He cheated, but not on me

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I have been seeing a guy for 9 months now. When we first got together, he had just broken up with a long term ex girlfriend. He ended it with her, and said it had been over for quite some time realistically. We took things slowly as I wasnt too long after a relationship either,

However, I found out recently through a friend that he cheated on his ex girlfriend - got another girl into bed, the girlfriend found out and she ended it with him. Not what he told me.

I wish I never found out. It didnt happen to me. However it's made me think very differently of him and now I am wondering if he is just with me because he cant be with her anymore and she wont take him back - it might be nice for him to have someone when he cant have her, fill the gap so to say.

What do you guys think of this situation? I feel like I cant get past thinking this in my head. I have voiced concern before about the possibility it's a rebound and he has reassured me it wasnt - but this was when he told me his last relationship had been over al ong time before "he ended it".

He is nice to me in every other way and I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him. But I'd prefer to end it now if its going to hurt me in the end!!

Thank you so much.

Idle Passerby

Maybe he cheated because the relationship had already gone stale and thats what he means in a roundabout way by saying he ended it after it had been long over.

Your not going to know unless you talk to him about it.

leeroybrown

There are two sides to ever story and multiple versions of those once friends get involved. Both versions of the story you've heard could even be untrue. You'll have to talk to him about it and decide if you accept his version of events or not.

Herrick

I'd be worried that he says in his head, the relationship was over, but yet had no problem carrying on the relationship and instead hopped into bed with another woman.

Whether it was over in his mind or not, it's no excuse for cheating. He could have ended it, but he chose to cheat instead. That would raise a red flag for me.

judgefudge

I dated a guy before who I knew had cheated on his ex. I'd be quite worried about why this guy is hiding it from you? It may not necessarily be something that should impact on your relationship but it's weird that he would lie about it. I wouldn't trust that.

The guy I dated had a list of reasons as long as his arm for why he had cheated on his ex. Had me convinced it wasn't his fault. Lo and behold 3 years later I discover he cheated on me a number of times.

That's just my experience though. I don't necessarily think 'Once a cheater always a cheater' but I would be wary about someone who covers up their bad behaviour and makes excuses for it rather than owning up and showing true remorse.

I hope that helps at all...

AskJives

unreggiereggie wrote: »

He is nice to me in every other way and I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him. But I'd prefer to end it now if its going to hurt me in the end!!

Thank you so much.

Sadly op, Alot of people in this world never ever admit to being 'the bad guy' in situations. In relation to your situation tho I have first hand seen so many examples of a person talking about their ex's stating they did this, that and the other. While I later learned all was fabrication. They were the ones at fault.

You say you are with him 9 months. Shortly after he ended with his ex. So time line means its roughly been a year since he did what he did, right? Sure a person can change in a year. Most dont tho. Takes longer.

My 2 cents:
I'd dump him. I wouldnt take that risk. 9 months is nothing. If you said 3 years? different story. 9 months isnt enough time to get to know someone. Besides logic is screaming on this one. He was with his ex a certain amount of time, cheated on her and it ends, time-frame was too soon to seemingly be ready to get into another relationship... Could we really put it past him cheating on you in the 2nd or 3rd month? Let alone some time in the future?

ihsb

It is not the fact that he cheated on his ex that would bother me too much. It would be the fact that he lied and covered it up. You need to talk to him and if he doesn't start getting honest soon then you know what to do.

BraziliaNZ

If he hasn't cheated on you I don't see the problem. Some people would worry and freak out on hearing their partner has cheated before so I don't blame him for panicking and telling you otherwise.
I had a girlfriend once and we were very close and in love and all that and she told me that she had cheated on the last few guys she went out with but I didn't really care as I knew I could trust her. She only told me because she was sure about wanting to be with me. Awww how sweet.
But seriously you shouldn't judge anyone on his past, but if it's that big a deal for you maybe skidaddle.

chocolatrose

Hi Op,

Is it the thought that you might be a rebound for him from his previous relationship or the fact that you are worried that he may fall into the category ""once a cheater always a cheater" that is bothering you the most???

To be honest you being a rebound from his last relationship shouldn't be the real worry here. It is really his character that should be questioned in this case.

First off, have you even talked to him about this yet? You really need to sit down and talk to him about it before you can really know what to do. It might give you the clarity you need to see whether it is worth considering continuing the relationship from your point of view.

I would seriously question someone's character if they had the capability of cheating on any of their ex's. If he was having problems in his previous relationship he should have had the decency and respect to end the relationship with her in a dignified manner instead of doing the dirt on her. It's just not justifiable whatever the circumstances. He should have had enough self respect for himself and respect for her to do the decent thing.

I really feel for you as you must be putting yourself through a lot of anguish over this. It's worrying that he couldn't have been upfront and honest with you about the previous breakup but maybe it is the case that he didn't want to undermine the relationship with you now by bringing up past relationship difficulties. The only way you will really know how he feels is by broaching the subject with him.

It's a pity this friend didn't tell you this before now. It's none of their business but if she was going to tell you anyway why wasn't it said to you before now???

Little Miss Lady

Hi Op

I will take another perspective on this.
Did it not cross your mind that he didn't tell you he cheated as he could be embarrassed by it??
It's not really something you tell someone starting off in a relationship is it?
The part that he said he ended it could be that he's proud and doesn't want to have to explain to you then that he cheated.

