The Grass isn't always Greener

GeorgeMcFly

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday after I told him that I was not happy about the voicemail he left on my phone Saturday night.

Voicemail consisted of him calling me a f**king slut and a f**king tart and telling me to go f**k myself.

We were out separtatley and I came home about 3 in the morning and went to bed phone on silent passed out drunk :rolleyes: he does not live with me and there were no plans he would come back to stay with me. He does have a key but didn't have it with him that night.

I live in an apartment block which has a main door downstairs so he was standing here for 25 minutes or so ringing me, then left this voicemail, so off he went home then.

This voicemail has upset me we are together a long time and I don't have experience of other relationships, I think he uses this hence the comment above him telling me 'the grass isn't always greener' that all couples have arguments he is sorry for the voicemail and its content.

anyone experience of this kind of thing?

advice welcome

MJ23

I'd tell him to fùck off. Anyone who leaves a voicemail like that should suffer the consequences. Being drunk is no excuse. He's taking you for granted. Tell him to go on with himself.

Neyite

Eh, yeah, I experienced it - from an abusive ex that I was dumb enough to stay with for longer than I should have.

Firstly, the grass is greener in this instance. No grass at all would be better than the abuse you got, if you get me.

Its a tactic to ensure you are hesitant about ever finding someone should you decide to move on. It's nothing to do with him being sorry, its all to do about ensuring you are too unsure to move on from him. If he wanted to be apologetic for his abusive voicemail, why not just say "I'm sorry".

Nothing you did warranted him even getting annoyed at you. And even if you did something like lock him out on purpose, you still dont deserve to be called what he called you.

You've been long enough with him to know this is how he is. I can guarantee that not only would you find someone else if you moved on, but many many men out there would never dream of saying what he said to you. Even blind drunk. When there is a kind and respectful man out there somewhere for you, why are you wasting your time with this loser?

SunnyDub1

He shouldn't have called you what he did.. but he was drunk , angry and pissed off. Especially with drink we always say things we don't mean and also drink can cause aggression.

Couples do have fights all the time and say things they don't mean, you learn from mistakes. IF he has apologized - Forgive, move on and forget about it.

LegacyUser

Jesus!

So you tell him, quite rightly, that you are unhappy about an abusive voicemail and he responds with "the grass isn't always greener"! What, so you should put up with abuse from him because you might get worse elsewhere?? What complete rubbish.

Has he treated you like this before? Does he blame alcohol for it?

You're lacking in relationship experience but that doesn't mean you think his behaviour is acceptable. The very fact that you're posting here shows that you know this isn't right.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable and to fob off your concerns and to then try to manipulate you into thinking that you might get worse treatment elsewhere is something you really should consider walking away from.

SunnyDub1

Neyite wrote: »

Eh, yeah, I experienced it - from an abusive ex that I was dumb enough to stay with for longer than I should have.

Firstly, the grass is greener in this instance. No grass at all would be better than the abuse you got, if you get me.

Its a tactic to ensure you are hesitant about ever finding someone should you decide to move on. It's nothing to do with him being sorry, its all to do about ensuring you are too unsure to move on from him. If he wanted to be apologetic for his abusive voicemail, why not just say "I'm sorry".

Nothing you did warranted him even getting annoyed at you. And even if you did something like lock him out on purpose, you still dont deserve to be called what he called you.

You've been long enough with him to know this is how he is. I can guarantee that not only would you find someone else if you moved on, but many many men out there would never dream of saying what he said to you. Even blind drunk. When there is a kind and respectful man out there somewhere for you, why are you wasting your time with this loser?

MJ23 wrote: »

I'd tell him to fùck off. Anyone who leaves a voicemail like that should suffer the consequences. Being drunk is no excuse. He's taking you for granted. Tell him to go on with himself.

Bit extreme????? he was a little angry, said stuff he shouldn't have. Drink or no drink we all say things we don't mean sometimes.
People make mistakes and act out of character sometimes, it's a apart of life.

