Advice needed

The Radiator

I need help, my fiancee found the Lord, and will now only marry me if I too convert

She had grown up in a conservative home and lived a relatively christian religious life. Nothing strict or crazy, going to church when she could and praying as needed. A number of years ago, in her early twenties she had both her parents pass away from cancer, a few months apart from one another. It was really a tough time for her, she lost her faith and veered away from the church and religion completely.

I on the other hand grew up in a christian school, went to church on the odd Sunday. Certain family members were religious while others weren't at all. Nothing was ever forced upon us and we hardly ever talked about religion. I personally gave up on it around 14 (now 29), and haven't really thought about it since.

It's only until recently where she has decided to re-look living her life as a christian. Throughout this year she studied the history, read various books, went to a Christianity starter course which I attended with her as support. Which is where I learned a whole lot more about Christianity than I ever was taught at school and church. It was an eye opener and really nailed home my idea that Christianity makes absolutely no sense.

She is now full blown religious and couldn't think of anything more perfect than bringing her kids up in a christian home. Problem is I need to take this journey with her otherwise it makes no sense to marry me.

I love her like you cannot believe but this is tearing us apart.

_dublinlad_

The Radiator wrote: »

I need help, my fiancee found the Lord, and will now only marry me if I too convert

She had grown up in a conservative home and lived a relatively christian religious life. Nothing strict or crazy, going to church when she could and praying as needed. A number of years ago, in her early twenties she had both her parents pass away from cancer, a few months apart from one another. It was really a tough time for her, she lost her faith and veered away from the church and religion completely.

I on the other hand grew up in a christian school, went to church on the odd Sunday. Certain family members were religious while others weren't at all. Nothing was ever forced upon us and we hardly ever talked about religion. I personally gave up on it around 14 (now 29), and haven't really thought about it since.

It's only until recently where she has decided to re-look living her life as a christian. Throughout this year she studied the history, read various books, went to a Christianity starter course which I attended with her as support. Which is where I learned a whole lot more about Christianity than I ever was taught at school and church. It was an eye opener and really nailed home my idea that Christianity makes absolutely no sense.

She is now full blown religious and couldn't think of anything more perfect than bringing her kids up in a christian home. Problem is I need to take this journey with her otherwise it makes no sense to marry me.

I love her like you cannot believe but this is tearing us apart.

OK, as an atheist (and anti-theist) myself I sympathise with your situation. First thing that needs to be said is that she did not become religious through logic, reasoning and facts - she is religious because it comforts her. She has gone through alot and she uses her religion as a safety blanket to make herself feel better. There for you cannot simply sit her down and point out how absurd her beliefs are using logic and reasoning - because thats not why she has them in the first place.

To be honest I think you have to look at youself here. Do you want your kids to be born in to a cult (and thats what it is)?

Personally I dont mind anyone believing in any myths and fairytales they like, dosent bother me in the slightest. BUT - when they try to get me or my kids to believe their bronze age skyfairy myths - thats where I draw the line.

I would get out while I still could.

hondasam

The Radiator wrote: »

I love her like you cannot believe but this is tearing us apart.

There has to be some compromise in all relationships. Why can't you marry her and do your own thing where religion is concerned.
If either of ye are prepared to give up on the relationship then it's not meant to be.
Do you think she would choose her religion over you?
What Would you choose if she gives you the choice?

Squiggler

Unlike dublinlad I am a Christian, and it is something that is important to me... but the operative word is ME. It's a personal choice and not one that I would ever try to force on someone else, especially not by blackmail, which is what this situation seems to amount to.

It seems that you do respect your girlfriend's choice and beliefs, but she should pay you the same courtesy.

I think you will need to have a serious discussion with her about this.

And, if she refuses to budge on her "marry me, marry my God" ultimatum I think you might well be better off without her, painful as it might be.

You've been very supportive. It seems that you're fine with her being religious, you just want her to accept that you're not? It isn't quite clear where you stand with the whole kids thing, but if you're on board with that too (personally even as a non-believer I think a Christian upbringing did me a world of good) then the problem is really hers. You need to explain to her that she needs to accept your beliefs just as you've accepted hers. That you'll never disrespect or ignore her religion but that she can't expect you to take on a religion you don't believe in just to give her comfort.

If she can't understand that, then this is a serious problem and you'll have to leave it to her to decide to either accept you as you are or leave you for someone who likes the same god as her.

