How to get rid of this persona I've created?

LegacyUser

This may be a bit of a strange one. It's very confusing & upsetting for me at the moment & I'd love some of boardsie's help with it.

I've struggled with very low self esteem, very low confidence and always looked to others to make me feel good about myself since I was a teenager. I spent most of my twenties in a deep depression, only recently getting professional help.
I've had the same close group of friends from secondary school onwards so they say me through the bad times and the more recent good times.
I remember my friend once telling me that, "no one wants to be around a miserable person." I took these words as gospel, and while trying to pull myself out of my depression myself, I pretty much created an alter ego.

This person is loud, brash, quick witted, takes the piss out of herself and everyone around her and is quite filthy minded. She comes across as not giving a flying f*ck and is the life and soul of the party. Drinks too much & does too many drugs. Everyone loves her and wants to be her friend.She is one of the lads but never the romantic interest. Non threatening to the group of competitive girls. Everyone warms to her and wants her around. Even has a nickname that everyone calls her by that suits this alter ego perfectly.

I hate this alter ego. I feel so trapped by it. I can see some of the good qualities but, I feel like this person is not who I am. At least not any more. She served her purpose and got me through those hard times. I didn't have to question myself as this person. I wasn't attractive to any men around me (that i knew of) and that suited me fine. I'm so closed off and guarded and afraid to be myself.

I realise now that this alter ego is doing me no good whatsoever. The real me is a lot quieter and calmer. Doesn't want to be the centre of attention and just wants to develop a quiet confidence. She is still loving and caring and interested in all the people around her. She is still quick witted but doesn't want to always take the piss out of herself. She wants to be less guarded and let more people in. She wants to let a guy in at some stage as well.

I'm afraid of losing some friends as well if I'm honest. I feel resentful of them sometimes (unfairly) because I feel they expect me to be this person all the time- for their own reason. One friend told me I was changing and the nice person she used to know had disappeared. I felt so confused because I hated the person she was referring to & just want to be myself. I have started to distance myself from these friends but the minute I'm around them, I revert back to this alter ego. I spent last night crying after I'd met them for dinner. I feel so lonely most of the time.

I've branched out and made a lot of friends in college & work. Most of these friends have either have seen past this huge defence mechanism I've created and they love the real me or have never met this alter ego & love the real me. So I know how good it feels. I just don't know how to break down this barrier to the rest of the world. I use this alter ego mainly when I'm out socialising. It's when I feel my least confident.

I'd love some advice. I have begun talking about this with my counsellor but would love some boardsie's advice.

Sleepy

If your old friends don't like the real you, why are you friends with them?

It doesn't seem as if you're short of friends. When asked if "the nice person she used to know had disappeared" just tell them the truth: she grew up and prefers the person she is now.

OP would you consider online dating outside of your group of friends? It might be a good way to meet someone who is romantically interested in the real you, without this persona. Plus the benefit of online dating is that someone gets to know your personality first. As for meeting friends, boards members do organize a lot of events where you can meet people; I have attended a lot of events, whether they be going to the cinema, out for drinks or even bowling. Check out the Regional forum and see whichever one is relevant to you. Outside of this you can attend classes, take up hobbies - this way you can meet people and slowly try to shed the persona you have created around the people you currently know and test-drive the real you and people you don't.

thefeatheredcat

Your friends you have made in college and work have validated your natural self and that is very, very encouraging. Your confidence in being who you are and being liked and respected for it will help you grow as a person and grow your confidence in being who you really are. Eventually as your confidence blossoms in accepting yourself the confidence you gain will help and assist you to let your guard down and eradicate the false persona over time.

With the persona that masks all your insecurities and issues most people would see through it in time. Your friends that know this persona only know that persona and accepted it and validated it - have they ever looked that bit deeper?

They will notice you change and alter and naturally enough you might find some people falling away or dislike the real you and expect you to be playing your role. In a lot of ways it's safe for them to validate that role because they don't have to deal with the real you and the issues you have and also it gives them a sense of security in having you be that way that makes you less threatening to them not just in terms of competition with guys, but on other levels too, like social, emotional, creative and intellectual intelligence.

Sometimes it can very easy to also lose who and how you are when you become the company that you keep. And hard to break away from it. Particularly when your identity reflects what would be your drinking buddies where only one aspect of you is on display against the actual you where other qualities and other aspects of you are evident. But it is possible if you embrace who you are and love and value yourself and respect yourself for that person. In time you will find a balance and not just reveal to yourself a deeper version of you, but find fulfilling ways to extend beyond it to enjoy a more balanced social life too that embraces who you are without the need to hide behind a false or protective persona.

Miss Fluff

I think you're doing yourself a disservice by referring to a persona or an alter ego. It seems like you're actually just growing up and maturing rather than being some Walter Mitty type. I was pretty wild back in the day too but I don't see myself as a different Miss Fluff back then, more a case of those experiences being part of the rich tapestry that makes me such an interesting person today . Life is full of experiences and various journeys - you're fundamentally the same person you know and any friend who is worth their salt will support any changes you choose to make.

kjl

I think you should have a read of Freud's id, ego and super-ego. I think it would explain a lot to you about who this alter ego is and maybe by knowing what it is you can calm it down.

I was a bit like you, I have a real crazy persona who I show to people I don't know, but there are many layers to me. I found this very helpful to understanding who I am, and has led me to be a much happier person.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego

edellc

Op I know exactly where you are coming from, I had a tough upbringing, fell into a very bad depression when I was a young teenager and hated myself, I had no friends and although I was good in school I hated the people I went to school with

When I went to college I made a pact with myself to be someone else as I hated me and I did it, I was loud, very sexual, and a party animal, a lot of things I am not.I felt it was one big lie and it was and I knew it as when I shut the door when I got home I was me again. However that person served her purpose and let me into a world I had never know, popularity, friends, and the social life was great.....and then I met a man

He fell for me and the lie of a life I had created and I was terrified as I knew that he was the one but I needed to know how I was....we moved in together and the pressure was just intense and one day I broke down and cried my eyes out and told him the truth and guess what he didnt run a mile

He helped me be me around our group of friends and yes many of them disappeared but I didnt give a crap I was being true to me and that was all that matter I was not living a lie anymore

OP your true friends will be with you no matter what, when some past comment on how you have changed, tell them you have grown up thats what happens in life and end the conversation you do not need to explain yourself to anyone who you dont want to....because you dont have a partner like I had then change slowly around your group of friends - when you go out dont do the drugs, or drink to excess, say to yourself before you go out I am going to listen more to conversations tonight rather than be the topic of them with my behaviour, go to the toilet during the nite and give yourself a pep talk if needs be, but if your not drunk or out of it then maybe you will have a better change of controlling your behaviour

best of luck op the hardest part will the first time you meet up with your friends and make that change after that you will wonder why you never done it before

peace and love op x