Being too nice to people?

py2006

Something that I have slowly come to learn as I get a bit older is to stop being nice/friendly to people. That may sound odd.

Growing up I was always the shy, nice guy. In school, college or working environment I always made the effort to be nice to people. Actually, effort is the wrong word, I was just naturally friendly with most. Obviously, there were those I didn't click with. However, it wasn't always a good thing. Reflecting back on some incidents throughout, I often cringe and at times get really angry or upset with myself.

While lots of people appreciate a decent, nice guy there are some that for whatever reason see it as an open invitation to treat you disrespectfully, to openly lie about you, say what they want to you etc.

I went through some particularly awful experiences with people (men and women) in this regard particularly in the work place. It got me really down and it took a long while to realise that I was partially at fault as I think sometimes we give off this signal where a certain type of person (usually the arrogant, obnoxious type) see it fit to take advantage.

Don't get me wrong, I was never a complete whimp and I wasn't a complete pushover by any stretch of the imagination and in extreme circumstances I have exploded on certain people but my persona gave the impression that I was to some people.

At the time of these incidents I just accepted it and only really coped on later that day what actually happened which left me feeling angry with myself for not reacting and with them for what they did.

On occasion, I would be approached by other people who would inform me that these individuals were just nasty and have mistreated others and that brought some comfort. But I always seemed to attract these people.

Today, I am not as bad as I was and I have learnt to spot these incidents and react appropriately. Best reaction/response is distancing yourself and/or excluding those people rather than going ape sh1t.

I'd be interested to hear how you guys feel about this. Have you experienced this kind treatment? Do you attract the bullying type that like to use you to enhance their ego and self worth?

Tom Cruise

I was the same when i was in school now i am the type of person that does not care what people think of me and usually just tell people i dont like to F-OFF.I think its like a dog pack if you are wagging your tail and being friendly like a cocker spanial you get no where.If you are like a Rottie and stand there and take no **** but are strong and loyal to good people in your like then you succeed.
Unfortunatly nice guys finish last.There are nasty people that see people being nice as a sign of weakness

Emzyxoxo

Hey py2006, reading this I can defo say this has happend me on a numerous of occasions! I have always tried to be nice and friendly around people and even in school i was always very polite, beause of this i got refused a job in the school summer camp just because the teacher who ran it got the impression I wasnt confident enough as I usally didnt stand up for myself and just let people take advantage of me too many times, and you know what? she is right! those who shout the loudest really do get the most in life, I am the type of person who gives everyone a chance and the benefit of the doubt and on so many occasions I have been backstabbed, especailly on one occasion in particular where I placed complete trust in someone and they betray me and made me feel like I was at fault and everyone could see it except for me, so I give up and im always gonna be more cautious from now and start standing up for myself, as the saying goes, know many, trust few, and always paddle your own canoe! Hope this helps! your not alone beleive me!

CrackisWhack

Ye, the only time i've really noticed these type of people is in the work place, people being disrespectful to others etc, there's always people politics in your working life. I wouldn't let it bother me tbh, i've just come to the conclusion, that theres quite a large % of the population with personality disorders, their problem not yours.

bfocusd

I attract leeches, I was similar to yourself until the last year or so, I always treat people nice, although some people immediately think everyone is out to get them and they treat people they dont even know like dirt.

One so called friend in particular, I've realised after almost 5 years a pattern of her only making contact when she wants something, or someone to listen to how sh!t her life is..
Even though she asks for it, if there isn't drama in her life she's not happy.
One of the things that made me really dislike her is she commented on every single thing I ate, how bad it was and how it was destroying my body, yet she would eat pot noodles all the time and have 3 little packs of salt on everything! I even stopped drinking fizzy drinks to shut her up, but she would be out of her nut on wine and it wasn't bad.

I've not spoke to her in a few months now after the most pathetic falling out, I asked a question she didn't like and is now ignoring me, which im just realising now us the best thing to happen, im much happier and do my own thing without her bolloxology constantly in my ear!

Had a similar friend who is extremely fake, and the most greedy person I've ever known, money is all that matters, I've often bought lunch as she was too broke and promised a pay back, yet she was on 15k more than me, until she got a paycut and I got a rise.. It was hilarious listening to her cribbing about money, yet she buys a 6k car two weeks later!

