So,my boyfriend has feelings for someone else...

starprincess

Hi everyone,

Just found out that my boyfriend of 3 years has been developing feelings for his work colleague for the last two months. Found out after seeing he sent her a series of drunken texts including that he wished she was there and missed her etc..
He cried when I confronted him and said he felt so guilty and would never ever act on it. Said he was more embarassed than anything esp as it was obvious she wasn't having any of it. Said he's confused and cannot get her out of his mind (whether its guilt or other reasons he doesn't know). But they text each other constantly in jokey flirty ways which makes me feel that he is not doing enough to stop it from developing further.

He has been completely honest with me, I know he loves me to death and I believe that he would never act on it. But somehow I feel really betrayed, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and I don't know if I could hold him again without worrying that he is thinking about her.

He hasn't acted on anything and I know he won't-Am i acting way too overboard?? I am completely devastated that he could think of another girl in that way...:( I don't want to leave him but I feel I cannot stay with him either...

Would be interested to hear both male and female views-also please only helpful advice-no smart, mean comments-I'm feeling delicate enough as it is!

ash23

I believe that he would never act on it

Do you? I wouldn't if I'm honest. Mainly because he said she was having none of it.
When my ex came back to me after a fling and I asked how I would know he wouldn't do it again, he said that the girl would have nothing to do with him if he messed her around again.
Personally for me, having to rely on HER saying no, wasn't good enough for me.

When he was drunk she said no to his advances. But what was he doing coming on to her in the first place? And if he was so remorseful and guilty, why is he still sending her flirty texts?

I don't know OP. For me, although nothing happened, he made advances on another woman who he has admitted to having feelings for.
And I'm not sure but it sounds like you found the texts as opposed to him coming clean? If so, you must have had an inkling something was afoot to be checking his phone? (that's an assumption as it's not clear from your posts as to what happened)
I wouldn't be as confident as you that he wouldn't cheat with her given the chance.

starprincess

Really appreciate the replies,

I believe that he would never act on it

Do you? I wouldn't if I'm honest. Mainly because he said she was having none of it.
When my ex came back to me after a fling and I asked how I would know he wouldn't do it again, he said that the girl would have nothing to do with him if he messed her around again.
Personally for me, having to rely on HER saying no, wasn't good enough for me.

I may be making excuses for him but he didn't say it as bluntly as that. I think he was saying it to reassure me that nothing has been going on and I suppose to be upfront and admit his full responsibility for it...

And if he was so remorseful and guilty, why is he still sending her flirty texts? This is I suppose what is making things so hard for me-they are not flirty anymore but just constant unnecessary chit-chat..should he not be doing all he can to stay away and not try to lead her on or whatever??

And I'm not sure but it sounds like you found the texts as opposed to him coming clean? If so, you must have had an inkling something was afoot to be checking his phone? (that's an assumption as it's not clear from your posts as to what happened)
Yes i found them by accident when searching for a number but I had no inkling that anything was wrong whether that is a good or bad thing on my part I don't know-again he said he wanted to tell me but felt that he had sorted it out by apologising to her the next day and clearing things up..

I suppose the bottom line is that he has broken my trust-Can this be repaired?? I know I cannot just erase what happened..I love him so so much..we've talked about our future, everything...Can i really throw it all away because of a few flirty texts or am I really fooling myself?? I am distraught over this.......:(

starprincess

Sorry-I don't know how to post the quotes properly..

ash23

Nobody can really answer those questions for you OP.
Only you know if you can trust him again. But you don't need to feel bad if you can't. He is the one who made the mistakes.

The fact is he works with this girl so he can't cut her out of his life completely.
So your question to yourself is can you be happy with him seeing her every day? If not, if it's going to make you miserable, then you need to question whether there is still a future for you as a couple.

Big Bag of Chips

Have you told him how his constant chit-chat texts make you feel? He should have the cop on to know that he has crossed a line, and as a result of that he has to limit his contact with her..

Not because you demand it, or tell him to, or because it makes you jealous or insecure etc... but because he has crossed the line of being friends with her into wanting a bit more.

There is nothing wrong with finding ourselves attracted to other people when we are in relationships. We don't suddenly become blind to others... but.. what is supposed to happen is that we resist the urge to act on feelings we may have, and we avoid situations that may allow the feelings to develop further.

Unnecessary chit-chat texts should be something he now avoids, and discourages. He can't be "just friends" with her, be side he has made it clear that he wants/would want something more.

If he doesn't stop texting her, he is disrespecting your relationship and your feelings.... ask him if the tables were turned what he'd think.

Lorrs33

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Have you told him how his constant chit-chat texts make you feel? He should have the cop on to know that he has crossed a line, and as a result of that he has to limit his contact with her..

