Should I be annoyed?!

confusedman

Ive been with girlfriend for about 2 months, and pride myself on being a person who rarely gets jealous and presents a fairly confident impression of myself and in terms of being within a realationshio, for example if my girlfriend were out and a boy was chatting her up, i would just ignore it and smile. But recently after just seeing it pop up on her facebook and asking my girlfriend (she didnt tell me out of the blue), she told me she had gone for 'coffee' with an ex from home over the uni easter break (i live far away) and hadnt told me at that time, because we had just been through an early rough spell of arguing a lot (during which i tried to break it off but took her back all in one night.) and didnt want me to read anything bad into it, She made out before out as if basically the guy is the cliche '****ty ex' who treated badly by cheating on her 3 times and just before she left for uni about 6 months ago, apparantly just one day cut her out and stopped contacting her (he started texting and added her back on facebook about a month ago) and she only got over him around xmas time. I dont really know tbh, hence the post, part, if not most of me geniuelally doesnt care whatsoever, but it niggles me slightly the idea of her confiding in him about how 'mean' i have been. hmmmmmm any help welcome

Wompa1

I'd cut her loose. Sounds like she's not over her ex. Who meets up with their ex that completely cut them out of their life and also apparently cheated on them 3 times.

confusedman

yeah i know that seems that obvious conclusion. but the strange thing is, without an overly long explantion, i can tell the girl does really really like me, and i know she wouldnt get back with him or cheat one me ever. I cant explain it but its almost like she likes talking to other boys for the sake of it whom i know have obvious intentions but she has no intention of doing anything wrong. Which is annoying because i cant really moan or call her up because i dont know what shes specifically doing wrong. But still i just cant think why she met up with him.

Wompa1

confusedman wrote: »

yeah i know that seems that obvious conclusion. but the strange thing is, without an overly long explantion, i can tell the girl does really really like me, and i know she wouldnt get back with him or cheat one me ever. I cant explain it but its almost like she likes talking to other boys for the sake of it whom i know have obvious intentions but she has no intention of doing anything wrong. Which is annoying because i cant really moan or call her up because i dont know what shes specifically doing wrong. But still i just cant think why she met up with him.

Well, if that's the worst thing in your relationship than consider yourself lucky I guess. You are saying she wouldn't cheat on you and just see's this guy as a friend. If that's true and it's not a case you don't trust her then it's you that has the problem and you've just got to work on putting it out of your head.

Have you tried to talking to her and saying you know she won't do anything but it just kind of gets to you that she'd entertain guys who have obviously less than innocent intentions

confusedman

I really don't know, i messaged her saying pretty much exactly what you said (before i read it coincidently) saying who would meet up with their ex after being cut off and cheated on, il post reply if it will provide you with insight. I dont really mind the other boys, she would say they were pals (as most of her pals are boys). The thing i didnt say before that most annoys me is by through reading through messages (dont judge me) is her telling different people including boys, about our relationship when it was bad, "sometimes he just acts like he doesnt care" and "i dont want to get hurt" etc etc, almost always to a reply of 'you deserve beter'

Wompa1

confusedman wrote: »

I really don't know, i messaged her saying pretty much exactly what you said (before i read it coincidently) saying who would meet up with their ex after being cut off and cheated on, il post reply if it will provide you with insight. I dont really mind the other boys, she would say they were pals (as most of her pals are boys). The thing i didnt say before that most annoys me is by through reading through messages (dont judge me) is her telling different people including boys, about our relationship when it was bad, "sometimes he just acts like he doesnt care" and "i dont want to get hurt" etc etc, almost always to a reply of 'you deserve beter'

Seeing as though you don't want to be judged I won't point out how wrong that is. I've been cheated on and had my heart broken but I never and never will resort to invading a partner privacy. I'm closer to being on your girlfriends end right now. My girlfriend checks whatever I do online, It wouldn't suprise me if she also checked through my phone. I have nothing to hide and because I got cheated on, I've been cutting her a lot of slack on it. Part of me thinks enough is enough, she doesn't trust me so why the hell should I bother trying anymore.

