Tired of losing to beautiful women

LegacyUser

I'm not a bad looking girl. In fact, I've been called 'cute' a lot in my time. 'Pretty' sometimes. I'm 28, short - about 5' 2 - and pretty curvy with a quite a big bust, about a size ten, approx 9 and a half stone. I have decent features - good skin, thick long hair, which I dye blonde regularly, bright eyes. I make a good effort with makeup and would be quite stylish.

However, I'm no supermodel. I'm fine with that. Or at least I thought I was. But I'm single, bored, and would love to be in a relationship. However, all the men I am attracted to, seem to go for the 'supermodel' type - or at least the noticeably above-average women. I date, but it seems the men who go for me are the ones I'm not attracted to - not that I'm looking for some Ken doll (in fact, overly pretty boys are a turn-off for me), but I always attract the guys that do nothing for me in the attraction stakes. The ones I fall for - typically, good looking but not overly so, usually athletic types with decent features, confident lads - seem to either be happy to get with me and never call me again, or just are never really into me in the first place.

I suppose my most recent experience of this still burns a little. Guy I've known for years in an online sense, we never met - different sides of the country, etc - it just became an online friendship of sorts, but I knew from day one that he was the type of guy I'd fall for. Confident, very sporty, attractive, funny guy, bit of a charmer. He added me on facebook recently and all of a sudden the messages seemed to stop - as if, he took a look at all my pictures and decided 'nah'. I did some fb stalking of my own, his last girlfriend was ridiculously good-looking - platinum blonde, tiny little figure, fake-tanned, tight dresses etc. Girl before that - blonde, tiny, gorgeous...you get the picture.

This all sounds ridiculously fickle, I know. Like I'm some immature 16 year old school girl. I'm actually late twenties and pretty smart, successful and (usually) copped on. I'm no eejit and can hold my own in any conversation. I know that my characteristics as a person are of far greater value than what I look like - even if I am coming across as a complete knob here, I'm actually pretty decent company and have a lot to offer personality-wise. But guys are so visual, I feel that because I'm not a complete knock-out, that doesn't really seem to matter.

I'm just feeling a bit low about this, because I can't change who I'm attracted to but I also can't change how I look in any big sense. I could wear more makeup, dye my hair blonder, maybe lose some weight, but I'll never be the hottest girl in the room and I'm tired of feeling inadequate and 'not good enough' when I meet someone I really like. This is pretty much me at this stage, probably won't change all that much - but it's been a long time since anyone has called me 'beautiful'. It's usually 'hot' by guys that have a clear agenda, look for a bit of fun and then move on with their lives.

Sorry for the ridiculous post. I guess I'm writing here coz I can't imagine ever saying these things out loud, it would just sound insane! I'd love some feedback, especially from guys, and as honest and frank as possible. Does the physical thing always trump a girl's personality, will a really good looking girl always be a more favourable option than a more averagely-pretty girl? I know most lads here will say 'no', but my experience of this in real-life is a lot different to what people say in theory.

LegacyUser

no 2 guys are the same so your likely to get a vast array of answers to your post.

as a guy, i think in the short-term, yes, you are likely to to be 'trumped' by the prettier girls. on a night out, a guy or a girl for that matter doesn't have much info about strangers so looks obviously play a big part.

however, in the longer-term, there's no way on earth would looks have as big a role for me personally. i couldn't go out with someone just for their looks so this is where personality would play a big factor.

you might be surprised but it's the exact same from a guy's perspective. women are just as bad as men for falling for people on looks alone.

your post also is a bit hypocritical.....you say yourself that you are interested in good looking men but when the roles are reversed you are not happy with the way guys go for good looking women. you can't have your cake and eat it!

LegacyUser

If you're in the shallow looks game you're gonna lose to people who look better than you, simple as that.

I'll be really frank, so no internet white knights please.

In the looks department, being slim/toned is extremely important. Usually a girl who is slim and attractive, knows it and also has a strong natural charm and personality (even snobbiness/bitchiness) - which is in itself adds more attractiveness. A girl with less of that is more of a throw-away or just good for a friend.

