How to manage my feelings!

hoey

Okay, this might seem like a strange one, but I really need some advice. I am early thirties, and yes, unfortunately single at present (but hoping that will change soon)...but I am actually a bit depressed by a lot of what I see close friends and siblings call relationships...Very close friend, who has always been very fun loving and adventurous has totally changed, done the whole big ridiculously expensive engagement ring, conservative white wedding thing (despite loudly complaining in the past whenever she was invited to one), and straight after wedding is off the pill hoping to get pregnant. On the face of it I know, yes of course I know this, that it's her life, that what she is doing is totally normal....but oh god, why do I find it so depressing?? This was a really adventurous, having fun, easygoing girl, and to be honest, not the maternal type (I do know her very well)...I know the whole wedding was driven by the fact that she was going totally 100% along with his conservative wedding 'dreams'. To be honest if she was a few years younger I don't know that she would've married this guy. This whole hunger for babies thing is just very depressing. It's as if babies are the be all and end all....and unfortunately the fact that people do not admit to the reality of how often babies and children can totally throw a spanner in the works does not help IMO>
I know my reactions are irrational, but it is actually affecting me, I find it so flipping depressing!! I know you will all say to just get on with my own life....Rationally I am trying to make myself do that, but god, it's hard. I feel like I'm going around in circles. I know I'm out of step with what is considered normal, to be honest I wish I wasn't. I'm actually finding it quite hard...I know it is some deep rooted thing in me not really wanting to grow up...but god, the whole 'get married, settle down, have babies' thing seems so boring...but the alternative 'ie on your own' is rotten too...how can I change my way of thinking to a more healthy one??
PS - 'friend' - is close enough to be a sibling really, and watching the character change is horrible...I wonder how we can stay close.
Please help!

SunnyDub1

HI Op,

I sound a touch of jealously , but it's OK I've been in that situation myself. Unfortunately people do change and majority of the time its due to them meeting the "one" . Nothing worse when all your Friends are into babies and settling down when your still young and single and want to do more with life.Try base your life on your own life and not what other people have in there life. Everyone is different and different stages of your life will happen at different times in your life.

I was in a similar situation where close Friends are settling down and having babies, as I just came out of a long term relationship which was hard but needed to be done and all I wanted was to be enjoying life single.
Make the most of single life join a dating site (bit of a laugh, will keep you occupied, and you never know who you might meet )
While I still keep in contact with my settled close Friends and have time for them , I do things to suit me, I've made other friends that aren't too settled and still enjoy going out. When I'm feeling low - I'll go to the gym, take the dog for a walk, organize a night out, meet my mam for lunch, go shopping.

Although she is your best Friend, try make time for other friends and go out with them? be happy for your Friend, but IMO shes to busy with married life to be out been her usual self and enjoying life.
You need to just try take your mind off by doing things you enjoy doing and just accepting the fact that people change, sad but true.

Moved from The Ladies' Lounge

edellc

OP you said it your self you need to concentrate on your own life and not that of others however close you are with them

Life is about growing up and that in turn means you change, I dont think anyone wants to be who they where at 18/19 when they are in their 30's

If you dont want to get married, have kids so what no big deal plenty of woman decide they dont want that, and so what if your friends do Its their life not yours

You need to get over it, if you are wondering how your going to stay close then you are no friend at all....When you find someone and get into a relationship maybe then you will understand but until you have actually been in love with another human being I dont think you will

Miss Fluff

Sounds to me like the green eyed monster is making an appearance here. If your friend is happy then why would you find it all so depressing? When you meet someone really special who you want to share your life with your ideas about things sometimes change. OK so she may not have been maternal before but now that she's met her husband, the desire to make babies with him probably seems like the most natural thing in the world. Don't begrudge other people's happiness. I get that it's hard being single and on your own as I've been there (especially when everyone around you has been lucky enough to meet someone) but your time will come. The only chance you might not is if you become so cynical and negative that potential suitors will be put off by it. Share in your friends joy rather than finding fault.

hoey

Thanks for the posts...they are (in the main!) helpful!.
A few points though - yes of course, there may be some touch of jealousy, a little, of course I would like to meet someone. I am human, jealousy is a human response but one that we must learn to control. It is important that I do that of course, but there is more to this than simple jealousy. I am not burning up with a desire to procreate at the moment, but I would love to meet a guy that I really connect with. My friend hasn't done that, therefore I am not actually jealous her relationship or her becoming pregnant in fact. I suppose maybe I am jealous that she has managed to move on to some semblance of 'adult' life, whereas in my head I am very resistant to that idea (although I know I have to come round to it - but how to do that?)