Becareful that you don't get to the point you push her away. Honestly, you say you trust her but you looked through her texts so you don't really! Also the I don't want to get hurt is a bit worrying...I''m not sure why I read it this way but I think her saying that to other guys is like her saying, I'm sizing up my options right now, come make some advances so I know your a good backup plan.

But then maybe I'm a bit too cynical.

confusedman

hmmmm i sort of get what your saying. It was more of a case that she left it on and i oversaw it as it were. but to me that isnt too important. I know she wouldnt physically cheat on me, im far too attractive and she clearly likes me which elimates 99% of why people cheat. It annoys me that in a sense she emotional cheats on me to validate herself through others. She doesnt say 'worreid about getting hurt' to give someone a cue to crack on her, she does it say so they say, 'no you desrve better' and 'hes a really lucky guy' because that is a form of attention.

Wompa1

confusedman wrote: »

hmmmm i sort of get what your saying. It was more of a case that she left it on and i oversaw it as it were. but to me that isnt too important. I know she wouldnt physically cheat on me, im far too attractive and she clearly likes me which elimates 99% of why people cheat. It annoys me that in a sense she emotional cheats on me to validate herself through others. She doesnt say 'worreid about getting hurt' to give someone a cue to crack on her, she does it say so they say, 'no you desrve better' and 'hes a really lucky guy' because that is a form of attention.

You will get slated for saying you are far too attractive!! Also I'll get slated for this...but you know a girl can easily upgrade any guy for a better looking guy....looks aren't enough to keep a woman interested long term.

By the sounds of things now I'd say you need to back off a bit with her. Maybe going down the route of questioning why she'd hang out with that guy is the wrong idea. Why not ask her why she feels like she can't talk to you rather than her ex....

ihsb

On the checking the phone thing, do you check because you get gut feelings that she is hiding something?

And when you check you always find something? If this is the case then I am afraid to say that you should end it. The trust is gone and unless she is willing to work with you to rebuild it then it will never work.

jellygems

im going to give u a womans view on it if i may

u said her ex disappeared from her life suddenly, she prob felt she wanted an explantion from him. or had unfinished business not in the romance sense

i broke up with my ex a year ago now nearly and havent spoke to him since then but i can tell ya this if he wanted to meet me for a coffee i sure as hell would go not because i want him cos i have things to say to him that i never got to say when i broke up with him

so it isnt always cut and dry and besides imo i dont feel she needed to tell u she met him, its her business.... shes not cheating so i dont feel u have anything to worry about

Herrick

To be honest it would annoy me too OP. I don't think you could put her meeting the ex down as looking for closure, seeing as she has been messaging him as well. I'd worry that she isn't over him. Who on Earth would entertain someone that treated them like that.

I'd find it very annoying and disrespectful that she's telling the ex (and other guys) about any little relationship problems you have. Telling him "how mean you were" Does she even remember who she's talking to?

I'd be having serious words with her if I were you. She sounds she has no cop on at all, what age are you both if you don't mind me asking? I'm guessing late teens?

chocolatrose

Seriously there is something wrong if she needs to tell an ex (especially an ex whom she claims treated her like s**t anyway and cheated on her) about your relationship and arguments that ye have. That is personal between you and her. If she has concerns or worries it should be you she should be speaking to, not other men. I'm a female and never in a million years would do that.

Going for a coffee with an ex may be harmless and if you trust her shouldn't be a problem but when you know she is confiding in them like that, that to be honest is an abuse of trust really. Maybe she is naive though, who knows. That might explain it.

Also, ye are going out two months and you are checking her messages??? If I trust someone I wouldn't have any interest in checking their messages because I know I wouldn't find anything. I wouldn't even feel the need to do it out of curiosity. What's the point, that's their business. Obviously she has given you a reason for you not to trust her for you to be doing this.

Also, being really attractive won't stop anyone from being cheated on. That's not a protection.

skinnygeness

ya sounds to me like she has a case of attention seeking, but for some reason though I also get the feeling you're not particularly into her. Maybe it's just a feeling but it seems here than rather being upset cause you really like her, it's more a case of hurt pride for you? Or am I completely wrong?