Not because you demand it, or tell him to, or because it makes you jealous or insecure etc... but because he has crossed the line of being friends with her into wanting a bit more.

There is nothing wrong with finding ourselves attracted to other people when we are in relationships. We don't suddenly become blind to others... but.. what is supposed to happen is that we resist the urge to act on feelings we may have, and we avoid situations that may allow the feelings to develope further.

Unnecessary chit-chat texts should be something he now avoids, and discourages. He can't be "just friends" with her, be side he has made it clear that he wants/would want something more.

If he doesn't stop texting her, he is disrespecting your relationship and your feelings.... ask him if the tables were turned what he'd think.

I agree.

The fact that he has confessed everything to you may have cleared his conscience a bit and he is still texting this girl, thinking it's OK because you are aware of it so he doesn't feel he's being deceptive. He probably thinks it's innocent, harmless texting but from experience, the worst way to get over someone is to keep in constant contact with them. Yes, he has to see her in work but he doesn't have to engage with her all the time. It sounds to me like he doesn't want to get over her. But you know him better than I do, of course. As others have suggested, sit down and explain to him how you're feeling. He needs to know you're hurting.

The Lovely Muffin

If my boyfriend told me he had been developing feelings for someone else, I would break it off immediately.

Your boyfriend only cried because he was caught, he only sorry because he was caught.

If you hadn't seen those texts he would have continued on with them.

If the girl was up for it, I bet he wouldn't have said no.

He knows he'll get nowhere with her, so is telling you this so he still has someone to come to, someone to have sex with, someone to call his girlfriend, someone to cook his dinner and someone he can cook dinner for.

I'd be out of that relationship so fast my feet wouldn't touch the ground.

I believe if it's happened once, it will happen again. And the next time it could be more than texts.

Big Bag of Chips

Sometimes people's heads can be turned, and people make silly mistakes. He might have been flattered by a bit of attention and allowed himself to get deeper than normally he would.

That alone doesn't mean he's all bad and should be dumped immediately.

What matters is how he proceeds from here. And continuing, what most would consider, an "inappropriate friendship" is not on.

Again, I want to stress... it's not inappropriate, because "you say so". It's inappropriate because he has developed feelings for her, while in a relationship with you.

In my opinion, "something's gotta give."

curlzy

starprincess wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Just found out that my boyfriend of 3 years has been developing feelings for his work colleague for the last two months. Found out after seeing he sent her a series of drunken texts including that he wished she was there and missed her etc..
He cried when I confronted him and said he felt so guilty and would never ever act on it. Said he was more embarassed than anything esp as it was obvious she wasn't having any of it. Said he's confused and cannot get her out of his mind (whether its guilt or other reasons he doesn't know). But they text each other constantly in jokey flirty ways which makes me feel that he is not doing enough to stop it from developing further.

He has been completely honest with me, I know he loves me to death and I believe that he would never act on it. But somehow I feel really betrayed, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and I don't know if I could hold him again without worrying that he is thinking about her.

He hasn't acted on anything and I know he won't-Am i acting way too overboard?? I am completely devastated that he could think of another girl in that way...:( I don't want to leave him but I feel I cannot stay with him either...

Would be interested to hear both male and female views-also please only helpful advice-no smart, mean comments-I'm feeling delicate enough as it is!

Really trying to rein myself in here and not say what I'm thinking. OP, do you really think that him texting someone that "he misses them and that he wishes they were there", ISN'T acting on it? Really? So what exactly was that if it wasn't "acting on it"? And him saying he's embarrassed because she's having none of it, none of what exactly? His c*ck? It certainly sounds like he's offered it to her. Honestly OP, you can delude yourself to bits here but if you don't have a bit of dignity and respect for yourself you're going to get cheated on, do you not think you're better than getting treated like this? How are you supposed to watch him go off to work everyday and not wonder if they're at it in the stock room? Or wonder if it's her whenever he gets a text? If I were you I'd break up with him and I certainly wouldn't be holding his hand while I do it.

Seriously, unless you LOVE drama and getting treated like sh*t then get out of there.
best of luck.

Idle Passerby

He is persueing the feelings he has for this girl and allowing, even encouraging them to develop by engaging in flirty texting with her. He's not really doing anything to ensure he gets over this crush and focuses his feelings back to you and based on that I think its only a matter of time before he's telling you he's cheated and "never meant it to happen". Dont be a mug OP, he's basically telling you he is willing to jeopardise your relationship for this other woman.