Op I can think of more serious and worrying situations to be in. If you both Love each other move on and forget about and don't allow him to speak to you like that again

thefeatheredcat

GeorgeMcFly wrote: »

Voicemail consisted of him calling me a f**king slut and a f**king tart and telling me to go f**k myself.

OK so you had no plans to meet up or stay over and yet because he's angry with being at the downstairs of your apartment block, unexpected and without access, he has some sort of right to leave an abusive voicemail on your phone putting you down?

When you did nothing to warrant it?

The problem is with him.

Why do you want to be a punchbag for his frustration and anger for a message that he shouldn't have left and had no right to leave in the first place? Just because he was drunk doesn't give him the right to leave an abusive message for you to receive and not apologise in a meaningful way. Or play head games with a vague and rather mistrusting and manipulative (as if he suspected you with someone else that night) line of the grass isn't always greener.

Neyite

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

He shouldn't have called you what he did.. but he was drunk , angry and pissed off. Especially with drink we always say things we don't mean and also drink can cause aggression.

Then he shouldnt drink if he behaves like that. If you say things you dont mean or be aggressive with alcohol then there is a problem.

wrote:

Couples do have fights all the time and say things they don't mean, you learn from mistakes. IF he has apologized - Forgive, move on and forget about it.

Disagree. If he was that abusive to his boss, he'd be out on his arse. He would never be that abusive to someone bigger and stronger than him. He is smart enough to know who to say it to -his girlfriend. Real couples fight, but the name calling was unwarranted and abusive. I am nearly 10 years with my partner and never, not once would we call each other names like that through all our disagreements. Because we are grown adults.

And he didnt apologise. How is "the grass isnt greener, you know" an apology on any level?

Taltos

OK - at a stretch I could forgive the voicemail - drink was taken and chances are he was the worse for wear and just wrecked - provided of course this was and stays a once off... It would require a sincere apology though.

However - his sober grass is greener stick - that to me is a red flag and one I would challenge him on. Me, I would want to know exactly what was meant - the grass can always be greener - however if he is using this as a justification of his drunked abusive voicemail then that signals someone who is very immature - and a relationship you should seriously give some thought to.

Straw and camels back etc...

hondasam

GeorgeMcFly wrote: »

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday after I told him that I was not happy about the voicemail he left on my phone Saturday night.

Voicemail consisted of him calling me a f**king slut and a f**king tart and telling me to go f**k myself.

Does he often speak to you like this?

We all say things when drunk or during arguments but his words are very nasty.

His comment imply's you are lucky to have him and this I would challenge him on.

SunnyDub1

Neyite wrote: »

Then he shouldnt drink if he behaves like that. If you say things you dont mean or be aggressive with alcohol then there is a problem.

hardly .... It was a once off - op has no mentioning of this happening all the, if it was happening all the time then it would be a problem.

Disagree. If he was that abusive to his boss , he'd be out on his arse

how does a boss and partner compare in anyway ??? Big difference IMO

. I am nearly 10 years with my partner and never, not once would we call each other names like that through all our disagreements. Because we are grown adults.

Not everyone is the same as you and your partner. Not everyone is in the same relationship as you and your partner. Different people, different relationships.

And he didnt apologise. How is "the grass isnt greener, you know" an apology on any level?

Actually if you read the post by op there is mentioning of a sorry at the end

P. Breathnach

What do you think was in his mind when he left that voicemail?

You were out socialising separately from him; it was obviously a late night and you got smashed; there was a possibility of his interpreting that you were not in your own bed.

Could it have been that the circumstances in which you were socialising might have caused him to worry? Is that why he turned up outside your place in the middle of the night?

GeorgeMcFly

P. Breathnach wrote: »

What do you think was in his mind when he left that voicemail?

You were out socialising separately from him; it was obviously a late night and you got smashed; there was a possibility of his interpreting that you were not in your own bed.

