How can moving home as a child affect you?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I know people cant give professional advice here, but Im just wondering is it possible people could point me in the right direction regarding this issue.

Or even if you had your own story itd be nice to have someone else to relate to.

Basically between the age of 4 and around 11 I moved 5 times to different counties. I absolutely detested it every time , Im starting to wonder was it a bit more traumatic than I had originally thought. While I had a very loving kind family, and I never had too much trouble making friends, memories of my childhood seem very dark/melancholic. Since as long as I can remember I have enjoyed my own company, often too much for my own good.

I have some great friends, and am very happy for the most part,I did alot of mental and philosophical work to improve my own happiness and its payed off, but this issue seems to keep bubbling up. I seem very prone to being alone, I rarely go out with women, I never want to spend too long with friends before wanting to be alone again (unless im drinking with them or whatever), on the outside Im a social reasonably bubbly happy bloke, on the inside Im quite deep and feel most at ease on my own.

Perhaps they are 2 unrelated issues (being on my own and moving as a child), but I cant help but think they are related.

If anyone has similar stories (even if they go against what I said, Id be curious to read them) or any advice, even advice on the kind of person I could talk to regarding this Id be very grateful.
Thanks

Sleepy

I had two big moves as a child (aged 6 and 13) and they certainly had an effect on me. It left me feeling rather root-less and lacking a place I could really call "home". On the flipside, the move at 13 moved me to a part of the country I'd far prefer than either of the others, I'm glad I grew from a teenager to an adult there but I'd prefer to have been "born and bred" there as even after a decade of living there and having formed life-long friendships I often felt like something of an outsider.

Then again, who's to say I still wouldn't have felt like an outsider? My personality is certainly at odds with a lot of what makes up the "norm" in Ireland. Was it the moving around that did that? Or was it innately just in me? That's back to the nature vs. nurture argument and tbh, it's not worth worrying about. I am what I am regardless of how I became this way so I've just learned to live with myself!

Torakx

I might have the record for moving houses growing up,without living in a caravan lol
And i do believe it taught me too well how to manage on my own.

I think before age 18 i had moved to something like 14 different houses amongst maybe 3-5 different counties and then my parents emmigrated to spain for 8 years when i was 18 and i carried on my apprenticeship in Ireland.
I ended up living in 3 other counties and spain for a year before i ended up back in dublin for the last 5 years now.
I think 5 years would be about the longest i have stayed anywhere.

I feel like i have no home, i dont visit my family much at all.And have become way too independant.
I want to do everything for myself all the time, even if i need help.
I will only ask when i have no choice.
I learned to lose myself in books after we moved to a new place.
And so it has helped me to learn english, a si left school at 16,most of my higher english is self taught,hence some dodge speelling and dyslexic looking typing lol


It seems to me that so far the three of us posting about moving alot, have become introverted.
Maybe not a coincedence.

I have many other habits built up from living like this i think too.
They are too many to post here though.
Sometimes i dont know wether to blame my issues on my past growing up or from being ill and depressed for all of my 20's.

Taltos

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jellygems

by the time i was 19 i had moved with my family over 25 times, sometimes even living in a caravan. went to many different schools

for me i know it got to the stage i stopped making frnds cos i felt there was no point. i find it hard sometimes to mix with others

moving so much did leave me with this tho, i bought this house im living in now at 23, my kids were born in this house, they go to one school and have lots of frnds and they will live here till they move out!! 7 years is the longest ive stayed in the one place and its the first time in my entire life ive felt like i have a home

LegacyUser

My example isn't quite the same, OP. But it has left a lasting effect on me.

When I was 16, my mother moved from our childhood home. None of us even knew we were moving - I was on a school camp at the time. I got back from the camp, only to find my entire family had gone. I was literally on the street with only the clothes I stood up in and my luggage. Neighbours couldn't help as they didn't know where my family had moved to.

Eventually, I stayed with my best friend and her family whilst my family were located. It took a week to find them.