Dolly Daydreams

starprincess wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Just found out that my boyfriend of 3 years has been developing feelings for his work colleague for the last two months. Found out after seeing he sent her a series of drunken texts including that he wished she was there and missed her etc..
He cried when I confronted him and said he felt so guilty and would never ever act on it. Said he was more embarassed than anything esp as it was obvious she wasn't having any of it. Said he's confused and cannot get her out of his mind (whether its guilt or other reasons he doesn't know). But they text each other constantly in jokey flirty ways which makes me feel that he is not doing enough to stop it from developing further.

He has been completely honest with me, I know he loves me to death and I believe that he would never act on it. But somehow I feel really betrayed, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and I don't know if I could hold him again without worrying that he is thinking about her.

He hasn't acted on anything and I know he won't-Am i acting way too overboard?? I am completely devastated that he could think of another girl in that way...:( I don't want to leave him but I feel I cannot stay with him either...

Would be interested to hear both male and female views-also please only helpful advice-no smart, mean comments-I'm feeling delicate enough as it is!

IMO it didn't happen because SHE didn't want it to happen.. Just keep that in mind

dellas1979

Its very bold of him for you to find out all that and he is still texting her?

So what if he cried. Crocodile tears. Anyone would cry too getting caught doing something they shouldnt. Its called getting yourself out of a pickle.

What does matter is that he knows he shouldnt be doing this, yet he still is. And oh if he plays the "but she is only a friend" card, he is moving blame on to you. Dont take it. Stand up for yourself, draw a line for him about what you expect, and move from there. At the moment he is showing zero respect toward you. Called having your cake and eating it.

dellas1979

starprincess wrote: »

Hi everyone,

He has been completely honest with me, I know he loves me to death and I believe that he would never act on it.

Do you really believe all the above now after finding out what he has been doing?

That comment is a knee jerk reaction-almost disbelief. He hasnt been honest with you. Maybe he does love you, but has a very strange way of showing it, and are you sure he wouldnt act on it if given half a chance?

starprincess

Everyone-Thanks you so much for all your replies, both positive and negative..I agree with them all in some way I think..

Sat down and talked with him-basically asked him everything that has been said to me here so thank you for that! He realises he overstepped the mark and it is inappropriate and disrespectful to text her in that way. HE realises that he can have nothing more than a professional relationship with her now. He is devestated because he knows he has ruined things forever-it took along time to build up trust with me as I don't share it out too easily. This is the clincher for me..

Just broke it off with him and kicked him out of our house....Is it the right decision when it feels so so devestating? I'm trying so hard not to cry because once I start I know I won't be able to stop....IT seems like such a small reason but trust is everything to me....

Herrick

starprincess wrote: »

IT seems like such a small reason but trust is everything to me....

What he was texting her wasn't a small thing. You did the right thing.

Taltos

I think I would have to do the same as you. As much as it hurts now, it would only hurt more later trying to live the lie with someone who just doesn't deserve your love, and who next time may have physically cheated as well as emotionally cheating which you caught him at now.

All the best OP, you will get through this.

P. Breathnach

I think you did the right thing. That doesn't mean that it is easy for you, but it is almost certainly easier than the pain he might well have inflicted on you had you allowed him to stay.

There is no rule against crying.

starprincess

starprincess wrote: »

Just broke it off with him and kicked him out of our house....Is it the right decision when it feels so so devestating? I'm trying so hard not to cry because once I start I know I won't be able to stop....IT seems like such a small reason but trust is everything to me....

I have to say, I've seen your thread over in the college forum, and all I can say is that no matter how bad this feels now, you've just taken a HUGE, brave step forwards. I can't even imagine how difficult it was, but you've definitely done the right thing. None of this was your fault - he's the one to blame, and all you've done is stand up for yourself. Normally I'd never speak on behalf of anyone else, but I can say pretty confidently that you have the respect of everyone here. I hope things start to look up for you from now on

starprincess

Thanks for the support everyone-but I don't think I will ever forgive myself...I'm completely broken...

Can I let someone go so easily just because of a "maybe"..."maybe he would have gone further".......We have been through absolutely everything together-he is my rock-I just know how much he loves me too, as delusional as people may think I am being.....

He is genuinely sorry I know he is, it was a mistake, just to boost his ego and get some attention..i don't think he meant it to go so far...He has been begging me for another chance, saying he will do anything etc...

the hardest thing is that the one person that can cheer me up and hug me right now is him.....:(

Big Bag of Chips

It doesn't need to be the end. Only you can decide that. Only you can decide if you can trust him again.

There's no rush to get back together straight away. Give yourself a little bit of time to get your head around it all. If you are meant to be together, it will be. So it doesn't have to be today or tomorrow.