Long story short, look out for number one and don't listen to attention seekers!

Logical Fallacy

I'll be nice to be people who deserve it. The second I figure someone for an asshole I'll have a chat with them to try and heal the rift and if that doesn't work then **** em, move on.

sharper

I think the trick is to acknowledge you act a certain way which may in turn encourage others to behave a certain way.

I don't think it's possible to be "too nice" but it is quite possible to be "too selfless" and/or to have unrealistic expectations of reciprocation (which with some people any reciprocation will be unrealistic).

It's important to not let yourself feel out of control, trapped by the needs and expectations of others for your help. If you're the one helping then you're the one in control. If someone is a leech on your energy then drop them.

There's nothing especially wrong with wanting to help people nor with wanting to be something positive in people's lives, there are people out there that appreciate that and unfortunately you have to separate some wheat from some chaff in order to find them.

Larianne

I consider myself to be a nice and friendly person. But I won't take shít from people and I avoid negative or drama causing people.

You can say 'No' to someone and still be a nice person. Those aggressive type people will just find someone else to annoy and will leave you alone.

You can also choose your friends. You can tell someone to bog off if they ain't treating you like one.

These situations shouldn't make you a less nice or friendly person. There's millions of assholes out there. When you spot one, just avoid them.

py2006

CrackisWhack wrote: »

Ye, the only time i've really noticed these type of people is in the work place, people being disrespectful to others etc, there's always people politics in your working life. I wouldn't let it bother me tbh, i've just come to the conclusion, that theres quite a large % of the population with personality disorders, their problem not yours.

I detest office politics. One thing I have learned is that life is a game and you must play it to survive. Even though its largely wrong.

uberalles

Beware of "so called" friends who throw rocks at you

py2006

Larianne wrote: »

I consider myself to be a nice and friendly person. But I won't take shít from people and I avoid negative or drama causing people.

You can say 'No' to someone and still be a nice person. Those aggressive type people will just find someone else to annoy and will leave you alone.

You can also choose your friends. You can tell someone to bog off if they ain't treating you like one.

These situations shouldn't make you a less nice or friendly person. There's millions of assholes out there. When you spot one, just avoid them.

I agree but it is not always wise to tell work colleagues where to go. They could make life very difficult for you depending on their position and indeed yours.

Another problem I find is that when you want an arsehole to **** off but you say it without a song and dance you're told you're being "passive aggressive". Apparently the only way to do be "straightforward" is to have a big hullabaloo about it.

Sauve

py2006 wrote: »

I agree but it is not always wise to tell work colleagues where to go. They could make life very difficult for you depending on their position and indeed yours.

Absolutely. I have a similar battle going on at the minute and I have no choice but to play nice. If I have a go at the person in question, the repercussions would be brutal. I hate having to be false, but sometimes it's just impossible.

Handsome Bob

I used to be too nice, mainly because I hated confrontation. I've learnt to embrace conflict though and depending on how you go about it, it'll gain you more respect both professionally and in your personal life.

One or two people have told me that I've turned into a dickhead, but these were people who I used to be a doormat for.

ongarboy

I find a fair number of posters on various Boards threads often appear to associate and confuse "nice" with being a doormat which is an unfortunate comparison. You can be an assertive, confident person and still be nice. Just because you fight for what you believe in or stand up for yourself does not make you nasty, self absorbed or selfish.

Guys often say girls have no interest in them or they can't establish relationships because they are too nice or that mates/others have less respect for them because they are too nice. Again, it's down to such guys being doormats or easily walked upon (not attractive traits for someone looking for a partner who is confident which is what most people want in a mate) rather than the fact you are a kind, considerate (ie nice) person. Always letting the other person have their way does not automatically make you the nice guy but an easy target. Constantly bailing someone out financially or letting others getting away with things isn't down to you being too nice but rather you being a pushover.

I don't think I would knowingly let anyone take advantage of me and I would always challenge something if I perceive it to be unfair or wrong but I would still consider myself to be "nice", meaning generous without being a mug, considerate and showing empathy of others feelings.