My mother still lives in that house. I never saw it as home, and hate visiting there. I was kicked out at 18 and left to fend for myself. I was homeless for a month, and again had to stay with my friend and her family while I looked for somewhere to live. I've never really felt settled anywhere since, even though I bought my first home at 22 to try to give myself stability. I always have a fear that I could be out on the street again, even though that's unlikely to happen.

iguana

I was a bit younger than most here when we had our last move but altogether I moved 4 times as child, the main moves being at 3 and just before I turned 8. I can honestly say it had very little effect on me. I think the main reason for that was that my parents were very good at accentuating the positive of everything and each move was a big adventure, that we looked forward to for what seemed like ages before it happened.

A positive of it is that it may have made me more flexible as an adult. I have moved 7 times in the last 10 years and I find it very, very easy to immediately be at home wherever I live. I don't particularly like moving but with this economy I'm very glad it's something I can do with little emotional upheaval. I put down roots where I am but if I need to move I can transfer those roots to the new house almost before I even move.

Torakx

Apologies! post edited.
Too used to discussions.I will take a break.

Thoie

movedalot wrote: »

Basically between the age of 4 and around 11 I moved 5 times to different counties. I absolutely detested it every time , Im starting to wonder was it a bit more traumatic than I had originally thought. While I had a very loving kind family, and I never had too much trouble making friends, memories of my childhood seem very dark/melancholic. Since as long as I can remember I have enjoyed my own company, often too much for my own good.

Not sure if this is really relevant, but my family moved a couple of times when I was a kid. I never really gave it any thought, but my older sister brought it up recently, and she seemed to feel things might be "better" if we hadn't moved.

movedalot wrote: »

I have some great friends, and am very happy for the most part,I did alot of mental and philosophical work to improve my own happiness and its payed off, but this issue seems to keep bubbling up. I seem very prone to being alone, I rarely go out with women, I never want to spend too long with friends before wanting to be alone again (unless im drinking with them or whatever), on the outside Im a social reasonably bubbly happy bloke, on the inside Im quite deep and feel most at ease on my own.

On the other hand I sound more like you - I actively enjoy being alone, and find it's a strain spending prolonged periods of time with others. I've never given a second thought to having moved house, and would be inclined to class them as two separate things, but then again, I'm just a random internet person, so could be completely wrong

Ickle Magoo

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Flashgordon197

You are probably a highly sensitive person (this is not a negative term) and they tend to like their own company for obvious reasons. I moved around quite a bit and you do become more self reliant-nothing wrong with that unless you over do it.
Have you ever talked to someone professionally? There is a group on DAILY STRENGTH for HSP if you have that condition but do some research first.

Sleepy

iguana wrote: »

I was a bit younger than most here when we had our last move but altogether I moved 4 times as child, the main moves being at 3 and just before I turned 8. I can honestly say it had very little effect on me. I think the main reason for that was that my parents were very good at accentuating the positive of everything and each move was a big adventure, that we looked forward to for what seemed like ages before it happened.

A positive of it is that it may have made me more flexible as an adult. I have moved 7 times in the last 10 years and I find it very, very easy to immediately be at home wherever I live. I don't particularly like moving but with this economy I'm very glad it's something I can do with little emotional upheaval. I put down roots where I am but if I need to move I can transfer those roots to the new house almost before I even move.

I think the moves you make in later childhood have more of an impact. The move we had when I was 6 was a giant adventure much like you describe. At 13, the move had a massive impact on me since I was at an age where my own social circles were starting to move away from those of my parents and school-mates, taking first steps towards relationships with girls etc. Moving at that age set back a lot of things for me: first kiss / girlfriend etc.

LegacyUser

I can see why it had so much impact from these posters and you OP growing up. But for me I enjoyed moving around. The longest I stayed somewhere was to complete my university degree. I took moving around as an adventure even into my teens. I lived in over 8 countries and many counties but I found this experience made me the very autonomous and resilient person I am today. I had met people along the way that moved around a lot and it did have a greater impact on their lives growing up. One in particular is angry at his father over it. He personally felt that his father cared more about his job and making money than just settling in one place. His father thought he was doing everyone a favour by keeping the family unit together, but he and his sister felt the opposite. They thought it would have been better to settle one place with their mam and the father came back for visits. Children need and crave stability. I think when they move often they lose that and a sense of control over their lives because they cannot make decisions regarding that.