Could it have been that the circumstances in which you were socialising might have caused him to worry? Is that why he turned up outside your place in the middle of the night?

I was out with work for a few drinks, he wasn't worried about me, just angry he couldn't get in.

Torakx

My ex used to give me crap and cause trouble trying to make me jealous.
I told her i didndt like that after the first time.
She did it again, we had another arguement and she walked out thinking she had some kind of power over me because she got to do it twice then.
She never even got a chance to talk to me again after she said " if i walk out this door im not coming back!"

My reply then was "ok...cya"

If he has done this once it might be ok to forgive him..say if he was drunnk on whiskey and cant handle his drink.
A second time and imo you should destroy any idea he has that he will ever speak to you again.
Respect yourself or he wont!

If someone does something to me that i would not do to them that is disrespectful i get extremely angry and stubborn..and i think thats a good thing.
Im shy and quiet and so very polite,but disrespect me and there are consequences.
Because i am the male i the relationship i can afford to give out second chances,as i have no reason to fear a beating really.

As for women i think with some guys they need to be a bit more wary.

and as for the grass is greener...LOL tell him if he ever talks to you like that you will let him know when you get there.
Infact for me that would have been the last straw...but i am quite stubborn.

LegacyUser

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

hardly .... It was a once off - op has no mentioning of this happening all the, if it was happening all the time then it would be a problem.

The OP also said "I don't have experience of other relationships, I think he uses this hence the comment above him telling me 'the grass isn't always greener' that all couples have arguments"

It would appear that while him calling her a f*cking slut and a f*cking tart might be a once off, his behaviour within the relationship in general is upsetting her and making her question things.

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

how does a boss and partner compare in anyway ??? Big difference IMO

Yeah you're right, there is a big difference. You are supposed to love and respect your partner. You most certainly don't call someone you love and respect a "f*cking slut" or a "f*cking tart". The fact that you excuse his behaviour on the grounds of alcohol is rather disturbing. If alcohol makes you speak to your partner in such an aggressive and disgusting way then you take a serious look at your drinking habits and either cut back or stop altogether.

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

Not everyone is the same as you and your partner. Not everyone is in the same relationship as you and your partner. Different people, different relationships.

Oh please! Every relationship should have love and respect at it's core. You do not verbally abuse someone you love and respect the way the OPs partner did. She told him she was unhappy and he responded by telling her that "the grass isn't always greener." This is basically telling her to shut up and take it because there's worse out there than him. It is an abusive way to carry on. You might see nothing wrong with his behaviour but the OP clearly does; she wouldn't be posting here otherwise.

SunnyDub1 wrote: »

Actually if you read the post by op there is mentioning of a sorry at the end

Saying sorry and then adding "the grass isn't always greener" is the same as saying "sorry but..." It's not an apology, not really.

OP, if it were me I would be seriously re-evaluating the relationship. Nobody should speak to you in that manner. It doesn't matter if he was drunk or jumped to ridiculous conclusions about your whereabouts and fidelity. He had no right to verbally abuse you like that and he had no right to try to manipulate you into thinking that this is normal in a relationship and that you need to put up and shut up.

chocolatrose

GeorgeMcFly wrote: »

My boyfriend said this to me yesterday after I told him that I was not happy about the voicemail he left on my phone Saturday night.

Voicemail consisted of him calling me a f**king slut and a f**king tart and telling me to go f**k myself.

We were out separtatley and I came home about 3 in the morning and went to bed phone on silent passed out drunk :rolleyes: he does not live with me and there were no plans he would come back to stay with me. He does have a key but didn't have it with him that night.

I live in an apartment block which has a main door downstairs so he was standing here for 25 minutes or so ringing me, then left this voicemail, so off he went home then.