So it's not just plain and simple jealousy...
There is also a sadness that people move on. It is one thing to be rational and know that you should be glad for someone, it is another thing to really be so! Believe me, I want to be happy for her, I am trying to figure out how I can genuinely do that.

As for cynicisim...
Yes, there may be some cynicism in me too, and I have been in love in the past myself and know how wonderful it is. However, that does not mean that I am blind to the phenomenon of girls panicking, meeting a guy and at a certain age having babies. The fact is that is a common enough phenomenon, and yes, I do find it depressing. Yes, I do have difficulty 'moving on' it would seem....but I am trying to deal with it. That is my difficulty at the moment. I know that this is an issue that I really need to deal with. I suppose I should try not to focus on those relationships that are based on age/making babies time (and I am not of course saying that that is the full reason for the commitment, however in my friend's case while he is a nice enough guy, hand on heart I believe she 'settled' for him because she felt it was him or be alone, - that is depressing in my opinion...)
I know I am rambling somewhat here, I hope you can figure out the core of what I am trying to say. I desparately want to come to a point where I can leave cynicism etc aside and move on with my own life....but how to do that?
Thanks so so much for the posts, I really appreciate them. It's nice not to be just going round and round in circles in my own head!

Miss Fluff

[QUOTE=hoey;78427507I suppose maybe I am jealous that she has managed to move on to some semblance of 'adult' life, whereas in my head I am very resistant to that idea (although I know I have to come round to it - but how to do that?)[/QUOTE]

You are resistant to the idea because you haven't met the right person. Before I got together with my OH I was a card-carrying commitment phobe and I'm bloody glad I was too. Meeting someone special and settling or panic buying are two totally different propositions. Don't hook up with some poor fecker who you've no interest in because you feel it's time.

Also, not to be terse, but only two people actually in the relationship really knows the dynamic of it and what goes on between those two people. So while you may think he's not for your friend she evidently doesn't agree as she went ahead and married him AND wants to have his babies.

But I do agree with you and think some people settle, I can name a couple off the top of my head, but that's there business really isn't it? While I genuinely pity people that do that then you just have to be there as a friend if things do go tits up but I wouldn't let it consume you.

Sounds to me like people in your life are moving on and doing things and you're feeling left behind. If that's the case then I'd look to enrich my life more by getting involved in things you normally wouldn't and take enjoyment from that. And you may just meet someone through one of these new hobbies too

Hi OP, it does sound a little like you're feeling left behind, but have to agree with previous poster about seeing people 'settle' for less than they would have previously.

It's hard to watch what seems like a very slow moving and utterly predictable crash! Have seen it a few times myself with friends who rushed in when body clocks started to tick so loudly they couldn't be ignored. Sometimes these relationships worked out remarkably well and sometimes not. Hopefully there's a lot more to the guy your friend has found than is publicly displayed! All you can do as a friend is be there no matter how it goes and maybe not judge because none of us knows what goes on in other peoples relationships. Hope that helps, take care of yourself, you sound like a lovely friend x

newuser30

OP i totally agree with your thoughts on the matter. I'm in a long term relationship but seeing everyone getting to a certain point of being together a length of time and then it all being so predictable and boring with the moving in, getting engaged, married, babies. And I know its heading that way in my relationship if we stay together but I've always thought it so insufferably boring this whole marraige and babies thing. No kidding, since I was a kid I've kind of seen settling down with someone as a bit like preparing for death or something!!Im not sure why i think of it like that my parents have a very happy life together. And women will always assume you are jealous. Like settling for someone 'who'll do' is an achievement? I dont want to be like this i want to want what normal people want in life but i simply see no attraction in what constitutes being a grown up nowadays, its looks so depressing. I love my OH and I think I have to come to terms with the fact that I dont want things others seem to want at a certain age. I think you should too OP!

thefeatheredcat

hoey wrote: »

I am not burning up with a desire to procreate at the moment, but I would love to meet a guy that I really connect with. My friend hasn't done that, therefore I am not actually jealous her relationship or her becoming pregnant in fact. I suppose maybe I am jealous that she has managed to move on to some semblance of 'adult' life, whereas in my head I am very resistant to that idea (although I know I have to come round to it - but how to do that?)

hoey wrote: »

however in my friend's case while he is a nice enough guy, hand on heart I believe she 'settled' for him because she felt it was him or be alone

OP I'd look at it in two different ways.... you're a bit disappointed that your friend has settled and not done as well as she could have and in a way I think that her actions have been problematic for you to accept because perhaps you are afraid that at some point you will settle for less than you deserve and want as a compromise for not being lonely and continuing on the "adult" path in "growing up" and having babies irrespective if you have true, deep and meaningful connection with someone or not?