Ask him to give you a bit of space. Don't contact you, don't beg you etc. This will give you the time to figure things out FOR YOURSELF, without his influence constantly in your ear.

Then whatever you decide is solely your decision, and one you know you have made for the right reasons.

Couples have, and do, get over things like this, if they both really want to.

There's no time limit... if there is, then it's not a natural choice or solution (for want of a better word)

I wish you well... take care of yourself first, then everything else will turn out ok.

CBFi

StarPrincess, my heart is breaking for you. I've been with my OH for 3 years too and I would feel awful if this happened but I, too, would be in two minds. I'm not sure what I would do..

I can really understand why you are double thinking your decision although you really do need to stand up for yourself in this situation because it's still cheating- it's emotional cheating which is so hurtful. Very worrying - what would have happened if you hadnt caught him!?

I agree with Big Bag of Chips that you should take your time, take a break and think about what you want. It's up to you if you can forgive him and live the life you had planned with him or whether you can never get over this. He will just have to wait until you have decided what you want.

Idle Passerby

starprincess wrote: »

Thanks for the support everyone-but I don't think I will ever forgive myself...I'm completely broken...

Can I let someone go so easily just because of a "maybe"..."maybe he would have gone further".......We have been through absolutely everything together-he is my rock-I just know how much he loves me too, as delusional as people may think I am being.....

He is genuinely sorry I know he is, it was a mistake, just to boost his ego and get some attention..i don't think he meant it to go so far...He has been begging me for another chance, saying he will do anything etc...

the hardest thing is that the one person that can cheer me up and hug me right now is him.....:(

By the sound so it, if the other girl had been interested in being with him I dont think he'd be so sorry or begging for another chance. You may eventaully get back together with him OP, but let him see how serious you are that you will under no circumstances stand for him chasing other girls behind your back. It doesnt sound like he was naive in all this, he was actively engaging in flirtation, in my opinion with a view to cheating on you. When he was found out he said sorry but continued thinking you would be fool enough to let him away with it!

starprincess

Hi everyone-

Just want to say how much I appreciate all of your comments-as sad as it sounds I don't really have any close friends around at the moment and it has really helped me to vent and hear all of your thoughts on it because it is very difficult to see the whole picture when you're that upset.

I'm taking the best advice-space. I am actually looking forward to clearing my head and maybe it will be a true testament of whether we belong together or not. To be honest, we are just really on afew weeks break and I know deep down I will take him back eventually (if he continues to grovel that is!) We've been through too much to let this split us up entirely although I know it won't be the same for a long time. He is genuinely hurting now, he knows how wrong he was and I believe that he needs to face the consequences now and see that I won't be walked all over or tolerate any sort of disrespect.

I hope I am doing the right thing..I doubt I would be doing this if I hadn't read any of your comments so Thank you again..weirdly enough the comment that stood out most for me was @pbreathnach "there is no rule against crying" and that really made me feel better for some reason. So i'm off now to have a good long cry and hopefully over time things will begin to slowly repair again..

CarMe

You did the right thing, please don't let yourself think it's over something small- look at all the advice you've gotten from numerous totally impartial people. You made the right decision and Im so so glad you did.
My heart goes out to you OP.
You'll be so glad in a couple of months that you've broken up with him.

LegacyUser

Hey OP. I've been on your boyfriend's shoes, I'm a girl and a few years back was going out with my bf 3 years when I started developing feelings for a guy I was in a course with.
Didn't "act" on it (as in I didn't have sex with him), we shared lots of texts and great feelings and we saw each other every day.
I would fall asleep beside my bf and I would text the other guy goodnight.
I didn't get caught.
I decided that my bf was worth better than that and that I loved him dearly and then I broke up with him (bf) after a couple of months because I simply wasn't in love with him anymore.
I'm sorry, I know someone said that fancying other people because you're in a relationship is perfectly normal, but keep texting her after he told you?
I would feel betrayed and so angry and so resentful I couldn't possibly get over it.
I just told you my story (and I ain't proud of it mind you) just to tell you that now I know why I developed feelings for the other guy, I just simply wasn't in love with the guy anymore and, although I loved him dearly, I needed something else somewhere else.
Because I didn't have sex with the other guy doesn't mean I don't feel like I cheated on my ex..
I'm sorry hope you work out what's best for you, because you know what's best for you.
all the best x

Fizzlesque

starprincess wrote: »

Said he's confused and cannot get her out of his mind QUOTE]

I don't think there is a single 'stock' answer anyone can give you, ultimately, only you can make the decision whether or not to try and work through this situation. However, I was once in a similar situation your boyfriend is now in and the part of your post I quoted above reminded me of that time.

