Fancy this guy, not sure what to do - there's a catch

LegacyUser

Hi there

Okay, so I fancy this guy and really don't know what to do about it. I think he also likes me but I'm not sure whether I'm just seeing what I want to see / hearing what I want to hear.

Under normal circumstances I would have bitten the bullet by now and I'd say I'd have just gone in for the kiss on one of our nights out, but there is a catch to this one ... we're room mates!

I really don't know what to do - I'm going mad thinking about it as spending so much time together means that my feelings (or frustrations) are growing on a daily basis - If I honestly had to say whether or not he feels the same I would say that he might, but again I don't know if I'm twisting things to see what I want to - these situations are always a lot harder to assess when it's you in the middle of it.

The thing is, it's a lot harder to put the moves on someone you live with as what if you're wrong?? The embarrassment! Also, what if I'm right? I may jeopardise my living arrangements in the long term and I love living where I am right now and don't want to move out.

I don't really have anyone to confide in about this as my friends keep saying to me "Don't sh*t where you eat" and although I know that I shouldn't, I also know that if he were to ask me out I would definitely accept.

Just need to let this off my chest really - It's on my mind 24-7 and I've no one to really discuss it with without being wrapped on the knuckles and being told to forget about it all.

Sleepy

Do ye socialise together in the house/apartment? Get bladdered together some night and see what happens?

LegacyUser

Yeah we do socialise together, but nothing has ever happened as a result of it. Whenever we are out or drinking there are always a lot of other people there, so we don't ever get any time alone. Whenever there are opportunities I think I must avoid them out of fear of being very obvious about my feelings.

I'm not sure whether he likes me and has reservations about making a move because we live together or whether he just thinks it wouldn't be worth the potential hassle it could bring with it or...

He's just a flirt or he's just being incredibly nice to me to help me fit in to the new home or he's just a nice guy and I'm reading into things too much.

There is no doubt that as time goes by our conversations during nights out happen more often and they are definitely of a flirtatious nature. I also find that when we are socialising in a group I find myself staring over in his direction and he is always looking in mine, but does this even mean anything????

MJ23

Go for it. Try get him on his own and put the moves on. Life is too short to be driving yourself mad about this. Go for it and you'll soon get your answer. If he turns you down, which i suspect he wont, you'll get over it and move on. Dont mind your pals with their "Dont shìt where you eat". Hopefully you'll be riding where you eat. Though if you do get together with him, dont be doing lovey dovey crap like smooching on the sofa and calling each other babe in front of the other housemates. I lived with a couple before in a student house and they were unbearable to be around. Could hear them giggling in the bath, (the walls in the house were made of paper). Good luck with it. Let us know how it goes.

LegacyUser

username987654 wrote: »

He's just a flirt or he's just being incredibly nice to me to help me fit in to the new home or he's just a nice guy and I'm reading into things too much.

There is no doubt that as time goes by our conversations during nights out happen more often and they are definitely of a flirtatious nature. I also find that when we are socialising in a group I find myself staring over in his direction and he is always looking in mine, but does this even mean anything????

I think you are looking into it too much... If you have a few drinks in then maybe you are starting and if you are as smitten as you seem, he probably knows you have a crush on him. chances are he wont want to get involved with a flatmate so the best thing you could do is move out and see what happens then...

How would you feel if he brought someone else home? You are better making a break adn seeing how it goes then.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies


Aaaargh, I don't know what to do. I don't want to move out, n I'm not really willing to do that on the off chance that this guy might like me - i'd need to know that for sure

But I do appreciate that he could know I like him and just isn't interested in seeing a house mate. I think men are more logical in situations like that.

Just pouncing on him one night is not really ideal for me as that will inevitably lead to the bedroom, which is obv great, but although I know I can't tar all men with the same brush, they are less likely than women to turn down a girl who is willing to go upstairs with them and I'm not after a one-night stand.

I also think that any attraction I have for him now would only be increased by sleeping with him and I could end up feeling worse not better.

How would I feel if he brought someone else home? Well, I would feel a bit hurt if I'm honest, but I do realise that I would have no reason/right to feel that way. Up until not that long ago there was a girl who came over every so often and in some way that was easier actually because at least I knew there wasn't a chance of anything brewing up between us then cause there was someone else on the scene.