Anyone feeling they have a problem with being too nice should instead focus on being more assertive and remain "nice"!

comeback_kid

CrackisWhack wrote: »

Ye, the only time i've really noticed these type of people is in the work place, people being disrespectful to others etc, there's always people politics in your working life. I wouldn't let it bother me tbh, i've just come to the conclusion, that theres quite a large % of the population with personality disorders, their problem not yours.

those same people often have the comapany owners back , a lot of employers are pretty spineless around workplace bullies

leahyl

I'm totally like that - I'm not assertive enough. I'm a lot better than I was but still not 100% there. I just hate confrontation and tension especially in the workplace but I've come to realise what people are like now - the 'cuteness' of some people in other words. Most people are just out for themselves and suit themselves so I'm like "feck it I'm going to do the same" cos I've been let down in the past and I think it's mainly because I'm too nice.

I can't understand some people nowadays - they are just me me me the whole time. I like to try and get on with most people but it's not always possible.

I work mainly with women and god are they bitches (I'm female myself btw)! It's hard being nice sometimes - it's like everyone thinks you're being fake which couldn't be further from the truth with me. I like everyone to get along:o

Jaafa

If you let me I'll be the nicest person you've ever met, but screw me over once and it's game over.
I make sure to give people zero reason to be disrespectful, dishonest or otherwise unfriendly to me.
In doing so I ensure that if someone does behave in that manner to me, I'll be completely justified in ending whatever friendship/relationship/partnership it is we have, and with a clear conscience too.
No worrying about 'oh well maybe it was my fault'. I prefer things to be clear cut.

Obviously they're are some exceptions, for example if a long time friend makes a poorly thought out comment or something like that, but in general the above is the rule I like to go by.

sharper

leahyl wrote: »

I can't understand some people nowadays - they are just me me me the whole time. I like to try and get on with most people but it's not always possible.

Exactly, it's just not possible to get along with everyone. If you try to avoid conflict with everyone then you'll actually end up in conflict with everyone since you won't appear to have any consistency or principles.

There are plenty of people out there that will take everything you have to give and ask for more. Some know what they're doing and others just have that experience of the world - people always wanting to do things for them - so they think that's how it is.

If helping someone out makes you happy go for it. Helping someone out with the silent expectation of something in return (as sometimes happens with guys and girls) is rightly considered not very nice at all.

Larianne

Larianne wrote: »

I consider myself to be a nice and friendly person. But I won't take shít from people and I avoid negative or drama causing people.

You can say 'No' to someone and still be a nice person. Those aggressive type people will just find someone else to annoy and will leave you alone.

You can also choose your friends. You can tell someone to bog off if they ain't treating you like one.

These situations shouldn't make you a less nice or friendly person. There's millions of assholes out there. When you spot one, just avoid them.

What she said - all of it! that's me too

py2006

Sauve wrote: »

Absolutely. I have a similar battle going on at the minute and I have no choice but to play nice. If I have a go at the person in question, the repercussions would be brutal. I hate having to be false, but sometimes it's just impossible.

I know where you are coming from. I limit my dealings with that person as much as I can.

I recall a particular madam in an old job who went out of her way to display are dislike for me. My response was to be overly nice to her in an exaggerated way. It annoyed the hell out of her!

Northclare

I find by totally ignoring those social vampires is the best way forward.
I had an issue with someone in work who was constantly challenging me or tutting every time I was in her vicinity.
We were both on the same team.
One day I just decided to detach myself 100% from her, I did not even look at her.
I used to walk past every day and look straight over her I'd salute everyone but not her.
This went on for 2 years till she snapped one day in work LOL and it all came out in front of our supervisor.
It drove her bananas because the power was gone.
It was HR who told me I need never mix or talk to her unless it was work related because all the **** I got from her in the past was outside opinions.
In the past we could be all discussing any subject about our weekends or likes dislikes etc but she was the only one out of the team of five who would belittle me or roll her eyes or tut when I had my say.
Anyway when she had her episode in work 2 year's after I totally ignored her, I just turned around to the supervisor and said "that's why I don't have anything to do with her" I got a round of applause from the rest of the staff nobody liked her LOL
She is very wary of me now and I still look over her.
Total detachment is the only way

Northclare

Oh yeah I tried my best to get on with her before I went cold Turkey but it only made her worse.

py2006

Northclare wrote: »

Anyway when she had her episode in work 2 year's after I totally ignored her, I just turned around to the supervisor and said "that's why I don't have anything to do with her" I got a round of applause from the rest of the staff nobody liked her LOL
She is very wary of me now and I still look over her.
Total detachment is the only way

Would love to have witnessed that.

