Can he change?

LegacyUser

Hi,

any help or advice would be appreciated. i Hve been going out witha guy for a year and a half. for the first year we livved in different countires so it was a long distance relationship. we saw each other every second wknd or soem times longer as his job has a offfice in Dublin he would work from for a couple of weeks at a time. First few months things were great the usual ups and down's of a realtionship. we would count the hours till were we together again. he once waited 13 hours in the airport due to a cancelled flight just to see me for the weekend

I then started to notice that he can be hot headed at times and lose his temper (punch walls doors he once slapped himself in frustration) and gets quite down at times. I would listen to him when he was down and suggest maybe talking to some one about it. His mother left his father and his siblings when he was a yeaf and half. they have had sporadic contacnt with her throughout the years but she is looked upon more as a neighbour than a mam (she had a affair, has since married some one else) my ex had a hard up bringing withhis dad and siblings and i think his issue stem from this.

He decided to move over here in Nov of last year. This is when thins got really bad. Arguements began, wich i accepted as normal as we were learning to live together. He spoke to me terribly, putting me down alot, undermining me, calling me selfish that i was leaving him out of things (at a family party i sat beside my mam and him. afterwards he said he felt left out when i was speaking with my mam).
He would go out with his new work mates and not come home on a friday night a few wknds in a row, prefereing to kip on some ones couch than pay taxi fare (he has a good job so money isnt a issue) During the 4 months we lived together my grandad died. The last couple of weeks of his life my whole family spent as much time as possible with him. The night my granada was buried he argued with me that i hugged everyone else after the mass, when people were offering there condolances, but not him. that i wasnt there for him. He also said that i pick and choose when i need him. he says when my family and freinds are around he feels put aside and left out. i tried include him in everything. even we out with his new work mates here but there was always a issue, he loves going out and socailising, one night in particular i wanted to leave early ( 1am) as we made plans the next day. he lost his temper and i could see he was raging inside. he shouted at me the whole way down dame street, that i was thinking about myself going home early and should make the effort with him and his new friends. i ended up getting a txi home alone and he rolled in some time after 5am and spent the next day in bed. I understand he had to make a life for himself here, but at times I felt like i wasnt even his girlfreind or friend we were fighting so much. every little thing would turn into a row.

we broke up two and a half months ago. he called it. he said he doesnt see a future for us together tha our difference in how we view reltaionships woulnt never fit.......i think i was hanging on to try find the balance in the relationship as 4 months living together is a short time (we have both lived with other partents before) and i kept thinking things would get better

that was two months ago now. i have sinced moved out. and cut contact with him.

now he wants to try again. start off fresh saying that it was the pressure of moving countries and living as a married couple. That we need to get the balance and foundations right within relationship. he said he has gone to a gp and is ready to start adressing his deppesion and anger issues. he knows and is sorry for how badly he treated me but would give anything for a second chance.
At first i told him no, he hurt me way to much and i couldnt go back there again. he said that he will wait for me as im the love of his life. He realises how badly it all went, that it is his fault and will do any thing to try again.

I know how badly he trated me and he has his issue to deal with. But i love him, I cant help it, I wish i didnt. but i wonder if he got help can he change? its all i can think about now.
my head is all over the place. I feel like im at a cross roads what to do. give him another chance or walk away?

daisybelle2008

You have a very low opinion of yourself and a low standard for whats normal in a relationship. I am not sure why you think this time is a 'second' chance for him. All those incidences of punching walls, name calling, verbal abuse and pressuring you about talking to your family were more than red flags, they are complete deal breakers for anyone who values themselves and has a standard for a good relationship. You gave him second, third, fourth and so on chances everytime you continued in the relationship after that. And he broke up with you!!!

Forget about him for a minute, seriously have a look at yourself and try to figure out why you put up with such a dysfunctional relationship and why in a million years you still think so little of yourself that you would consider for one second going back to him.

I would suggest you get counselling and try to figure out what is going on with you. The fact that you are considering taking him back means there is something seriously wrong with how you value your own happiness. You honestly have many big issues, as he does, that need to be addressed.

