Bulimia, tired of trying

LegacyUser

I'm 30, been bulimic since I was 22. I've been to about 10 different counsellors/psychotherapists/Neuro Linguistic Programmers/Hypnotists etc

I believe that I REALLY WANT to get better but I've lost faith in any sort of counselling or therapy programmes as all they seem to do is try and uncover some drastic event that happened as a child or some weird reason for your problem and I genuinely don't believe I have that.

I was over weight as a teenager and miserable, I went on a diet, and got carried away and ended up being bulimic.

It's now turned in to how I exist, I spend about €50 a day on food - my parents are forced to pay my rent/phone bill/bills etc because when I get the urge I just can't fight it. I feel bad, they are old age pensioners and my illness is ruining their future and they are really good people. I've asked them to stop and take away my safety net but they can't see me in trouble. I literally feel so helpless and I can't motivate myself to go to therapy because that is wasting more money.

I've also tried group therapy but I just felt like everyone else had worked out their reason for being there and the cause of their illness I was just bulimic for the sake of it so I didn't speak and left feeling worse than when I went in.

I honestly don't know how to shake it

Princess Peach

Have you ever been treated as an in patient in a clinic? I know a couple of girls who have had stays in St Patricks in Dublin, and one other hospital in Dublin, can't remember the name now, but it has an excellent program for eating disorders. I'm sure one of your past counsellors can recommend you a place if your illness is this bad.

JuliusCaesar

Bodywhys has lots of information on therapy, support, treatment options etc. St Vincent's Elm Park Hospital has eating disorder specialists and there are also a couple of private hospitals which provide similar services around the country. Bodywhys would be able to tell you about them, and other free services too.

skinnygeness

oh dear I feel your pain.
I had exactly the same problem it seemed I tried everything but just didn't work. The truth, as I later found out, was that I was not able to let go of my old ways. As much as I complained that I was sick of it, that I didn't want to live like that anymore I still went on and on and I blamed everything I tried for not working for me.
The worst part for me was to accept that I was going to put on weight if I stopped being bulimic. I thought I was going to get fat.
(I didn't get fat, I put on weight but now I am completely stabilized on this weight and I am - most times - comfortable with it.)
Ok, I won't lie to you, that was the worst part, accepting that purging did not follow suit with binging. I had to let that one go first. The binging eventually stopped, and now I feel normal and healthy. But you need to accept yourself, it sound sooooo easy I know.
It will be at some stage, I promise. You'll get better but you need to let go. Forget dieting, forget everything. I'll never be able to diet again, damn, I'm not able to go to the gym without going into crazy-burn-calories mode.
It takes time and patience with yourself.
I wish you all the very best xxxxx

beks101

I agree with Skinnygeness.

There's no magic pill, perfect counsellor or ideal programme that will pull you through this. 90% of the work will come from inside of you; the external support is merely a vehicle to facilitate that.

Things didn't start to change for me in any big way until I started to think about the 'benefits' of my eating disorder and how they were serving me. That's the part you never think about; right now you think you're so miserable that you'd do literally anything to be 'normal', ED-free...but the fact is you've been engaged in these thoughts and behaviours for so long for a very good reason.

They've likely become a coping mechanism for you, something that shields you from the rest of the world and allows you to distract yourself from other stresses and concerns and in a sense, 'cop out' from life's responsibilities. Also, at the risk of sounding like Dr Phil - food can be a very good friend and a constant companion like no other. No matter how stressful your day has been, you've always got the binges and purges to come home to at the end of the day, right? Take away the binges/purges and you're left with some very scary and unsettling feelings that you've spent your life avoiding and you don't know how to deal with.

These are the things you need to think about. How these behaviours serve you and how you can replace them with healthier ones. Sounds so easy I know :rolleyes: It can be a life-long endeavour. It's the basis of cognitive behaviour therapy - definitely worth looking into.

It's also worth remembering that even though your ED might not be rooted in some deep childhood trauma, your past is still the place you need to take a good, hard look at to figure out why this pattern of behaviour developed in the first place, so that's why you'll find counsellors tend to dig around there as part of your therapy.