Some girls are more sexual than others, they hold themselves well, flirt well - this is a big bonus on top of what they potentially have.

So the typical advice is "be yourself" and "you are beautiful" inside and all that jazz

but realistically, if you want to play the looks game, then you gotta hit the gym.

Balmed Out

You do realise how hypocritical you are. On the one hand youre only attracted to good looking athletic guys and on the other hand your complaining that these same guys are shallow enough to be doing the same? You cant state how visual you are and complain that guys are visual then!
Men are not purely visual but you do need to be physically attracted to someone first and after that everything else comes into play. This is the same for most women and definately for you. It seems to me that most people seem to be attracted to people roughly as attractive as they are, are you trying to over reach?

Neyite

prettybutnotprettyenough? wrote: »

... but it's been a long time since anyone has called me 'beautiful'. It's usually 'hot' by guys that have a clear agenda, look for a bit of fun and then move on with their lives.

I picked out this in particular because, it seems to be what catches your notice. A cocky type of guy will tell you that you look beautiful right away- usually for one nighters the chat-up is intense and over-complimentary, and he is looking for a bit of fun, and then move on. You dont realise it, but by needing and accepting this throwaway compliment from a relative stranger you are the one letting the superfical aspect into your encounters.

You focus on the physical both in partners and potential partners and their exes (and finding yourself inferior there). And thats ok if it makes you happy - but your post clearly shows it does not.

I was like this in my early twenties. I had low self esteem, and all I did was compare myself to the taller, thinner, leggier, busty women out there and give myself a crap score. I attracted the gorgeous guys, but not for long. I was just a notch to them, and invariably when they moved on to the next woman I was left feeling worse. Like you, I was convinced that I couldnt help who I was attracted to, but then I eventually had to accept that the common denominator in the equation was me. Somehow I caused it, and it took me a while to figure out how. By me believing the OTT chat up lines these guys I'd only just met used, instead of thinking to myself "he's a bit full of it, sure he met me 5 mins ago" I was the one calling the shots.

Beauty is a strange thing. It really is only skin deep. I find that my perception of male and female beauty has a sliding scale depending on how well I get to know them. Gorgeous girls become uglier in my eyes with every unwarranted bitchy comment. Pretty girls become more beautiful when I see what a kind and sweet person they are inside. Same goes for men. My partner I thought initially was "nice looking" but as I've come to see how he treats the people around him, his attractiveness in my eyes has shot off the scale. To me, he is always the best looking in the room, and vice versa. He sees me as beautiful inside and out.

How can you ask that someone sees you as beautiful, when you refuse to see it yourself? You have to be your biggest fan. Nobody is going to have a better opinion of you if yours is non-existant. I think you need to examine why you want to be percieved as beautful by shallow men who are not interested in caring for your feelings. The right men do find you beautiful, but probably because you give the cocky ones the time of day, you have probably convinced them they havent a snowballs chance in hell.

Torakx

Different people are also attracted to different features and also different features of personality.

Im quite thin but have been with girls who would be well over weight and also girls who were thinner than me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
One might have attracted me with her fun personality and how chilled out, another a beautiful face,another a beautiful smile etc
These were the things that might have first attracted me,but the reason i am single is because at the end of the day even after 2 years, it became obvious there wasnt enough there in common to make me stick around forever.
Being friends first is important to me now.

The guys who see you for your looks alone are simply immature regarding relationships.
Infact i have seen people well into their 30's and 40's still who havent a clue and focus on looks and how they look with a girl on their arm,as if to validate them!
They ussually try to get a really nice car aswell as compensation for lack of something else is my experience.

I havent got much at all,let alone a car...but i am content in myself.
It took me a few relationships to realise this was more important than finding someone who enjoyed sex as much as me.
Sometimes we all get our priorities wrong..and thats fine as long as we grow up.