Btw you don't 'love' him. Nothing you described has anything to do with love. You are both very insecure, needy and are mistaking the 'security' of being in a relationship for 'love'. The problem is you will never control some enough to fill that lack of security from deep inside. Neither of you love yourselves enough to be in a relationship. The fact that either of you want to go back to that again, shows that ye are a long way off getting to love and know yourselves.

Your question can he change, cannot be answered. You need to look at how you can change yourself, to like yourself enough that the thought of spending 5 minutes with him turns your stomach.

ElleEm

If your friend wrote the post you wrote, what advice would you give her?

Your ex sounds like he has a lot of issues to deal with. He has been so rude, mean and demanding of you. He did not give you support during your grandad's passing, and the fact that he brought in HIS feelings at the time of the funeral shows how self centred he is. The sheer disrespect in shouting at you and calling you names is astounding.

To be honest, there is a pattern of his behaviour with you, and it'll take a long LONG time for this to change. If I was you, I would not take him back, and I think if a friend of yours was in this situation, you would tell her the same.

P. Breathnach

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

... I would suggest you get counselling and try to figure out what is going on with you....

I don't disagree with that.

But it looks to me as if the guy has greater issues to resolve, really big ones. He probably needs extensive intervention from a highly-skilled therapist, and getting him to the sort of place he should occupy would probably involve months of work.

Here is a challenge for OP to consider: if he does get things sorted, he will be a different person, probably more conventionally "nice". But he will be different, and he might no longer have the edge to him that I suspect that he now has.

daisybelle2008

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I don't disagree with that.

But it looks to me as if the guy has greater issues to resolve, really big ones. He probably needs extensive intervention from a highly-skilled therapist, and getting him to the sort of place he should occupy would probably involve months of work.

Here is a challenge for OP to consider: if he does get things sorted, he will be a different person, probably more conventionally "nice". But he will be different, and he might no longer have the edge to him that I suspect that he now has.

He probably does have the bigger issues. But she can only fix her own and she should leave him out of the equation at all costs while she does that. I believe that in dysfunctional relationships there are no victims only volunteers.
I think you are right about 'the edge' thing. Unfortunately there is something about his behaviour that she is attracted to (otherwise she would not put up with it). She needs to like herself enough that she does not want to tolerate a dysfunctional relationship for even one minute.

LegacyUser

Hi op here,

Thanks for the replies. When I was typing it out and looking at it in black and white it is apparent that he treated me appalling. The thing is when I met him, I had just come out of a long term relationship. 9 years, we were childhood sweethearts, bought a house and was engaged but it ended amicably becouse we just fell out of love with each other. I took the slpit bad tho as I moved out of the house I bought back to my parents and felt so low and lost as I just didn't know how to function on my own. I did go for counselling during this time to help me through it. I met my now ex during this time as I was vunerablei know, but for the first time in what felt like an age I was able to smile and laugh. I suppose I latched on to this relationship plus it was really exciting been in a long distance relationship.
I know I have my own issue and so does he. But I was still willing to put up with it, I wonder how can I love some one who treats me this way?

I'm lucky that I do have great freinds and family around me, but I guess I'm just do used to been in a relationship, I'm finding it difficult now. Plus he has been contacting me saying he will change, do anything, is so sorry and will wait for me incase I change my mind and want to try again. I have told him I'm too hurt now to contimplate anything and told him no contact deleted his number etc but he still has mine.

I suppose I just wanted something good to come out of it, that it was not all a waste. That if he got help he could tackle his issues and he does realize how badly he treated me.

If I was giving advice to my friend, I would tell her too try move on as he has alot of issues and things could possibly get worse.

I do disagree on one point. I do love him, I wish I didn't but I do. He had many sides to him. When things were good, life was exciting when he is around. He is funny, intelligent. He can be thoughtful,charming and is extremely attractive.

I'm 29 and feel like at a crossroads what to do.

P. Breathnach

You say you love him, and give as reasons for that love:

When things were good, life was exciting when he is around. He is funny, intelligent. He can be thoughtful,charming and is extremely attractive.

Do you also love the person that you report on thus?