It was many years ago now, but one year into a five year relationship I cheated on my (then) boyfriend with a man I'd been crazy about long before my relationship started. I told my boyfriend and we split up, but a few months later we got back together and stayed together for a further 4 years.

In retrospect I see the situation a lot clearer than I did at the time, and what I eventually realised was that my boyfriend wasn't the right man for me.....long term, at least. I can see now that all the stuff that was glaringly obviously missing from our relationship at the end, was actually missing at the beginning too. I just couldn't see it at the time. The happy haze of a new relationship masked it well.

By time our relationship ended (amicably) it had well and truly run its course, and I'm glad I got the chance to spend those extra years with him. I was emotionally damaged from a very unpleasant childhood, and he loved me back to a good place. I'm eternally grateful to him for loving me at a time I really needed some love.

I don't know if telling you part of my story helps or hinders or doesn't do anything at all. As I said earlier, only you can decide what's the best course of action for you. Relationships are complex, as are the people in them. Give yourself plenty of time to figure it out, that's probably the advice I'd give you, if I was to give any.

Best of luck.

Piliger

It is a complete fantasy that we go through life and only have feelings for one person at a time. To believe that is incredibly naive and unrealistic.

The vast majority of people develop attractions to a number of people and sometimes they overlap. This is what it means to be human. What matters is how strong those feelings are and what we chose to do with them. It is totally unrealistic to expect people to shut down their whole emotional system when they start dating. Even after people get married they will almost always have warm and sometimes feelings of attraction toward one other or maybe even two other people. However it is what they choose to do or not do that matters.

OP - you have to make an assessment about your BF. Is he committed to you? What are these feelings exactly ? Does he just enjoy her company and conversation ? Is that a mortal sin ? I don't see anywhere here how old you are. That is very important. Is he experienced ? Experienced on how to handle these kinds of emotions and feelings and decisions ?

The kind of intolerant attitude that makes people say dump anyone who is not perfect does nothing but ruin people's lives. Because no one is perfect and the sooner people realise that the happier they will be.

Idle Passerby

Piliger wrote: »

It is a complete fantasy that we go through life and only have feelings for one person at a time. To believe that is incredibly naive and unrealistic.

The vast majority of people develop attractions to a number of people and sometimes they overlap. This is what it means to be human. What matters is how strong those feelings are and what we chose to do with them. It is totally unrealistic to expect people to shut down their whole emotional system when they start dating. Even after people get married they will almost always have warm and sometimes feelings of attraction toward one other or maybe even two other people. However it is what they choose to do or not do that matters.

OP - you have to make an assessment about your BF. Is he committed to you? What are these feelings exactly ? Does he just enjoy her company and conversation ? Is that a mortal sin ? I don't see anywhere here how old you are. That is very important. Is he experienced ? Experienced on how to handle these kinds of emotions and feelings and decisions ?

The kind of intolerant attitude that makes people say dump anyone who is not perfect does nothing but ruin people's lives. Because no one is perfect and the sooner people realise that the happier they will be.

I agree with this to a certain degree, yes you do become attracted to other people despite being in a relationship from time to time but part of being mature is recognising that if you want to stay with the person your with you should not be feeding the crush behind your partners back. Healthy relationships need attention, giving that attention to someone else is not going to benefit the original relationship.

Piliger

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I agree with this to a certain degree, yes you do become attracted to other people despite being in a relationship from time to time but part of being mature is recognising that if you want to stay with the person your with you should not be feeding the crush behind your partners back. Healthy relationships need attention, giving that attention to someone else is not going to benefit the original relationship.

Yes. But we have to learn and we have to give people a chance to learn. Is this guy 45 or 21 or 17 ? it really matters imho.

NoobSaibot5

Hats off to you OP for throwing him out! It takes balls to do that, and you've shown that you've got a lot more self respect than a lot of other women out there in similar situations who'd forgive and forget too easily.

All I will say is that my own sister was in a situation like this a few months back. She caught the guy texting other women, before long she had girls message her on Facebook telling her he was seen dating other women, and eventually she caught him in the act. She'd always make excuses for him though whenever he was caught out and believe his lies, until it got to the point he actually couldn't make any more lies to cover his tracks. He needed to be caught rappid before she ever let it sink in what he was doing.

Sad to say, she's still with him, and still trying to convince herself he's a decent person when he's not.

My point is, (from a man's perspective) that your fella only got upset when he realised he was caught, I can tell you now that any guy who chances his arm chatting someone up are usually doing it with the intentions of hooking up with that person, it's very seldom it's for the banter and I don't know of very many couples who are happy to have their other halves text a colleague flirtatiously. As a dude I can tell you he's seriously disrespecting you keeping in contact with her and chances are he had full intentions of hooking up with her if he felt that strong about her.

