space and career decisions in a relationship

LegacyUser

hi all

so here's the story; in serious relationship since Nov 2011. Doesnt sound like a long time, but we have known each other for many years and we both knew that when we got together it was something special. This is the real deal - for both of us we agree.

but...relationships dont always go smoothly. Our situation is like this -he is French, I am Irish. We now live in France..I'm unemployed..he is scraping by on a research grant. I had a job for past 5 years that took me travelling all around the world. Last year I changed my career and came to live with him in europe - with joy...I'd had enough of living out of a suitcase and only caring about my job. Before I did that he had quit his job and gone back to do a masters in university with a view to a career change of his own..as his previous job bored him..and there was no job security anyway.

So now we are looking to the future together - he is dead set on a PhD. He feels academia is the only way for him. I would like to note here that a PhD will not add any value to his CV in terms of a private company or government job prospect. A PhD would be purely specific to university research and will be 3 or 4 years of living poorly and without any guarantee of a job after that either. This makes me a bit worried as I will definetly have to be the main breadwinner. Financial security is important to me because we have discussed the possibility of having a baby in next 5 years (as i'm getting older) and i dont see that as a responsible decision if we dont have a proper income.

However, to be the main bread winner - I will have to live in a country where i can get a good job and be paid according to my experience. This means Ireland or UK. Not France. Much as I love living here, it will be hard for me to get a 'good' job in this country. So I'm asking him to apply for PhDs elsewhere. He agrees to that and chances in france are slim anyway...but that Irish universities dont have the right departments and is now talking about pretty grim locations in the UK - like newcastle... that do not appeal to me, or to my potential employers (i am pretty much only employable in Dublin or London).

I love him. I want him to be happy and do a job he loves and support his decision. But I love me too, and think I want to have a job I enjoy and I dont want to live in different countries to him and I do want to have the financial security necessary to start a family.

I am mainly concerned about money to be honest. I really want him to consider a Plan B...maybe not doing a PhD but just getting a 'normal' job which he can certainly do with his profile (and yes, its a tough time out there in the job hunting world I know...but he is not doing a phd just to weather the storm, he wants it as a career).

Another issue, is that right now - i am unemployed and living off savings. I am paying my own way mind! But i am dependent on him for company, as I dont have that social interaction of work colleagues/friends. I am a bit lonely here and i'm sure if we decided to stay i would apply myself and find my way for sure..but right now its limbo because i dont know if we will stay after he finishes this grant so dont have a lot of energy for making 'friends' that i will just leave in a few months. So I suppose i'm kind of waiting to see about where he will get a phd. I'm feeling a bit powerless and crappy...

Please tell me how to manage this situation. We have had arguments about this. He is a lovely person and he really deserves to have a job he loves...help me find a solution or a way to talk to him to make him see I care for him but also want some future stability for us... and I hate sounding like an unsupportive partner.

help please!
ps: sorry for REALLY LONG post - can you tell i have no friends here? ha!

Sleepy

Have you fluent French? If you did, could you work in Paris or another major city in France with a major financial district (apologies if I'm guessing wrong that Finance is your area)?

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for that reply, no sorry, not in finance - and I could manage to get something with my level of french (intermediate) but like i say, i'd be starting at the bottom here - whereas back home or in UK, i could enter my sector at the mid-level where I left off...that would make a difference to salary (and self esteem!)

my main thing is the phd and how to talk to him about it. any ideas welcome to be honest...i am dreading the idea of us living apart for him to do that in another country or city...but think that may be what will happen and i know i'd find it so hard and am just dreading it..

Idle Passerby

I don't think its right for you to try to talk him out of doing PhD if that is what he really wants to do. Your not willing to take what you would consider a poorly paying job for him so why should he give up his dreams for you? It sounds like the best option based on what you've said is for the two of you to move to the UK and for you to work in London and for him to start college in Newcastle. You would probably have to live apart but at least you'd be in the same country and both be doing what you want to do.

vetinari

Yeah, I wouldn't badger him on giving up the Phd but I would definitely say that he should do it in London. It's the obvious choice. The Irish universities aren't suitable but surely somewhere in the London area is. Seems odd that there wouldn't be.

LittleBook

I find it difficult to understand why he can't find a university in London too but what about a "distance learning" PhD? There are many English universities who facilitate this.

But frankly what I think you two need to think about is what level of lifestyle you are expecting in the future.

He seems happy enough to be the penniless student (as I understand it, with a PhD his salary won't be great if he's even lucky enough to get a job afterwards) but I think you want more financial security/comfort, particularly if you're considering a baby.

Clauric

Not to take the topic off the beaten track, but it is possible to get an enterprise/private company to sponsor his work. Depending on the field the likes of IRCSET, IRCHSS, SFI, Enterprise Ireland sponsor PhDs in Ireland.