Another fundamental part of the equation is your thought patterns. You can't expect any part of yourself to change without evaluating your warped perceptions around weight, dieting and body image.

I was always on a diet. Self-acceptance was a foreign concept to me and so dieting was the only option I felt I had; and yet it was the dieting that propogated my destructive behaviours. I couldn't eat without guilt, I couldn't look sideways at a chocolate bar without the bingeing being triggered, I couldn't skip the gym without acute anxiety, I counted calories incessantly, I weighed myself twice a day. ALL of that had to change. And letting go of it has been a massive source of grief for me - it's like giving up a 'control' that has become completely comfortable for you. You give them up and end up over-anxious and depressed, you suffer panic attacks, you feel empty and scared and like you can't survive without this 'shield'

So that's what the face of recovery looks like. It's a lot of pain, a lot of stress, a lot of discomfort, and a lot of time spent in hell.

I know you're tired, frustrated, depressed, angry, exasperated and losing hope every day that you wake up and vow to change and still end up purging. You'll be all of those things and more if you choose to get better. This will be the struggle of your life and every forward step you take will be counter-acted by two steps back.

But that's the process and that is what it takes. By blaming and criticising the people who are trying to help you, you are only hurting yourself and making it harder to recover. You really have to go into this with an open mind, willing to talk about things you've never talked about before, willing to see things from a different angle; willing to accept that you are wrong, in many, many ways.

The best of luck to you. There is a way out. I hope you find it.

LegacyUser

Dear OP, I really feel for you.

I was bulimic in my early to mid 20s and thought I would never overcome the habit of making myself sick several times a day. It can feel like an endless hunt for a counsellor who you 'click' with. I did benefit in the end from two things.

I tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT which as you may know focuses on the negative behaviour patterns and not your dark and distant past. While I'm sure there were issues that led to my eating disorder, what worked in the end was reorganising my thoughts to improve my quality of life. I began to see (with a lot of hard work) that I was bigger than my behaviours, I was in control of them and that it would have to be me who pulled the trigger on bingeing and purging.

The second thing that helped was treating my pre-existing depression (something that so many eating disorder suffers have). While I know SSRIs don't work for everyone, when I went on them it meant that vomiting my food would likely counteract whatever positive effect the (rather expensive) pills were having. So, in a sense, i had a very good reason NOT to purge, even if I had binged. This is **not** an advertisement for SSRIs but rather advice to try as hard as you can to put the idea of getting out of this behaviour cycle at the top of your list. The lessening of my depression because of overall treatment helped me to stay stable enough not to fall back into old habits.

Ignore the voices that tell you that you are somehow not worthy of recovery. Your parents obviously love you and having that support is priceless. Ask for help with this if you need to (and you should). Life has so much to offer you while you are still so young. Bulimia rots away everything good about it, straining you mentally as well as physically. The physical and mental exhaustion I will never forget (but I don't need to tell you about that).

It's likely that you will fall off the wagon a couple of times as I did. It's important not to beat yourself up too much about that, it's a rocky road and you can't be perfect. I purged a couple of times during two years after recovery, usually during very low times as a way to cope, and I resolved to brush myself off and got back on the wagon. Over the course of two years I went from being somebody who would vomit after every meal to somebody who never even considers it.

beks101

laksdfja wrote: »

Dear OP, I really feel for you.

I was bulimic in my early to mid 20s and thought I would never overcome the habit of making myself sick several times a day. It can feel like an endless hunt for a counsellor who you 'click' with. I did benefit in the end from two things.

I tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT which as you may know focuses on the negative behaviour patterns and not your dark and distant past. While I'm sure there were issues that led to my eating disorder, what worked in the end was reorganising my thoughts to improve my quality of life. I began to see (with a lot of hard work) that I was bigger than my behaviours, I was in control of them and that it would have to be me who pulled the trigger on bingeing and purging.

