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Can't trust...because of my own past

  • 01-05-2012 6:24pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,012 ✭✭✭✭


    I've gone to write this a few times but backed out because I don't really know what I'm actually asking...half expecting a bollocking...probably deserve what I'm getting...

    Basically, I'm finding it hard to trust my girlfriend primarily, but not exclusively, because of my own past. I used to be that a***ole who would hit on other guys girlfriends and even married women - I just loved women, loved their company, loved the flirty banter, loved sex etc. I didn't do it to deliberately harm another relationship, I just loved being with different women but I wasn't naive, I knew what I was at...I knew it would damage their relationships.

    My problem is that more often than I'd like to admit I kissed and slept with some of these spoken for women (married women with kids too).

    As a result now that I've "settled down" and am not interested in that pursuit anymore I feel like I can't trust my girlfriend because sometimes I ended up sleeping with women who as far as I was concerned were 100% committed to their partners and my initial banter/flirtiness with them was just the way I was, I wasn't actually trying or expecting it to go anywhere. These women weren't extremely flirty or anything like that (some were though) - I think I'm just trying to put across that these women weren't (and I hate this word and use it only to convey the message - "slutty" - I apologies if this term is offensive - in fairness I am a "man slut" for my past...not something I'm proud of).

    Anyway, long story short, I can't settle in my relationship. I feel like for all I know my girlfriend is eventually going to be charmed by someone who was how I used to be - even though we are committed (though have had rough patches). I really want to settle and get into my relationship - do what's right but I'm constantly battling the thoughts that while she seems committed, lots of women I kissed and the few I slept with were also committed.

    Any advice on how I might sort myself out? For all the crap I caused others is this just the karma I deserve and it's only fair I don't get to settle into a relationship?


Comments

  • #2
    ihsb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    All anyone can say is to speak to her. If you have a relationship that you can talk about anything in then hopefully there won't be a problem. Losts of women are not like the women in your past and lots are. But hopefully you know your OK well enough to know that she isn't like that.

    Share your thoughts and fears with her. Let her know what is going on in your head. Hopefully this will stop it from becoming more of an issue in your relationship.


  • #3
    Piliger
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,741 ✭✭✭Piliger


    MyOwnPast - I can see where you are coming from. So now that you have changed ... you seem to want 100% loyalty from your girlfriend ?
    I hope I am not too blunt ... but ... Really ? Has she committed to marry you ? Why should you have 100% certainty ? None of us has 100% certainty. We are all human and are all subject to temptation. No one is immune no matter what they tell you.

    I think you should rethink what it is you demand of a partner. I suggest that your demand for 100% certainty is a reaction to your own frailties. You need to lower your demands to 'realistic'. She won't stray if you treat her right and if you make sure you are worthy of her. Then if she does ... well, she does and you move on.

    Life is not stroll in the park. There are no guarantees. Love is a crap shoot that we throw ourselves into hoping for the best. The more we put in the more we get out.


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