Personally I'd plead with you not to take him back. Let him continue chasing a woman he can't have, because the moment he started that he ran away from a woman who's obviously strong, smart and has self-respect. Don't let love drown logic with this, men think with their privates and I can guarantee you if the woman he was texting was even slightly interested in him you'd only be a guilty afterthought when he finishes hooking up with her. You've more respect for yourself than that, your better off without him.

starprincess

Piliger-I'm 26 and he's 27 and we've both had our "wild fling days" or so i thought--I don't know, its really interesting to hear all of the different perspectives-I guess it just shows exactly how confused my head is right now..

He has completely cut off any personal contact with her (apart from work) and has explained to her that they crossed the line etc..I 100% believe that he is committed to me, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he is killing himself right now that he may have lost me--That may sound naiive but when you know someone so well I don't think they can fake that..

He says he was only confused and guilty because he had never been that attracted to anyone since we were going out and it immediately made him feel guilty-I am the kind of person that like you said Piliger I believe it is human nature to like other people (I have had and will have plenty of crushes) but it is how you deal with them that is important. He says he didn't know how to deal with them and that yes he did enjoy the attention but he understands it was feeding her while being disrespectful to me..

I don't know-obviously there is nothing else on my mind right now-my days and nights are filled with replaying all of my thoughts..there is genuine love between us I know that for sure but I just don't know if it is enough that's all..

Again, so appreciate all the comments everyone x

Piliger

Hi OP .. You know the situation far better than any of us here. You made your decision and now you have to live with it. I wish you all the best. You said one very important thing when it comes to cohabiting and getting married ... Love is not enough. That is so so true.

Keep in mind that you have now ended it and he is free to pursue this other girl with absolute peace of mind. And I hope that, however it all pans out, you retain an awareness of your own fallibility when you set standards for your partners.

hondasam

starprincess wrote: »

Everyone-Thanks you so much for all your replies, both positive and negative..I agree with them all in some way I think..

Sat down and talked with him-basically asked him everything that has been said to me here so thank you for that! He realises he overstepped the mark and it is inappropriate and disrespectful to text her in that way. HE realises that he can have nothing more than a professional relationship with her now. He is devestated because he knows he has ruined things forever-it took along time to build up trust with me as I don't share it out too easily. This is the clincher for me..

Just broke it off with him and kicked him out of our house....Is it the right decision when it feels so so devestating? I'm trying so hard not to cry because once I start I know I won't be able to stop....IT seems like such a small reason but trust is everything to me....

You might not like what I'm going to say so sorry in advance.
How can you love him so much yet kick him out over something so trivial and in my book that is what it is.
Having close friends outside of your relationship is no harm, a bit of flirting is no harm either. IMO it keeps relationships alive.
I know most people will say get rid of him but life is never this simple and feeling and emotions don't just go away.

Piliger

hondasam wrote: »

You might not like what I'm going to say so sorry in advance.
How can you love him so much yet kick him out over something so trivial and in my book that is what it is.
Having close friends outside of your relationship is no harm, a bit of flirting is no harm either. IMO it keeps relationships alive.
I know most people will say get rid of him but life is never this simple and feeling and emotions don't just go away.

Unfortunately some people grow up demanding a kind of total devotion that only a few people in the world can deliver. They are completely intolerant of any kind of feelings their partner develops for anyone else and it generally condemns them to a fairly unhappy life. It develops in childhood and nothing can change it imho.

The OP's major mistake and the one which has sunk him is a lack of discretion. What people don't know doesn't hurt them and there is a lesson there for anyone who is in a relationship with one of those devotion-demanding people. Whatever you do, do NOT get caught, because they cannot cope with it. Even innocent friendly connections will be exaggerated and used against you.

chocolatrose

Piliger wrote: »

Unfortunately some people grow up demanding a kind of total devotion that only a few people in the world can deliver. They are completely intolerant of any kind of feelings their partner develops for anyone else and it generally condemns them to a fairly unhappy life. It develops in childhood and nothing can change it imho.

The OP's major mistake and the one which has sunk him is a lack of discretion. What people don't know doesn't hurt them and there is a lesson there for anyone who is in a relationship with one of those devotion-demanding people. Whatever you do, do NOT get caught, because they cannot cope with it. Even innocent friendly connections will be exaggerated and used against you.

Ah here...This was hardly innocent!!!

Being in a relationship with someone exclusively involves two people...not three.