Your issue is that you are your own worst enemy.
The guys who look at you like an object to use for sex and to validate themselves are quite normal in many respects.Guys can be immature.
In society today i think because of the influence media has, men and women have been more likely to be shallow too and forget what is really a priority.


Live life for yourself.You CANNOT be happy if you are not happy within yourself!
All the blonde dye,fancy dresses etc etc cannot replace a decent helping of self respect and independance.


The best thing i did was take a year or so out for myself to get to know me and to remember to myself that, yes i want a good looking gf, but if she has not got me as a friend she has not got a chance with me.
I dont care if she is Jessica Alba..and im not even kidding!

I have spent 2 years single since i left my last GF and i am happy.
When you are single and moderately ok with that and yourself, you might be ready for a relationship that is real.

I think people who HAVE to have a bf/gf like they are missing out, have to learn to be happy with themselves first,before findng someone else who might end up being there just to help validate their existence.

I have friends who ask me does my gf look good with me.And thinks about how everyone views them,changng clothes appearance,putting books on shelves all for the sake of what everyone else will think about them!
Its extremely neurotic and sad to see.

I have too much self respect,if someone doesnt like somethign about me and it turns them off me..i automatically have no interest in them as a partner..That want just dissapears.

Not all guys are immature or delussional,just like not all girls are.
You just got to find yourself and your wants and then you will know the guys when you meet them.
Take your time with love its tricky

PS. sorry to write moe again.
Alot of the nice guys might not be confident enough to approach the good looking girls.
In my case i am one of those,but sometimes when i see a very good looking girl, it puts me right off.
Because i have a bad habit of thinking she is probably extremely shallow and so i would go for a girl beside her who might look "normal".
So with someone like me..good looks on a girl can be a dissadvantage too!But thats my neurosis

ElleEm

I agree with a lot of what Torakx said.

It was only towards the very end of your post before you actually mentioned who you were. We all had a very clear idea of what you looked like but it seemed like an after thought to mention your personality.

I think you are putting too much emphasis on your looks and the "look" of prospective boyfriends. This could be the thing holding you back. If you are disregarding men who might not fit your perfect guy description, then you could be losing out on meeting someone special.

I always had a "type". Then, one night out, I met a guy who was not my type at all, but we got chatting, and that was it- head over heels!!! I am confident and happy and aware that the beauty of my personality far outweighs any physical beauty I may have. My guy is so beautiful, but I almost looked past him as he didn't fit my usual type. Six years on, and we are still utterly in love. I am a lucky duck!!

You need to loosen up a bit. Stop looking for a guy. Become comfortable in WHO you are. When you think of all your strengths, both physical and personality- wise, be proud of them. Don't follow it with "but I still don't have a boyfriend".

Sappa

From a guys perspective I think you need to cut yourself a break,your stats sound great sorry to be so crude but inmo your probably well above average and you make an effort with your appearance/style.
Plenty of guys would love to meet you

dearg lady

Could it be that your are trying too hard to meet this notion of 'beauty'? It sounds like you have decided what is beautiful and you're doing everything to make yourself fit in with this narrow image of beauty. Perhaps instead you should look at what your own assets are and accentuate them?

prinz

prettybutnotprettyenough? wrote: »

I could wear more makeup, dye my hair blonder, maybe lose some weight...

Tbh I think you have a skewed notion of beauty.

prettybutnotprettyenough? wrote: »

Does the physical thing always trump a girl's personality....

Short answer? No it doesnt.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies and home truths. I guess I needed the reality check.

I honestly never thought about my behaviour as being hypocritical and as hard as that post was to read, I'm appreciate to the poster for pointing it out. It does make me think about this double standard that I seem to be working off: that I go for the 'hot' guys that most girls want, and then feel sorry for myself when they go for the 'hot' girls.

Maybe I am trying to overreach. Truthfully, I don't even know how much I'd have in common with this type of guy. I tend to overlook that part. Maybe I am under-selling myself and the whole premise of a relationship by focusing on looks alone.