26going80

firstly i want to say my whole life has been episode over episode of stuff that yer talking about
and i wont go into it now..
what i do want to know some of ye have said "detachment", some of ye have said "play the game"
some have said just look past the person, and i would loved to have seen that too "clareman"

but my question is, is there any assertiveness courses or personal development courses that make us
naturally confident and strong?

and then we wouldnt have to play the games.. your persona, probably posture and everything else that currently exudes softness and an eager willing to please will have changed??

Hedgemeister

Wherever a group of your workmates gather (more than two) and someone says something nice about you, you can bet your bottom dollar one of that group will disagree, making a remark like " You might think so, but you don't know the whole story," and then refuse to be drawn on what they meant...the remark is left just hanging there, as if there was a semblance of truth in it, as if they know some dark hidden secret about you.

Irish people have many nasty traits, and one is hating people just because they are popular, especially in the workplace. You're seen as a threat, or that you might gain promotion over them at some future time.

I was a victim of this type of asshole many moons ago, and there was nothing at all I could do about it.
Eventually, and if it's said often enough, folks will begin to believe you have some dark hidden secrets, which is BS of course, but believe it they will - because deep down they want to.

Handsome Bob

26going80 wrote: »

but my question is, is there any assertiveness courses or personal development courses that make us
naturally confident and strong?

and then we wouldnt have to play the games.. your persona, probably posture and everything else that currently exudes softness and an eager willing to please will have changed??

I always found that you can't be "taught" assertiveness. I'm coming from a background where having assertiveness is really one of the essentials in making a career for yourself, and often people would asked to be sent on assertiveness courses.

But often I found that a lot of these people would come back from these courses with a new sense of aggressiveness rather a sense of assertiveness, and for me, the two are quite different.

Assertiveness shouldn't be made complicated and it's as simple as saying "no" to an unreasonable request. It's not about raising your voice or putting on a "tough" face. For me, it was something I just had to pick up through experience and it was never something that I could learn in a course.

Apologies for the rambling, I guess I'm just trying to say be careful in how interpret assertiveness. :pac:

mikemac1

I recognize a lot of this

Mainly in the workplace

I've had plenty of jobs, factory floor, bar work and offices

And in every job I played the martyr.
"If I help everyone therefore they will like me"

Pure nonsense.
All that happened was I got left with the donkey work while others swanned around and then inevitably you get bitter and resentful.

Had one asshole of a team leader constantly picking on me and shouting at me but he was friends with lots of others.

I didn't recognize what was going on, I keep trying to better and better at the job.
I thought it was my fault I got shouted at, if I am the best then he'll have no reason to do it, I deserve to get shouted at right now. Self esteem on the floor.

Never said no to anyone, always tried to take ownership of other peoples problems and soon I got swallowed in stress and even further behind.

Yeah, a lot of truth in this thread
I thought I was a nice helpful chap. In reality I was a doormat and I didn't get respect for always helping, instead I became an easy target for the assholes that exist in any company

I learned some lifes lessons and no more

26going80

SdSOUSA:
ok that is a fair and valid opinion... and thank you for that..

yes in a perfect world no should be enough and most times it is...
personally speaking and probably speaking for most of the people on this tread, but its not always about someone asks you a straight question and you can say no... its jokes , insinuations, being twofaced, favouring others, comments, etc...


what is it that makes us want to be liked so much that we say yes to everyone? and how can we eradicate this softness?

im the type of person in work that if any body says something to me joking(which is generally not too personal or bad) everyone always laughs what annoys me is this is constant,and obviously theres loads more but i wont go into it here.. i finally slagged one of them back on his own and next thing he came out with" well no one takes you seriously anyways"

so that was the answer to me that i always knew, then from that point on which was couple months ago i just talk to the select few and keep it quick..

so my next question been, is maybe been abit aggressive abit assertive 50/50 better than been a walk over in your opinion?