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, this mightn't be what you want to hear.

You're together 2 months. You pride yourself on "presenting an impression" you're not bothered or jealous by other fellas chatting her up? ARE you jealous, and letting on to her that you're not, or are you really not jealous and you just worded that badly?

Either way, it's your last line that interests me most

confusedman wrote: »

but it niggles me slightly the idea of her confiding in him about how 'mean' i have been. hmmmmmm any help welcome

You are together 2 months? How "mean" can you possibly be to her? What do you think you have done that would lead her to give out about you? Surely at 2 months you're both still in the "getting to know you" phase and being extra nice and polite to each other??

Is she right or wrong in the things she says about you being mean?

If you are "mean" enough to her that leads to her giving out about you to others then it doesn't really matter how attractive you are... you're not going to last. Especially if she has other fellas lining up telling her she deserves better.

On the other hand she may be a complete fantasist who makes up dramas to get attention from other males.

hightower1

IMO meeting up with an ex is a dumpable offence tbh. Be it the boyfirend or girlfriend its all the same, the reasons or alt motives dont change depending on gender. Its straight out disrespect, she clearly prioritiesd meeting her ex over respecting your emotions.

Rotten morals....dump her I say.

Esoteric_

I don't personally see any problem in meeting up with an ex. One of my exes, the one I had the best relationship with, is my best friend and it works fine, no feelings on either side anymore. We just didn't meet up at all until we were both sure that all the feelings had gone away and that a friendship was possible. We have a fantastic friendship and I'd honestly dump someone if they told me I couldn't see the guy who is now my best friend.

That said, after two months she's talking to her ex about you apparently treating her badly? If you ARE treating her badly, then you guys shouldn't be together because 2 months in, you should be in the honeymoon period and be stupidly happy still. If you're not fighting and if you're not treating her badly, then you should be getting rid of her for bad mouthing you to her ex.

Staying friends with an ex is one thing, but badmouthing your boyfriend to them is a big no no.

Piliger

So you are dating two months, and already you expect her to cut herself off from her ex's and other relationships ? It seems you have a major control issue to deal with, OP, and maybe this is what she is discussing with her ex. :rolleyes:

AhInFairness

confusedman wrote: »

hmmmm i sort of get what your saying. It was more of a case that she left it on and i oversaw it as it were. but to me that isnt too important.

Why is that not important to you? You invaded her privacy and clearly don't trust her. After 2 months that seems like bizarre behaviour on your part.

confusedman wrote: »

I know she wouldnt physically cheat on me, im far too attractive and she clearly likes me which elimates 99% of why people cheat.

I'm not going to slate you for thinking you are attractive. I do however think you are being extremely naive if you think that being attractive means you are never going to be cheated on. If you are reading through her messages and being "mean" to her as she has claimed, this will have a bearing on how she behaves. If she had any sense she would just end the relationship but some people prefer to go down the cheating road.

confusedman wrote: »

It annoys me that in a sense she emotional cheats on me to validate herself through others. She doesnt say 'worreid about getting hurt' to give someone a cue to crack on her, she does it say so they say, 'no you desrve better' and 'hes a really lucky guy' because that is a form of attention.

I don't see how she emotionally cheated. She met up with her ex; hardly a crime. The fact that he treated her like shít is irrelevant. She's an adult so she can meet whoever she likes and she most certianly doesn't need your permission. What would be far more worrying to me is the fact that she met him during the Easter break and you had been arguing before that. So basically you were only together a few weeks when you had this "early rough spell of arguing a lot". I'm sorry OP but there is so much wrong with that.

As another poster said, your behaviour sounds very controlling and you seem to have very little regard for her feelings and privacy. If you feel that her messaging what I assume are friends of hers, about you being "mean" to her (and to be honest, you don't really come across as a sweet, loving guy who is being unfairly labeled by his girlfriend) is something you can't tolerate then end the relationship. To have this many issues so, so early in the relationship should be setting alarm bells ringing. It sounds like neither of you are particularly ready for a proper relationship.