This voicemail has upset me we are together a long time and I don't have experience of other relationships, I think he uses this hence the comment above him telling me 'the grass isn't always greener' that all couples have arguments he is sorry for the voicemail and its content.

anyone experience of this kind of thing?

advice welcome

To be honest OP it does sound like this is a once off drunken incident as you haven't mentioned he has done anything like this before. He obviously had one too many. They were very hurtful things he said but bear in mind if this is not something he would say to you while sober it is the drink talking. How does he treat you without any drink in??? Or has he ever acted like this before whilst drunk??

He has said sorry which counts for something. The comment 'the grass isn't always greener' was a bit counter productive for him if he was trying to get on your good books but it might be the case that he is genuinely worried you might walk out on the relationship because of his actions. I would say he said this out of desperation as he is afraid to lose you. After all you said you have been together a long time so I'm sure ye both love each other.

The best thing to do is to sit down with him, tell him how you feel, and that you won't tolerate any such abuse like that in the future. He may realise he went a step too far and will sort himself out, not drink to the point that he isn't aware of the hurt he causes.

LegacyUser

Drink is not an excuse OP. I was once what I thought a loving caring relationship but whenever he drank (every other month) he would get nasty. He would have maybe one or two drinks never plastered but turned evil. He was a Jekyll and Hyde.

So for me drink is never a viable excuse and no offense we live in a country that has severe problems with drink, imo.

There was something my aunt used to tell me when I was younger. When your bf gets drunk and he is funny, cracks jokes is one thing but if he is downright nasty, melancholic or violent run like the wind. Because it really isn't worth it and you do not want to fear what will happen next when he drinks. I wish I took that advice from my aunt when I was dating my ex at the time.

Drink or no drink is not an excuse for such deplorable behaviour,imo. The comment about the grass is not greener raises flags about his character and immaturity. Take this as a learning lesson and move on. Learn that it is important to be treated with respect and courtesy regardless of the situation and if or if not someone drinks. If you want to remain with him then you must speak with him about this in greater detail. Ask for a proper apology and that he never does this again. If he does then you run like the wind!

Fizzlesque

Sometimes the grass is greener.

P. Breathnach

GeorgeMcFly wrote: »

I was out with work for a few drinks, he wasn't worried about me, just angry he couldn't get in.

I'm not convinced. I wouldn't expect behaviour like his to come out of nowhere. There has to be a reason, even if it is a bad reason and something that is happening only in his own head.

The words he used were "slut" and "tart", and yet you give us the impression that you have no history before your relationship with him. These are words a man might use if he thought his partner was cheating, or going close to cheating. Turning up at your place in the middle of the night fits the same interpretation.

So might there be a reason, good or bad, why he might not trust you "out with work for a few drinks"? Is there a guy in work who has shown an interest in you? Have you spoken too much to him about how nice a particular workmate is? Or is there a work colleague who might take pleasure in winding your boyfriend up? Or did you get it on with somebody when you were out?

Herrick

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'm not convinced. I wouldn't expect behaviour like his to come out of nowhere. There has to be a reason, even if it is a bad reason and something that is happening only in his own head.

The words he used were "slut" and "tart", and yet you give us the impression that you have no history before your relationship with him. These are words a man might use if he thought his partner was cheating, or going close to cheating. Turning up at your place in the middle of the night fits the same interpretation.

So might there be a reason, good or bad, why he might not trust you "out with work for a few drinks"? Is there a guy in work who has shown an interest in you? Have you spoken too much to him about how nice a particular workmate is? Or is there a work colleague who might take pleasure in winding your boyfriend up? Or did you get it on with somebody when you were out?

+1

The first thing I thought when reading what he said was he thought she had cheated on him.

As P. Breathnach says OP, has there been anything lately that might make him think this?

LegacyUser

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'm not convinced. I wouldn't expect behaviour like his to come out of nowhere. There has to be a reason, even if it is a bad reason and something that is happening only in his own head.

The words he used were "slut" and "tart", and yet you give us the impression that you have no history before your relationship with him. These are words a man might use if he thought his partner was cheating, or going close to cheating. Turning up at your place in the middle of the night fits the same interpretation.