I think you should stop analysing things and just go with your gut.
If you trust him then go with it, if you don't or have any doubts then end it.
It's not that complicated.
Good luck.

blatantrereg

Sounds like he might have decided to equate cheating with "ending it with her" when he was telling you.

Maybe he did do it as a way to break up with her. It's a pretty brutal way to break up with someone though.

ando

Sry but once a cheater, always a cheater in my mind. I didnt believe this in the past but with life comes hard lessons. Cheaters have it in their blood and will always have it there. If they are in a relationship that is starting to fault, the temptation will rear it's ugly head fast with these kind of ppl. They are bad seeds and best kept clear of. They may convince u that they are different now, they may have convinced themselves, but it's in their blood... All it takes is a bit of boredom or a lull in the relationship for that side of them to reappear. I have learnt from experience to stay well clear

LegacyUser

I used to cheat on ex's and stopped ten years ago and have neversinve and intend never to again because I have matured and learnedhow nasty it is.

You do need to talk to him about it though or it will fester

Katgurl

I cheated on my LT ex and we broke up. In subsequent relationships when boyfriends asked if I'd ever cheated I said yes and was 100% honest. This resulted in them being insecure, worried I'd stray again (I never would) and suspicious. It was all unnecessary worry for them. When my next boyfriend asks I intend to lie to save him the worry, (unless he is a very unusual person that I believe will be able to accept that I've changed and grown up since then).

Perhaps your boyfriend just did not want to worry you or to have to drag the baggage from the last relationship into this one. Perhaps he's not proud of it and wants to forget about it.

But you know, I firmly believe - and I know i'm going to get slated for this - what happened in the past is their business. If your relationship is good that's all you should be concerning yourself with.

Neyite

I cheated on an ex once. The relationship was on its knees, but I was very embarrassed and disgusted at myself afterwards. Only the guy I cheated with and a friend who saw us together ever knew. That was back in the late 90's.

I've never done it since and never would. It was a mistake I learned from, but never told the next or subsequent boyfriends what I did.

unless you see evidence of him cheating on you, then I dont think he should be judged. We all make mistakes, and once we are sorry, should be allowed to move on from them having learned from them.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, OP here

I am not blaming my friend for telling me at this stage. She only just found out herself as the incident is not public knowledge. It just so happens that my boyfriends ex girlfriend and I have a mutual friendship in common - this is why I cant tell my boyfriend. She told me in confidence and I dont want to destroy any friendships.

Honestly I thank you so much for your replies. What am I worried about the most? That I am a filler for him and that I dont mean as much to him as he does to me. I want to bring this up without letting him know I know. I wouldve preferred that he didnt cheat on her but at the end of the day my personal belief on this is that people can change so I guess its more a worry about the rebound aspect and the fact that maybe he wasnt as finished with her for a longer time as he made out to be!
Thanks

chocolatrose

unreggiereggie wrote: »

I am not blaming my friend for telling me at this stage. She only just found out herself as the incident is not public knowledge. It just so happens that my boyfriends ex girlfriend and I have a mutual friendship in common - this is why I cant tell my boyfriend. She told me in confidence and I dont want to destroy any friendships.

Sorry I jumped the gun there in my conclusion as to why she hadn't told you before now. That explains it. Fair enough if you don't won't to bring this up with him as it could damage the friendship. It seems though if the cheating doesn't concern you it may not even be an issue worth bringing up then if you are confident his cheating isn't what worries you.

unreggiereggie wrote: »

What am I worried about the most? That I am a filler for him and that I dont mean as much to him as he does to me. I want to bring this up without letting him know I know. I wouldve preferred that he didnt cheat on her but at the end of the day my personal belief on this is that people can change so I guess its more a worry about the rebound aspect and the fact that maybe he wasnt as finished with her for a longer time as he made out to be!
Thanks

As for being a rebound, just because he cheated on her and that is why she left him as opposed to it being more of a mutual breakup as he explained it to you doesn't mean that he still may have strong feelings for her. Frankly, he cheated on her so he must not have held her in such high esteem as you seem to think, now that's just my own personal beliefs but I have never been in the mind of a cheater or have ever had any experience of it. I would just imagine if he had the ability to cheat on her, he obviously did not think very highly of her. If he loved her that much he shouldn't be jumping into bed with other women.

You thinking you are a "filler" for him is more of a personal insecurity so. I'm not sure if asking him whether he still has feelings for his ex will make you feel any less insecure about it to be honest. If you feel you trust him and are mad about him then you are just going to have to put it out of your head. I mean do you think it's in him to string you along like that?? You must be able to gauge his feelings for you by the way he treats you, acts around you and so on....

If you want to make a go of it and see potential you just have to take the chance. Don't let someone you have strong feelings for slip away by letting your own insecurities take hold of you. You may regret it. I am not taking into account the whole cheating aspect of this as you have said yourself you can get over that so that is not the issue.

Hope all goes well for you.

Piliger

unreggiereggie - We all do things we wish we didn't at some stage of our lives. We make mistakes. It's ridiculous to dismiss someone because of one thing they did. Would you really want to be judged and dismissed based on the worst thing you ever did ?