He spoke to me terribly, putting me down alot, undermining me, calling me selfish that i was leaving him out of things (at a family party i sat beside my mam and him. afterwards he said he felt left out when i was speaking with my mam).
He would go out with his new work mates and not come home on a friday night a few wknds in a row, prefereing to kip on some ones couch than pay taxi fare (he has a good job so money isnt a issue) During the 4 months we lived together my grandad died. The last couple of weeks of his life my whole family spent as much time as possible with him. The night my granada was buried he argued with me that i hugged everyone else after the mass, when people were offering there condolances, but not him. that i wasnt there for him. He also said that i pick and choose when i need him. he says when my family and freinds are around he feels put aside and left out. i tried include him in everything. even we out with his new work mates here but there was always a issue, he loves going out and socailising, one night in particular i wanted to leave early ( 1am) as we made plans the next day. he lost his temper and i could see he was raging inside. he shouted at me the whole way down dame street, that i was thinking about myself going home early and should make the effort with him and his new friends. i ended up getting a txi home alone and he rolled in some time after 5am and spent the next day in bed.

It's the same person, and therein lies your problem. In a relationship, you get the whole person, not just the bits you like.

I tend to be sceptical of people's promises that they will change, and particularly sceptical when the things they promise to change seem to be deep-rooted in their psyche. It's imaginable that he might achieve the change you would need, but to my eye it looks unlikely that he can do it without substantial professional help.

I note what you say about being used to being in a relationship. I know people who are like that: when a relationship ends, another one starts almost immediately. That sort of thing worries me. You are a person, not half of a couple.

You don't have a good relationship at the moment. Maybe you should take advantage of that circumstance and concentrate on your own individuality.

LegacyUser

I have been/ am in a similar situation to yours in that I hit rock bottom, so far as how much abuse I could tolerate and split up with my bf.

I was given the reason depression and the medication to treat it as the reason for his behaviour and gave him/ us a second chance and we got back together, like what you are presently contemplating.

When I left him, so far as I was concerned I was in an abusive relationship with an abusive man. Having read various sites/ warning symptoms that you are in an unhealthy abusive relationship, it was all too familiar.

I love him though, and didnt want to be without him, felt/ feel sorry for him and dont want to abandon him, he has noone else. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. Sometimes though he reverts back to the 'carry on' and it could be over the stupidest thing and I still wonder- am I being played for a fool or is it genuine? Depression is the reason I am given for everything he does, always the excuse and I am slowly but surely being worn down by it.

Privately/ publicly humiliating the person you supposedly love is not right and its not on, whatever the reason and you need to draw a line- make a decision at what point enough is enough and the damage it is causing to YOU is too much.

Each time he does something that he knows is a 'deal breaker' for us as a couple, and I accept the reason/ apology for it, I feel I am giving him even more power, control. 'It doesnt matter what he did/ its not his fault/ he cant help it'

At this stage though I have had enough- It is taking too heavy a toll on me and I MATTER TOO, ITS NOT ALL ABOUT HIM AND HIS NEEDS/ WANTS.

Did I do the right thing or did I make a mistake? The jury is still out on that one for me, and it has been very hard and I suspect it always will be.

I cant reasonably advise you one way or the other on this one, only give my own experience which may or may not be similar to yours- but I will say you better think very long and very hard on this one.

Piliger

canhechange2012 - Guys don't change. Girls don't change. You have a full life ahead of you ... do you rally want to live like this ? Do you rally ? The world is full of terrific guys who don't have this problem. I suggest you move on and discover that new world.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here


thanks to all your replies and advice. I have taken the time to have a good look at myself and the relationship. I now realise and spose i have always known but been in denail, that he would change. I hoped he would, wished he would but hoping and wishing never gets you anywere. This morning I decided to get draw a line underneath this chapter of my life and move on. take the time for me and get to know myself. I fear that if the relationship had if continued It probably would of eneded up physically abusive. I need to time to figure out me and how I wound up in that situation.
but then he text me a private joke we shared a xmas together........a series of message were exchanged and he rang me, i asked why he sent that now after everything?? During the call began to start twisting things and turning it on me!?! he screamed down the phone at me and called me a cnut.......

needless to say it was all the proof i needed to know i had made the right decision earlier. good bloody riddance.


Again thank you for your replys

Piliger

OP - Good LUCK ! This is a seminal day for you in your life. A major decision and you made it. AND you were right. Remember that. This will empower you to be decisive the next time you have to make a tough decision in your life, and you will learn to trust your instinct and act on it. Bloody well done.