I think I'm just so sick of being told I have so much going for myself and yet getting nowhere in my love life. Maybe I've honed in on looks because that seems like the obvious thing to do. I'm quite proud of who I am as a person (despite coming across as a self-obsessed, fickle mess here...!), I've achieved a lot in my life, I've overcome a lot, I've travelled a lot and have a great circle of friends, I get on with virtually everyone and I'm a smart person generally...I suppose I'm just beginning to feel a bit like the female equivalent of your 'nice guy' - it's all there on paper, but guys just don't want to go there in any meaningful way. Or at least the guys I want.

How do I change who I am attracted to? Is it just a matter of giving myself a kick up the aRse and prioritising more than just looks, prioritising the things that are important and looking for those traits in a potential partner?

I'm just so conflicted on this whole issue. On the one hand I feel insecure, unattractive or at least 'average', fat, unworthy...and on the other hand I know I am none of those things and I'm just sick of feeling the need to look a certain way to be someone else's version of 'hot'.

I don't know how to think of myself really and the scary thing is I seem to be getting bitter about it at this stage. Once every so often someone will say something like 'how is a girl like you single' or make some innocuous statement about me being pretty or something and it kickstarts this massive head fcuk in me, with me thinking 'really? Then why does no-one bother with me?'

Neyite wrote: »

I was just a notch to them, and invariably when they moved on to the next woman I was left feeling worse. Like you, I was convinced that I couldnt help who I was attracted to, but then I eventually had to accept that the common denominator in the equation was me....

How can you ask that someone sees you as beautiful, when you refuse to see it yourself? You have to be your biggest fan. Nobody is going to have a better opinion of you if yours is non-existant. I think you need to examine why you want to be percieved as beautful by shallow men who are not interested in caring for your feelings. The right men do find you beautiful, but probably because you give the cocky ones the time of day, you have probably convinced them they havent a snowballs chance in hell.

Thanks for this post Neyite. This really struck a chord.

I feel like just a 'notch' right now, as you said you did, and I do sort of feel helpless in who I find attractive. And my self esteem is on the floor. Evidently a lot to work on.

It probably doesn't help that I've never had a meaningful relationship, where I got beyond kissing/sex and got to feel valued as a person. So it's like all I know how to 'trade' on is my looks, if that makes any sense. Not even sure it does...!

Torakx

I guess you will have to start considering some other things to trade on and get out there and practise.
But i would still recommend going it alone a while longer and actually get to a stage where you are enjoying your life without needing some guy to make you happy.
That way you will not be projecting onto him as much as someone who is reliant on their other half to validate them.

Ive noticed the more i get to know women who are unnatractive to me,but dead sound and i click with,the more attractive they become.
And i mean women i would never previously have even considered dating because at the start i wouldnt be attracted physically at all.

Theres something about getting to someones heart and feeling that returned that brings two people together in a way two sexy shallow people might not understand...to be blunt for the sake of making a point.

Maybe mess your hair up,dont wear any make up and try that for a few months
Might prevent alot of guys getting distracted by the looks and focusing a bit more on the person behind them.
Cause if you are overly good looking it can be threatening to many guys too or like myself, might cause them to skip over you due to stereotyping.
But hell i could be way off, im no casanova lol
Just an idea that i cant see any harm out of.

Whats important really is being happy with yourself first.The rest im sure will follow.
The fact that women need to wear make up in the first place tells me there is something wrong anyway..or is that just my warped view of this media/consumer driven world?

After all insecurity makes profits dont you folks think?

edellc

I'm not going to say anything other than seriously read what Torakx has written, its what I was thinking and the dude is right, once you are happy with yourself and being on your own love will find you

peace and love OP x

Maguined

As others have said there is nothing physically wrong with you, from your description you sound very attractive as not everyone finds tall and thin as attractive, most of my girlfriends have been short and curvy as that is generally more appealing to me than tall and thin. You do not seem to be happy with yourself and your own appearance and this insecurity means you crave the security from other peoples opinions of you. You desire a stereotypical "hot" guy as you feel if you can get interest and attention from a "hot" guy that this validates your own appearance.