I was fortunate to be a social person and did make some good friends during my moves. I still keep contact with them. Tbh, I love my independence, adventure and freedom. But I will not lie. even though I love moving around it does make it difficult when it comes to forming more intimate relationships. I have a hard time maintaining one and once I sense the other person becomes clingy I would break it off. I come to realise that they were not clingy, they wanted to get closer. For me it is very hard to sit still and get cabin fever if I am in the same place too long. I definitely agree that it is harder to bond friendships. You feel like you have to start over all the time. But this is the excitement I had from these experiences; meeting new and different people. I am not sure if others feel the same but we all react differently to each experience, I suppose.

I moved a few times and I found it really unsettling. The worst move was from England to Northern Ireland when I was 11 and tbh, I wish it had never happened. Moving to a secondary school where I had no idea about the culture, social issues and sectarianism was awful. I went from a state primary school in England, which had all kinds of races, cultures and social backgrounds, to a snobby, cliquey grammar school where I was given a really hard time for having the 'wrong' surname. I was a very mature 11 and right at the age when I was 'finding myself' and settling in in England when I moved. I never really ever settled down and I still feel totally ill at ease. When people ask where I'm from, I have no idea what to say. Northern Ireland definitely isn't home for me, but I spent so long outside England that I lost touch with everything here as well.

I suppose a positive thing would be that I find it easy to move around and I've lived in a number of countries in the last few years. I'm very open to learning new languages and making friends from different countries. But it's really tough not having a place to call home. My Irish friends travel for a while and then they go 'home' whereas I have no idea where I'm ever going to settle down.

I think the older you are, the worse at is. 7-8 or younger and it doesn't make much difference, IMO. When you get into the adolescent stage, which can be as young as 10 or 11 for some kids (I was very developed physically and mentally at that age), it can be very traumatic.

Procrastastudy

Sounds like you are pretty normal and just like your own company. No man is an Island but personally I like floating off fairly regularly.

I wish you luck.

Daisy M

Abandoned Teen wrote: »

My example isn't quite the same, OP. But it has left a lasting effect on me.

When I was 16, my mother moved from our childhood home. None of us even knew we were moving - I was on a school camp at the time. I got back from the camp, only to find my entire family had gone. I was literally on the street with only the clothes I stood up in and my luggage. Neighbours couldn't help as they didn't know where my family had moved to.

Eventually, I stayed with my best friend and her family whilst my family were located. It took a week to find them.

My mother still lives in that house. I never saw it as home, and hate visiting there. I was kicked out at 18 and left to fend for myself. I was homeless for a month, and again had to stay with my friend and her family while I looked for somewhere to live. I've never really felt settled anywhere since, even though I bought my first home at 22 to try to give myself stability. I always have a fear that I could be out on the street again, even though that's unlikely to happen.

A parent who would do that to their child does not deserve the name mum or dad. I hope you find the home you are looking for.

tudlytops

because of my father's job, we moved every 2 to 3 years for as long as i can remember, we moved town, county, even country...

It was both fun and hard...

When I was very young i think it was just fun, but as i grow older and had to leave friends behind and eventually boyfriends, it become very very hard and i derailed...

i think it has affected me loads, i can not stay in the same place to long now, i get seriously bored, even desperate to move...

I can not make friendships, i keep people at a distance, i find reasons to not befriend them, or at least to not allow them to get to close.

I now live in the country side, no neighbors, I'm quite happy to go weeks without seeing anyone, but this is not normal in my books.

i know I have loads of attachment issues and BPD, that resulted from my childwood and i am sure directly from the constant moving.

But it wasn't all bad, i was always the new girl in school that everyone wanted to know, there were loads of interesting places and things to do.

But yes i am sure if one keeps on moving their children around it will have an effect on their later live...