Whats probably more telling is that I'm no longer that bothered about going out on the pull with the girls anymore. I initially put this down to the fact that I was actually happier on my own, but now that I think about that a bit more I think it may be because I'm becoming quite attached to this other guy.

dellas1979

Has he given you any signs/signals at all?
Have you given him any signs/signals?

LegacyUser

I haven't given any hints that I'm aware of, except for the fact that I find I stare at him a good bit. As said before I notice that he's always staring back.

We have very flirtatious conversations where he takes the pee out of me a good bit n he's always making me laugh.

One day I mentioned that I would like to play pitch and putt and he offered to bring me out, saying that if he couldn't find clubs in the house he'd go out and buy them, which he did.

And this may sound silly but on one of the most recent house parties we were at I wasn't feeling very well n he went to the kitchen n made me a hot water lemon and honey. I thought this was incredibly sweet, but then again I could be making something out of nothing here.

Earlier on that night, on our way to the house party we were walking to the house and we were holding hands. I was pretty drunk so can't remember who instigated that but I'm sure it was probably me.

A few of his friends thought that we had already hooked up and they asked me about this last weekend, which I suppose had me thinking that maybe this isn't all in my imagination after all.

Idle Passerby

Go for it! I was in the same situation a few years ago and couldn't bring myself to do anything so let it pass and ended up seeing someone else, which didn't last too long and I felt Id missed out on my chance with the one I really liked.

Blazer

username987654 wrote: »

.

One day I mentioned that I would like to play pitch and putt and he offered to bring me out, saying that if he couldn't find clubs in the house he'd go out and buy them, which he did.

You can't get more obvious than this..go for it.

going un-reg

Having lived with many people, living in many apartments/houses, I'd highly advise against this.

Why people are just saying "Go for it" clearly haven't thought everything through. Yes, in normal circumstances, I'd be saying the same thing, but you live together.

I've had two friends in the same predicament and it ended badly, in both cases either parties had to find new accommodation. I'm not saying it won't work out, but the risks are pretty high if things don't work out.

I'd listen to your friends, who know you better than anyone on this forum.

ash23

I'd a brief relationship with a housemate back in my late teens which was fine because before he ended it he moved out.
And I'd a 6 year relationship with another of my housemates.

Sleepy

I'd agree with Blazer. You don't buy golf clubs to go playing pitch and putt with a housemate who mentions a passing interest in it. You do that when you *really* want to find an excuse to spend some one on one time with a girl you fancy.

Swampy

Edit: whoops. Thought this was AH for some reason. Sorry.

Eve_Dublin

username987654 wrote: »

Earlier on that night, on our way to the house party we were walking to the house and we were holding hands. I was pretty drunk so can't remember who instigated that but I'm sure it was probably me.

I don't want to say for definite that he likes you and build your hopes up if it's not the case but you dont hold hands with someone you're not interested in like that. It sounds like he does fancy you OP from where I'm standing.

Nothing ventured nothing gained and I don't see why you cant date a housemate. Okay, it could end disasterously and in the very worst case scenario, one of you will have to move out but I've heard lots of success stories.

And how to get with him...can I be really Irish here and suggest having some drinks together just the two of you in the flat? Make an excuse to cook dinner for the pair of you or something and go for it.

Good luck with whatever you do...he sounds like a nice guy.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies.

Its weird how conflicted I feel about the whole thing. There's one part of me that says, "there's no way you're reading this wrong" and that has recently been backed up by the fact that his friends spoke to me about it then other times I find myself saying "Cop on, theres no way he's into you" thats the part of me that lacks confidence or is afraid of the rejection n i also think that because I find him so hot I'm intimidated

My feelings - or I should say courage - changes on a daily basis but the way I'm feeling now I'm saying that next available opportunity (which won't actually be for about another 2 weeks or so) if theres a chance I'm going to take it and see what happens.

Funny thing is, the tension and the fact that everytime were alone someone or something comes along to make sure we dont have a chance to be alone is actually quite enjoyable - if only I knew that by the end of it all we would end up hooking up. By itself, without that guarantee, its just plain frustrating.

Reesy

Hey OP,

Is it the sort of relationship where you can have a grown up chat with him? Can you ask him in a dispassionate way if he's any interest in a relationship with you? Tough to do, I know but it might work... might it?

cynder

He could be thinking the same as what you are thinking, what if, oh no I'll ruin everything.