This never works however, you need to find a way to be happy with yourself first and once you are that security and confidence found internally will be attractive to other people and you will be much happier.

I hope it all works out for you OP.

Lux23

I know how you feel OP. Most days I am fairly confident my looks and my figure but when I like someone but they opt for a younger, thinner barbie type I can't help but feel crap about myself. But there have been times when I have gotten the boy over the barbie type too so it really depends on the man. So I try not to think about the competition too much and hope for the best.

Sleepy

Wear less make-up, less hair dye be less worried about appearance and you'll become the type of woman guys are interested in relationships with: pretty girls who are something more than fcvktoys to boost their ego with.

i.e. present yourself like a porn starlet / moron who follows all the fashion and grooming advice in Cosmo, get treated like one.

Be yourself and comfortable in your own skin without the need to preen and present yourself and you'll find someone worth having a relationship with.

Lux23

Sleepy wrote: »

Wear less make-up, less hair dye be less worried about appearance and you'll become the type of woman guys are interested in relationships with: pretty girls who are something more than fcvktoys to boost their ego with.

i.e. present yourself like a porn starlet / moron who follows all the fashion and grooming advice in Cosmo, get treated like one.

Be yourself and comfortable in your own skin without the need to preen and present yourself and you'll find someone worth having a relationship with.

So what if being yourself is taking the time to get your hair and nails done? I think what you are advising there is kind of silly because no man really wants a woman in a rough and ready state. As in hairy legs, facial hair, slobbing about in a tracksuit and eating whatever she wants.

dearg lady

Lux23 wrote: »

So what if being yourself is taking the time to get your hair and nails done? I think what you are advising there is kind of silly because no man really wants a woman in a rough and ready state. As in hairy legs, facial hair, slobbing about in a tracksuit and eating whatever she wants.

Well some men do! I think Sleepys point was made in a very blunt way, but I can see the point all the same.
By all means gets your hair and nails done, but in a way that accentuates your own individual beauty, instead of trying to meet the criteria set down by magazines or whatever.

Sleepy

No, but when the OP speaks of working on her appearance as wearing more make-up and dying her hair blonder, one can very quickly tell what class of woman she's comparing herself to: the typical tango'd barbie doll wannabe (think the likes of Katie French).

Those women that place so much of their identity into how much like a male fantasy (i.e. a pornstar) they can appear are going to be treated like that by the man they chase.

A good looking girl that keeps herself clean and tidy, is comfortable going out in the "jeans and a top" look, wearing make-up correctly (i.e. you barely notice it's there as it accentuates her natural skin rather than attempts to cover it) and presenting herself as herself rather than a bimbo is going to be treated with more respect and sought after for more than her body.

Emme

OP, work with what you have and don't try to turn yourself into something you're not. First things first - stop dyeing your hair blonde. Being blonde isn't the big deal it's cracked up to be. In fact, most guys in this country prefer non-blondes for relationships. They're happy to have a ONS or a fling with a blonde all right but most guys in this country prefer women with dark hair. I speak as a natural blonde. However I've lost out to fakey bleach blondes many times - some guys prefer fake to natural and the fakey bleach blondes often try harder than natural blondes.

Maybe you're hanging out with the wrong people. Nobody wins when they people they hang out with are shallow with superficial values.

Stop dyeing your hair blonde, get a sophisticated but natural looking makeover. You will be treated with more respect as a brunette and if you don't wear obvious make-up. Find out what clothes suit you and wear those.

Squiggler

I agree with sleepy. I've quite a few lovely, attractive, hardworking, single male friends and the vast majority of them take one look at bleached hair, abundant make-up and spray tan, declare "high maintenance" and walk the other way.

Most of them go for women who have clean natural-looking hair, either no or very little make-up and don't look like they'll (as one of them not-so-delicately put it) "stain the F*** out of my sheets with brown c**p".

My most lusted after female friends hardly ever wear visable make-up and never wear clothes (or shoes) that they're not comfortable in.

But the most important thing is to be comfortable with who you are... so good luck.