Da Shins Kelly

Does she know that you don't believe in Christianity? Would she be willing to marry you and raise children with you if she knew you didn't? I think you need to find out how far is she going to push this. If she is expecting you to buy into her beliefs upon marrying her, then that's not fair and it's pretty selfish. I think you need to make it clear to her that you don't like this, and you're worried about where it's going. She is free to believe whatever it wants (and you sound like you've been open-minded about this), but the key thing about religion (in my opinion), is that it should remain as a personal preference. Nobody should be expected to accept anyone else's beliefs if they don't want to, especially upon entering a marriage, which is supposed to be a balanced relationship. Yes, compromise is important to making any relationship work, but if she is not willing to be flexible about religion, then that's not a compromise. I think you need to talk it out and establish where you both stand on the issue, and if you're both willing to accept each other's viewpoints. Children can be raised in a home where all options regarding religion are open, and then let them choose for themselves. If your girlfriend isn't interested in that, and wants to have an exclusively Christian home and you don't, then maybe it's time to call it quits.

It's a tough one, but it's a big deal and you have a right to be concerned. Issues of faith are very personal, divisive and people are quite passionate about it. You may feel like you're being intolerant, but you're not. If you can't agree on something that tends to seep into everyday life, (which religion so often does especially when children come into the equation) then there will always be a gulf.

Best of luck though. Hope it works out.

Herrick

I'm not really sure why some people think she should be expected to compromise her religious beliefs if she is serious about them? There a lots of religious people who will only consider an OH that holds the same beliefs as them. Same as there are Atheists that refuse to date anyone that holds religious beliefs.

It's good that the OP accepts her beliefs, but if she is taking them very seriously it's not something she can compromise on with if she wants a Christian family.

I mean what is going to happen if they have children and the issue of deciding whether to raise them in the faith comes up? The OP has said she cannot think of anything better than raising children in a Christian home. Is the OP or his OH meant to compromise then? If he's against it and she wants it there will be a world of trouble. She sounds like she takes her beliefs very seriously, which is fine.

I don't see it as a case of any of them not being accepting of each other or being wrong, I'm afraid their not just compatible.

LegacyUser

I am religious and my husband is not. I do not expect him to go to church with me but the children do come along. I raise my children as Catholics and my husband is OK with this. We did marry at church, baptised our children and he attended their Communions and other church fairs. He does come with us for Easter, Christmas masses because our children may be doing a reading or participate in some activity. Those are his compromises and mine are that I do not expect or force him in any way to come along on Sundays or for him to teach our children about God.

It works out for us and I am ok with it. I do pray for him every now and again .

As for you maybe compromise on things that are feasible with you. If she expects more than you both are not compatible or perhaps not able to compromise enough for each other. Religion is a toughy for most but in reality most Irish are culturally Catholic and though there are many who do not attend mass they still hold some of the traditions. You say she is Christian, if it is another denomination you are not too comfortable with then I can understand the uncertainty. My hubby comes from a non-practising Catholic background and is more atheist in his beliefs but he is not disrespectful at all when it comes to mine and doesn't feel as uneasy about our children being raised into it probably because of some familiarity of it.

chocolatrose

Faith is a personal journey. Both your partner's and your beliefs to date is somewhat irrelevant now. Neither of ye should have to compromise what ye choose to believe in. It is unfortunate that you are now deeply involved with someone who has taken a different path and has now made her faith a very important part of her life but there is nothing you can do to change her or her to change you if neither party wants to. It may be the case that ye are just not going to be compatible from here on in.

She is obviously very set in her ways that if she is to have a family, this is the faith she would like to bring them up in. If you are not happy with that it will cause too much of a rift.

I think it is very important in a relationship that both involved are compatible in terms of faith/beliefs in order to have a stable long term relationship and bring up a family. For some people faith has very little relevance in their lives, some none at all, but for others can be a very passionate and influential aspect of who they are as a person and how they approach life. Everyone's experience is different and personal to them.

Personally, I am a Catholic Christian and I could not enter a relationship with someone who did not have the same faith as myself or someone who had very opposing views. It might seem okay while it is just the two of ye but it will really start to cause problems when ye have children. I could not compromise how I would like to bring up a family.

prinz

The Radiator wrote: »

I love her like you cannot believe but this is tearing us apart.

Let it. I'm sure it won't hurt for very long, you'll get over it eventually.

I didn't catch the duplicate

OP was banned for trolling