The second thing that helped was treating my pre-existing depression (something that so many eating disorder suffers have). While I know SSRIs don't work for everyone, when I went on them it meant that vomiting my food would likely counteract whatever positive effect the (rather expensive) pills were having. So, in a sense, i had a very good reason NOT to purge, even if I had binged. This is **not** an advertisement for SSRIs but rather advice to try as hard as you can to put the idea of getting out of this behaviour cycle at the top of your list. The lessening of my depression because of overall treatment helped me to stay stable enough not to fall back into old habits.

Ignore the voices that tell you that you are somehow not worthy of recovery. Your parents obviously love you and having that support is priceless. Ask for help with this if you need to (and you should). Life has so much to offer you while you are still so young. Bulimia rots away everything good about it, straining you mentally as well as physically. The physical and mental exhaustion I will never forget (but I don't need to tell you about that).

It's likely that you will fall off the wagon a couple of times as I did. It's important not to beat yourself up too much about that, it's a rocky road and you can't be perfect. I purged a couple of times during two years after recovery, usually during very low times as a way to cope, and I resolved to brush myself off and got back on the wagon. Over the course of two years I went from being somebody who would vomit after every meal to somebody who never even considers it.

Just want to +1 this entire post. Fantastic advice.

And just to re-iterate again: it is 100% possible to recover from this and live a normal, happy life. It is possible to enjoy a happy healthy relationship with food and not live in fear of it. It will be the biggest and toughest and scariest thing you ever do, but it will make you stronger and more confident in yourself than you ever knew was possible. It will make you so proud of who you are.

Don't give up on yourself. Make your recovery the number one priority in your life. Try, try again and when you fail, treat yourself with compassion, the way you would a good friend who's going through a hard time.

And talk about your eating disorder and experiences as much as possible. That's what pulled me out of the dark. Eating disorders are shrouded in so much secrecy, that really is the oxygen that allows them to thrive. Remove the shame and verbalise or write about what you're going through: that's how you will begin to own your disorder instead of it owning you. There are countless online support forums, or resources like Bodywhys which can point you in the direction of group therapy meet-ups.

2012 could be your year to change things for yourself. Vow to make that the case. Do some online research, look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, seek out a strong counsellor, look for recommendations and do some initial sessions to suss out whether or not they're suited to you before you commit to any programme.

You can do it. It will be the best thing that you ever do with your life and it will be worth every inch of struggle that you have to endure, I promise you that x

neuro-praxis

Complete freedom is possible. Try these guys, they specialize in freedom, and are all recovered themselves. http://www.marinotherapycentre.com/

pushki

i have to + 1 all the advice been given here.
I have like you an eating disorder for more then ten years. I know the feeling of wanting to be better be 'normal' but also the fear that goes with giving up control.
I have been treated countless times for my ed , in-patient , out-patient psychotherapy, everything you name it. I found that in the end it has to come from the very core of you to actually want to live without your crutch.
You can go get the best treatment in the world but only you can ultimatelyu decide if you want to live like this.
Eating disorders do not disappear suddenly it takes time to get on top of them. I would in no way feel that i have beaten my ed but i believe i am managing it at the moment . Take each day as it comes, try and look after your physical emotional and psychological self as best you can and really take time to think about how you want to liv.e your life.

I know you may not feel it now but there is but there is a life out there it is only waiting for you to join in ;-)

LegacyUser

Hello there op, thanks for sharing your problem with us. I too am bulimic, and have been for the past two years. It is something which has consumed my thoughts and life so much that most of the time i feel like i am not living, only merely existing.. i also am nowhere near being thin which like you is the reason i became bulimic in the first place. I start every day with the best of intentions and then something snaps and it takes a hold of me. During periods, it gets so bad that my body literally gives up and cannot make itself sick. I feel i am RUINING my body, tearing it apart with what i now see as a form of self harm. Those feelings of worthlessness, GUILT, shame, an sheer disgust at what i do daily dont leave me and trickle into all aspects of my life, work, reationship. But i am in secret, you seem to have the support of your family?? maybe if you sit them down and tell them that if do not give you the hard love you need, as in not providing the food etc only square meals, along with the support of a trained Eating Disorder Counsellor.. maybe this could help.

One thing i know is that YOU have to be the driving force in your life. I know you can do it, I know i can do it too. The very best of luck, my heart goes out to you x