I think the way for you to get past what you feel is realise that you have the courage in you not to settle for less than what you deserve and accept what you feel rather than battle it.

In the same way I have known women who would be in a relationship for the sake of not being alone, I have known others to get married for that same false security too. Just for the ring, the wedding and children while sacrificing what they really want for themselves. Maybe some people just feel at some point that's it and accept it. Either way, it's their choice, if it's what makes them happy, it's what makes them happy.

Perhaps you feel in time you will feel pressured or start thinking you have to settle because you're "supposed" to want to grow up and meet the first man that comes along and have babies with, just because someone else did the same or that's what's expected of you. If you genuinely don't want that for yourself, then don't settle for less, and allow yourself to be happy with that.

Taltos

I don't know OP - maybe what your feeling is just totally natural. In a sense you are grieving for the friend and the relationship you have lost. Maybe part of you maybe feels like you have been cast aside and you know deep down your real friend the one you describe as your sibling would never (or should never) have done that to you.

You have a few choices now though
- continue as you are and slowly let those emotions get the better of you and pull you further down. Eventually impacting most of your relationships.
- accept that your friend has changed and chances are once the bloom of marriage has faded may find their way back to the type of person they were - if even only partially.

In the meantime my recommendation for you is and you're not going to like it - expand your own social circle - find some new friends or interests and just go out and enjoy yourself. I think part of you needs to re-find the fun in life. Life doesn't have to be a logical progression of get married - have kids - wipe their little ****s, it is for many but not all of us want or would even enjoy that (though desires can and do change). The important thing to me is that we all find something we enjoy doing, that makes us happy and helps us find who we really are.

blatantrereg

Yeah people stop being very sociable after they have kids usually. They usually seem tired, stressed out and often very bored. I dont envy them either.

You're best off not thinking about whether your friends have settled or anything else about the details of their relationships. It's intrusive, not your business - all you're succeeding acheiving by it is getting a bit of a hang-up in your own mind.

You might need to let go of your friends a bit. Be happy for them, even if you are glad not to be in their shoes. Dont measure their wheat with your own bushel.

BraziliaNZ

A lot of my close friends are married, have babies etc, and for a while I thought it's what I wanted but I've realised it's probably not what I want, and maybe never will.
Don't beat yourself up because you're not in their situation, it's just a societal pressure to do these things, but really it's up to you. If you can be happy on your own then be on your own! Who needs kids? The world is overpopulated anyway.
Maybe it's where you're living, I live in London and there are lots of people my age and older with the same ideas on life, who still go out in their 40s ec, I found Dublin to be far more traditional when it came to that stuff. Just be at peace with yourself.

mrsdewinter

hoey wrote: »

I suppose maybe I am jealous that she has managed to move on to some semblance of 'adult' life, whereas in my head I am very resistant to that idea (although I know I have to come round to it - but how to do that?)

Hi OP,

I totally get that you're not jealous of your friend's overall situation in life - but we all suffer from the occasional pang of panic because we feel like we're not keeping up with our peers. However, life isn't a race: there aren't a series of life milestones we have to notch up before we hit a certain age.
What's right for your friend isn't necessarily right for you - the secret is focusing on what you want and not paying too much attention to what society/friends/your mum thinks you should be trying to achieve.

hoey

Thank you all so much for the helpful replies. I think I will print them out and re-read them as the need arises! It is a pity society is so restricted in a way really that if we're not hitting the 'milestones' it can make you feel something is wrong, or if you don't seem to be able to go down that conventional path then it can be tough.

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all of the replies. I think there's some truth in every reply posted, and a nugget of wisdom in them all. Go raibh míle maith agaibh go léir!

fits

I agree with Taltos, I dont think its jealousy so much as grieving for the loss of your close friend they way she used to be.

I'm the same age as you and to be honest, this time of life is weird. There's always a pull between your independent free life and the settling down thing. I've never felt under pressure from my peers mainly because they all seem to be late developers like me lol! but its still there. I do have lots of single friends who are older than I and I look at them and ask if thats where I want to be and more often than not, the answer is no.

You know there is a lot of merit in the traditional approach of having a family and settling down etc. It is the natural course of things and maybe we'd be happier if we all accepted that instead of clinging onto our youth by our fingernails lol!

Also 'settling' is one thing... accepting that noone is perfect is another If your friend is happy with her choice, well that is her life for her to decide on.