So might there be a reason, good or bad, why he might not trust you "out with work for a few drinks"? Is there a guy in work who has shown an interest in you? Have you spoken too much to him about how nice a particular workmate is? Or is there a work colleague who might take pleasure in winding your boyfriend up? Or did you get it on with somebody when you were out?

You are basically asking the OP what she did to make this guy abuse her.

Have you considered that maybe he is just a paranoid arsehole when he's drunk? Maybe he's just a nasty piece of work who has issues with women and instantly goes for the "slut" angle when he gets angry? He wouldn't be the first and won't be the last.

There is absolutely no excuse for this man to speak to his girlfriend in that manner. Alcohol and paranoia around fidelity are not valid reasons and, personally, I'm appalled that you appear to be looking to validate this bloke's behaviour and effectively place the blame on the OP.

chocolatrose

The OP has said nothing of her boyfriend's attitude with drink in before this incident occurred. I am in no way condoning his actions but I believe he should be given the benefit of the doubt before branding him as an abusive person who will never change. It's a little too soon to say that if this is the first time he has done such a thing.

I agree she deserves a down right good apology if she has done nothing out of the way to make him come out with such insulting degrading terms but we do not know both sides of the story. He has acted immaturely and does need to recognise his faults if he is to learn from them granted.

And yes Drink is not an excuse, but we all know drink is a mind altering substance and affects some people greater than others. Some people and drink do not mix full stop. He may be one of these people. And if so she will see it sooner or later and can make that decision for herself when the time comes. Maybe they can both work it out and he will see for himself that he can't go over a certain limit.

I have personal experience of a close family member who went through a period in his life of alcoholism. It caused a lot of problems no doubt. In fact he was a completely different person with drink in than without. He said things similar, in fact worse than what has been said above, to the people he loved. Things that were completely untrue and that he would never have thought if the alcohol hadn't taken over his mind. Alcohol causes paranoia, full stop. The way a person acts under the influence of alcohol is not always a reflection of them as a person. There is a different person behind the alcohol. Also I am not trying to insinuate the OP's bf is an alcoholic, just that he obviously doesn't mix well with alcohol.

I don't think she should write him off just yet.

R.D. aka MR.D

Just wanted to say that I was in an abusive relationship with a guy. This is exactly how it started. These drunken voicemails, texts, phonecalls might be 6 months apart but eventually he left me in the hospital.

If this is a first offense maybe forgive him but just know that if it happens again you have to get out of the situation.

My ex was the nicest person on the planet when sober though. Thats what made it so hard.

DEFTLEFTHAND

The guy sounds like a total tosspot who can't handle his liquor. Show him the door is my advice, drunk or sober you should never let anyone talk to you like that.

Wompa1

I freaked out on an ex before that wouldn't answer her phone, we were both in a city that we didn't know. She went out with a group of people she barely knew and her phone had died. I had tried to call her loads, after a while her phone was turned off...so tried the hotel room and left voicemails for her to contact me when she got it...7am rolls around and still no word. So I went back to the hotel at 10am and she answered the door...at 10am she was meant to have already left for a conference and I lost it. I didn't trust her though...I didn't call her a slut or anything like that.....but my heart was about to jump out of my chest I was so angry. As it turns out she was cheating on me with somebody there so me raising my voice was justified.

That feeling was one of the worst I've ever felt. Fear, worry turning into complete anger. I wasn't in my right frame of mind...but it sounds like your b/f thinks you may have cheated on him..otherwise why call you a slut..who wants to go out with a girl they think is a slut..

GeorgeMcFly

Thanks for your support there, I don't appreciate the angle P. Breathnach is going for either.

I am happy for mods to close this thread, I suppose thats what I get when I ask strangers on the internet for advice.

P. Breathnach

I will say no more than to point out that my posts have been misinterpreted.

Taltos

GeorgeMcFly wrote: »

I am happy for mods to close this thread

Closed as per OP.
OP - if you change your mind just contact any of the mods and we will reopen this for you.