If your too shy to tell him straight out that you like him, give him bigger hints. Tell him he looks good, flirt a bit more, see if he will catch the bait.


Good luck, if it were me I would tell him tonight... Over a Chinese Take away.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies

I'm not around this weekend, so it will be next weekend before I get a chance to be drunk around him. A bad way of putting it I know, but realistically probably the only way I would have the courage to do it.

Reesy - We only know eachother about 6 months or so, but yeah, we are both mature enough to have that kind of a conversation (We're both in our early 30s) and actually I imagine he is the kind of guy that if he wasn't interested he would just say so, and there would be no awkwardness to the situation at all - at least from his end - I would be mortified, but I imagine that would pass - after all, being attracted to someone is not a crime and it's not something I can help!!

Ideally I would love to just come out with it sober (and I would also obv like my feelings to be reciprocated), without the messiness of drink to be involved, but I can't see that happening.

As I said before in my previous post, my feelings change on a daily basis - now I'm thinking "no, don't do anything, if it's going to happen, let it happen - let him instigate things" But during a conversation we had last week about our night out he was telling me that he would have to be filthy drunk before he could chat up a girl - making me think that if I wait around for him to make the moves they may never happen!

Sometimes I wish I could just pluck up the courage to at least start the sentence, that way I'd have to finish it!!!!!!!!!

I've never felt like this before in my life - I don't mean that in a soppy/romantic way as in I've never had feelings as deep etc... - I just mean I've never had to spend so much time around someone I'm so mad for and not be able to do anything about it.

Actually kind of glad to be out of the apartment this weekend - think I need it for my sanity! He sat down beside me on the couch last wed and I actually had to get up and go to bed after an hour because I just couldn't bear the frustration of being so close but so far!!!!!!!!

LegacyUser

So how did the weekend go OP?

Did you find this passion/desire was lessened by the fact that you weren't around this guy all weekend?

Was he on your mind at all?

Be careful that he's not just growing on you simply because he's the closest thing to a new guy - make sure your feelings are clear before pursuing anything - especially given the fact that you tow live together

LegacyUser

Ive the same problem, except im a guy and live with a girl in the same kind of circumstances though Im ten years younger than you. Im pretty happy to see I'm not the only one.

Your right men do think about it more logically or atleast I do. I cant tell if shes hugely into me so dont want to risk doing something silly when ill be living with her for the forceable future.

I thought of a lot of different best/worst case scenarios and came to the conclusion just to play it safe and do nothing for now atleast but then the next day im in a completely different frame of mind and thinking I should do something.

There really is a lot to consider and weighing out the pros against the cons hasnt helped at all really and I dont think coming here for advice would.

At best youll end up in a great relationship with someone you really like and be delighted you made the decision you made but then the other side is you mess things up fall out and end up with an awkward atmosphere in the house or one of you move out.

Good luck with your decision!

LegacyUser

OP here

I know that a follow up post is not necessary in PI but felt like writing to let those of you who gave me advice know how it panned out

So last night I decided to just let him know how I feel. I actually didn't decide to tell him, the conversation just managed to naturally go in that direction and I then decided that it was as good a time as any to bring it up and I was never a fan of just pouncing on him as I was worried that if I did that it could lead to more awkwardness - I had definitely wanted to talk about it first.

So as it turns out - he does like me too. However, my thoughts on men being more logical than women regarding these types of situations was spot on and he is not interested in starting up anything with a room mate. I'm pretty gutted about this, but at least now I know where I stand. He did say that he would be open to casual sex but although I would love to jump his bones I'm not interested in this as I know I'm not the kind of girl that can separate sex from feelings.

I'm feeling a little awkward today, but nowhere near as awkward as I would be feeling if I had've hopped on him!! He was very drunk when I told him last night, and I'm not even sure if he remembers the conversation - I'm hoping that he doesn't!! But he was a gentleman about the whole thing last night and if he does remember the conversation he is being just as gentleman-like about it all today.

Overall, I'm proud of myself for just coming out with it and putting myself out there. So it didn't work out the way I wanted and I'm crazy disappointed about it, much more so than the tone of this post would suggest, but hey, that's life and at least I still get to look at him every day AND keep him as a good friend!!

Ickle Magoo

Sorry things didn't work out, OP.

As you no longer require advice, I'll lock this thread.