starts pleading and begging, don't be sympathetic - think of that as yet another example of him trying to manipulate you.

Johnny_BravoIII

The decisions you make as to who you spend your life with will decide the type of life you will live.

Miss Fluff

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

LyndaMcL you've been really brave, I'm sure it was a shocking time for you and reading this makes me realise how serious it could get.
I've asked him to meet me this evening, Its now or never. Feel the need to get it over and done with. People will probably say im a heartless b*tch as they only see the "good" that he protrays. Wish me luck peeps!!
Hopefully I can come on here tomorrow much happier.
Thanks again for all your replies. x

Well done, you're doing the right thing. I wouldn't hang around to listen to his begging and pleading. Choose your wording carefully and make sure you leave him in no doubt that it's over for good this time. Make sure to have a friend wait in the car for you. Best of luck and let us know how you go x

Oryx

It doesnt matter what other people think, they dont know the full facts about this guy. Anyway, let them think what they want. Your priority is to get away from this man.

Dont waver. Remember THIS IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. He will likely try anything to keep you with him, promises that he will change, reminders of everything he has done for you, threatening that leaving him will destroy him (or he will destroy himself). When he does this, remind yourself how his possesiveness makes you feel. Remind yourself that this is manipulation too.

You dont owe this man anything. If he threatens, pleads, begs, remember that it is not your job to 'fix' him. You werent put on this earth for his happiness, but for your own.

Esoteric_

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

LyndaMcL you've been really brave, I'm sure it was a shocking time for you and reading this makes me realise how serious it could get.
I've asked him to meet me this evening, Its now or never. Feel the need to get it over and done with. People will probably say im a heartless b*tch as they only see the "good" that he protrays. Wish me luck peeps!!
Hopefully I can come on here tomorrow much happier.
Thanks again for all your replies. x

Trust me when I say you're doing the right thing.

People might think you're heartless, but that's because he's a typical abuser. He can be the nicest guy in the world to everyone because it's a mask, but he treats you like dirt underneath his shoe. It's all textbook abuser.

I really hope you're okay and that you had the strength to go through with it. When I was in your situation, I never really believed it'd get any worse than that, so I stuck it out, and it did get worse, a lot worse.

You're doing the absolute best thing for yourself in getting out. Please, please look after yourself, and stay safe.

LegacyUser

Hey all im back!

Well I spoke to him and it was AWFUL! He sobbed and cried and said he's never felt this way about anyone and loves me and doesnt want to lose me.
I fell terrible, i didnt think he'd react so badly!
he says for me to take a few days and have a good think about it and let him know.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Well, I hope you took the advice you were already given and told him you didn't need any time to think - it was over!

Delete all means of communication with him and get on with your life. If he contacts you again be firm but clear it's absolutely over.

All the best.

Miss Fluff

What is there to think about?

Pa Dee

Dragonfly14 wrote: »

Hey all im back!

Well I spoke to him and it was AWFUL! He sobbed and cried and said he's never felt this way about anyone and loves me and doesnt want to lose me.
I fell terrible, i didnt think he'd react so badly!
he says for me to take a few days and have a good think about it and let him know.

Are there any guarantees he could possibly give you if this is affecting you so much ?

girl2

Him crying the bit out and behaving that way is all part of the abuse. That's how abusers work. Manipulating and turning situations around.

I think you really, really need to be very careful here and do not under any circumstances find yourself back with him. Because you will really regret it.

Please, please take the advice that you have already been given by posters here. I know it is so hard to walk away from a relationship, but what you have with him will end up destroying you.

I really hope you dont go back there.

Op, I hope you understand this is all part of the act.

Re-read your original posts about his snooping and suspicion and obsession, and realise how normal and unhealthy it was. Remember how you couldn't cope.
Then do not get in contact again.

You're not under obligation to be with someone to make them happy when it's making you miserable, remember that.