Ya can't please everyone. My combination of not giving a **** what others think of me and generally low-key disposition means that my assertiveness simply means a coupla of no's or if someone decides to try to twist it to call me passive-aggressive because I don't cause a hullabaloo when someone gets on my nerves.

Wollwead

Oh i love some of the responses here and just had to reply!

I'm in a company several years now, the first 4 ofwhich were spent being talked down to by my line manager (he talks down to everyone in his control) and the GM has/had a "you're old enough to deal with it" attitude. I never officially complained about it but that man made me think some really nasty things, i couldnt even mention his name without being annoyed atone point!

Anyway, long story short is that I had a massive argument with him over the way i was doing a part of my job recently, i was so annoyed i considered hitting him, but just decided to stick my finger in his face, told him not to speak to me like a dog and walked out of his office leaving him fuming because i didnt take thebate of exchanging words with him. He, since the altercation is nothing but polite to me, whilst still bullying the other people who report to him. Sometimes you gotta get borderline nasty ro some people that are just plain evil. Hes one of only a small amount of people i had to take that approach with. Other people have left the company because of him and if we werent in the depths of recession there would have been some more recent departures. Some of my other colleagues unfortunately can't see the error in their ways, they give him far too much respect and he does not give it back.

astonaidan

I went from being the quiet shy guy for my first 3 years of secondary school, being picked on by others till they dropped out in 4th year, only then I started getting confidence in myself, in 6th year got into a fight over something stupid as hell but the principle let me away with it because he knew I wasnt the one who would start a fight.

After leaving school I guess i became arrogant had got tall, good at sports reasonably good looking, got the whole I couldnt give a fcuk who you are attitude so the clicks of my local town generally didnt like me.

It was when I was playing soccer in a local mess about when one of the lads thought I was still the same quiet lad from 3rd year even though 10 years had passed and he thought he could get away with kicking me and just laughing that I flipped if it wasnt for my brother stopping me I would have seriously hurt him.

For some reason people saw me as aggressive when the only fight Ive been in my life was the school one and losing my temper on a tool, basically my competitve attitude at sports was being said to be me in everyday life which couldnt be further from the truth, but I didnt care as I considered and still consider it to be a small minded town.

So decided to travel to Australia where I met so much people like me, the type who are into sports fantasy just more opened minded, but it was when I came home, a girl I know told me how much chilled out I had become and how everyone was saying it, getting smiles from people I dont know.

So I came to the conclusion that I really was displaying the whole pissed off at the town face everytime people saw me. So basically I think I did the full wheel, where I went from being quiet, like possibly the quietest kid ever in the school to becoming someone who people didnt like because I was arrogant, to now where Ive become calmer and more open, well I havent been tested by a idiot yet so that might change :pac:

To be honest I do not find the OP rings true to me at all. I find it hard to really understand where it is coming from given it is protrayed in vague terms with no real examples. What is there however I find hard to relate to on any level. I think ongarboy was closest to my own position here. I do not think being "nice" is synonymous with being a "Door mat" and I do not see being nice and being self assertive as being mutually exclusive on any level at all.

Perhaps the divide lies where people compromise themselves in order to fall over themselves being "nice". I think we can all be nice while still being true to who we are and what we ourselves want. Respecting others begins with respecting oneself.

Perhaps therefore the solution is not to be "less nice" to people but to ensure that while being just as nice, or even more so perhaps, that you always keep an eye focused on yourself, your self respect, and not compromising who you are and what you want?

I have gone well out of my way to be "nice" to people in the past, including the big two things which tend to shock people - of when I picked 4 random people in the airport during the big snow that stranded people over Christmas and invited them for Christmas dinner and weekend in my house - and the recent wedding gift I gave a friend which involved taking a year or training, a lot of money, and then two weeks out of holiday allocation in order to implment - but I was doing these things as much for myself as for them and at no point did I compromise myself or lie down and act like a doormat.

We can be "nice" without compromising ourselves. We can also continue to be "nice" in the fact of those that take advantage of us and refuse to allow their poor actions change who and what we ourselves are. If you be "less nice" because of them then you are not being true to who you are and you are letting them win. As the old saying goes "Never let the bastards grind you down".