Are you actually condoning hiding this sort of deceit from your partner??? Seriously???

starprincess

Yeah,,I'm confused now pillager-everything u said previously made slot of sense but now you're saying I cannot handle him not being totally devoted to me?? If u read my above comments I completely understand flirting,crushes etc we are human, but I feel that he overstepped the mark by feeding it more and more knowing he was confused about whether he liked her or just enjoyed the attention

Hondasam-i see where you're coming from completely but it is not as clear-cut as that..he is temporarily staying with friend until I can sort my head out and whether I can still be with him or not-I just can't have him around me right now because when I see him I just want to wrap my arms around him and feel ok again..I am devestated he is not here if u read my previous posts but it's something I feel I need to do

Everyone makes mistakes but I find it so difficult to trust people due to a previous bad relationship so it is not so easily built up again..I know from personal experience aswel that I have the cop on and decency to step back if flirting or whatever is clearly overstepping the mark and it's difficult to fathom why he didn't..

Piliger

starprincess wrote: »

Yeah,,I'm confused now pillager-everything u said previously made slot of sense but now you're saying I cannot handle him not being totally devoted to me?? If u read my above comments I completely understand flirting,crushes etc we are human, but I feel that he overstepped the mark by feeding it more and more knowing he was confused about whether he liked her or just enjoyed the attention

Hondasam-i see where you're coming from completely but it is not as clear-cut as that..he is temporarily staying with friend until I can sort my head out and whether I can still be with him or not-I just can't have him around me right now because when I see him I just want to wrap my arms around him and feel ok again..I am devestated he is not here if u read my previous posts but it's something I feel I need to do

Everyone makes mistakes but I find it so difficult to trust people due to a previous bad relationship so it is not so easily built up again..I know from personal experience aswel that I have the cop on and decency to step back if flirting or whatever is clearly overstepping the mark and it's difficult to fathom why he didn't..

You see above that it's so easy to attack (not you) what I have said because I am trying to get people to understand that people are not machines and cannot be expected to behave like machines. Entering a relationship doesn't throw a switch inside us that stops us feeling attraction to other people. It's what we do that matters and it seems to me, from the outside and having only part of the story, that this guys didn't actually do much ....

Your post above gives a lot of insight. You say you understand ... and ... say he was found it confusing ... yet you kicked him to the kerb. Then you admit that this is very much influenced by your previous experiences.

I don't condemn you! I just want people to realise that this is not really about him, or others who get those feelings. It's about you and your own vulnerabilities. That is not a condemnation! it is simply the way it is.

In life, we need to realise that we cannot reach out and have successful relationships until we look inside ourselves and sort ourselves out first. We cannot judge others until we realise and deal with our own insecurities. If we do, we always end up in messy and unhappy situations.

I do sympathise with you. If you are not happy then you have to do what you have to do. But please use this experience to learn. Because if we don't learn we just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I've been around the bloc quite a bit from the male perspective and I feel I've learned a lot, but even now I have more to learn.

On the bigger, wider picture ... I believe the real damage is done to us when we are young. This image of the perfect relationship, the perfect marriage, is implanted in our minds. The man who never looked at another women in 50 years. The women who was the same. Life just isn't like that. People are distracted, go through rough patches, make mistakes, make bad decisions. Too many wonderful wonderful relationships are tossed in the waste bin because one party is just too intolerant and too selfish to forgive their partner's weakness. I find it dreadfully sad.

hondasam

starprincess wrote: »

Hondasam-i see where you're coming from completely but it is not as clear-cut as that..he is temporarily staying with friend until I can sort my head out and whether I can still be with him or not-I just can't have him around me right now because when I see him I just want to wrap my arms around him and feel ok again..I am devestated he is not here if u read my previous posts but it's something I feel I need to do

Everyone makes mistakes but I find it so difficult to trust people due to a previous bad relationship so it is not so easily built up again..I know from personal experience aswel that I have the cop on and decency to step back if flirting or whatever is clearly overstepping the mark and it's difficult to fathom why he didn't..

I know you are devastated and most people would feel the same tbh.
You have trust issues and I assume he knows this so should have anticipated how you would react. From reading your other post I don't think you can forgive him.
It seems myself and Piliger have similar views on the subject, I find sometimes people just always go dump him, etc easier said than done when love is involved.

chocolatrose

Piliger wrote: »

Too many wonderful wonderful relationships are tossed in the waste bin because one party is just too intolerant and too selfish to forgive their partner's weakness. I find it dreadfully sad.

This I 110% agree on depending on the circumstances. People do make mistakes, no one is perfect, people can change.

I was not attacking you in my previous post but I strongly disagree with your view that what he did is just all part of a healthy relationship. It's just not. I don't think many people would be happy to sit back and have their partner express and share their feelings for another woman or man whatever the case may be. It is not acceptable in the eyes of many. You don't act on these feelings if you are committed to another person.

