Still difficult

LegacyUser

Hi all, I've read all your messages - it's so nice to share a piece of someone who isn't here anymore.
My mum died when i was young, i don't really remember her. She was sick a long time and i guess being young i didn't really know too much of what was going on. i find it hard not knowing her. I'm at the age now when lots of my friends have babies and i see how they are with their babies and i wonder was my mum like that with me. We never really talk about her as a family. my dad remarried and i feel quite lonely now, like i have no home. sometimes when i am in the supermarket i hear girls on the phone ringing their mums asking advice about recieps and stuff and my heart aches because i have never known that. i wonder would we be close and if she would love me. it's so hard because you feel silly saying you miss someone who is gone so long and like you should be over it. and i am, i probably bounced back quite well but now that i am older i want to know more about her and i can't ask anyone.
anyway, sorry for rambling. it just still hurts and i feel so hard done by. i wonder if i have kids will i know how to love them properly because i didn't have a mum.

Ickle Magoo

Hey there it's hard,

As you have some questions, I thought you may benefit from some advice/empathy on your post so I've given you your own thread.

All the very best. :cool:

banie01

Hi O.P,
1st of all let me say I'm sorry for your loss
You are in a situation now that is my biggest fear for my own son.
He's 8 now and his mam died suddenly 5yrs ago, 2 weeks after his 3rd birthday.
I'm very luck though in so far that he has great memories of his Mam, and these are memories that I always try to keep fresh for him...
Whenever something sparks one of these thoughts for him, we talk about it, I tell him stories about his mam and share my memories too.....
This is because I want him to remember his Mam, in his way...
Not through some vicarious memories of someone else.
I want him to remember that his Mam was here, that we shared love and that he comes from our shared love and that yes...
It sucks that she's not here, but its not her fault, she died, we are here and although we can't live in the past.
That won't stop us remembering what we've lost.

I'm lucky in sofar as I have good support from my family and friends in this...
But events and occasions, like birthdays and my son's upcoming communion are very hard for me....
Shopping for his clothes without his Mam(Who loved her fashion) is actually one of the hardest things I've ever had to do....
But and this sounds a bit silly maybe even a little morbid.....
We included her, we talked about how much she would love to be there, and for his communion I dug out her old communion missal and he will use that on his big day so that some of his Mam will be with him in spirit and tangibley too.

I'm sorry your Dad and you don't talk a lot about your Loss and your Mam.
It's a very 'Irish' way of dealing with becoming a widower.
Its to avoid the pain that comes with talking about the loss and burying that pain under a layer of machismo and progress, because even nowadays too many men feel that grief is a weakness
And many seem to think that putting our heads down and powering through will drag everyone else with us and we can ignore the grief from our 'new' place in life.
That if we can at least project the image of being 'ok' that shur then everyone else will be too.
Its also very hard to talk to our kids sometimes about their lost parent sometimes for a simple and incredibly selfish reason.
Sometimes having those talks is a painful and horrible reminder of not just the person ye have lost.
But also of the future that the widower has been robbed of, the plans that will never be.
I know myself from forcing myself to have those talks with our son, and from talking to others in support groups how hard many find it.
I found it hard not just because I missed his Mam, but also because he is so like her.
He has her looks and so many mannerisms that early on sometimes it was hard to cope with!
But he is his own person, an amalgam of us both.
I and others often comment on how 'just like his mam' and it does jog a memory or 2 that we will talk about and smile over.
But at that, its important for me that he know's that yeah, he might remind someone of her but that he is his own person, with his own path to take in life.

With your Dads remarriage, that must have been tough on you....
I'm sure your Dad didn't want to replace your Mam, but all too often a Widower feels that a womans influence is needed when he is left parenting alone
And when that new relationship comes about the lost parent is spoken of less
As its easier to focus on the 'now' than remember the past and in fairness to your Dad and Stepmom.
Its never easy to compete with a memory, or the ghosts of love.
And all too often that part of a widowers past is boxed away to save a new partner from pain we fear to inflict...and avoiding that pain causes other problems down the road, like 'we never talk about it' and so on.

My son and i talk of his Mam often, but I also have a big memory box for him, It has everything from loveletters me and his mam wrote each other, to photo's her friends let me have, ticket stubs from holidays and movies, her jewellry and even some old perfume, so he can get a feel of how other people knew her too and what was important to 'us'
But I hope you know, that its not too late to ask your Dad to talk about your Mam?
Ask her friends, your Aunts, Uncles, Elder Siblings anyone who knew her to share some stories of her....

Get to know her through them, but remember this....
She is gone, it hurts and its not fair, but your Dad most likely did the best he knew how to, to make you the person you are today....
He may have made mistakes, but he acted out of love for you
I know I've rambled a bit here, but I'm trying to give you something of an insight into how it went for your Dad aswell as offering my condolences and advice to you...
Have an internet hug
And be strong! I'm sure your Mother is proud of the person you've become and will be prouder still as you go through life.
And when they time comes for you to be a Mam ...Of course you will know how to love them
Maybe even a little better than most because because your love has been tempered by a loss, and maybe that loss can lead you to love without fear.