That being said. Starprincess, the best thing you can do is take that space for yourself to heal somewhat and gain some clarity about the whole situation. I definitely think he needs the space too to figure out his own head and realise the consequences of his actions. You can only follow your gut instinct and heart after that, only you know him best and yourself best. Maybe it will make ye stronger but you will have the best judgement about that.:)

starprincess

Thanks everyone-all entirely different views but helpful all the same..I have a lot of thinking to do and you're right chocolatrose I think he may too. The only thing I am certain is that the love is there..but in a way, letting go of that merely because of my own personal trust issues...that it what is devastating me most..I know it is his fault for starting this but I somehow feel like the one at fault due to the outcome oddly enough..can I please empty out my head and start all over again!!! :mad:

hondasam

starprincess wrote: »

Thanks everyone-all entirely different views but helpful all the same..I have a lot of thinking to do and you're right chocolatrose I think he may too. The only thing I am certain is that the love is there..but in a way, letting go of that merely because of my own personal trust issues...that it what is devastating me most..I know it is his fault for starting this but I somehow feel like the one at fault due to the outcome oddly enough..can I please empty out my head and start all over again!!! :mad:

you are not at fault and you can't help feeling the way you do. This is a big deal for you and the trust has been broken.
What does he think? how would he feel if it was you who did the same thing?

chocolatrose

starprincess wrote: »

Thanks everyone-all entirely different views but helpful all the same..I have a lot of thinking to do and you're right chocolatrose I think he may too. The only thing I am certain is that the love is there..but in a way, letting go of that merely because of my own personal trust issues...that it what is devastating me most..I know it is his fault for starting this but I somehow feel like the one at fault due to the outcome oddly enough..can I please empty out my head and start all over again!!! :mad:

Don't blame yourself. You are not at fault for feeling this way. Most girls would be heartbroken too if the person they loved was giving that sort of attention to some other woman other than them. You have to just focus on yourself right now and respect yourself. I really feel for you, please just take care of yourself in all of this. Nobody can tell you what the best thing is to do but yourself but only in your own good time.

NoobSaibot5

By the sounds of things your going to end up taking him back anyway, so I don't really see why you'd still need anyone elses's advice to be honest. By the sounds of it Starprincess your just making excuses for him now holding on to the fact that "there's love there", an arguement he obviously didn't consider when he developed feelings for someone else. He's playing on your insecurities in regards to trusting people and your letting him by thinking your in the wrong and that he still loves you. I'm sorry to sound like I'm on the attack but you seriously need to wake up here. Had that other woman felt the same for him your not guaranteed he wouldn't have left you for her at some point, no matter how much your protest, he fell for another woman when he was still with you. Falling for someone is a completely different experience than having a crush on them. You just sound like your in denial at this point in all honesty.

Just don't kick yourself too hard when it happens again and he's a lot more discreet about it.

Pa Dee

starprincess wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Just found out that my boyfriend of 3 years has been developing feelings for his work colleague for the last two months. Found out after seeing he sent her a series of drunken texts including that he wished she was there and missed her etc..
He cried when I confronted him and said he felt so guilty and would never ever act on it. Said he was more embarassed than anything esp as it was obvious she wasn't having any of it. Said he's confused and cannot get her out of his mind (whether its guilt or other reasons he doesn't know). But they text each other constantly in jokey flirty ways which makes me feel that he is not doing enough to stop it from developing further.

He has been completely honest with me, I know he loves me to death and I believe that he would never act on it. But somehow I feel really betrayed, I feel absolutely sick to my stomach and I don't know if I could hold him again without worrying that he is thinking about her.

He hasn't acted on anything and I know he won't-Am i acting way too overboard?? I am completely devastated that he could think of another girl in that way...:( I don't want to leave him but I feel I cannot stay with him either...

Would be interested to hear both male and female views-also please only helpful advice-no smart, mean comments-I'm feeling delicate enough as it is!

What an awful dog he is ! You were lucky to have found out before you had kids/got married. Consider yourself blessed

flyswatter

Obviously what he did was wrong, but why were you reading his texts in the first place?

zxcvbnm1

flyswatter wrote: »

Obviously what he did was wrong, but why were you reading his texts in the first place?

The usual pontificating.

I think the OPs problem is a bigger one.

starprincess

08-05-2012 11:05
flyswatter Obviously what he did was wrong, but why were you reading his texts in the first place?


flyswatter-I was in his inbox to send a text to another friend as my phone had died and her name was at the very top so I suppose out of curiosity I wanted to know why she had been texting him! I really don't think that is relevant and I never have been or want to be 'that' type of girlfriend.....